Horse riding dividing family

[Fatmamslim]

Not sure I know what I'm asking here..

But how do you cope if you have two children, one horse mad (13) and the other hates it?

We own a pony. Child is now competing and wants to spend every second of her life at the yard.

Younger sibling hates it. (8)

Weekends are spent divided as a family as I am at yard and dad is with younger child.

I work an intense job with unsociable hours which is the only reason we can afford said pony DH feels he never see's me and younger child starting to become resentful and says things like "great so another day I don't see you because of x's hobby" as we head out for yet more jobs/yard work/day of competing whatever.

I will admit I'm struggling with the balance. Daily I think about selling him and putting her back in a riding school but once a week but then I watch the joy in her face as she goes clear or gallops across the fields and know it would destroy her now. It is her life.

I feel pulled in all directions and I don't know how to fix it.

I think OP's son would really benefit from spending time around animals and learning how to care for them.

But why? So it's more convenient and so he fits in more?

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Exactly! Maybe it would benefit the daughter and mum to spend more time building Lego sets. But there’s definitely an undertone of horsey people thinking anyone who doesn’t love horses is basically wrong. To the point that an autistic 8 year old needs to just suck it up and get with the programme which is that ponies are now more important to his mother than he is.

It's more of a suggestion for DS to spend time with his mum if changing timings/scheduling isn't possible at the moment. But something does need to give in OP's situation and it would also be more convenient for the DD to be involved in DS's hobbies.
Unfortunately for DS, horses take much more time than Lego. If DS had an equally time consuming hobby then DD would definitely have to compromise.
I think OP can definitely spend an hour with her son doing something he enjoys while DH does horse stuff with DD.

@cocunut i have tte exact same situation at home. A DH and one dc on the spectrum. One NT child.

Im very aware of what can go in and what can go wrong. I don’t need to be told thank you.
Just as much as the NT child needs an outlet, it STILL doesn’t entitle them to take over in that way.

No one has advocated here to tell the dd to stop riding altogether.
But leaving time so they have time as a family isn’t asking much.
Asking the DH to spend SOME time taking the dd riding should also be possible (even if he is clueless etc… she is now old enough to be able to cope with most stuff on her own. It should be more like like sitting on the side if the pool fir yet another competition).
And the 8yo should be able to have 1-1 time with his mum too.

Your younger child has explained something that it seems you agree with, not enough time or attention for them. Buying expensive lego is a poor substitute for time and attention and actually a very sad imo.

You and and your daughter now need to make sacrifices for the rest of your family. The scale of that depends on what options are available to you and what you're prepared to do.

It's not a question of finding DS a hobby so he can do that to, or something else to fund or use the time. Just be there available and showing an interest is enough to start with.

The idea that it would be great if he's just take up football, or horse riding because it would suit yours and DD's schedule better is still centering your lives around your eldest and expecting the others to slot in around that.

It's more of a suggestion for DS to spend time with his mum if changing timings/scheduling isn't possible at the moment.

But it's bullshit. He's eight. He should get that time with his mum regardless of the schedules.

But something does need to give in OP's situation and it would also be more convenient for the DD to be involved in DS's hobbies.

Neither of them should have to be involved in the others hobby.

Unfortunately for DS, horses take much more time than Lego. If DS had an equally time consuming hobby then DD would definitely have to compromise.

No, DD should have to compromise because she has a sibling and that's life. The amount of time the hobby takes up is irrelevant really.

I think OP can definitely spend an hour with her son doing something he enjoys while DH does horse stuff with DD.

So the 8yo gets an hour of his mum's time and that's it? Christ.

He wouldn’t be spending time with his mum though.

Spending time with mum means spending time doing something you enjoy and WANT TO DO. Not tagging along someone else activity.

Remember this is also a child on the spectrum. Doing small talk and having a chat whilst waiting is VERY UNLIKELY going to be his strong point or something he enjoys…l

My younger brother sounds very similar to OP's son. Him and mum used to go with me to horse shows when dad wasn't around. He had little interest in horses but he loved sitting in the lorry with my mum eating chips and showing her minecraft etc while I would compete. My mum was able to spend time with him while I was doing my hobby. OP sounds quite helicopter-ish in that sense: DD should be able to go off riding/competing while OP and DS watch from a distance.
Obviously not ideal but if dad refuses to get involved I don't see why DS can't come along and spend time with mum while DD rides.

This is the most sensible post on here, and of course what happens in the real world.

Also, I think OP could frame this situation better so DS isn't left out. Saying something to him like:
"Me and DD are going to the yard, do you want to come along and we can go for a coffee/a sandwich/watch a film on your iPad while DD rides?"
may make him feel slightly less left out.

But the boy wants to be prioritised. He sees that his mother works all the hours god sends and then spends the few left over serving his sister. He wants for one day for his mother to say he’s the important one. Not sitting in the car watching an iPad and eating a sandwich when his sister is riding. Not a throwaway ‘how’s your lego’ at the end of a long day riding. He wants his mother for once to say ‘today is about you and me, you are important to me today.’

Oh fgs. The drama. Perhaps you should do this motivational speech at swimming club to all the perfectly content siblings on ipads drinking smoothies and chatting to their parents while their older sibling swims

Or dad could step up and take his DD riding so his 8yo gets proper time with his mum.

If there is a parent who spends every waking moment supporting one child swimming while spending no time with the other child I’d feel just the same. But sure, he could spend all weekend every weekend drinking a smoothie and chatting in between his mother supporting his sister with her all encompassing hobby. I’m sure that’s fair.

And if drinking a smoothie/eating a sandwich and looking at an iPad is good quality time with a parent, then the dd of course will be happy to do this for half the weekend while her mother spends time with her little brother too!

@Kanaloa I think the age gap between the kids is probably more of an issue here. He's 8. The DD is 13. What's interesting to an 8 year old is very different to a 13 year old. Get it if he was 11 or 12 but not many 8 year olds have something they do as a sport with parents. They are perfectly content watching YouTube videos and doing crafts - a 13 year old wouldn't be. You can't treat these kids as equals because they're not.

At 13, it won't be long before schoolwork for GCSEs and the like starts getting serious. She won't be able to spend all her time messing about with horses. How about putting a time limit on this, and then moving towards selling the pony and having some kind of compromise instead to keep her riding (share, riding lessons only, some other solution)? I don't think you want to create a situation where your son looks back, in the future, and expresses resentment about the huge amount of family time and money that went on his sister's hobby.

Well, in this instance the parent IS spending time and chatting to the non swimming child. The swimming child is off swimming. Dd3 still talks fondly about the peanut butter toast from the cafe next to ds swimming lessons. No reason why ds couldn't come to the yard as long as he's well behaved and chat to mum while dd is riding. Do you even have kids? You don't seem to have any experience of having two or three children with different interests and an age gap?

And as DD gets older, so will DS. It is highly likely that he will take an interest in more time consuming hobbies/sports as DD begins to study for GCSEs and A levels. I think give it a few years and the imbalance will level out naturally as DS gets bigger.

Something's got to change OP. You need to decide what. If it was me, I'd find an alternative child-friendly yard and cut back on the comps

😂😂

Tell that to my dcs. Dd3 currently revising for a level mocks while keeping two horses fit. All mine rode throughout their school years. Nothing like it for keeping you sane and grounded.

I have 4. They all attended each other’s events because of course it was necessary. That’s not the same as one child’s hobby taking over and all the other children being expected to either suck up never seeing me or make their hobby sitting eating a sandwich while watching their sibling swim/ride.

The competitive swimmer parents piss me off, actually. Younger siblings deserve better than being stuck in front of screens and fed smoothies for hours. The fact that some kids are happy with large amounts of screentime, physical inactivity and sugar doesn't mean it's good for them. I have a big age gap and have always worked on the assumption that Older Child needs to get herself to activities OR they need to fit in with family plans OR we tag team as parents and split up for a bit.

At 13, surely "drop and run" should be an option now or very soon? I don't remember mums hanging around like this back when I had riding lessons.

If you read the thread you'll see the fact that most yards nowadays don't let u16 on the yard unsupervised

OP’s son may not be ‘perfectly content’ watching YouTube or doing crafts. He may feel that sitting in a stable looking at an iPad isn’t the quality time with his mum that he was hoping for.

Funny though how sitting in the corner of a stable is great quality time and the boy will be happy with a sandwich and an iPad but it’s totally different to expect the girl to sit quietly reading or using her iPad while the boy gets attention on him.