Would you take young children to view an open casket?

[Frodo1010]

My grandad (dad's side) has come to the end of his life and my dad has fallen out with me because I've told him I won't be taking my children (5 and 1) to see their grandad in the open casket. My dad's side of the family are Irish but we haven't been raised there and so are not close. We are still going to the funeral etc to pay respects.

My dad has fallen out with me over this, has said that if I don't take them he wants nothing more to do with me. It's really upset me tbh as he isn't respecting my wishes as a parent. I'm now questioning my own judgement because of the upset over it. My 5 year old son is very sensitive and I know he'd be affected by it. Would you let your child?

Personally I wouldn’t. DS was a sensitive child and seeing a dead body, even if it was a relative, would have been really upsetting for him.

As a fully grown adult, I’m still somewhat traumatised by seeing my dad in hospital not long after he had died. He simply didn’t look like dad. I would much rather have my last memory of him alive just a few days earlier, sitting in his armchair grilling me about whether I’d checked the tyre pressure and oil on my car lately. I went in to support my mum as she wanted to say goodbye but I really wish I hadn’t.

In my experience, it still happens that Irish people sit around the coffin, to be with the body overnight.
I think it’s a lovely tradition (I’m Irish).
People take turns sitting there and talking to the few others who are there (this could be 2am or 3am or whatever time). They reminisce together about the deceased - it’s not about checking to see if they’re really dead!!
It’s done as a mark of respect to the deceased so as not to leave them “on their own” and it’s a tradition still very much part of Irish life in 2026.
Like someone else mentioned, it is usually a time for reminiscing and families coming together and being there for each other.

We can agree that noone should ever be forced to do this

I'm Irish,
Children at funerals and wakes are normal here.

I do find the differences between English and Irish cultures and practices around wakes interesting for countries that are similar in some ways to be so different in other ways.

I think you should stand up to your dad (and the wider family) and let him know that you won’t be blackmailed by him.

I live in Ireland and I hate seeing an open casket at a removal. I generally ignore the body in the casket and simply focus on the hand shaking and ‘sorry for your loss’ comments as I work the room.

My own teen son has never seen an open casket because I don’t think it’s remotely useful.

Your dad is being outrageous trying to blackmail you over this and clearly only trying to get you to fall into line to appease his own family. In my experience, the sort of people who are most bothered about being seen to do the right thing will cheerfully complain about anything and everything so I’d never pander to them in the first place. Let them crack on. They’ll find something else to berate you about even if you complied because you’re living in England.

FECK ‘em 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I do have a strong suspicion that that is how it came about (as a way of preventing loved ones being buried alive) in times gone by, before medicine was advanced, or widespread. If I lived somewhere rural 200 - 300 years ago, I would definitely have kept watch over the body of a loved one overnight before the funeral, just in case - the alternative just doesn’t bear thinking about (and it did occasionally happen - I have very hazy memories of reading about cases reported on contemporaneously)…

Its clear a very strong tradition exists around this still, in some places.

This I won’t see an open casket as an adult and will not allow any child of mine to see it

@Frodo1010 as others have said, if the wake is in the house, there is no reason for the kids to go into the wake room if you don't want them to, or if they are upset. They can go get a bun in yhe kitchen and go play with their cousins.

No one will force anyone to do anything.

Haven't got time to read the whole thread but this is my feeling too.

I was 24 when my grandad died, we were with him, it was calm and serene, but it took me years to get his face after he died out of my mind. I wanted to remember him as the grumpy old git that he was But even as an adult I found his dead body traumatising. And i don't care if i am seen as a wimp for this.

No way.

When my mum died her Irish best friend was aghast when I said I didn’t want to go and see her. Why the hell would I want to? Last time I’d seen her, she was all happy and excited, about to go on holiday. That’s the face I want to remember.

Frankly if I were you I’d tell dad to do one.

Absolutely not.

My grandmother specifically asked that I didn’t go to view her and I was 21.

No I would not they will remember that forever there is no need to do that to kids(in my opinion). Your father has no right to make your parenting decisions for you either, they are your kids it’s for you to decide and make decisions for them. He is being controlling and manipulating you.

We have just gone through this. I'm Irish so yes, it is the norm here. I would say, as it's been said before, that the coffin is usually in a specific room in the house, and there is never any pressure for children to enter the room. We had beautiful weather and the children spent hours outside playing in the garden being greeted by all our neighbours and friends. I also have great memories of being in a bedroom playing with all my cousins, eating tons of buns and having a great time at the wakes of my grandparents. What people often don't realize is that wakes can be joyful events, there are stories being told and lots of laughter, it carries the family through until after the funeral. My sibling's English partner and step kids came over and were really surprised at how nice a wake experience can be, the children were rather worried and had been told that they needn't come if they didn't wish to. I don't think they viewed the coffin and nobody would care anyway.

I do think however, that it is entirely your decision to make and you cannot be coerced into something you disagree with by your father

I always think it's pointless to compare Irish and English funerals on here.

My understanding is that Irish funerals take place within a week, usually less of a death. That rarely happens in England, over here you're lucky if you've managed to register a death within that time and a funeral can't take place until that happens. I'm not sure many people would want to sit around a body that's been dead for a month.

I was with my dad when he died and waited with him for a couple of hours until the undertaker arrived. His appearance changed even within that time and for quite a while afterwards that was my main memory of him. I wish it wasn't. I've put up pictures of him alive and happy to try to replace that memory.

No, they're far too young. Your father sounds over dramatic. Call his bluff.

'I do think your Dad is being a bit OTT about the whole thing - it’s a choice. I wonder whether he sees it as you failing to bring your kids up as Irish.'.

This is a very good point @dreaminglife . I'm Irish, and culturally there is a big emphasis on doing 'the done thing' or what is expected of you, and less flexibility about individual choice. So your dad may be struggling to cope with you making your own decision about your attendance and your children's attendance at the funeral. Not defending him btw - if you think your 5 year old would be upset by attending, then you're doing the right thing

Open coffins are very normal in Ireland, and I first saw a body in a coffin age 7. I found it a bit weird, but because the adults around me treated it as special rather than frightening, I wasn't scared or upset by it. Some children cope just fine with it.

That said, I totally get why some adults find it horrifying and unnecessary. I also don't agree that the Irish attitude to death and funerals is 'healthier' than the more low key, flexible approach in the UK. Personally I find it a bit intense and overwhelming - open coffin, very short timeframe, level of expectations around attending removal / funeral. Not saying it's wrong, but it's not for everyone

Thanks everyone for your replies and to those of you with experience of Irish funerals, you have been really helpful.

I've agreed to take them to the house but not into the room with the coffin. My dad has appeared to accept this so we will see if he gives me grief closer to the time but I'm not willing to change my mind.
As I said, I don't wish to be disrespectful but also want to ensure it isn't too overwhelming for my children.

Be careful your dad doesn’t force your kids into the coffin room…

To be fair to him, we didn't express our reluctance, it didn't seem the time to debate the matter. I'm not sure how he would have reacted if we had, I think he might have been hurt and might have expressed that.

It was nearly 30 years ago but my sister and I were discussing it recently as my mum is now nearing the end of her life, and we both still wish we hadn't seen it - we were saying we would like to be with my mum at her death if it is possible, but if we can't be, we do not want to see her after death.

That would be very frowned upon at an Irish wake -that he would make that kind of scene.
The children going to the wake and not going into the wake room wouldn't be noticed or commented in my experience.

Not saying he won't kick off if he is controlling by nature but if he is concerned by social appearances then the social convention for want of a better term is very chilled.

Maybe, but I've never drank or had a drink at a funeral/wake. Usually that would be much later at night or at the reception after the burial.

But neither you nor I know the OP's dad or family.
I wish you the best for your trip.