If you could have one actual conversation with your cat what would it be?

[Breadcat24]

I would love to be able to explain to my cat that if we go on holiday we are coming back, and we love her and that nice lady will be feeding and petting you while we are gone.

In practice I would probably blow my chance with such useless things like-

Why are you always sick on the rug not the wooden floor?
Who is a pussy wussy then?
It's 5am and not breakfast time yet

What do you want to say to your cat and would they care?

'I love you so much. Do you love me?'

I had a slow down dish for my dog and there are lick mats. Maybe there is something similar for cats?

This made me sad.

I do talk to my cat. He says thank goodness you’re home no one else feeds me. He’s often lying and after extra tea.

Sometimes he says look I’ve bought a live mouse in, I then call him a dickhead. Don’t think he understands this.

He sometimes says I’ve been out in the rain can you dry me, and to be fair he does say thank you in the form of a noisy purr.

@BirthdayRainbow "This made me sad."

Sorry 😔 it is sad and I'll cry if I think about it too much because I'm soppy!
But he's also gradually learning how to enjoy toys that don't make any noise so that's good to see. He still watches the telly even though he can't hear it. He still loves a fuss and purrs loudly.

He is still convinced he hasn't eaten in six years, still likes to knock things off surfaces if no one is paying him attention and still behaves like a shouty knobhead all night long, so in some ways not much has changed 😂

I love him so much ❤️

"what is wrong with all three different (and expensive) cat beds I have bought you? Surely they are more comfortable than sleeping on your cardboard scratching pad where I just caught you napping?"
"yes I KNOW my pile of clean laundry might be more comfortable than those three expensive cat beds, but WHY for the love of God WHY?"

Mine arrived as a stray. I'd like to ask him what happened to him before he found me. Also, there was a day when he was missing until lunchtime and turned up wet through and filthy. Our theory was he had fallen into the river and been swept downstream. I'd want to ask him how he fell in, how far he went and how did he get out. That's it really. He already knows how I feel about the decapitated mice and vomit on the carpet.

To my departed little love: did you know I loved, still love, you, body and soul?
The last year when you were ill and going to and from the vets, which you hated, I was only trying to make you well again my little one. I miss you so much. Please forgive me.

😂😂

Why won't you sit on furniture with us, why do you get off the couch if we sit on it when you are ready sat on it?

Yes, I am that needy now stay on my lap all evening!
Are you happy?
Why do you chew plastic bags and wrappings?

I'd like to explain to her that sometimes we need to pick her up to help her (taking her to the vet or to stop her from stepping on something that might hurt her toe beans like the cooker).
Or that the flea treatment we put on her every month is for her own good.

Dear Boycat 2, Why have you turned into Velcro Cat this week? Why the constant obsessive need to climb on me and then turn into a floppy blob ALL THE TIME??? I love you, you know I do, but I'm all cuddled out.

Why when you want a fuss do we have to sit on the floor next to you, you would get a lot more fusses if you would sit next to us on sofas or beds

Boy cat: Where did you go to when you managed to escape from your cat basket at the vets and taunted me for two days on the wasteground outside as i tried to catch you and then disappeared and turned up at home (which was 10 miles away) four days later?

Girl cat: just because you're 17 now you don't need to bite your brother's tail and hiss at him when he sits next to you and flicks you with said tail.

Also obviously the going away one and also why, just because your catflap is in the window now as we have a flood door, have you lost the ability to use it?

I will give you lovely cuddles if you sit on my knee, I mean you no harm and all I ever want to do is give you nice strokes and you have nothing to worry about. Please sit on my knee, I think you will have a nice time if you just give it a go.

I’d ask girl cat 1..Why do you still wee in the house and please can you stop doing it?
Girl cat 2..It’s ok for your long hair to blow in the wind. No need to be panic stricken as soon as the weather turns gusty.
Boy cat..What is it like to be so unbelievably chilled all the time?

Why do you sit in the fruit bowl?
I may have misguidedly tempted you off it with a treat, once. In the thousands of times you have sat there since then it has never earned you another treat.
It can’t be comfortable.
Anyway if you persist I’m going to invest in a pineapple.

My first thought before opening this thread was also holidays! I haven't been on holiday since I got him as I'm worried about how he will cope! Same as OP, I would like to be able to explain holidays to him, and that he will be okay, and that I will come back. And then ask for his permission for me to take a holiday.

Definitely explain why you are going away. And if they are going to the cattery, that you will be back. Likewise vet visits.
I'd have liked to Tell Pads not to try and play with Penelope. And I loved him.

Why do you insist in opening the fridge when I forget to put the child lock on?
How an earth have you managed to open the bathroom door when we changed the handle to a knob?
Why do you bite my knees when I make your breakfast?
Why do you terrorize your sibling? (Other cat)
Why do you like to be carried like a baby and crawl over my shoulders at times

After this morning I would like to add... What makes you think that you are good at minutes? I am sure you are very observant but you leave a lot of typos and you don't need to delete whole paragraphs because your foot is itchy. Please stop switching the laptop off mid-meeting and typing potentially offensive chat messages - I don't know what fsajfhsahivvghojeoafijeodf meant but my colleagues cat looked shocked!

God so much to say

To my boy cat - please dont keep waking me up at 5 am by jumping on the bed, meowing in my face and poking my face with your paw. Also, please stop shagging the remote control holder outside my bedroom door, its not clever or impressive.

To my girl cat I would say why are you so bloody skittish all the time. Ive had you since you were a kitten and you have been treated like royalty yet you still run away from me like I'm about to kill you. Also, please stop being so horrid to the dog, she is so wary of you she will reverse back if she sees you. However, I am secretly proud of what a badass you are when you scrap with next doors cat, for such a nervous girl you are very feisty. I love you both, you are a pain in the ass but you are my pain in the ass.

To my daft Birman boy cat who goes rigid with horror every time I pick him up (and I do now say this to him every time I pick him up!): "yes, you're right, I am going to drop you and the world will end. I've been picking you up for 15 years now and yes, I've dropped you every time."

(I've never once dropped him but he acts like I'm going to!!)

To Gizmo

• what were you doing on the toilet seat last night?
• why do you hiss at us whenever we walk past you?
• what's with the biting?
• why are you so keen on DS2 and jump on his knee whenever he visits us?
• how did you hurt your foot and why do you keep letting it bleed on our white duvet cover?
• why do you hate Picard so much?
• why do you sleep on your back, with your legs in the air?