Would you take young children to view an open casket?

[Frodo1010]

My grandad (dad's side) has come to the end of his life and my dad has fallen out with me because I've told him I won't be taking my children (5 and 1) to see their grandad in the open casket. My dad's side of the family are Irish but we haven't been raised there and so are not close. We are still going to the funeral etc to pay respects.

My dad has fallen out with me over this, has said that if I don't take them he wants nothing more to do with me. It's really upset me tbh as he isn't respecting my wishes as a parent. I'm now questioning my own judgement because of the upset over it. My 5 year old son is very sensitive and I know he'd be affected by it. Would you let your child?

Seeing a deceased loved one CAN be traumatic. I saw my late husband just before his funeral and he looked awful. Considering I'd been with him when he actually died and had therefore already seen him dead, he looked completely different later on. Dreadful.

Mother was Irish and was very clear she did NOT want viewings. I wouldn’t have taken the kids or to be honest, I wouldn’t have gone myself. I e been to plenty of funerals and not yet seen a body.

No absolutely not

Absolutely not.
I've lost both my parents in the last 18 months my daughter was 2 and 3.
She was not going anywhere near the funeral.
I did consider taking her to the wake as it was pretty small and full of people she knew but I decided I wouldn't regret not taking her but could regret taking her.

Do you think the loss of his dad has made him think about his distance from the culture and traditions his parents raised him in, and his response to you a his reaction to that? You make the best choice for your children, and hopefully he will see that once this period with its expectations and ceremony is over.

Omg. I know its not funny in the slightest but the image i have in my head right now of putting party hats on the skeletons is just making me laugh 🤣🤣

As I said above, I would not have a problem bringing a child to an open casket funeral. But I think your dad is wrong that not bringing would be seen as disrespectful, I don't think people would think that. And he should accept your choice.

No I would not. When I saw my DF in his casket he looked nothing like himself. My adult children and I very much I regretted it and as a family we decided not to view my DM when she died. You don’t need to see a dead body to know someone has died. Why put children through that?

I also think there is something very intrusive about looking at someone’s dead body. It robs them of dignity.

it’s an unpleasant tradition.

Absolutely yes - but again I’m Irish. My kids have all grown up attending wakes - death is a very normal healthy part of life. Age 5 my youngest wanted to know what her recently deceased great great aunt felt like - her hand cupped in the hand of a cousin gently touched her face. Nothing hidden. No fear. It’s a very healthy way to deal with what is inevitable for us all.

I think my children were 14 and 9 when they went to an open casket funeral. My son (14) said it was better than just seeing a box. I know we didn't even take them to a funeral when he was 5, he obviously felt he missed the "goodbye" because he specifically asked to go aged 9. All fairly elderly relatives.

Well you are quite wrong there

Im nearly 40 and have never been to an open casket funeral and really wouldn't want to.

I'm Irish and have been to plenty of funerals - it's very much a parental choice around whether or not you would like your child to see the dead person. Your Dad is being absolutely ridiculous. Do exactly what you are comfortable with - anyone who judges you would want to take a good look in the mirror.

No. Cos you remember a corpse not a person at any age.

I saw my mum just after she'd died and the image is burned on my retinas.

I would never subject my children to that.

You can attend the removal as it is called in Ireland to pay your respects without looking in the casket. You and your kids will probably be sitting anyway with the family? No need for them to go near it.

It's fine not to want to do it for yourself. But it is actually a useful custom, and not at all unpleasant. It is very wholesome and respectful way that a community honors the dead and supports the bereaved family

No

Definitely not an open casket, it's related to culture.
There's plenty of English people that won't even take children to a funeral.

Definitely not. Even if the children didn’t have a particularly close relationship with your GF it’s distressing at any age. I don’t think it helps a child come to terms with death or loss at all. I think it will introduce anxiety that’s already very surface in kids of being abandoned, losing their parent or dying themselves. Seeing them “sleeping” can introduce all kinds of anxieties that can so easily become obsessional in young impressionable minds & develop into ocd or sleeping problems. Maybe if you grow up from the get go playing under auntie so & so’s casket while the wake goes on for days in Ireland, it might be more “normal” but no less distressing & IMO potentially traumatising. You DF is being v unfair on you about this. Don’t be guilt tripped into conceding. It is not you disrespecting your GF in any way by wanting to protect your DC.

Absolutely this

I was born and raised in a country where it is the norm and still would not. When my Dad passed away I went to see him and just didn’t like it at all. I felt scared , very weird, I don’t know how to explain. It just wasn’t my Dad sadly.

OK usually in Ireland there's a 3 day 24 hour wake before the funeral with the body in the house. Everyone is eating, drinking, chatting. People drop in and out. It's a huge part of the Irish funeral tradition. It's been this way for centuries.

I assume your Dad is annoyed because you've said you won't go to this bit of the funeral at all because the body will be there? Rather than the kind of viewing we do here, where you make a special appointment at the undertakers and go in and have a look and say your goodbyes.

Honestly this is such a massive part of the Irish way of sending people off and it is a bit precious to say you won't take your children at all. It's just normal there.

Your children probably won't even notice the body unless you point it out. You could even keep them in another room.

The atmosphere also won't be like a hushed, sad funeral home, it's more of a family party vibe. People are upset of course but it's a mixed, cathartic, bittersweet kind of feeling.

Im Irish and i would not. Far too young, why risk upsetting them. Your dad is being selfish. Going to the funeral is fine. Your kids - you decide not your dad. Your dad huffing with you is pathetic.

My Dp developed severe anxiety for years after being made to kiss his grandmother in her coffin. Just because we grew up where this is normalised, doesn't make it a good thing for all kids!

Is the issue that you will not attend the wake in the house or that you will not bring the kids in the room with the Casket? Either way it is entirely your choice but maybe your Dad is upset that they will not attend the wake. At a wake you do not necessarily have to bring children in the room where the casket is.