DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

I didn’t say that the dog is better than the cat at all. Just that I personally would not live with a partner if my pet was a dealbreaker, and this is actually quite common.

Indeed the OPs DH is suggesting that he move out with the cat if things don’t work out. And OP has stated that it would be a nightmare because they have just bought together. People are stating that rehoming the dog is the only option, but my point is there are lots of people (the OPs DH included) who would walk away from living with a particular partner before giving up their pet, whether it is a cat or a dog.

Weird replies, dogs seem to bring out the worst in ppl.

It does sound like you're trying, OP. It's worth bearing in mind that these things can take quite a while & you've several things going on at once that have built-in settling periods.

The cat moved house.
A dog is introduced to the new space.
The dog is a young rescue who's history is unknown & breed vague.
The dog is neutered very young (no judgement but that was bad advice)

Things to remember -

The dog can get the cat, if he wanted to it would be dead already. Doesn't make it OK but it's important.

He's 10 months old - they regress & appear to have forgotten things they already know.

He's a terrier mix of some sort - so very high prey drive & willful. Worth looking for advice on training a Jack Russell with cats. It will be more specific & even if he's not JR the advice will likely be the most useful cos they are belligerent little shits with small things.

This needs time & perseverance!

Absolutely enforce the no-jumping over the baby gate. Get a taller one so it's a new set of rules & he must never be allowed to jump it. Really really work on that. Work on getting the cat to stay still/slow around him when he's gated with high value cat treats. The cat running is absolutely the trigger, some dogs just cannot resist & you're in a loop of that happening.

Have you got a floor to ceiling car tree with a bed at the top? If not, get one.

I'll say it again - this needs more time. You're expecting a lot to happen in a few months that has a lot of change in it & you can't brush it off as 'just natural behaviour' & leave it at that. He hasn't killed the cat so absolutely can be trained out of it. As you say - this is new behaviour.

It must be driving you both mad & be upsetting for your boyf, really traumatic for the cat & stressful for the dog.

Obviously this is a shit situation to be in but things obviously can't continue as they are.

It sounds like youre DP is a very responsible pet owner , if I was in his situation I would be moving out too if things didn't change.

That said it does sound like you're trying to be responsible now and I agree that getting rid of the dog now he's here and settled would not be kind. You need to do all you can to make sure the cat and the dog are never together. With a terrier breed especially its prey drive is unlikely to improve.

If things can't change then unfortunately it sounds like the two of you would not be able to continue sharing a home.

Sounds like you should split up now then with partner

Dog is no 1. All you have ever wanted

Still need to train it though

Poor poor cat being terrorised in own home

Stays in bedroom 95%

Doesn't go out in the garden 🥲

You need to train the dog it’s perfectly possible. Hard work and homey

Thank you I’ve found my way to the dog section and have posted there. I genuinely didn’t know it was a thing! Tbh I only ever used Mumsnet AIBU as I’m not a parent and only ever came across it from this section

You need to get a behaviourist involved. Puppy Traing classes probably would help, might teach you something too.

It’s neither ignorant, nor rubbish. It doesn’t have to be a ‘designer dog’ for an owner to need to know the breed, or at least

Many mutts aren't just some 50/50 split where mum was a Border Collie and dad was a Labrador or whatever. It could well be that the mum was also a mutt, and the dad was a mutt, going back how far!? so therefore this dog could be a mix of 4 or 6 or 8 various different breeds. That's what real mutts are, they aren't simple a combination of 2 breeds such as a cockapoo.

I don’t really understand why people think I’ve not done training classes. I also haven’t only just taught leave it. They are basic things you teach from day one, you are right and as I’ve said, he does them all perfectly fine with food and bicycles and whatever else, just not with the cat… so my point was, I’ve been trying to work on it with regards to the cat!! He’s genuinely a pretty well trained dog… as much as you think I’m incapable and shouldn’t own any pets and I’m not cut out for a dog etc etc you literally have no idea. Yes he’s bad with the cat but how can you judge literally everything on just that? I find it strange.

I think part of the problem is that the cat and dog are kept separate, so when the dog DOES see the cat it is very excitable and the chasing starts, and you’ve also created a domain for the dog that he thinks he is in control of and doesn’t like the cat encroaching on, you’ll never teach the dog this way.. you need to teach him what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, if you have to use a lead during that process then so be it, the cat should be free, the dog should be restrained until he learns what is expected of him.

a lot of new dog owners have this problem, in that you let them do whatever they want and ‘don’t see what you can do about it’ , that’s why there’s SO many badly behaved dogs around, you may have also inadvertently taught him he needs to protect you from the cat.

the dog needs to learn that he isn’t above the cat, or you, so read about dominance and how you make yourself top of the pack, he has to listen to you and this is part of it.

I think lead training him so you can control how he reacts to the cat would be a good place to start, with a quick tug and a strong command if he starts to react, plenty of praise when he is calm in the cats presence, eventually you won’t need the lead. While he is hurting the cat he shouldn’t have free reign to do as he pleases, you need to be on top of it ALL THE TIME, it is doable to train him and for them to live together, it takes time and effort though, which a lot of people can’t be arsed with.

You are minimizing what's going on, it's both of your responsibilities to protect the pets you have. It can take time for animals to learn. and the dog is still young But I do not see why they are allowed to be in a position where the dog can chase the cat, if they are in the same room why not crate the dog? The situation is resolvable with some compromise from both of you. The cat and dog may never be 100 percent around each other but even then there are solutions without the need to rehome. But it is you and your DP's responsibility to keep them both safe. They are both there now so it's a matter of trying to care for them both fairly.

A crate, lots of exercise and interaction would seem to be the way forward. And more training.

To be fair to the OP that's not how that works. There are many rescues here in the UK that specialise in rehoming dogs from abroad. She could have just gone to any of those like any other UK rescue. These charities are UK based and have as much stringent criteria as any other UK rescue.

Sorry, I only got to page 10 so I’m not sure if this has been mentioned, but if you already have a space in the house where the cat, and not the dog, is allowed (sounds like upstairs/your bedroom) then I’d make that the place where you feed the cat so there’s never a need to encounter the dog unless the cat actively chooses to, rather than it having to run the gauntlet of the dog to get something to eat in the kitchen.

I have a cat and a dog who get along (they’re not at the point of sleeping side by side but neither pays much attention to the other) and I think what really helped (the cat came first) was offering the cat a place where he had everything he needed and could be confident the dog would never enter. For us, that’s the spare bedroom with the door wedged open and a baby gate. His food is on raised platform and his litter box at the opposite side of the room. It’s not a huge room but it’s absolutely his safe space.

I’m the cat person and my partner the dog lover, but I don’t think the cat is made unhappy by the arrangement. He goes into his room to eat,
toilet and sleep, and wanders around the rest of the time when he feels comfortable/we aren’t playing giddy games with the dog. As they’ve spent longer together over the years, he’s out more and more, but I think he now sees it as a cosy space.

While you’re working on training the dog, and it sounds like you are, I’d concentrate on making it so the cat never ever has to be around it, unless he chooses to. Once you’re more confident in your control over the dogs prey drive (as you say, birds etc. are also an issue so it’s not the cat or no gauge) then you can go from there.

You are minimizing what's going on, it's both of your responsibilities to protect the pets you have. It can take time for animals to learn. and the dog is still young But I do not see why they are allowed to be in a position where the dog can chase the cat, if they are in the same room why not crate the dog? The situation is resolvable with some compromise from both of you. The cat and dog may never be 100 percent around each other but even then there are solutions without the need to rehome. But it is you and your DP's responsibility to keep them both safe. They are both there now so it's a matter of trying to care for them both fairly.

A crate for short bursts, definitely a lead, lots of exercise and interaction would seem to be the way forward. And more training. But do not let them be in a situation where the dog can hurt the cat. It's not fair on either and could lead to really bad consequences. This is solvable I think but requires commitment from both of you.

"Just natural behaviour and nothing more I can do" says it all tbh, completely irresponsible, clueless owner jumping on the dog bandwagon.

Either get some serious training advice, immediately, or rehome the dog. If you rescued through a responsible rescue - unlikely, given your post, but we can but hope - they should have full rescue back up. They, unfortunately, see it all the time and will rehome to a suitable home willing to train the dog.

Poor cat.

This.

@LostitwithMax I am completely on your husband's side.
The dog should most definitely be controlled, and not allowed to ''grab'' a cat.

I have a classically ''Prey driven''sighthound breed, but it is absolutely possible to train them to leave cats alone and respect them.

If you can't train the dog {sounds like you can't} then re-home it or move out.
At the very least get baby gates to separate the untrained dog from the poor cat.

FAR too many people have dogs and are importing them from non selective 'rescues' without a clue as to how to train them, and basically letting the dog hurt other pets, which is not on.

How is he when he's chasing the cat is it full on attack or coke play with me? 10 months is the right age for rough puppy play. I would create a safe space for the cat upstairs for now and reintroduce them gradually so you holding the cat sit with the dog coming up and go from there.

Personally I would rehome the cat, is he allowed out? Chances are if he wasn't happy at home he would rehome himself anyway

I thought I would be on your side before I read further, but I feel really sorry for this poor cat who seems to have been having a lovely life until the dog came along. Of course your partner feels this way, he loves his cat and is watching it being traumatised every day. It's partly his fault for agreeing to get a dog in the first place - it's always a risk introducing a new animal and something I wouldn't personally do. But you have the dog now and it's not the dog's fault either - you will have to work together to try to make things better. Professional training, perhaps? Allowing the dog only in certain areas of the house?

Hi OP. Sorry your having a hard time.

A few ideas if you haven't tried already:

• a dog section of the house (e.g kitchen and lounge) and a cat section (e.g upstairs) and keep doors shut.
• getting in a dog behaviour specialist to help with training - sounds like you're trying your best with training on your own.

I don't think you're being unreasonable though. He agreed to get the dog so it's his too. Cats and dogs are known to not always mix well so surely he knew this was a possibility.

If this behaviour has only been going on a month I think it is too soon to give up on either animals and would double down on some intensive training. I think it's reasonable for the dog to be on a lead when the cats in the same room but otherwise just keep them separate with door shut. Good luck!

I'm not noted for my sentimentality about animals, but I do feel rather sorry for this cat. It seems to have a miserable life. Even if it's 'only' being bullied by a larger animal twice a day, how can it ever relax or feel safe?

Why should the existing cat be rehoused because the owner can't train her dog?
the dog sounds like a complete liability if it's grabbing at the cat.

I bet it jumps up and has 101 other annoying habits that come with being completely untrained.

Crazy. Get rid of the bloody dog.

I'm very much a cat person who also loves dogs! The dog is only 10 months old and still a puppy, so I'm pretty sure this is just a phase he will grow out of, so don't be too disheartened. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to train the pup and it will eventually sink in, as long as you are consistent and reward the times he leaves the cat alone. Does the dog get lots of walks to tire him out? Although, at 10 months he most likely has boundless energy!!

Just remember you made a commitment to love and care for these animals and you should try to do right by both of them.

It must be really upsetting for you both, seeing your beloved pets not getting on, but don't let this issue with your pets become some kind of power struggle between you and your partner. If you can't solve this problem between the cat and dog, how will you cope if you ever decide to have children?

There's an epidemic of unwanted dogs in the UK and Ireland at the moment, rescues and shelters full to bursting, why the f are we importing even more from abroad. Total madness.

To the OP.. @MiddleagedBeachbum is right !

Sorry your excuse is crap! This is so easy to fix too!

keep dog on a long lead indoors and then train it not to chase cat, I had to do this with our Doberman pup with our cats - all part of dog and cat owning.

no wonder dp is furious with your response, ffs - train the dog!

Train the dog OP I am saying this as a person who has dogs and a cat who sleeps with them in their bed.