Page 3 | Horse riding dividing family

Fatmamslim · 2023-05-29T20:51:29+00:00

Not sure I know what I'm asking here.. But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it? We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard. Younger sibling hates it. (8) Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child. I work an intense job with unsociable hours --which is the only reason we can afford said pony-- DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever. I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life. I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/05/2023 07:40

Dazedandbemused0 · 29/05/2023 23:48

I would support my child’s passion and tell my husband to not be so selfish and immature.

So you’d sit with the DS, building Lego (supporting his passion) and tell the DH not to be so selfish and immature but go to the stables with the DD?

I think you’ll find that’s what many posters on this thread are saying the OP needs to do…why present it as if you’re the lone voice that dares speak the truth?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 07:47

I think your dh needs to get more involved with horsey dc, at least that way the younger dc gets to spend time with you.

As for things like comps etc, they do take up a ridiculous amount of time (my dd is horsey), so maybe she stops doing those (or cuts back to one every few months), so rather than a whole day or weekend being taken up with horses, it's only a few hours. She could also ride really early in the morning, before people get up, so you are both back in time to do family stuff. Also make the most of the late sunsets and go more during the week.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 07:49

Another choice is you move the pony to another yard with a riding school. She gets involved with the other kids, can stay there for the day alone, helping out and rides her own horse for lessons etc.

marmite2023 · 30/05/2023 07:50

Those saying sell the pony and put her back in riding school - please don’t do that. It will be devastating to your child. My pony was sold at 13 because I totally outgrew him yet it still triggered depression that led to an eating disorder that never quite went away.

My horses are my life. You could no sooner ask me to sell them than kill my dog or give my cat away.

the only reason to sell a pony is if the child loses interest, completely outgrows them (but do it more sympathetically than my mother did) or if the pony turns out to be dangerously unsuitable for the child, or the child abusive to the pony.

Please follow the sensible advice here: change yards to a teen friendly one, even if it means sacrificing facilities, and cut down on the competing, which is better for the pony anyway and will keep them going longer / injury free. Prioritise one weekend day with your son and one with your daughter.

I did all my horse care myself from age 10. I had friends whose mothers did all the mucking out and grooming. Guess who stayed the distance with horses? Me, not them. They gave up when boys and parties started happening at 15. It’s an investment in your child to give her a safe place for growing her independence and confidence by being in charge of her pony. My mum let me go to parties but I still had to be up at 6.30 to sort my horse, and he would be sold if I neglected him. It helped me be responsible.

twistyizzy · 30/05/2023 07:53

For everyone saying "you dont need to be there/just drop her and run" this is highly irresponsible as insurance for most livery yards will state that under 16s have to be supervised by an adult at all times, ours certainly does!

ElizabethBest · 30/05/2023 07:54

Switch yards to a more child friendly drop and run place. If she can make horsey friends her own age then it’ll be nicer for her, and the potential is there to split lifts and things with other parents.

Be more discerning about competition entry - tell her she can choose which you go to, but max 2 a month. Try and prioritise country show type competitions where it’s more of a day out that DH and DS might enjoy.

twistyizzy · 30/05/2023 07:55

bonfirebash · 29/05/2023 21:58

Does she need you at the yard? I was doing everything alone by that age except for competitions

Most livery yards stipulate under 16s have to be supervised by an adult at all times due to insurance.

FourFoxSake · 30/05/2023 07:56

Another one saying:

Find a new yard where she is better supported and so needs less parental supervision while there. Work up to her having more and more time there independently.
Also split the weekend so she gets one day with you at the yard and the other day you spend with your other child
Also strongly consider alternating weekends at the yard with your DH. I suspect he could manage to keep her safe enough, even though you doubt him.

Divebar2021 · 30/05/2023 08:01

You don’t necessarily have to sell the pony though so you ? You could find someone to share with you who could maybe take a couple of days a week.

Mada1985 · 30/05/2023 08:01

For people saying just drop dd off alot of yards have a only on there own at 16 due to insurance

Newuser82 · 30/05/2023 08:01

myheadisspinningoutofcontrol · 30/05/2023 00:03

Find a different yard where you can leave her for the day. It might even be that she helps out so that you can get livery at a reduced cost etc.

Yes, this may work. Also have you looked in to livery at a riding school? She may be able to join in the hacks and stuff with them?

twistyizzy · 30/05/2023 08:06

Mada1985 · 30/05/2023 08:01

For people saying just drop dd off alot of yards have a only on there own at 16 due to insurance

Exactly, I can't believe that people are suggesting this!!!

twistyizzy · 30/05/2023 08:07

Fatmamslim · 29/05/2023 22:28

Definitely not usual to drop and run at comps in our circles..

She's actually not 13 until end of year, sorry I should have been more accurate- but even so our yard isn't "child friendly" - it's a very small barn with 99% adult only riders. - most are tolerant of children but there's a couple that find their very presence annoying. Although yard owner is very welcoming and we really do love the yard, great facilities etc I would not say it would be appropriate for me to leave her there. I could leave her there for an hour or so to do jobs, but definitely not riding. If she had an accident she isn't old enough to look after herself and its not the yard owner or other livery responsibility to keep an eye on her. I don't allow her to hack out alone yet either. Pony is a Saint, but our country roads are like a racetrack.

DH will go when he has to. He is clueless though. He is on the spectrum and finds it stressful to degree.

DD also highly anxious child who lacks self confidence. She's a great little rider, according to her instructors. I don't know what I'm looking at I just want her to stay on tbh

I could insist parental split across children but whilst that would solve sibling gripe, DH gripe is we have no family time and that it takes up all my spare time around work. ... I suspect there's a financial resentment creeping in.. which is probably understandable.

Please do not leave any child under the age of 16 alone at a yard without adult supervision + check the terms of your livery contract.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:12

PPs saying sell the pony - so OP's DD now can't have a hobby because of her brother? How would that be fair on the DD?
OP if money is an issue you should really consider moving the pony to a DIY yard, ideally one with more kids. You can muck in with others to do early morning turnout/evening bring in if you're not up there every day.
You could also get a sharer. They pay you to ride pony a couple times a week. and often will do yard chores too. Keeps pony fit and takes pressure off you guys exercising it all summer.
However I do agree with PPs that you need to loosen the apron strings a bit here. Drop DD to yard, let her muck out, bring in etc etc. If she wants to ride 3-4 times a week you definitely should be present for safety, but only for when she's riding.
Your son and husband do need to get over it tbf. People have hobbies and jobs. Your entire life cannot revolve around being a mother and a wife.
Enjoy pony time with DD!! And if you stop enjoying it, leave her to it. It will get easier as she gets older

ohfook · 30/05/2023 08:14

Could you change yards to one that is more child friendly. The one we had when we were younger was definitely a drop off and leave kind of place. A few teenagers had horses and the summer holidays, weekends would be spent there without an adult in sight. It was perfect.

I'd also think about ring-fencing one day a week as family time whether your daughter likes it or not. She has a lot of money and time spent on her so it should be non-negotiable that in return for that Sunday afternoons (or whatever) are for family.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/05/2023 08:24

My friend had a similar situation with her two DC one very horsey (and very talented… so weeks away for POYS/HOYS/winter chaps/blue chip etc etc etc) the other child hated it.
Again father that had limited desire to get involved in horses. Now they are older teens it’s really really strained their relationship between the two siblings and between my friend and the non horsey daughter as she very much felt like the other child was prioritised (which tbh she was) and incredibly resentful.
Id not tell you to sell the pony, but maybe get a sharer to cover a day that you can dedicate to you DS and yes agree, your DH needs to step up.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/05/2023 08:26

ohfook · 30/05/2023 08:14

Could you change yards to one that is more child friendly. The one we had when we were younger was definitely a drop off and leave kind of place. A few teenagers had horses and the summer holidays, weekends would be spent there without an adult in sight. It was perfect.

I'd also think about ring-fencing one day a week as family time whether your daughter likes it or not. She has a lot of money and time spent on her so it should be non-negotiable that in return for that Sunday afternoons (or whatever) are for family.

But yes I agree with this also. One day has to be for family.
I say this as someone who grew up with horses with siblings that didn’t like horses!

Wolbarker · 30/05/2023 08:31

I think you need a new yard. At 12 I would get dropped off and picked up and parents had no involvement. Can you find a local RS that has owners and loaners? Most of the 12 year olds I know do everything except compete on their own.

We keep our horses at home and it’s so easy but we live in a cheap area! I realise it’s quite a commitment.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:33

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:12

PPs saying sell the pony - so OP's DD now can't have a hobby because of her brother? How would that be fair on the DD?
OP if money is an issue you should really consider moving the pony to a DIY yard, ideally one with more kids. You can muck in with others to do early morning turnout/evening bring in if you're not up there every day.
You could also get a sharer. They pay you to ride pony a couple times a week. and often will do yard chores too. Keeps pony fit and takes pressure off you guys exercising it all summer.
However I do agree with PPs that you need to loosen the apron strings a bit here. Drop DD to yard, let her muck out, bring in etc etc. If she wants to ride 3-4 times a week you definitely should be present for safety, but only for when she's riding.
Your son and husband do need to get over it tbf. People have hobbies and jobs. Your entire life cannot revolve around being a mother and a wife.
Enjoy pony time with DD!! And if you stop enjoying it, leave her to it. It will get easier as she gets older

Her entire life can’t revolve around being a mother and wife, but can revolve around one child hobby? And the autistic 8 year old who desperately wants his mother to spend some time with him and remarks that she spends all weekend with his sister should ‘get over it?’

Wolbarker · 30/05/2023 08:33

Also, on no account should DD be made to give up the pony because DS is jealous, you would literally be ruining her life.

drpet49 · 30/05/2023 08:37

“So, to afford the pony, you work "an intense job with unsociable hours" which means your husband and your children don't see much of you during the working week. Except, your daughter has you all to herself at the weekends because of the pony.

You have a work-life balance issue. And a life-life balance issue on top of that.”

This! You seem to be sacrificing everything for this pony and your DD. Selfish.

cocunut · 30/05/2023 08:38

@Kanaloa no I'm not saying her life should revolve around the horses either, although they do seem to have that effect!
I grew up as a horsey kid with a non horsey younger brother - same age gap as OP's kids. My brother had no choice but to come up to the yard with us as he refused to take interest in other hobbies like OP's son. He would sit quite happily with his Nintendo DS or a book and some snacks till we were done.
As he got older he took up playing golf with my dad and still plays to this day. He started doing that while we rode once he got to about 12 or 13.
If he wants to spend time with his mother he needs to take some form of interest in her hobby. Even if that means bringing an iPad or something. OP cannot derive her daughter of her hobby to pander to a child who takes no interest in any hobbies of his own.

Codlingmoths · 30/05/2023 08:38

I do my best with the time I have to make sure I connect with him emotionally.
I don’t know if you read that as you wrote it. Once you’ve attended to your dds every desire, you do your best with the few minutes remaining. Ummm how heroic of you. If you are not being fair to your kids or husband, you need to change your time allocation. If that means your preferred child no longer gets as much expensive hobby as she wants then cry me a river.

RudsyFarmer · 30/05/2023 08:40

I don’t think this is such an unusual situation. My kids have different hobbies and we’re often in different places doing them. The issue sounds like it’s always you though. You and your husband need to divide your time between children so they get to see you.

Kanaloa · 30/05/2023 08:41

If he wants to spend time with his mother he needs to take some form of interest in her hobby. Even if that means bringing an iPad or something. OP cannot derive her daughter of her hobby to pander to a child who takes no interest in any hobbies of his own.

This is horrific. He needs to ‘take interest’ in his mother and sister’s hobby by sitting quietly on an iPad in the corner of an stable otherwise it’s totally justified for his mother to spend no time with him?

And by the way, this child has hobbies. Maybe his mother could take some form of interest in those, rather than expecting the autistic 8 year old to do all the work in their relationship.