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Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

985 replies

Helplessandheartbroke · 03/01/2024 18:40

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

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Helplessandheartbroke · 26/02/2024 20:23

@Greenpiggy yes there is and you did it! Thank you for responding and sharing! Same here. The day he died he was going to have his Xmas bath and ears cleaned which I knew needed doing! We usually got him in the groomers a couple of times a year and always before Xmas but decided to do it ourselves this time so we could put the Epsom salts in his bath! Hindsight ey.... thank you for that xx

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Greenpiggy · 26/02/2024 20:29

Our wee one was the biggest soap dodger around. He would start panicking and after a bath would sometimes get sick and dramatic so he wasn’t the most pleasant of smelling. But they were happy. Frito paws and all so don’t feel guilty and Winston would have let you know of the cysts were painful so epsom salts would probably not make too much difference, just sting him. I hope you can try and relax tonight a little. X

Helplessandheartbroke · 26/02/2024 20:34

@Greenpiggy you're right! Thank you. They probably would have stung. One time i tried to clean them with wipes he kept pulling his paw away so I left it to dh to do. He limped once when we were on holiday and my brother said he was fine the next day so prob slept funny... no sign of pain before or after this one episode. Vet said at 7 stone if they hurt he would have been limping constantly as too much weight to put on sore feet.

Bless your little one being sick! Don't blame you for not bathing him that's not fun for either of you.

It's helped chatting again tonight. Thank you. I hope you're doing ok xx

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Zandra123 · 26/02/2024 22:13

Hello everyone, and a warm welcome to the new people, sorry you need to join for such a sad reason. It really does help to talk about our pets with people who get it.

@Helplessandheartbroke I started crying at a neighbour telling her what happened. I'd got out the car and knew the house was empty and felt so sad, she didn't know what to do with me sobbing, tried to hug me but we don't really know each other, I felt a bit daft. But there no control is there, it's what it is.

I bought a box from ikea and it's got a section with little compartment in it, his collar fits in one perfectly, then I've put his registration papers and cremation card, his lead and harness and a three favourite toys, they all fit just right. Next is to choose some favourite photos to get printed along with a couple of bigger ones to frame.

I just miss him so much, a month on and it's still so painful it hurts, but he was my life, my best boy , wasn't going to be easy.

One day at a time, keep doing our best, they were so lucky to be loved so much.

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 02:02

@Zandra123 sorry to hear this. You're right it is what it is. I cried in tesco a few weeks back as I had to go down the pet Isle as its shares an Isle with the laundry things...

I was looking at memory boxes but I'm thinking about just having his collar and ashes on a shelf on my new built in wardrobes...

How your ds now? X

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randgirl · 27/02/2024 04:51

Can I join?

I am still going through the thread, but will post in the meantime.

Lost my beloved girl dog over the weekend. I am not sure if it's the grief or the shock that had hit the most. As she was not ill (that we knew of). In the morning she was struggling to walk, and she just deteriorated over the space of an hour. I got her to the vet and she just died a few minutes after we got her there. Just like that. I didn't have time to prepare for this, it was just so sudden.

They said she was bleeding internally and we could still go ahead with the scans / xrays to see why, but she looked so peaceful, I just didn't want to put her through anything more, than one hour was quite traumatic. So it's the just not knowing bit as well.

My other dog is so quiet, do you think he knows? I'm not sure if he's pining yet but he is just quiet.

I am glad to have found you, as I tried to carry on my day as normal yesterday if anyone asked how are you, I actually said not so good my ddog passed. And so many people don't get it. One person said 'that sucks'. I think that upset me even more, rather say nothing imo.
I can see here that you do understand though.

I am sorry to everyone who has/is going through this grief.

randgirl · 27/02/2024 04:59

Oh I also meant to say, so many people said to me, just get another dog! I think I can't be out talking to people at the moment as they seem to be upsetting me more. I couldnt even consider this right now. Why do people think this helps.

randgirl · 27/02/2024 07:00

@Zandra123 I just saw your post of the rainbows. How beautiful.

I was not sure about seeing signs of those who had passed, until I lost my db, and since he passed, I really believe I see signs. I find white feathers all the time now, in very random places. Like at Christmas time when I opened up my tree to put up, inside was a white feather, how would that have got there I have no idea as it was packed away. So I accepted it as a sign.

Then on Saturday just a few hours after my beautiful girl crossed over, my ds and I were sitting with our feet in the pool. She would spend a lot of time standing on the step of the pool, and her foot prints of mud were still on the step. And then suddenly, a whole bunch of white feathers in a group just came floating over, right up to us on the step. So yes, I absolutely 100% believe that this was her sending us a sign.

I don't have her ashes as yet, but I am not sure how I am going to hold it together when I collect her to bring her home. Our vet lights a candle the moment any animal passes, and her candle was lit for her on Saturday. And they will light a candle for her again when I go to collect her. You can see the candle before you go into the glass door, and I just know, when I see it, that I am going to not be able to hold it together.

Do your vets do this with the candle? It is always there, not always lit thank goodness. There is a sign next to the candle saying that when the candle is lit, for other people to please be aware that someone is/ has just lost their pet and could they ask people waiting to be respectful of that. Everyone knew it was me, a few people I have no idea who they are, gave me a hug. Some just nodded their head, as a sign they understand.

If I ever go to the vet (I have another ddog who is on long term meds so I am there often), and I see the candle lit, I automatically just have a knot in my stomach. I do not even know the pet or their owners, but I feel their loss for them too.

I feel like I have just typed and typed this morning, thank you for the space for me to be able to do this.

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 07:33

@randgirl hello and welcome to the thread. Sorry were meeting under these circumstances. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your girl. Do you want to tell us a bit about her?

She is 100 percent with you! I also saw a strange rainbow 3 days after my boy passed and I know it was him.

I'm glad you've found us, we all know what it's like to Lose a beloved friend. Keep talking whenever you need to xx

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randgirl · 27/02/2024 08:42

Thank you @Helplessandheartbroke. It is such a pity we all find ourselves in similar situations, but it also great to speak to people who are feeling similar.

My girl, she was 9, didn't quite make it to her birthday in April. She was sleek and fit, was the quickest dog I have ever had. Super rodent catcher. She made it her mission to find that rodent whenever she sensed one. She would also tell me there was one about, and if she did catch it, she would never maim it, just did what she needed to, then always left it by the door for me to see.

We have some very big birds that come into our garden, this was her next mission, to see them off daily. This was her turf and they were seemingly not welcome to look for worms here.

She was also a little bit grumpy at times. If she was not happy with me for any reason, she would sure let me know. Things that would not make her happy was if I had gone somewhere else and they had a dog, I would get the sniff down when I got home, and depending on what news she got, she may not talk to me for the rest of the day. She would make it very clear she did not approve as she would come near me, but sit with her back to me. She was a Ridgeback so she would just show off her ridge. She didn't like thunder or lightning at all, would go and bark at it, and then be all cross with me for allowing the thunder. We get some super storms here, so I saw the ridge a fair few times for that reason. She really disliked going to the kennels too, when we got back from holidays, she would not talk to me for a good few days. Then when it was all okay again, she would just put her head on me so that I could tickle and stroke her, and we all knew things were okay again after that.

She was also the most gentle girl. Everyone who met her who say this. Never in 9 years did she once snatch anything, never ever showed any form of aggression ever. Except she didn't like the bin lorry. She would starting barking before we knew it was on the way. So we knew to get bins out if we had been behind schedule, and that we had some advance notice.

In hindsight now, I see that she had become a lot quieter in the past few months. She had not given me the cold shoulder in a while, and would lie with me every minute she got the chance to. So, perhaps she knew. She become grey quite fast, but we didn't think too much of it, seeing as she was getting a bit older anyway. We spent her last day together for the entire day. I was due to go out and do some errands, but I chose not to and that I would do them this week instead. How I now look back at that decision and see that I went with my gut. I just didn't want to leave her, and now I see how its good to go with what you feel.

Again, I am sobbing typing this, I do have to go out and get some things done, but I fear I will just burst into tears at the smallest thing.

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 09:47

@randgirl she sounds such a character bless her!

Are you not in the UK?

I'm sorry you're struggling, it's so raw for you at the minute. Take time to grieve. Do you have RL support? X

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randgirl · 27/02/2024 10:13

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 09:47

@randgirl she sounds such a character bless her!

Are you not in the UK?

I'm sorry you're struggling, it's so raw for you at the minute. Take time to grieve. Do you have RL support? X

No we are southern hemisphere folk, so our seasons are opposite. I just see now when I said about being in the pool that may sound a bit odd...

My ds is at home with me, he is just as devastated.

I actually feel I can take a big breathe this morning, and I am sure that is because I have been able to let things out here.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I do hope that you are managing okay with your knee being fractured, you sound the most amazingly strong and positive person.

@Ineedwinenow I also hope you are finding things just a little bit easier.

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 10:45

I did wonder about the pool :) I'm glad ds is with you so you can support one another. It's really the worst time of my life.

Cecil has been a life line for me! A lot of the ladies on here have been.

I'm glad you found the thread and it can help. I'm going to do a new one when this one is full. I hope you'll all join me x

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PumpingRSI · 27/02/2024 18:15

Thanks for the support from everyone. I'm feeling a bit better today, and less questioning of all the things I could have done or wished for. Now I just miss my little boy and keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye.

I watched a Ted Talk earlier that was called Pet Loss Grief and it really helped me out into words what I was feeling and why I felt such a strong attachment and love and validated my big feelings. Worth a Google to all of you that are struggling.

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 18:46

@PumpingRSI always here for a hand hold! Glad you're feeling a little better. Your boy is still with you I believe that truly.

I've been having a rough couple of days but @Greenpiggy really helped me last night so thank you. The guilt can eat you up can't it x

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Greenpiggy · 27/02/2024 20:02

@Helplessandheartbroke it is helpful to support one another, I think people lose interest and sympathy very quickly, even with human bereavement. I even feel it at home already, I think my DP can’t understand my overanalyzing and ruminating. It must be great to just be able to switch off feelings. I have a busy day tomorrow at work and I’m dreading how I am going to focus but I really have appreciated the kind words and support here.
I hope today has been an ok one for you x

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 20:21

@Greenpiggy I hear you! While I was having a breakdown and struggling to get out of bed, dh was at work the next day. I think men are more pragmatic in general as its partly due to them not having the motherly instinct imo.

I'm exhausted today I turned the TV off at 9pm last night as I was mentally drained but ds was up 2am until 5am! I always feel shit on days I've had a bad nights sleep.

How are you? Thank you honestly for last night. Your loss is still so raw but you really helped me x

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Greenpiggy · 27/02/2024 21:10

@Helplessandheartbroke men really do process things differently and I overthink to no end. I hope tonight you get a better rest, my sleep pattern has been dreadful so I am in bed already tonight to try and sleep some of the stress and sadness away. It’s a terrible coping mechanism of mine to try and shut it out but for now it is needed. I am here anytime ❤️ ps I don’t know how you manage to juggle it all so well done you! Xx

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/02/2024 21:16

@Greenpiggy I'm in bed for 8pm every night lol with Netflix on and tonight a glass of wine too (much needed). You do feel better after a good sleep. The first couple of weeks after losing our boy I kept dreaming about him (not good dreams quite distressing) so nights were as bad as the days for me. No coping mechanism is bad if it does indeed help cope. I'm here for you too lovely. Try and rest and ill catch up with you tomorrow x

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CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 28/02/2024 02:36

@Helplessandheartbroke and all fellow grief-stricken people. Sending some love. Unfortunately the awful thing is that it takes as long as it takes. Please be gentle with yourselves while it lasts?

Helplessandheartbroke · 28/02/2024 07:38

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau how are you? I've pm'd you x

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Ineedwinenow · 28/02/2024 09:02

Thank you for checking In with me, I’m still crying periodically ! It’s been over a month and it’s not getting any easier, I think with everything else that’s currently happening in my life as well as losing my little girl I’m emotionally wrung out. I’m not feeling any better over her death and I’m not moving on with my life, everyday is like Groundhog Day and I’m just getting through days hour by hour until I can finally go to bed

Helplessandheartbroke · 28/02/2024 09:11

@Ineedwinenow so losing ddog was the final straw for me with other things I had going on so I reached out to my gp for meds and therapy. Have you considered this? It took 6 weeks for me to not cry every day but I did see some improvements x

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Helplessandheartbroke · 28/02/2024 18:42

How is everyone tonight? X

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Greenpiggy · 28/02/2024 21:16

@Helplessandheartbroke doing ok today thanks, been so busy with work so that’s probably a positive. Just only really sat down. Had my return to work today with my boss, she didn’t appear to sympathetic but hey ho. How are you? X