Page 5 | Horse riding dividing family

Fatmamslim · 2023-05-29T20:51:29+00:00

Not sure I know what I'm asking here.. But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it? We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard. Younger sibling hates it. (8) Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child. I work an intense job with unsociable hours --which is the only reason we can afford said pony-- DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever. I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life. I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:05

Unfortunately until they are old enough to be left at home alone they have to be dragged to everything, whether that's the supermarket, school runs, swimming lessons etc etc. Whether it's horses or not.

But it's not a case of him having to come to the yard or he'll be home alone.

Why can't dad go to the yard and OP actually spend some time with her 8yo who's screaming out for his mum?

Well yes this would be a good solution and what my dh would do, but the OPs dh is being stubborn and childish about it.

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 09:09

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:00

He has a dad doesn't he? The onus should be on him to do something with his son. Maybe if he was more supportive of his dd it might even be fun for the ds to go to the yard if he sees his dad likes it.

Tbh my younger kids got dragged to everything that their older siblings did until they found something they enjoyed. If that passion is Lego then let dh do it with him.

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Yes he has a dad who the op says can't go to the yard, of course he could but the op clearly prefers going instead. However he wants to spend time with his mum is that such a big ask?

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:10

I've been away at a show this weekend and there were plenty of non riding small siblings running about in the sunshine eating ice creams. I'd be concerned if any of my dcs wouldn't have wanted to do that tbh. The whole family (I presume) was there. Mum, dad and kids. It was lovely.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:11

Just read a few of tte posts that seem to suggest that if the 8yo doesn’t have a hobby then he should suck it up and not ask for time with his mum.

This is crazy and stupid tbh.

Children need time with their parents. It doesn’t matter what sort of activity they do but having a hobby/riding doesn’t trump quiet time with mummy.
Not unless you’ve decided that one child is favoured vs the other and their needs don’t matter as much.

FarAndAway456 · 30/05/2023 09:11

I was the younger sibling in this scenario. I found things to do at the stable to an extent - there are always cats and chickens etc around. We used to walk the dogs whil DSis did her riding. Horse shows can be quite fun I guess. However, now my DDs are into riding and I will only let them have weekly lessons but even then there is a visceral boredom that rises up in me every time I go to a stables.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:13

Well yes this would be a good solution and what my dh would do, but the OPs dh is being stubborn and childish about it.

I suspect he's fed up of one child's hobby dictating everything. OP says herself they never get time as a family because her and DD are always at the stables.

Something has to give. It's not fair that one child has a horse and hours and hours mum's of time dedicated to her every single week when the other child gets the odd Lego set chucked his way and no time with mum.

I agree that selling the pony isn't a solution but maybe DD needs to realise that she can't enter every competition and be at the stables for hours every weekend. Getting a sharer might be a good solution, or moving to a yard where DD can have a bit more independence and mum can drop and run occasionally.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:13

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:10

I've been away at a show this weekend and there were plenty of non riding small siblings running about in the sunshine eating ice creams. I'd be concerned if any of my dcs wouldn't have wanted to do that tbh. The whole family (I presume) was there. Mum, dad and kids. It was lovely.

Exactly. The OP's husband is the problem here. I think the DH is weaponising the 8 year old who probably wouldn't mind sitting in the sun with snacks and his Lego's/iPad/whatever it is he's interested in. Not saying the DS needs to start riding horses but it wouldn't be unhealthy for him to be encouraged to take an interest.

I run a kids' sport club and the amount of younger siblings who are left with a snack and an activity in the corner is huge. And they are told "this is older sibling's class, your class is tomorrow" etc etc. I genuinely don't think it's the DS causing these issues - I think it is the DH putting ideas in his head...

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 09:14

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:11

Just read a few of tte posts that seem to suggest that if the 8yo doesn’t have a hobby then he should suck it up and not ask for time with his mum.

This is crazy and stupid tbh.

Children need time with their parents. It doesn’t matter what sort of activity they do but having a hobby/riding doesn’t trump quiet time with mummy.
Not unless you’ve decided that one child is favoured vs the other and their needs don’t matter as much.

Exactly. It's like some of those replying have decided that the 8 year old is to blame for the situation and that it's his fault his mum doesn't want to spend time with him because he's not as interesting. Poor kid is clearly not the favourite I mean his mother basically admits she works such unsociable hours to pay for his sister's hobby.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:15

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:10

I've been away at a show this weekend and there were plenty of non riding small siblings running about in the sunshine eating ice creams. I'd be concerned if any of my dcs wouldn't have wanted to do that tbh. The whole family (I presume) was there. Mum, dad and kids. It was lovely.

The 8yo is autistic so would probably hate that.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:15

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:10

I've been away at a show this weekend and there were plenty of non riding small siblings running about in the sunshine eating ice creams. I'd be concerned if any of my dcs wouldn't have wanted to do that tbh. The whole family (I presume) was there. Mum, dad and kids. It was lovely.

I’ve been the mum doing that.
2 dcs and a DH involved in a hobby that I couldn’t participate in.

I joined fir a while. Spent hours waiting in my own whilst they were doing said hobby. Then hours listening to them harping on different points during the competition . Things I couldn’t engage on.

It wasn’t lovely and nice. It was boring as hell. I felt constantly left out and a spare part.
Dont assume that because it was sunny blabla, the children who don’t ride HAVE TO enjoy it on a weekly basis. They might be happy as a one off. Not when it means that they are pushed aside, it’s a recurrent occurence etc…

Blip · 30/05/2023 09:16

What does DS want to do with you if he is feeling left out?
How would he like things to change?

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:16

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:15

I’ve been the mum doing that.
2 dcs and a DH involved in a hobby that I couldn’t participate in.

I joined fir a while. Spent hours waiting in my own whilst they were doing said hobby. Then hours listening to them harping on different points during the competition . Things I couldn’t engage on.

It wasn’t lovely and nice. It was boring as hell. I felt constantly left out and a spare part.
Dont assume that because it was sunny blabla, the children who don’t ride HAVE TO enjoy it on a weekly basis. They might be happy as a one off. Not when it means that they are pushed aside, it’s a recurrent occurence etc…

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Why on earth not go and do something you enjoyed instead!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:17

Blip · 30/05/2023 09:16

What does DS want to do with you if he is feeling left out?
How would he like things to change?

He's said what he wants - time with his mum.

The activity he chooses is irrelevant really.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:17

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:15

The 8yo is autistic so would probably hate that.

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Even more reason not to sell dds pony and support her in her passion outside the home.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:18

Blip · 30/05/2023 09:16

What does DS want to do with you if he is feeling left out?
How would he like things to change?

Does it matter?

He wants to spend time with his mum. That’s enough. He is entitled to have 1-1 time with his mum too, regardless of what they are doing. And even if this means watching Tv or her being in the background whilst he plays on the PS5.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 09:18

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:13

Exactly. The OP's husband is the problem here. I think the DH is weaponising the 8 year old who probably wouldn't mind sitting in the sun with snacks and his Lego's/iPad/whatever it is he's interested in. Not saying the DS needs to start riding horses but it wouldn't be unhealthy for him to be encouraged to take an interest.

I run a kids' sport club and the amount of younger siblings who are left with a snack and an activity in the corner is huge. And they are told "this is older sibling's class, your class is tomorrow" etc etc. I genuinely don't think it's the DS causing these issues - I think it is the DH putting ideas in his head...

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I mean I think what you’ve said in the last paragraph is fine because it implies it’s reciprocal. So the next day the older sibling will be sitting in a corner with a snack while the parent dedicates themselves to the younger child. In this case it isn’t. It would just be the 8 year old sitting in the sunny corner of a yard every day while his mother tends to the older child. But yes, if it was one day of him sitting there while the next day his sister is sitting while the mother dedicates herself to him and his interests he would probably not be resentful as he is now.

And (obviously and clearly) you can’t really build a Lego set in the corner of a stable. Have you ever tried to build one? Or even seen one?

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:19

The 8yo is autistic so would probably hate that.
There have been a lot of studies and anecdotal evidence that spending time around animals is really good for people with ASD/neurodivergence.
Fair enough that DS doesn't enjoy running around etc but maybe he could be encouraged to spend some time around horses? By the sounds of the OP, DS hasnt spent much time at the yard himself - obviously for an autistic person new situations can be scary but maybe he would enjoy being around the horses if OP could gradually ease him into it.
He wouldn't have to ride or do anything sporty as such but just spending some time there might be good for him. He sounds like a gentle little boy and one that might benefit from being around animals; and animals may enjoy his company.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:19

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:17

He's said what he wants - time with his mum.

The activity he chooses is irrelevant really.

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Then the dh has to step up and take the dd to the yard.

Magazinenotliving · 30/05/2023 09:20

I think you need to recognize that this is causing a serious rupture in your family. Your daughter is going to be resented as the favored sibling, you and your daughter are going to be resented for absenting themselves from your son and husband’s life. Those wounds can run deep.

You need to find a balance, either a yard you can drop your daughter to, or your daughter attends every other weekend so you can spend more time with your son/ family time.

Your son is telling you how much this is hurting him. You have to listen to him.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:20

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:17

Even more reason not to sell dds pony and support her in her passion outside the home.

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So the fact he is autistic means that the dd is entitled to do whatever she wants and to get priority on how the weekends are spent. Always.
Is that right?

😵😵😵😵

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:20

Then the dh has to step up and take the dd to the yard.

Yep, I've said that repeatedly.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:21

@FedUpWithTheNHS

So the fact he is autistic means that the dd is entitled to do whatever she wants and to get priority on how the weekends are spent. Always. Is that right?

😵😵😵😵 *

I don't think this is what was meant - but look into glass child syndrome. It is hard having a sibling with additional needs and it often means sacrifice for the siblings. OP should spend more time with her DS but DD should not become a glass child because of her brother's additional needs.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:22

@cocunut why should the 8yo be forced to try out an activity he isn’t keen on just to accommodate his sister and make things easier fir his parents?

An activity that I’m pretty sure he has learnt to hate because it’s taking his mum away and he never sees her?

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:24

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:22

@cocunut why should the 8yo be forced to try out an activity he isn’t keen on just to accommodate his sister and make things easier fir his parents?

An activity that I’m pretty sure he has learnt to hate because it’s taking his mum away and he never sees her?

OP doesn't know DS isn't keen on it. Horse riding is not an "activity" when you own a pony - it's a pet to look after, teaches responsibility and being around animals.
By the sounds of it, DS isn't interested in riding - fair enough. But there is soooo much more to it than that. I think OP's son would really benefit from spending time around animals and learning how to care for them.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:24

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:19

The 8yo is autistic so would probably hate that.
There have been a lot of studies and anecdotal evidence that spending time around animals is really good for people with ASD/neurodivergence.
Fair enough that DS doesn't enjoy running around etc but maybe he could be encouraged to spend some time around horses? By the sounds of the OP, DS hasnt spent much time at the yard himself - obviously for an autistic person new situations can be scary but maybe he would enjoy being around the horses if OP could gradually ease him into it.
He wouldn't have to ride or do anything sporty as such but just spending some time there might be good for him. He sounds like a gentle little boy and one that might benefit from being around animals; and animals may enjoy his company.

OP has said he's been to the yard multiple times and doesn't like it. That should be the end of it imo.

While lots of autistic people love animals (I'm one of them) many don't - they find them dirty, smelly, loud and unpredictable which can be incredibly overwhelming. My dad falls into the latter category.

I hate the undertone of a lot of these replies which is basically that horses and stables are wonderful and everyone else should just learn to love it.