DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

Sort out the house so the cat and the dog have separate areas, and work on training your dog to recall around distractions.

Overseas shelters prey on people’s emotions it’s a lot of ‘puppies last chance in the kill shelter! Need adopting urgently!’ And begging for donations to buy food etc for the dogs

It sounds like you're just making a lot of excuses about the dogs 'natural behaviour' and there's 'nothing more you can do'.

Honestly makes me think you're not fit to keep a dog.

I adopted a two year old dog that was supposed to be cat friendly and the first thing it did was grab and shake my cat. I was horrified. After that I made sure it never happened again and put an immense amount of money time and effort into training him and after 6 months he never went for a cat ever again after that. 10 years I've had him and there's not been another incident where's he's been aggressive to anything since. Once the cat forgave him (which took a bit longer than 6 months) she could pounce on him, nibble his ears and chase his tail and he wouldn't even react. As a dog owner, I am responsible for making sure he doesn't harm another animal or person.

If you think there's nothing more you're capable of doing to train this dog, then you don't deserve to have a dog.

DH is right. You need to keep the dog fully under control and separate from the cat, until it is really well trained. If you can't train it (and not all dogs are able to live with cats), then you need to either re-home the dog or move out.

If you don't take this situation seriously, then the cat could end up being seriously injured or even killed.

I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really...

This is just staggering. This has been going on for just a few weeks, it has already escalated from chasing the cat to taking chunks out of it, but “there’s nothing more you can do really”?

When (not if) your dog kills this cat, I would hope you might feel some remorse, but it’s pretty clear you don’t actually give a shit, or you’d put some fucking effort into preventing it.

This - it's do-able.

The dog will learn that if he leaves the cat alone, he will get more freedom. (1). Contact a GOOD dog behaviourist - I say GOOD because there are a lot of useless charlatans out there - get one with really good reviews, and make sure they are prepared to come to your home to see the dog. Seeing them in their clinic is no good.

If your dog isn't neutered, get him/her neutered now.

Is your dog left alone most of the day? If so, he/she is bored witless and is using the cat to relieve that awful boredom. He is playing - but that doesn't mean that he couldn't badly hurt, or even kill the cat because HE IS A PUPPY AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO RESTRAIN HIMSELF. (2) You have to teach him this, but you also need to keep him well exercised and mentally stimulated so that he fits it easier to keep calm next to the cat.

Shouting at the dog will further over-excite him, or frighten him, depending on his temperament. Keep calm. A firm "No" and them put him into an indoor kennel (3)/ another room for five minutes every time he tries to chase - he'll soon learn that chasing means he is deprived of your company.

Lots of dogs from abroad have huge problems. Most have lived on the streets and had to fight for every mouthful of food. They've learned to be wary of people because they usually get kicked, or stones thrown at them. They usually have had an horrific journey - often for three/ four days overland, then a sea journey, then another day overland, trapped in a dark airless van with maybe 20 other panicking, terrified dogs - all of which are defecating, urinating, vomiting - perhaps not much food or water (4). Unsurprisingly they can take a while to settle - and once settled, just like difficult children, when they begin to get their confidence they test the limits of what they're allowed to do.

Your dogs still young. With patience and training he has a good chance of setting - but you MUST protect the poor cat, especially as she has regarded the dog as her friend up until now, and won't know what's hit her!

Wishing you luck, because I, too, can't part with an animal once I've taken responsibility for it (and fallen in love with it).

(1). Most probably. Some dogs, usually terrier types, never learn to control that strong prey drive (Patterdales in particular are absolute buggers, IME, and some yorkies can be, too)

(2) Puppies in a litter are very rough with each other, but when one yelps, the other will stop nipping. Cats have different body language - and they don't yelp. The actions the cat takes (fleeing, spitting, lashing out with claws) are interpreted by the dog as an invitation to continue playing. And dogs love to chase - the cat runs away, the dog thinks she's saying "Chase me! This is fun!" The dog could easily hurt the cat - and the cat could easily blind the dog, and will if that's her only choice.

(3) If you haven't got one, get one. Normally I wouldn't recommend using it for "punishment" because it should be the dog's private space where he can come and go, but if you aren't there to supervise, or if you need him out of the way for a very short time, it's ideal. He will learn to associate it with being calm.

(4) I'm not trying to criticise the drivers etc - I think they do their very best, but it is impossible to keep animals properly clean in those conditions - for = upset bowels, plus water will get spilled, many will be too terrified to eat, or will vomit any food back up.

I am sure you have got the message by now OP, but this is a very dangerous situation for the cat. You MUST keep the cat safe while the dog cannot be trusted.

My neighbour's small dog chased my cat right up to my door (I was there and saw it all). He caught her, grabbed her and shook her - like he shakes his toys. He wasn't aggressive, he was 'playing'.

He fractured her spine. We thought we were going to have to have her PTS. Fortunately she eventually recovered, but it took several months of painful recovery for her to regain the use of one of her hind legs.

I’m more of a dog person but I absolutely would not allow a cat to be chased and bullied by a dog.
This is absolutely about training and if you can’t afford a trainer then ask the rescue for help.
YABU

I wish people would stop adopting from abroad when we have 7 day kill centres in the UK. Met a lady with a very sweet cockerpoo which at 8 months was going to be put down. People don't realise we do it over here but we do and if no normal rescues have a place, they kill them.
Anyway, OP had every reason to believe it would get on with the cat as it was doing so as a puppy. And some dogs, if part terrier or lurcher for example, do have a high prey drive. That said, try a very good trainer op before chucking the partner and house or rehoming.

You might "genuinely" want it, but you also came on a board asking AIBU for "if one side has to be unhappy then that should be DP and his cat" and then act surprised when people tell you YABU? Forgetting the animals for a moment, you've moved in with your partner, he told you he loves his cat, you got a dog, when your dog attacked his cat and he's got upset you've said he is being unreasonable. I think he needs to LTB

for = upset bowels,

Should read
FEAR = upset bowels

I wouldn't care, I edited for a couple of other auto carrots, but missed that one

This x 100.

What kind of fucked up world are we living in when people can adopt random beasts, which then become more important than their life partners?

I love my pets, but if it was ever a choice between the furries or my human family, I'd rehome the pets in a heartbeat.

You need input from a trainer/behaviourist, but bear in mind that the trainer is there to teach you, and as long as you're consistent and take the advice, things can improve. House leads and crates are not the way to go as barriers will not change your dogs behaviour.
It can be done, but it takes time and effort. I understand totally where your DP is coming from as his cat is scared in their own home which isn't ok either.
The rescue will likely have links to good behaviourists who will be able to help you.
I know you say you don't know the breed but people aren't picking at you asking this. Some breeds have higher prey drives than others- I have huskies, and I couldn't have a cat or a small furrie in my home because it wouldn't be fair on them.

What kind of rescue centre lets a first time dog owner with a cat adopt a ‘terrier mix’ puppy?

These places should be banned.

You have had advice, some good some less so. You have heard anecdotes about other peoples animals. However I get that feeling of doom. Nothing can make things work. It is not you it is circumstances.
Your home will have gates, a dog crate, leads and harness for the dog. A safe haven for the cat somewhere. That will not be a pleasant cozy home to relax in will it?

In your case I think that you should abandon ideas of a dog for about 2 years. build the relationship with DP. Re-group then re-assess. Get rid of this one as best you can, as soon as you can for the sake of the cat and DP, probably PTS.

“Getting rid” without first investing in some proper, professionally led training, would be really lazy. The OP is invested in the dog, even if other posters can’t understand why some people would prioritise an animal over a relationship. People have different priorities, there’s no right way to live your life.

Is the dog ever going to be safe off the lead if it already attacks cats?

Exactly! I would be furious if I was the partner and she suggested getting rid of my cat who had been there way longer. Stupid post @sleepyscientist

It's not lazy when another animals' life is quite literally at stake here. It takes seconds for a dog to kill a cat and this dog is already biting and ripping fur out.

Agree with this. The more I think about it I’m actually horrified by this thread. So sad…poor little cat 😔

OP is unbelievably entitled.

Train your bloody dog properly!

Do you really think you have no responsibility there?

Do you really think the dog attacking the cat is just one of those things?

So she should just stand by and let the cat be mauled to death?

I don't think this is a fair comment. I've been on mumsnet for a long time, and I find that the pro-dog and pro-cat lovers are pretty evenly split on AIBU.

I love cats (can't have them bc of allergies), and I really don't like dogs. But if the OP came here and gave the reverse scenario (a newly arrived cat was causing stress and unhappiness in the resident dog), I would 100% agree that rehoming the cat was the best option.

I think ppl are choosing the cat bc it was there first. I don't see it at all as being bc AIBU is overwhelmingly pro-cat.

I disagree with the comment that rescues here are too strict I’m pleased they are strict it’s separates the serious owners from the ones who cannot provide what they need.

my first thought is the dog coming from abroad, you know nothing about him, his breed, parents, temperament or anything. You’ll need to control and sort this or live separately that’s your only choices

I disagree with the comment that rescues here are too strict I’m pleased they are strict it’s separates the serious owners from the ones who cannot provide what they need
Some are reasonable but others are ridiculous.

How many households out there have a detached house, set back a certain amount from a road, huge back garden, no other pets, no children, no children likely to be on the scene, no visiting grandchildren, someone at home all day every day and any other criteria that's far in excess of what's needed?

I understand if individual dogs have certain requirements, but having read a lot of threads on here it sounds like some rescue places only want a very small niche group of people, which isn't helping find dogs loving homes.