Would you take young children to view an open casket?

[Frodo1010]

My grandad (dad's side) has come to the end of his life and my dad has fallen out with me because I've told him I won't be taking my children (5 and 1) to see their grandad in the open casket. My dad's side of the family are Irish but we haven't been raised there and so are not close. We are still going to the funeral etc to pay respects.

My dad has fallen out with me over this, has said that if I don't take them he wants nothing more to do with me. It's really upset me tbh as he isn't respecting my wishes as a parent. I'm now questioning my own judgement because of the upset over it. My 5 year old son is very sensitive and I know he'd be affected by it. Would you let your child?

Yes. Irish family though. It helps I think. You can see what they once were and are now Not There. I sat with my dad and then opened the windows. I strongly felt he was there but not in that shell anymore.

I am Irish and it is the norm, I have seen many a dead body from a young as as have most kids now adults here however it is your decision and your father is being an arse.

No absolutely not, I don’t even believe it’s healthy for adults either.

Ignore Your dad, got had his time to be a parent and doesn’t sound like a great one!
why would you take any input from him?
Say no, ignore his displeasure and if he follows through on his threat you have saved your children from being reared around a bully.

No. I remember my mum telling me my grandad would look just like he was asleep. He did not. Still moderately traumatised to this day and when I think about him unfortunately all I can see is his corpse. Also gave me nightmares. My mum is Irish and when she dies if she wants that that’s fine but I won’t be looking at her and neither will my kids.

I wouldn't.

Even in old age, my late husband used to talk about the effect that it had on him when he was made to view and kiss his grandmother. (This was post-war, in the north of Scotland.)

Speaking personally, as an adult I've said goodbye to five family members immediately after their death. I absolutely would not have gone to view them in a coffin.

Could you go to the house beforehand and the children’s dad takes them straight to the church and you join them there?

I went to see my best friends body to say goodbye, she had gone, she was just an empty shell, my adult DD didn’t want to see her, even though she’d known her all her life. I don’t think that small children should be exposed to this.

In Ireland open caskets are the norm, dc at funerals are the norm but expecting all dc to be ok with viewing is absolutely not the norm.

Traditionally at a wake, the arriving adults first went into the room with coffin to pay their respects, the elderly ones and bereaved family stayed with the body, other adults were in and out of the kitchen and living room (in-laws on sandwiches and tea duty), the children playing out in the garden and the teenagers looking awkward cluttering up the stairs.

It would be considered disrespectful for an adult not to see the person who has passed, but no one bats an eye at teens or dc if they don’t want to.

Nowadays the body is taken to a funeral home where people line up to sympathise and pay respects, and even then it would be usual to see dc sitting out on the couch outside the room, or in the carpark. It’s fine for them to be in the main room too, but definitely not considered compulsory.

Your df is out of order, and I’d be astonished if he wasn’t told so by other relatives if you were on the spot.

I think you don't need to worry about your kids, actually - the 1 year old won't really understand the concept of death (or necessarily remember the person alive) and your 5 year old is at exactly the right age to be excited and curious about the process rather than sad or scared. This specific moment could actually really help the 5 year old deal with death when they are older.

Oh, don’t be silly. Only someone from a culture that regards death as an embarrassing minority thing, like haemorrhoids, would think that.

I've seen some dead bodies (in peaceful, respectful settings) and they're really viscerally unsettling in a way it's hard to put your finger on. I can imagine it being extremely upsetting and uncanny for a child that young to see their loved one that way. They can't really conceive of the idea of a soul or the person's essence, memory, consciousness or whatever so to them, that body is the person they love and now they look very wrong and can't wake up. Your father is being a dickhead about this regardless of his views - they're your children and it's not his choice to make.

You’re not being disrespectful. You are attending the funeral to pay your respects. If you don’t want to view your grandad’s body then that should be your choice and it’s entirely your decision on whether your children should too. Your dad is completely out of order to force you.

No , even at 30 seeing my Dad in an open casket as my last memory of him stays with me

he was all grey and it really didn’t look like him , not how I wanted to remember him at all

No. Absolutely not.

I do understand that it’s the norm in some cultures/backgrounds, particularly Irish Catholic, but it’s not in mine.

I visited both ny parents to say goodbye after they had passed, but that was in their beds. I wouldn’t have wanted to have viewed them in a coffin.

I wouldn’t, my mum is still scarred by being told he was going to “see” her great aunt when she was about 4 and her aunt was dead in her coffin,
horrible

It was the norm in my family, but the the first one I really noticed or caught my attention was when I was 9. In adulthood, I've mostly been to closed casket ones and they're a bit odd to me. There's something really important to processing and understanding death and our lives to be able to see the body.

odfod

Needing to parade round a corpse to apparently show how cool you are with death is just sick and twisted logic.

We can all accept that death is normal without needing to view dead bodies to do so.

It really can feel on here that people think the Irish perspective and funeral norms are the only acceptable ones and everyone else has to deal with being considered rude for not wanting to do something that isn't culturally their tradition and may be upsetting. Death is a part of life and I would say attending funeral, I see why there's expectation, but not viewing the body.

No you absolutely shouldn't. Children should not be forced to view corpses. And adults shouldn't be either.

Yes. It’s always helpful in the long run. It is upsetting. But, death is part of life.

My Mum’s side are Irish Catholic so it was normal to me.

Oh hush

it is not “always helpful in the long run”, which you’d know if you’d bothered to read the thread 🙄

I read somewhere that in Madagascar they have some ritual annually where they dig up the bodies of loved ones to celebrate them.

I’m sure to them it’s normal, while most would find it horrifying.

Imagine if people were criticised for not adopting that kind of tradition.

And so what if the Irish do it. Lots of cultures do things which we talk away because they’re cultural. Doesn’t make them acceptable or healthy just because they’re done in the name of culture.

Absolutely not.

This has nothing to do with paying respects to the deceased, and everything to do with the emotional well-being of your children. You know your dc, and your 5 year-old can't cope with this. It's bad enough as an adult, but if I'd seen a loved one's dead body at that age, I'd have had nightmares for years.

Your dad is grieving and not thinking rationally about it at the moment but all the same, he is being totally unreasonable.