Wow, this escalated quickly! It's been a very busy day (not horse related before anyone flames me further!)
I'd forgotten how posting here can sprial so quickly when posters convince themselves of "truths"
Honestly the way you speak about my relationship with my son and husband is so breathtakingly inaccurate it was really hard not to get upset at the implication that I am a shit mother who prefers one child over the other. Ironically I actually find dd really bloody difficult right now (hello hormones) and would definitely preference time with my son if I actually had to chose between them 🤣 although no, his diagnosis process is not easy.
I should have worded my OP better, although I posted in tackroom, not AIBU for a reason because I thought other horsey folk would pick up on the usual stuff- like the talk of cost etc.
I have thought about not replying and just thanking those who gave really helpful constructive and practical feedback without unnecessary sharp jabs- thank you, you've been so helpful.
But for the sake of my poor husband, I'll just try and straighten out a few facts.
My son and I share a special bond. I won't say why because at this point it would be incredibly outing, but he is my world and I am so very grateful for him.
His hobbies are his own and do not have to meet any standards to be deemed worthy. They are fully indulged to the same extent as his sisters within the context of what his hobbies are. My suggestion of other hobbies he hadn't taken to was purely to draw comparison to hobbies that can be just as time consuming and competitive- football season is insane from what I see of cousins.
DH is hands on, dedicated and he and my son are very close too. Until very recently, son naturally gravitated towards him which is likely how the horse situ with dd and my being with her predominantly tipped balance before any of us realised, recently he has had a big and sudden shift.
DH is allowed to express his wishes for us to have more family time. We have good, respectful communication and i want to listen.
Can we normalise the fact that horse riding is not exclusive to those with endless bags of money? That there are very many "normal" families like us that do this? Yes. We have to work to fund it. Same as other aspects of our comfortable life. We are privileged in the sense that it doesn't cause us financial strain but I won't pretend that it's not alot of expense. Again my poorly worded post was simply trying to illustrate that we don't deny DS anything.
Yard is a DIY livery yard. An option is to move to full livery elsewhere and cut back on the time stuck that is chores. But I feel strongly that DD shouldn't just get to do the fun stuff, and I like being hands on too- seen too many owners fall out the loop of whats going on with their own horse being so hands off. I won't go back to a riding school / working livery environment (as a livery) I really disliked it. Maybe we got unlucky.
No it isn't acceptable nor safe to dump and run, even when we were at the riding school as a livery insurance only covered under 16 or under 13 if they were volunteering that day if I recall rightly (and therefore being somewhat supervised by staff)
Yes I probably am controlling and hellicopter-ish to an extent. DH cracks on when required but he worries about getting it wrong and generally finds himself uncomfortable in the yard environment. As with anything though this is not insurmountable with time and practice.
There's been alot of assumptions about what my son would or would not enjoy. It was somewhat comical reading. Can confirm he absolutely hated lego club, and he didn't enjoy being taught in art classes, we tried a few for a better more relaxed fit but he didn't like it. He's a fair weather kid generally but loves a kick about with his dad, didn't like group football clubs, happiest running around with his dad and our big labs.
He likes to spray nets, have a bouncy trot on our saint pony, bath the big horses on the yard when invited to do so and he often comes on hacks on his bike and we stop at the little lady who sells cakes outside her house every Sunday which he enjoys. But then some days he finds the noise, smell and the dirt of the yard unbearable or his fidgey-yness kicks in and I need eyes in the back of my head to keep everyone safe. Some days he'll just point blank refuse to leave the car..sometimes he'll watch the incar entertainment and chill and enjoy it. Some sunny evenings he'll bound out excited to have a walk about on pony. You just don't know what you're getting some days.
He is yes a big animal fan. It seemed to be missed that I did say he also has his own pet which requires its own specialist care, which he loves dearly and spends time each day caring for.
Up until very recently we had a sharer (no financial contribution as we don't require it, we wanted to help the little girl progress and it allowed me some yard free days with both kids, and I'd encourage dd to see her friends socially etc instead. Sharer moved away and after that our pony finally decided they didn't mind loading after all, dd confidence shot up and instructor said she was ready to compete, and now she's got the bug.
So for a long time, there was actually a good balance. Shifts occured- ds suddenly preferencing me, sharer leaving, dd riding stepping up etc that's allowed this to run away from me in terms of division of time. I can see that we need to reevaluate and shift back towards a riding schedule that ring fences family time. I will consider how to make this work. Thank you.
I think that's probably enough for now. To those who got heavily invested in painting a picture of my life, determined to paint me as an uninterested mother, know this. I came from nothing. I had absolutely nothing. I was raised in foster care and had not a single human in the world to show me how. My career was hard fought, and I bloody love it. I also am incredibly proud of what it provides for my family. Everything I do, is for them. My therapist tells me that I give too much, that I overstretch myself because I am determined to do everything for families happiness to a fault. I am working on this. But I couldn't be any less selfish in this scenario if I tried and I am purely trying to do my best. That's why I came here. I recognised the balance was out and I wanted to hear from other families.
If your intention was to make a stranger on the net cry, congrats. You've managed it.
Thank you again to those who helped. I can see we just need to backtrack a little to when we had a better balance.