Page 2 | Horse riding dividing family

Fatmamslim · 2023-05-29T20:51:29+00:00

Not sure I know what I'm asking here.. But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it? We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard. Younger sibling hates it. (8) Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child. I work an intense job with unsociable hours --which is the only reason we can afford said pony-- DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever. I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life. I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

Whoisbeingunreasonable · 29/05/2023 23:36

Also climbing is popular for many on the spectrum…. Freedom, isolation ,
levels and physical movement seem to be beneficial

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:38

Whoisbeingunreasonable · 29/05/2023 23:36

Also climbing is popular for many on the spectrum…. Freedom, isolation ,
levels and physical movement seem to be beneficial

The boy does actually have hobbies and interests though. OP says he ‘hasn’t taken to anything’ but then says he likes building Lego and is into art. It appears he just dislikes horse riding (even though it would be a ‘dream’ for her if he got into it) and team sports. His hobbies just aren’t worthy of devoting an entire weekend to.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:39

My dh is delighted that dd3 is so happy and resilient because of her horse. We were away at a competition on Saturday and came home Sunday morning. He had gone to the cinema with dc at home. We all had lunch together and dh and I watched a film in the evening. He's happy to facilitate her hobby and actually quite enjoys mending things around the yard. No resentment at all, I wouldn't want to be married to someone resentful. We are all trying to do the best for our kids at the end of the day.

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:39

I mean if he likes drawing why can’t a day be spent at a drawing class or comic book store? Or following a tutorial together? If he likes Lego a big set can take hours to build and can be wonderful to do together.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:40

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:38

The boy does actually have hobbies and interests though. OP says he ‘hasn’t taken to anything’ but then says he likes building Lego and is into art. It appears he just dislikes horse riding (even though it would be a ‘dream’ for her if he got into it) and team sports. His hobbies just aren’t worthy of devoting an entire weekend to.

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I don't think I'd enjoy doing lego all weekend either. Perhaps her dh does and they can split their time and get together in the evening,like healthy adults being good parents tontheir kids. In five years it will be done with anyway.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:42

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:39

I mean if he likes drawing why can’t a day be spent at a drawing class or comic book store? Or following a tutorial together? If he likes Lego a big set can take hours to build and can be wonderful to do together.

It took dh and dd about 3 hours to build a 150 pound set at Xmas.

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes, but dh likes it.

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:44

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:42

It took dh and dd about 3 hours to build a 150 pound set at Xmas.

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes, but dh likes it.

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This child has openly said he feels his mother devotes all her time to his sister, whose hobby takes over every weekend. Do you really think an appropriate response would be ‘so? I don’t like Lego, it’s boring, I don’t want to spend all weekend doing that. Anyway we’re off to the stables again, byyyeee.’

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:45

And it is not ‘healthy adults being good parents to their kids’ to openly spend every minute with one child participating and supporting their hobby, then dismiss the other one as not taking to anything and not having any time for them because their hobbies are unimportant.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:48

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:44

This child has openly said he feels his mother devotes all her time to his sister, whose hobby takes over every weekend. Do you really think an appropriate response would be ‘so? I don’t like Lego, it’s boring, I don’t want to spend all weekend doing that. Anyway we’re off to the stables again, byyyeee.’

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No idea. Luckily I'm not in this position.

I do think it's fine to say you don't enjoy someone else's hobby though, as the ds has done. If the dh enjoys lego then that's the perfect solution. One of my dcs loved cycling. I don't even own a bike. They did it with dh solely until they were old enough to do it with mates. All absolutely fine, he wouldn't have dreamed of even asking me to go cycling. As long as yoynchat about it when they get back and are interested to hear about it then that's fine.

Dazedandbemused0 · 29/05/2023 23:48

I would support my child’s passion and tell my husband to not be so selfish and immature.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:50

Dazedandbemused0 · 29/05/2023 23:48

I would support my child’s passion and tell my husband to not be so selfish and immature.

Well, yes, this, basically!

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:51

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:48

No idea. Luckily I'm not in this position.

I do think it's fine to say you don't enjoy someone else's hobby though, as the ds has done. If the dh enjoys lego then that's the perfect solution. One of my dcs loved cycling. I don't even own a bike. They did it with dh solely until they were old enough to do it with mates. All absolutely fine, he wouldn't have dreamed of even asking me to go cycling. As long as yoynchat about it when they get back and are interested to hear about it then that's fine.

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It isn’t the perfect solution. The child has openly expressed resentment that his mother spends no time with him.

If you genuinely think it’s fine to spend every single free day with one child doing their hobby while the other child expresses unhappiness about this, and that’s fine as long as you ‘chat about it when you get back’ then you sound quite selfish and seriously uncaring. Most parents would not shrug and say ‘well I’m not interested in your hobby’ when their 8 year old showed unhappiness that they never spend any time together.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:52

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:51

It isn’t the perfect solution. The child has openly expressed resentment that his mother spends no time with him.

If you genuinely think it’s fine to spend every single free day with one child doing their hobby while the other child expresses unhappiness about this, and that’s fine as long as you ‘chat about it when you get back’ then you sound quite selfish and seriously uncaring. Most parents would not shrug and say ‘well I’m not interested in your hobby’ when their 8 year old showed unhappiness that they never spend any time together.

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Lego IS deathly though tbh.

Hairday · 29/05/2023 23:57

Honestly, sounds as though you're trying to avoid your husband and son and you're using horseriding as an excuse to do so. Having a child go through diagnosis is stressful and it's fair to have some time off, but not all the time.

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:57

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:52

Lego IS deathly though tbh.

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It has nothing to do with Lego. I’m sure you know that. It has everything to do with a mother ignoring her child saying she spends no time with him and prioritises his sibling.

myheadisspinningoutofcontrol · 30/05/2023 00:03

Find a different yard where you can leave her for the day. It might even be that she helps out so that you can get livery at a reduced cost etc.

PatchworkDonkey · 30/05/2023 00:52

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:44

This child has openly said he feels his mother devotes all her time to his sister, whose hobby takes over every weekend. Do you really think an appropriate response would be ‘so? I don’t like Lego, it’s boring, I don’t want to spend all weekend doing that. Anyway we’re off to the stables again, byyyeee.’

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Exactly! If OP carries on like she is, her younger DC won't be interested in a relationship with her in 5yrs time. She'll be on here posting about her teenager who shuts her out of their life and barely speaks to her, assuring us that there's been no falling out and she hasn't a clue what she's supposed to have done wrong, there's no reason at all for it etc

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2023 01:03

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 29/05/2023 23:40

I don't think I'd enjoy doing lego all weekend either. Perhaps her dh does and they can split their time and get together in the evening,like healthy adults being good parents tontheir kids. In five years it will be done with anyway.

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The point is the tike she's not spending with her son because she's too busy with DD. Do you only spent quality time with the kids if it meets your conditions of fun?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2023 01:05

Dazedandbemused0 · 29/05/2023 23:48

I would support my child’s passion and tell my husband to not be so selfish and immature.

And the other kid that's just less fun for op to hang out with? Should he grow up too?

XelaM · 30/05/2023 05:59

Floralnomad · 29/05/2023 23:22

The obvious answer is to move the pony to a different yard where there are more kids so she starts to get more independent with it all .

This.

Find a child-friendly yard. Sign her up to Pony Club if that's an option. You will not have to stick around all day and your daughter will have loads of horsey teenagers to hang out with. Your yard doesn't sound fun for a teenager.

My teen is at a yard with loads of other kids/teens. Her whole social life revolves around the yard. They spend all day together on weekends/holidays and hang out at the yard after school. The yard owners/staff are there to help if needed but the teens are all mostly self-sufficient. They hack out together.

They also go out to competitions together (the yard has lorries and takes them) and camp out in the lorry for stay-away competitions. It's a lot more fun (and convenient for the parents) when they go to competitions together.

Your yard is the wrong set-up for a horsey kid with a non-horsey family. Find a different yard that is geared towards kids and you won't look back.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 06:20

Lego IS deathly though tbh.

It doesn't matter 🤷‍♀️ it's what her son likes doing and he's said multiple times he wants to spend time with his mum.

But mum doesn't care and would rather disappear to the stables all weekend. It's quite sad, really.

DanceMumTaxi · 30/05/2023 07:20

I can understand why you don’t want to sell the horse now that your dd loves it so much, but it does sound like you need to find a different yard. As others have said, it would be much better if you could leave dd there alone so you get more time with your ds. Not sure what you do about dh though if he wants you all to be together, dd included. We don’t get much family time either because of busy jobs and dc’s hobbies, but we do try to have one or two days out during school holidays if we can.

peachicecream · 30/05/2023 07:27

No, younger child, despite my best efforts has not taken to anything we've tried, football, rugby, motocross, etc etc. He's more of a introverted sit and draw/build huge lego sets kind of kid.

Why are you trying to get him into football, rugby and motocross if he's an introverted kid who likes lego? Seems obvious that he isn't going to take to those things and I imagine quite distressing experiences for a quiet, autistic kid who is into lego.

Sell the pony and put your daughter back in riding school. It's the only way to make things more fair for your other child. Yes she'll be upset but you have two children and this situation is not working out. You shouldn't really have let it arise in the first place.

peachicecream · 30/05/2023 07:32

Kanaloa · 29/05/2023 23:38

The boy does actually have hobbies and interests though. OP says he ‘hasn’t taken to anything’ but then says he likes building Lego and is into art. It appears he just dislikes horse riding (even though it would be a ‘dream’ for her if he got into it) and team sports. His hobbies just aren’t worthy of devoting an entire weekend to.

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Yes. They could enrol him in an art class which he'd probably love, spend time developing his creativity etc. That can be an equally absorbing hobby but it sounds like OP hasn't thought of it and only thinks of sports as hobbies (and very male oriented ones she's tried with him at that!)

Spudlet · 30/05/2023 07:40

Move yards. Got any riding schools near to you - see if they offer livery of any sort. Maybe even working livery. You need to be able to drop and go and your current yard doesn’t facilitate that, so you need to find one that does. At the moment your balance is totally off, you need to change something so that can shift and the yard seems like the obvious one - who in earth wants to spend time around people irritated by the presence of your child anyway? You need a yard that’s more welcoming to younger riders.