From the Montecito kitchen 24-hour livestream
8.30am, Tuesday 17 March 2024
The responsibly sourced and humanely felled pine of the table creaks under the weight of waffles, crêpes, hoppers-full of beyond-sell-by-date rabbit food flower sprinkles and the world's biggest LGBTQ+ fruit platter. Over the range hangs the stuffed head of deceased beagle Guy.
ENTER Archie and Lili in striped pyjamas. Meghan is on the kitchen island in warrior pose, dressed in beige.
Archie: Lili, Lili, look! Papa's on the front page of our soaraway Sun. Here's your copy. Maybe there's a story inside about papa going to a party with a sex trafficking rapper that will trigger our intergenerational trauma.
Meghan: On 17 March 2036 you will both say 'She loved us so much she got up at 6.30am every morning except Sundays to iron our individual copies of The Sun so we would be in touch with our British ginger roots and the Royal heritage into which we were born.'
Lily, nibbling a kumquat reluctantly: Mommy, why is the very, very white lady on page 3 of my newspaper showing her booby-woobies?
Meghan: Racism. The British media see everything through a post-imperial, misogynist lens. But H and I are in our taxidermy era. No more questions, girl child, while I am in warrior pose.
Lily: Whatever makes you happy, mommy.
Archie, with a crêpe on his head: Mommy, why is my hair blonde?
Meghan: Because you are born of a proud and noble line of ginger princes. And because you are wearing a crêpe on your head. Open the ginger wig drawer, choose a ginger wig and put it on now. Then go outside to Archie's chick inn and collect today's eggs, stand outside the window and juggle them. Make sure you don't break any! No more questions, boy child, while I am in warrior pose.
Archie: Whatever makes you happy, mommy.
Enter Harry, wearing a beanie on his head and an empty Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream pot on his todger.
Harry: My love. The window is splattered with raw egg and the boy child has a crêpe under his ginger wig. He must be hot in this Montecito morning sunshine. Did anyone ask if he's OK?
Meghan: No. No more questions, man child, while I am in warrior pose.
Lili: Papa, I think it's time for me and Archie to be locked in our elevated turret while Nanny Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie calls the casting agency and asks for the next children in the line of succession to be sent to Montecito.
Harry: My love, why don't you go take a bath? You need some Me time. I, your one true ginger prince, will come and rub you in the tub, once I have carried the boy child and the girl child to the elevated turret and given my orders to Nanny Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
Meghan her face expressionless: I said no more questions while I'm in warrior pose.
Lili: Bathroom number 7 out of 16 is vacant.
Meghan her face expressionless: Don't try and get round me by making a statement rather than asking a question, girl child. You're old enough to know the difference.
Archie leaning into the kitchen from the kitchen window: Papa would you mind awfully passing me a fork and knauf so I can eat the sun-dried scrambled eggs I just made before mommy sees them?
Meghan, changing posture to downward dog: I will not have that man's name uttered in this house. H, remove the boy child and his scrambled eggs from my sight. I work soo hard, preparing breakfast, doing the school run, planning beige outfits, creating social media content, answering emails, arranging flowers, walking the dogs.
Harry, his right hand on the empty Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream pot: Why is my photo on the front of today's Sun? Just look at it and feel traumatised with me, all of you. Let's see. Story on page 5. OK. Listen up. Headline. Harry named in P Diddy sex trafficking case. Then it says: 'Prince Harry, fifth in line to the throne, is mentioned in court papers connected with the case of rapper P Diddy. The ginger prince's name appears in lists of high profile people who attended parties hosted by P Diddy and who his detractors say were cover for his predatory behaviour. The rapper is on trial for alleged sexual misconduct. There is no suggestion that Prince Harry was involved with any of the alleged incidents.' This is an establishment conspiracy. My father could have intervened and put a stop to this. My family needs 24 hour security. I was born a ginger prince and I will always be a ginger prince. There are people in the institution who wish me and my family harm. P Diddy is why we had to leave Britain. Mental health check, guys. How are you feeling now?
Archie: Papa reading that article has had a significant impact on my mental health.
Lili: Papa reading that article has had a significant impact on my mental health.
Meghan: That man loves me sooo much.