Would you take young children to view an open casket?

[Frodo1010]

My grandad (dad's side) has come to the end of his life and my dad has fallen out with me because I've told him I won't be taking my children (5 and 1) to see their grandad in the open casket. My dad's side of the family are Irish but we haven't been raised there and so are not close. We are still going to the funeral etc to pay respects.

My dad has fallen out with me over this, has said that if I don't take them he wants nothing more to do with me. It's really upset me tbh as he isn't respecting my wishes as a parent. I'm now questioning my own judgement because of the upset over it. My 5 year old son is very sensitive and I know he'd be affected by it. Would you let your child?

Absolutely not, we went to see our mum at the chapel of rest earlier this year and my sister was traumatised, mum looked very scary and nothing like she did in life.

You’re their parent. He needs to respect that.

It's not the coffin that's scary, I wouldn't mind my child seeing a coffin but my mum looked horrific, maybe tmi but her face had started to collapse, the image has stayed with me and my sister found it extremely traumatic.

Yes I would (but I’m also Irish) and wakes and open caskets are respectful, and I think they are a nice way to celebrate someone’s life. For what it’s worth I’ve lived in England now for years - yet my kids managed my own grandparents funerals at home well. Their main memories are the food, the music and the prayers in Irish (from the funeral itself).

I do understand your hesitation as a parent…but am also holding in mind that your dad’s just lost his dad. Are you just saying your kids won’t go? Or are you also saying you won’t go? (This would be noticeable at an Irish funeral). Have your kids got cousins? Are they going? Is the wake at home or at a funeral home? If the latter, could they come and say hello at the door to guests (or have another outside job) that would mean they weren’t in the main room?

Your children - your choice. Let him make his manipulative threats. He will get over it.

@Burntt "Is this your dad’s father? I think you have to remember he is in grief so while he’s unreasonable it’s because of that not because he is a dick."

Hard disagree. The man is being a dick and a bully. I've known horrendous grief but it would never once have driven me to insist a 5 year old child looked at a dead body. Or any other bullying behaviour for that matter.

I would and have done. I'm Irish and my children are american but coped just fine with not only seeing my parents in their coffins but also kissing them goodbye before we closed the coffin. At similar age to your eldest.

But your dad is way out of line here and there is no way I would let him blackmail me with threatening nothing more to do with me. That is a terrible thing to say to your daughter - and grief is only a bit of an excuse. You are the parent. you decide what your 5 year old can do or cope with. Tell your dad you presume this is his grief speaking and so you'll ignore it.

My niece and nephew, at 5 and 8, came with us to see my brother in his coffin (their father). They were calm and curious - not what I anticipated. My sister-in-law had taken advice from a childhood bereavement charity, which said that seeing the body show the child the person really is dead. Even so, I wouldn't take a child of mine unless they had a very strong bond indeed with the dead person. Stick to your guns, OP.

Thank you all. I'll be honest, my dad does have a history of being controlling but I don't want to go into that as I'm aware he is very upset at the moment. I am quite shocked at his reaction though as I did think he'd be understanding in this situation as we haven't been brought up in that culture and my 5 year old is quite a sensitive child.
I realise from some of your responses though that it is probably going to look rude if we don't go as it seems to be the norm over there... I'm torn really. I realise he's obviously really upset but also don't want to be forced into making my children do something that doesn't sit right with me. I would be willing to go but would rather they didn't at this very young age.

Absolutely not.

This. DS grew up in England, so wasn't used to it as a cultural norm, but certainly was at relatives' funerals where the coffin was open without it upsetting him in the slightest. And yes to it being an entirely healthy way of dealing with death for young children. They'll have questions, or the five year old will. Just answer them. Normalise it all. Because it is normal.

Absolutely not.

DS was probably four when we travelled for a family funeral. Also a sensitive, hyper-imaginative child. He was interested and had lots of questions.

I think you're projecting your own fear and reluctance onto your child.

Seeing a loved one dead is traumatic for some people. As a teen, I saw my dad dead and it's burnt into my brain forever.

I would never want that for my children.

Great that you're happy to see dead bodies though.

I am Irish and was taken to funerals with open caskets from a very young age so it was a very normal thing for me. As a young child I was known to comment on the makeup that the undertakers had put on. However it is entirely your choice whether your kids go or not.

Your Dad is upset and is lashing out at you but you do what you think is right for you and your children. Don't let him blackmail you in the manner he is doing.

No way. Not if they were older either, unless old enough to make the choice - unpressured - themselves. Not part of my upbringing though, so I don’t feel pressure to conform. You could go yourself but not take the kids I suppose? Is that an option? I never went to funerals at that age, my parents went without us - thank god.

I'm Irish and don't think I would do this.
I really don't understand your dad's reaction as while open caskets are quite normal in Ireland (although that is changing, I think), it isn't actually a requirement/ obligation to view the body.
Who is being harmed by your children not attending? I don't know anyone who would insist on this.
You are their parent so it is entirely up to you.

I'm Scottish but my mum was an Irish Catholic. She stopped us going to open caskets because she saw my auntie's wee SID's death baby in one and was devasted . ( Our cousin) She just felt she couldn't put us through it and that we should remember the person as they were. She also chose to have a closed casket when she died. I think your daddy is being very unfair. Times have changed.💐

For me it would depend on the child and on the death.

As a young child I saw my grandmother after death and found it reassuring that she was actually dead and looked peaceful.

Another family member looked gaunt and unlike themself, really unwell. I wished I hadn't seen them as it wasn't how I wanted to remember them.

In hindsight my grandmother probably didn't look great either after an awful death with weight loss, but I had seen her regularly so my brain probably accepted her appearance and just saw a loved grandparent.

The cultural side is interesting and perhaps easier on a child if life is going on as usual around the body and the adults are celebrating the life.

At the end of the day though, you know your child.

Depending on how the body is displayed would your dad actually know if your kids had seen it?

If you're in England it's very much about free choice, and that's ok.
When dh died I was given lots of choices by the funeral director:
Church or crematorium
View the body or not/embalmed or not
Funeral cars or make your own way
Cremation or burial
Memorial stone/gravestone or keep the ashes/scatter the ashes
Etc etc
You should be allowed free choice as is the custom here

What do you mean by 'times have changed'?

Yes, I have taken my small children to open casket funerals. But the casket is quite high so there’s no way they would have seen into it at any point (I would have taken them even if they would have seen the body, but as it happens, they didn’t). At that age they are coming to terms with the idea of death and go through a phase of thinking about it whether there is a death in the family or not. A lot of English people don’t take even quite old children to non-open-casket funerals even if the deceased is a very close relative, so the advice you will get on here will likely be not to take them.

There are cultural differences on this, but I would not take my son until he was old enough to understand and consent to it himself. Definitely no younger than 12.

And just to add, the open casket will be in the house before the funeral. He wants them to visit and says it will be really disrespectful if they don't go.

He will have nothing more to do with you unless you do what he wants.

OP he’s a crap father. Always has been no doubt. Embrace this offer to have him out of your life.