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Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

462 replies

MimPimMim · 22/01/2021 00:06

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

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MimPimMim · 25/01/2021 21:19

Thank you all - this is such of a hard time, the hardest of times really, and your kind words mean so much. I am repeating them to myself and my husband to try to get us through these first few days. It is so very hard. My husband told me that he had filled up our boy’s water bowl tonight as he couldn’t bear to think that he would visit us in the night and not have fresh water. My already broken heart shattered again at hearing that.

@PoleToPole Your memorial garden sounds beautiful - I think I would like to do something similar when we are ready. But not yet. I’m not ready to say goodbye just yet.

@ilovecardigans Thank you for continuing to check in. I appreciate it more than you can know. How are you doing today?

I had a long talk with my boy’s vet (not the emergency vet but his one we have seen for years and trust implicitly) tonight to talk through the night we lost him and his last few days. I asked a lot to the questions that have been playing over and over in my mind - telling her how guilty I feel that I wasn’t there at the end, how I didn’t make the most of his last few days, how I should have picked up on it sooner and spared him the way he went. As she talked me through it all, I asked questions about things that I didn’t know were upsetting me and I think it helped to talk. She said such kind things - I am going to write them down to read through them when I need to try to be kind to myself.

I have read that it can be helpful to start writing to your dog, as a way to process grief and talk to them even though they are gone. I am sitting on my bed, where he used to snuggle up with me every night, under one of his blankets and I am going to spend some time writing to him. I am by myself so I can spend some time just me and him. And when I am finished for tonight, I shall tell him that I love him and that I will talk to him again tomorrow. I miss him so much.

@Chesneyhawkes1 My thoughts are with you tonight Flowers

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MimPimMim · 25/01/2021 21:37

[quote Cleverpolly3]@MimPimMim
You will never be the same
You will always mourn him leaving you because he was such a special and loved part of your life. Made so many memories with you. In all the photographs and part of good and bad times.
I think you wrote you don’t want to put yourself back together again without him: the thing is you won’t really. It’s perfectly fine and true and right to accept and make peace with the fact there will always be a little paw shaped part that’s missing.
I still have my first dog’s puppy collar from twenty years ago. Still have my cats. Life does go on and at first it seems so wrong and cruel but one day you think of then with more of a smile than just tears.
You won’t be ready yet. I don’t know when it will happen. But you will know.
Right now though just let this wash over you. Grief for the passing of a truly beloved companion dog for all of a who’ve been there and face it again one day is both the price of love but also the proof of it.
In my darkest days and moments my nine year old dog has and does get me through things. My mum says her heart belongs to me. We are all privileged

You had and still have his heart. Dogs know and feel love in a way most humans never do. To have reciprocated that and given him reason to trust and bond with you his whole life is something you should always cherish. Him passing doesn’t take that away.

Hope this helps in some small way as I know the pain is overwhelming ❤️[/quote]
Thank you ❤️ The depth of my pain really does reflect how deeply I love him. His heart will be forever intertwined with mine. Getting through the days at the moment is so hard - I long to see his little face, hear him scampering around, stroke his warm body, scratch his ears, tell him I love him. I feel like I am constantly waiting and the cruellest part is that I think I am waiting for him. My hearts breaks for us and for my boy - all he ever wanted was to be with us and now he’s not. The vet tonight said his last fully aware moments will have been of me cuddling him and then the treat (his favourite) that I gave to him before he collapsed. I hope with every ounce of my being that that means in his last hour that he knew he was loved and safe and cared for. We would have done anything for him. We still would.

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Chesneyhawkes1 · 25/01/2021 22:00

@MimPimMim thank you so much for thinking of me when you are going through so much pain yourself.

My little man is still in the vets. Won't eat. He had a liver biopsy today. They are starting new IV antibiotics this evening. He's 14 so it will be tough for him to fight - but he's a jack russell, so he's a little fighter.

I'm lost without him here. Don't know what to do with myself. Had a really good cry this evening and one of my other dogs was licking my tears away.

I know we have to accept they will leave when we get them - but it doesn't make it any easier does it. I dread loosing him and my other 2.

Make sure you take time to grieve. A lot of people won't understand it, they can't comprehend the love we have for our dogs. Don't let anyone tell you that your grief isn't real or valid.

I never cry - not at funerals, not even when I got told I had cancer myself last year. But tell me my dog is ill and I'm a mess 🤦‍♀️

It's still very early days for you and it's such a cliche, but time does help.

Thank you for your kind words too @ilovecardigans

PoleToPole · 25/01/2021 22:13

@MimPimMim, thank you, but it did take four months after he passed for us to feel able to create a garden for him. Give yourself time and as little pressure as possible x Flowers

@Chesneyhawkes1 sending thoughts to your and your lovely little chap, and hoping with all I can that he pulls through x Flowers

PoleToPole · 25/01/2021 22:16

And @MimPimMim he definitely will have known how much he was loved until the very end and beyond, never doubt that x Flowers

TheDogsMother · 25/01/2021 22:44

I am so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking and he sounds like the most wonderful boy. We lost our lovely boy in April and it is devastating. I know it seems impossible now but with time you will be able to think about him and smile about the memories.

ilovecardigans · 25/01/2021 22:56

@MimPimMim

Thank you all - this is such of a hard time, the hardest of times really, and your kind words mean so much. I am repeating them to myself and my husband to try to get us through these first few days. It is so very hard. My husband told me that he had filled up our boy’s water bowl tonight as he couldn’t bear to think that he would visit us in the night and not have fresh water. My already broken heart shattered again at hearing that.

@PoleToPole Your memorial garden sounds beautiful - I think I would like to do something similar when we are ready. But not yet. I’m not ready to say goodbye just yet.

@ilovecardigans Thank you for continuing to check in. I appreciate it more than you can know. How are you doing today?

I had a long talk with my boy’s vet (not the emergency vet but his one we have seen for years and trust implicitly) tonight to talk through the night we lost him and his last few days. I asked a lot to the questions that have been playing over and over in my mind - telling her how guilty I feel that I wasn’t there at the end, how I didn’t make the most of his last few days, how I should have picked up on it sooner and spared him the way he went. As she talked me through it all, I asked questions about things that I didn’t know were upsetting me and I think it helped to talk. She said such kind things - I am going to write them down to read through them when I need to try to be kind to myself.

I have read that it can be helpful to start writing to your dog, as a way to process grief and talk to them even though they are gone. I am sitting on my bed, where he used to snuggle up with me every night, under one of his blankets and I am going to spend some time writing to him. I am by myself so I can spend some time just me and him. And when I am finished for tonight, I shall tell him that I love him and that I will talk to him again tomorrow. I miss him so much.

@Chesneyhawkes1 My thoughts are with you tonight Flowers

My husband told me that he had filled up our boy’s water bowl tonight as he couldn’t bear to think that he would visit us in the night and not have fresh water. Oh heck, that's finished me...

There have been some beautiful posts on this thread which have been so helpful and compassionate. We all seem to be holding each other up. Much love to you all. 💕

I love the idea of writing to my dog. My husband bought me a beautiful hand-made, leather bound notebook and a fountain pen for my birthday two weeks ago and he actually suggested that when I'm ready, I might like to write down my memories of our girl in it. He's a good 'un.

Mim, everyone at our vets were amazing. They sent me a beautiful card with her paw print inside, a kind message and a small packet of forget-me-not seeds to plant in her memory.

I hope you have some good news soon, Chesney.

MimPimMim · 25/01/2021 23:59

Oh @Chesneyhawkes1, I am so sorry that things are still looking so precarious. I understand completely how worried you are - my boy was at the overnight vets at this time exactly last year for something relatively minor that had quickly spiralled. He pulled through and I am hoping for the same for your little man, they are such fighters Flowers

@PoleToPole Thank you so much - I need to believe that he knew how much we love him. His vet said tonight that she knew the very first time she met us all how much we loved him and how much he loved us. She said it shone out of us and of him. I have been repeating that to myself over and over. If other people could see it then surely he could feel it. It is just so hard to reconcile that with the fact that I wasn’t there at the end and I had always sworn that I would do that for him, no matter how hard it was for me. It turns out not being there is an even bigger agony.

@TheDogsMother Thank you for your kind words - he really was the most wonderful boy. We were so lucky. I am so sorry for your loss. How are you holding up now?

@ilovecardigans Your vets sound lovely - the forgetmenot seeds are a beautiful idea. The writing did help I think, I felt like I was doing something tangible to speak to him. I mostly told him how much I love him and how much we miss him. I told him about all the things we miss. I told him that I hoped he always felt safe and loved and taken care of. I told him about how I want so much to believe that we will saw him again. In the meantime, I asked him to visit us in our dreams. I hope he does - it gives me some comfort to think that we could. I am writing a memory of the day in it, something that makes me smile to remember. I am also thinking about creating a memory jar with the big and small things that he did - I would like to surprise us with happy memories when we reach into the jar.

I agree that this thread has been full of so much love and compassion. It is helping to prop me up at the moment and I am so grateful. Thank you to everyone who has thought of me and my beautiful boy - it is helping to share and to listen. It is so hard to find people in real life that understand how painful this is and it is making a difference to me that you are all here at this awful time. To be checked in on regularly by people who understand and care is a gift ❤️

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PoleToPole · 26/01/2021 00:20

@MimPimMim Flowers Please do try to believe it, and if a stranger on the internet reading your words can hear loud and clear how very, very much your boy was loved there is not a single shadow of doubt that he knew it and felt it x.
Your vet sounds so lovely and caring, and do try to take solace from her words - she knew you and him and could see his happiness and love.
It is horrible not having been able to be there at the very end, and I am so sorry you werent able to, but a boy that loved would never have doubted it, even if you couldnt be there for the very, very end, he would have passed loved, adored and secure in that knowledge x Flowers

TheDogsMother · 26/01/2021 01:09

@MimPimMim Thank you for asking. It's been so incredibly sad but we are now able to think about him, smile at the memories and talk about his funny ways. We still have his lead hanging in the hall and a little memorial in the garden. The house feels very empty though a lot less hairy 😔.

You did the absolute kindest thing when it needed to be done for your lovely boy.

Astella22 · 26/01/2021 02:07

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, I really do believe that when two souls connect they can never be parted. He will always be urs and u his and where ever his soul is now its forever marked by ur love. Your grief is a reflection of the love you felt for him and dogs just know instinctively if they are loved or not.
Tell us all if u can your best day together.

MimPimMim · 26/01/2021 09:35

@PoleToPole Thank you so much for your kind words. I keep replaying all the times in my head that there was so much going on that I just didn’t stop to scratch his head for a minute or give him a cuddle. I asked my husband yesterday if I’d told him that I loved him enough and he said I told him multiple times every day. I’m trying really hard to remember that. I’m worrying because things have got so much busier over the last few years - difficult pregnancy, having my daughter who was a difficult baby and took up most of my attention for the first six months or so, busy jobs, new house that needs work - and I don’t think we had the time to give him the attention he deserved. He just revelled in time spent with us and we increasingly had less of it. I tried so hard to give him quality time still but I don’t think it was enough. I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for that. I wish I could go back. I was in hospital for five days after my daughter’s birth and he really struggled without me. He developed separation anxiety as a result and it was so hard on him. I worry that he is not with me now - he never wanted to be away from me and now he is. It is tearing me up inside.

@TheDogsMother Thank you, I am telling myself over and over that we did the right thing - his vet told me that it wasn’t just the right thing to have done but that it would have actively been the wrong thing not to say goodbye to him then. It is just so devastating that we are here and he is not. We were a package. A family of four. Now there is a piece missing and I can’t make it better. I want so badly to make it better. Your memorial garden sounds lovely, a lot of people have said they found something like this comforting. If you are able to, would you please be able to share what is in yours and how you planned what it would look like? I think having something to focus on now would help me.

@Astella22 Thank you so much for your kind words. I will try to remember that. I always used to joke that he was my furry soulmate - the very first time I saw him, I knew we were meant to be together. It is so hard when a part of your soul is gone. I am trying to think of our best day together but what is floating together is a collection of the quiet moments, times when we were all together with no interruptions. He didn’t care where we were or what we were doing as long as we were all together. Cuddles on the sofa, playing tug with his rope toys, tickling his tummy, how he would grab his squeaky bone to offer to us whenever we came in through the door, shuffling his little bottom up to us to cuddle us in his own special doggy way, snuggling up to us in bed snoring contentedly, scratching the part of his leg that would make his leg thump, excitedly grabbing his bonio and taking it off to a part of the room where he thought that nobody could see him to gobble it down, long walks in his favourite wood, the smell of him after a bath, the smell of his paws, rolling around the floor together playing, the look on his face when he was really happy that looked just like a smile, the little sigh he would do when he wanted something and we weren’t quick enough to get it for him, the way he would bound towards us as if his legs just couldn’t carry him quick enough, the look in his eyes when he saw us. Everything. Just everything. I miss him so much. I’m not sure what to do without him.

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Oliphanto · 26/01/2021 10:04

Morning OP, please re read PoletoPoles post above. Your love for him shines through and he sounds so blessed. I did this revision of the past too, beating myself up for every time I cut short a walk or didn’t make the most of him. But looking at pictures I can see how he was adored, and happy. Natural to want one more day when it was so fast. I can tell you loved him and if we can tell, he knew. What a lucky dog.

You can do this OP, and he’d have wanted you to be happy.

I found 3 weeks things were better and 3 months on I was in a totally different place. I promise you it gets better and you will smile about him. Flowers

PoleToPole · 26/01/2021 12:34

We could all say that @MimPimMim there is never enough time, and life sometimes intervenes, but the time he spent with you would always have been treasured time for him, it doesn`t matter what you were doing, or if you were distracted sometimes, or busy with your DD or house, its the just being there which is important. Sometimes the moments spent, each doing your own thing in just quiet shared companionship are the most special.

When you were in hospital with your DD he would not have doubted your love for him, there are times that we cannot be there for them, as much as we want to, and it is the hardest thing.

Im a trauma surgeon, and over the decades I have seen a lot of people pass, Ive also had my own dogs since childhood and fostered for several decades, and one thing I have come to firmly believe is that love does not die. When everything else fades away, when all else is lost, love endures. Your boy may have passed, but your love for him and his for you will not end.
When I was training, I had a mentor who told me the same, and that even when we cannot save people, the love they have and their families have for them goes with them into whatever is next, or it becomes frozen in time and captured forever, depending on what you believe. It is the same for our furry family members, your boy will not feel alone even now, he will carry your love with him forever x.

@Chesneyhawkes1 thinking of you and your little man x Flowers

MimPimMim · 26/01/2021 14:25

Thank you both, @PoleToPole and @Oliphanto, for your continued kindness. I am repeating your comforting words to myself regularly as it is so hard to stop myself revisiting the past and wishing I could have done more for him. I always tried my absolute best for him, I really did. I think I’m worried that I took him for granted - he was my constant companion, always there, always loyal, always loving. He never really asked for anything (except for his treats, if he could see them left on the side in sight but annoyingly out of reach!), he just wanted us. Always us. He had had some medical issues before but had always beaten them. The vet was always so impressed at how strong he was and how well he bounced back. I don’t think I ever really let myself believe that the cancer would get him and certainly not in the way it did, so quickly and without warning. The odds against it having spread were so small but I really believed he would be the statistical anomaly - he always did everything his own way and I believed so much that he would this time too.

I know how much he loved me. I could see it every time he looked at me, every time he came searching for me (just to see where I was and for a bit of a fuss), every time we played together, every time I cuddled up with him. We were his world, his anchor, his safe place. I think part of what I am struggling with now is where do I direct my love for him? He’s not here but the love remains, so much of it, overwhelming me, but without him to direct it to. I think that’s why the writing helped last night, it felt like I was pouring that love somewhere tangible - not just leaving it there, hanging in the air, an arrow without a target. I don’t really know what to do with all the love.

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TheDogsMother · 26/01/2021 14:33

@MimPimMim We have a little lilac tree where we buried the ashes of our two cats (sisters). We have little name labels pushed into the soil underneath and half of our boy's ashes have joined them along with his own name label. In the tree hangs a metal paw print which we have left to rust with time.

The other half of his ashes were scattered by a beautiful tree on one of his favourite walks. We placed a small bunch of wild flowers with them and tucked in a little wooden stake with his name on. We can see the tree from our bedroom. My DH used to photograph the tree through the seasons and for my birthday he made me the picture (which set me off crying all over again). I love it though.

When you feel ready I'm sure you will create some lovely and meaningful for your boy too.

Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated
Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated
ilovecardigans · 26/01/2021 15:05

So much kindness and love on this thread.

Thinking of everyone missing a beloved dog today. It's so hard...

spiderlight · 26/01/2021 17:24

Just checking in with a handhold Flowers

@TheDogsMother - I love that picture. What a beautiful idea.

Oliphanto · 26/01/2021 17:27

You hold on tight to the love, you’re keeping it safe, and in time you find somewhere or something for some of it to go (or in my case, it finds you in the form of another dog who needs a home. A totally different dog and a different love which can be bittersweet but it is a focus all the same, and the house is full of joy again).

Not a decision for now, and your place for it to go might be something else entirely.

MuttsNutts · 26/01/2021 18:11

Oh my goodness, I’ve only just seen this and am in tears reading of your grief. You have such a way with words that bring back to the surface those raw early days. I am so very sorry for your loss and know very well how you feel. Nothing anyone can say will take the hurt away but in time I promise you it will ease and you will only smile when you think of your special, beautiful boy.

What a very lucky boy to have been loved so completely. He knew, I promise you he knew.

Everyone finds comfort in different ways and I found bringing my lovely girl’s little pot of ashes home and having them near me hugely comforting. I still do and It will be three years ago next week that I lost her. My heart is still full for her - that feeling never leaves.

Do whatever you have to do to get through the days. If and when you feel able I would so love to see a photo of his little face but if you want to keep that just for yourselves, obviously that’s fine and completely understandable as well.

Sending strength and love to you @MimPimMim and to everyone who has shared stories of their beautiful boys and girls. How lucky they are to have been so loved and how lucky we are to have loved them ❤️

Flowers
MimPimMim · 26/01/2021 20:34

@TheDogsMother That is so beautiful - it must be such a comfort to be able to see the tree from your bedroom and think of your boy as you look at it. I love the picture, such a thoughtful present from your DH. When we are ready, we will spend some time thinking about what to do for our boy - in time, I think it will help to do something practical for him. I would like to do something practical for him again.

@spiderlight @Oliphanto I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you checking in on me and your kind words. It has been another hard day in a series of hard days - I am finding the mornings the worst, not seeing his little face first thing, not feeling his warm body snuggled up against me, hearing his contented breathing and knowing that there is a whole day ahead without him - but this thread is helping me. I remember your words of comfort and I read them often. @Oliphanto - the idea of holding onto the love is beautiful. Thank you.

@MuttsNutts Thank you so much for your kind words, I need to believe it will get better. I miss him so much. Your words about finding your girl’s ashes comforting have come at exactly the right time - we will be getting the call either tomorrow or the day after that his ashes are ready to collect and I am dreading it. I want him to come home so much but it is breaking my heart that this is how he will come back. He went to the vets several times over the last year but he always came home. I keep expecting that he will be coming home. And he is but not bounding through the door, with tail wagging, eyes bright and an excited bark that we are together again. I want so much to be together again. I am so worried that the house feel even emptier when he is home but not home. I hope that I find it comforting to have him close to me again. We were thinking that, in time, we might scatter his ages but his vet advised that it can be helpful to think about where he would like to be. He would like to be home with us. He always just wanted to be wherever we were.

@ilovecardigans Thank you - I have been thinking of you. I hope today was a better day Flowers

@Chesneyhawkes1 You and your little man have been in my thoughts today, thinking of you Flowers

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DenisetheMenace · 26/01/2021 20:38

Deepest condolences. We lost our old girl, 15(PTS, acute kidney failure) a couple of days before Christmas.
I’m ok now, I was the boss, the Walker, the feeder. DH is still tearful now and then. He’s. CEV, been pretty much indoors since last Feb. They played and became the very best of friends. The emotion has really taken him by surprise.
So sorry.

MimPimMim · 26/01/2021 20:39

@MuttsNutts I said to my husband today that we are so lucky that, of all the dogs, he was our dog. He was perfect for us and I hope we were perfect for him. You put it exactly - we loved him completely and we love him completely still. I will always love him completely ❤️

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DenisetheMenace · 26/01/2021 20:44

“We were thinking that, in time, we might scatter his ages but his vet advised that it can be helpful to think about where he would like to be. He would like to be home with us. He always just wanted to be wherever we were.”

Mum and dad’s beloved Cat Spider is under a rose bush in their garden.
We all (used 🙄) to say hello to Spider every time we pass.
When this is all over, we will again. They have a much loved cat now but because of the bush, we’ll all remember Spider every time we see it.
(She has the most beautiful photo of her now Cat Violet smelling one of the roses on Spider’s rose bush. It’s just lovely)

MimPimMim · 26/01/2021 20:51

@DenisetheMenace Thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been especially awful just before Christmas Flowers My DH is more upset than I have ever seen him before, in our nearly twenty years together. During my pregnancy and the early days with my daughter, in particular, he had taken over a lot of the practical stuff with our boy and their bond had grown even closer. He is missing his right hand man so much. Similarly to your DH, the extent of his sadness has taken him by surprise. I think he feels like he needs to keep it together for me and our daughter. He doesn’t, and I’m encouraging him not to, but I can see that he is putting pressure on himself to do so. If you don’t mind me asking, have you found anything helpful in supporting your DH? I am glad you are feeling ok yourself now, it is the hardest of times Flowers

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