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Discuss horse riding and ownership on our Horse forum.

Original poster

Horse riding dividing family

252 replies

Fatmamslim · 29/05/2023 21:51

Not sure I know what I'm asking here..

But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it?

We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard.

Younger sibling hates it. (8)

Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child.

I work an intense job with unsociable hours which is the only reason we can afford said pony DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever.

I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life.

I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:42

And I find it bizarre that the mother can’t ‘pander to’ the 8 year old asking to spend some time with her but is apparently fine to revolve her entire life around a teenager’s pony.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:42

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:41

If he wants to spend time with his mother he needs to take some form of interest in her hobby. Even if that means bringing an iPad or something. OP cannot derive her daughter of her hobby to pander to a child who takes no interest in any hobbies of his own.

This is horrific. He needs to ‘take interest’ in his mother and sister’s hobby by sitting quietly on an iPad in the corner of an stable otherwise it’s totally justified for his mother to spend no time with him?

And by the way, this child has hobbies. Maybe his mother could take some form of interest in those, rather than expecting the autistic 8 year old to do all the work in their relationship.

I think OP and her son should find something special to do together as well. However from the sounds of OP's PPs, the DS isn't really interested in anything. So he should be encouraged to throw himself into something instead of being pandered to by OP's DH.

LimeCheesecake · 30/05/2023 08:44

I am assuming you aren’t thinking DD is Olympic potential - assuming she’s not, I would sell the horse - blame costs, not her brother. Say that it needs to be put on hold until she’s old enough to be at the stables without you - so after GCSEs. Riding school until then, something your dh can do drop off and pick up for. (Put the money you get from horse sale and money saved from the difference in riding school VS yard costs in a separate account until then)

make an effort to find solo things for ds, art classes, Lego masters club, climbing is a good solo physical activity. (There are childrens climbing lessons)

rebalance your family.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:45

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:42

And I find it bizarre that the mother can’t ‘pander to’ the 8 year old asking to spend some time with her but is apparently fine to revolve her entire life around a teenager’s pony.

It sounds like OP and her DD have the pony in common and it's something they do together. I think OP and her son need to find that thing too. Maybe it means the DD loses one day of horse riding - fair enough. But OP cannot sell the pony etc etc just because one younger sibling is jealous of the time she spends on it.
All I'm saying is the DS should find a similar hobby because it sounds like he doesn't actually have any ideas of what he wants to do - he just wants the OP to "spend time" with him - doing what exactly?? OP and her DH need to throw the DS into a hobby together so they can spend more time together.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:45

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:42

I think OP and her son should find something special to do together as well. However from the sounds of OP's PPs, the DS isn't really interested in anything. So he should be encouraged to throw himself into something instead of being pandered to by OP's DH.

Show quote history

You must struggle with reading comprehension. He isn’t into motocross and rugby or ponies as op would like him to be, but this boy has two hobbies he is very invested in. OP just isn’t interested in them.

GOODCAT · 30/05/2023 08:48

If there is another parent hanging around with their child, can you take it in turns to be at the yard with them or pay a 17 year old or young adult to be with her? To afford it cut the competing. I would do everything possible to support her and not cut and run because her Dad and brother are not on board.

Check if the yard owner needs an adult there and see if you can agree to insure separately if need be.

I would have been devastated if I had been made to give up because my family wasn't into it. They had varying degrees of interest.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 08:48

I cannot believe people on this thread suggesting that they sell the dds pony and make her give up what she loves so that her brother can sit and do Lego all weekend!

So many clueless posters banging on about drop and run livery yards as well.

OP, tell your dh to grow up and support his dds passion. Perhaps he could help your ds to find something he loves as you have done with your dd. Good luck.

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 08:48

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:45

It sounds like OP and her DD have the pony in common and it's something they do together. I think OP and her son need to find that thing too. Maybe it means the DD loses one day of horse riding - fair enough. But OP cannot sell the pony etc etc just because one younger sibling is jealous of the time she spends on it.
All I'm saying is the DS should find a similar hobby because it sounds like he doesn't actually have any ideas of what he wants to do - he just wants the OP to "spend time" with him - doing what exactly?? OP and her DH need to throw the DS into a hobby together so they can spend more time together.

Show quote history

You're putting all the onus on an autistic 8 year old. So what if he just wants to spend time with his mum whether that's watching a film or going out for a walk or playing a board game. Why does he need to find a more acceptable hobby to share with her just so she will give him some attention?

The only viable options here are for them to move yards so the op doesn't have to helicopter her 13 year old every time she wants to do something horse related. Or to sell the pony and put her back into lessons whilst ring fencing one weekend day to be for the whole family to spend time together.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:50

I just don't think there's an awful lot of 8 year olds who are invested into a sport or hobby at all. My worry is that OP sells her poor DD's pony for the sake of sitting indoors doing Legos with an 8 year old. OP needs to make sure she spends time with her son; but DS does need to either come to the yard and build his Lego's there, or suck it up until he's old enough to be interested in something himself imho.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 08:52

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:50

I just don't think there's an awful lot of 8 year olds who are invested into a sport or hobby at all. My worry is that OP sells her poor DD's pony for the sake of sitting indoors doing Legos with an 8 year old. OP needs to make sure she spends time with her son; but DS does need to either come to the yard and build his Lego's there, or suck it up until he's old enough to be interested in something himself imho.

Of course he doesn't need to just "suck it up" and go the yard.

His mum should be spending dedicated time with him just like she does with her daughter. Dad is the one who needs to suck it up and go to the yard.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:53

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:50

I just don't think there's an awful lot of 8 year olds who are invested into a sport or hobby at all. My worry is that OP sells her poor DD's pony for the sake of sitting indoors doing Legos with an 8 year old. OP needs to make sure she spends time with her son; but DS does need to either come to the yard and build his Lego's there, or suck it up until he's old enough to be interested in something himself imho.

No he’s doesn’t. Parents spend time with their kids whether or not they are interested in hobbies they personally find interesting. She is already spending every spare moment either working to afford her ‘poor dd’s’ pony, or supporting her in caring for it. An 8 year old does not need to ‘suck up’ his mother having no time to spend with them because he ‘isn’t interested’ in motocross, rugby, or horses.

Maybe op could start a Lego MOC project with her son, designing it, sourcing the pieces, then building it together, and the daughter could suck it up and quietly read a book about pony care in the corner.

PuffinsRocks · 30/05/2023 08:58

OP I hope you take the sound advice and filter out the people who clearly have nothing better to do this morning than post competitive arguments in The Tack Room when they've no idea about horses.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:59

@Kanaloa I'm not saying that OP shouldn't do that with her son!
However there needs to be a middle ground here. It sounds like DH and DS are kicking off because they don't spend much time with OP. Maybe DH should get a better job so OP doesn't have to work such antisocial hours.? Or do pony stuff with DD too? When you have kids with a hobby you need to be prepared to devote your time to it - that comes from the mum AND dad.
I think OP has a husband problem not a son problem. However the 8 year old does not have the right to monopolise the time OP is spending with his sister. There needs to be some sort of balance here but ultimately DD is more invested into a hobby than DS. If DS invests himself into something that involves competition etc then he would be justified in wanting OP to step down with DD. But what is OP meant to do?? Sit at home all day watching films and derive her daughter of playing sport?

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 09:00

To be honest op’s dilemma really has nothing to do with horses though. This could be exactly the same if the teen was a competitive Irish dancer or gymnast or footballer or debate team star. The issue here isn’t that a child likes horses. It’s that one child’s hobby is taking up all her mother’s time and effort, while another child is openly saying he wants to be with his mother more but is being rejected as his interests aren’t seen as worthy.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:00

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 08:48

You're putting all the onus on an autistic 8 year old. So what if he just wants to spend time with his mum whether that's watching a film or going out for a walk or playing a board game. Why does he need to find a more acceptable hobby to share with her just so she will give him some attention?

The only viable options here are for them to move yards so the op doesn't have to helicopter her 13 year old every time she wants to do something horse related. Or to sell the pony and put her back into lessons whilst ring fencing one weekend day to be for the whole family to spend time together.

Show quote history

He has a dad doesn't he? The onus should be on him to do something with his son. Maybe if he was more supportive of his dd it might even be fun for the ds to go to the yard if he sees his dad likes it.

Tbh my younger kids got dragged to everything that their older siblings did until they found something they enjoyed. If that passion is Lego then let dh do it with him.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 09:01

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:59

@Kanaloa I'm not saying that OP shouldn't do that with her son!
However there needs to be a middle ground here. It sounds like DH and DS are kicking off because they don't spend much time with OP. Maybe DH should get a better job so OP doesn't have to work such antisocial hours.? Or do pony stuff with DD too? When you have kids with a hobby you need to be prepared to devote your time to it - that comes from the mum AND dad.
I think OP has a husband problem not a son problem. However the 8 year old does not have the right to monopolise the time OP is spending with his sister. There needs to be some sort of balance here but ultimately DD is more invested into a hobby than DS. If DS invests himself into something that involves competition etc then he would be justified in wanting OP to step down with DD. But what is OP meant to do?? Sit at home all day watching films and derive her daughter of playing sport?

The boy does not have to have a competitive hobby to be worthy of spending time with his mother. He is not trying to monopolise her time - he simply wants his own fair share. DD being ‘more invested’ in a competitive hobby does not mean she should get more of her mother’s time than her younger brother who is being investigated for SEN.

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:02

PuffinsRocks · 30/05/2023 08:58

OP I hope you take the sound advice and filter out the people who clearly have nothing better to do this morning than post competitive arguments in The Tack Room when they've no idea about horses.

Quite. Read the room @Kanaloa and others.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:03

Tbh my younger kids got dragged to everything that their older siblings did until they found something they enjoyed. If that passion is Lego then let dh do it with him.

This. Unfortunately until they are old enough to be left at home alone they have to be dragged to everything, whether that's the supermarket, school runs, swimming lessons etc etc. Whether it's horses or not.

Also it's coming into the summer now.
DS and DH might actually find they enjoy being outside in the sun at the yard if they actually tried to put effort into it.

OP - maybe you could turn it into family time? I.e. yard with DD then pub lunch/dinner afterwards? DS and DH could meet you at a local country pub every Sunday after you compete with DD. Best of both worlds?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:03

He has a dad doesn't he? The onus should be on him to do something with his son. Maybe if he was more supportive of his dd it might even be fun for the ds to go to the yard if he sees his dad likes it.

This little boy is saying, loud and clear, that he wants his mum. So why is your answer that dad should do something with him? Especially when dad already looks after him every single weekend so mum and daughter can live at the yard?

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 09:03

Thepleasureofyourcompany · 30/05/2023 09:02

Quite. Read the room @Kanaloa and others.

Show quote history

I’ve already responded to that. This issue really has little to do with horses. Post it in the special needs section and see how ‘the room’ might see it then. Because it has as much to do with special needs or just plain parenting as anything else.

But never mind, the autistic 8 year old isn’t as important as ponies! His hobbies are boring and dull and he can just sit in the corner of a stable and never spend time with his mum - at least not until he learns to pretend he likes ponies.

Mischance · 30/05/2023 09:03

I'm with your DH. Families are about balance - there is none in the situation you describe. TBH it was unwise to get the pony in the first place.

Girls of this age become obsessed with their ponies to the exclusion of everything else. It sounds as though large amounts of your income are being poured into this hobby. And caring for a horse vacuums up time as well as money.

There is no reason why your DH should alter the situation where he is clueless about horses - he has other aspects to his life that are important to him and he does not have to get sucked into this.

However, I am not sure you can solve this by selling the pony - your DD would be very resentful and upset and there will be no going back from that.

Family discussion I think, so that people can express their views and your DD can see how her hobby is distorting the balance of family life. Your son needs your time and attention too.

How soon might you feel OK about leaving your DD at the stables? How many years is this imbalance due to continue?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:05

Unfortunately until they are old enough to be left at home alone they have to be dragged to everything, whether that's the supermarket, school runs, swimming lessons etc etc. Whether it's horses or not.

But it's not a case of him having to come to the yard or he'll be home alone.

Why can't dad go to the yard and OP actually spend some time with her 8yo who's screaming out for his mum?

Dragonsandcats · 30/05/2023 09:05

I think you should look into a sharer for your dd’s pony. This would ease money pressures a little as well as time pressure allowing you some more family time/time with your ds.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 30/05/2023 09:07

Planning is my answer.

dc1 loves riding great but I’m sure she will also benefit from family time.

So plan ahead.
Decide how often you have a day together as a family.
Decide who is taking who when. So you have time with dc2. DH will have to do the riding bit, even if it’s not 50/50.
Check ahead tte dates of all the events.
Write it all on the calendar.

That should give you time together as a family (could include time as a couple too)
Time with for dc2+you
Time fir dc1 riding.

Fwiw I get dc1 enjoys riding BUT she can’t make it the sole and only focus of the family. What would happen if dc2 had a hobby too that was as encompassing? Both would need to make some allowances for the other. And imo wanting to spend time with mum etc… is just as important/valuable. Dc1 needs to learn to appreciate that too.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 09:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/05/2023 09:05

Unfortunately until they are old enough to be left at home alone they have to be dragged to everything, whether that's the supermarket, school runs, swimming lessons etc etc. Whether it's horses or not.

But it's not a case of him having to come to the yard or he'll be home alone.

Why can't dad go to the yard and OP actually spend some time with her 8yo who's screaming out for his mum?

I agree with you on this. DH needs to step up. But it sounds like OP is enjoying this time with her DD and neither of them should be robbed of that because a younger sibling won't compromise. DD needs to compromise too, but no way should the pony be sold as PP are suggesting.