If you could have one actual conversation with your cat what would it be?

[Breadcat24]

I would love to be able to explain to my cat that if we go on holiday we are coming back, and we love her and that nice lady will be feeding and petting you while we are gone.

In practice I would probably blow my chance with such useless things like-

Why are you always sick on the rug not the wooden floor?
Who is a pussy wussy then?
It's 5am and not breakfast time yet

What do you want to say to your cat and would they care?

Great question OP.
What's your philosophy on life? When you're lazing about do you ever worry about the future or how you are spending your time, and if not why not? how can I be more like you?

And to a previous beloved cat (RIP), How did you end up as a stray in the UK when you were chipped in another country entirely? Always longed to know.

How do you know when we are sick or sad? How do you always know? And thank you so much for always coming to sit on us and lick us at those times and make us better.

Ours was a stray we were feeding for 8 months before adopting. Vet aged her at approx 5 years old, but she was spayed and clearly had been someone's pet before.

I just want to ask her where she came from

I can't understand how anyone could have abandoned you when you're the sweetest, best natured cat in the world. We're so lucky to have you.

But can you for the love of god just leave your leg alone. If you leave it alone it'll get better I promise you!

How do you know when I have bought a multi-pack of the food you currently like so you can go off it?

I'd ask them how they perceive me.

1. Morning, pumpkin. You is mummy’s fudgesnuggle scrumptious cuddle whiffle mallow delight.
2. Mummy talking in silly voice for her special baby kitten. Dis ENGLISH.
3. Mummy got nerves in feet, spine and hands!! Dat is why Mummy scream when your cheeky little fang slips out in night.
4. What you want to make your day extra special. Mummy do it.
5. Mummy wug woo.

I want to know what your life was like before you came to us when you were a stray. I'd like to be able to tell you about holidays and when we are coming back. I would like to make you really believe that nothing bad will happen if the doorbell rings and that boxes and men are not dangerous. And I would like to explain that when I am cooking dinner, it's better if you sit beside me rather than on top of me because I absolutely will need to stand up regularly.

I'd take the opportunity to explain that no other cats can ever come through the cat flap, so he doesn't need to stare at it anxiously for hours on end.

But given that he's really not very bright, I suspect he still wouldn't take it in.

"Please stop bringing slugs inside - they are gross and freak me out."

She'd carry on doing it anyway though as she gives zero fucks.

I MUST know: where are you pooing?!

You went from having to be a totally-indoor boy in your previous home to roaming to your heart's content here, and I'm delighted for you. But I'm mystified that the cat litter now stands unused, and live in fear that furious neighbour is going to come round one day and tell me their flower beds are full of buried treasure...

To Haribo aged 5
Why do you sit on the kitchen table when you know you shouldn't?

Despite living in the same place since you were a kitten why do you look at our nice neighbours with suspicion and fear? They haven't done anything to you and think you are lovely and funny to watch going about your day.

Why do you enjoy rolling around in earth and dusty gravel making your white fur dirty?

When you were trapped in a shed for 3 nights did you think you'd never be found because I have flashbacks of the worst case scenario and it makes me cry every time I think of it, like now.

Please stop sitting on the induction hob. And drinking out of the toilet.

And it’s in your own interests not to lie down on the stairs when I’m descending them, because you need me alive and well to buy Dreamies.

With apologies to the OP of the weird happenings in my house thread!

Was it you who took the milk out of the fridge and didn’t put it back?
was it you who left bloody marks all over my cistern?
Tell the truth- Mummy won’t be angry!

Well to the cats I know

Why are boxes and random bits of junk the most fascinating things in the world?

And what would you like to reply to humans when we all talk to you like we are the crazy ones?

I love you to the ends of all the worlds but seriously WHY???

So many things I just want to know why, I'm sure they will all queue up to tell me politely and not all yell at the same time too.

Why do you prefer Dh to me when he only tolerates you because l love you so much?

• Things can live in Nature. You don't have to kill everything that moves.

• You're not starving to death you fat bastard. Stop screaming.

• if I step on you because you went under my foot that's your fault not mine.

• Are you aware that you are the best cat and I couldn't love you more?

🎵where do you go to my lovely ?🎵

Can't wait for the future when they'll have tiny tracking chips for cats so I can see exactly where they go!

Why do you love the smell of bleach so much?
Why do you whine to be let out a bazillion times a day, then hiss at whoever has kindly opened the door for you on your way out?
Please be kinder to the dog. She's really lovely & you could be such good friends if you were a bit nicer.
Love you you little grumpy old lady 🐾

I would like to ask Finlay what on earth he gets up to when he doesn’t come home for 20+ hours
Why he goes so far to hunt involving crossing 2 main roads
I know no one else is feeding him as he comes home starving and his tracker usually shows him in a field or wood somewhere

Re bleach, it apparently smells like cat wee.

Me - I love you my little lion but I really don't want any more gifts.

Him - feed me now. It's been weeks since I had food. (Usually minutes)

Him - surely it is tea time? (1 hour before actual teatime)

I made the mistake of reading the dreamies packet to see how many a cat should have a day. Our cat has way more, but she is about 19 or 20 and frankly can have what she wants now!

@Clingfilm
Not tiny but we have a Tractive cat mini and I know exactly where Finlay goes - it’s fascinating!
One day last week he went to the village library and health centre, visited garden of a local nursing home and did a circuit of the graveyard before coming home via the WI hut, with lots of fields in between