Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Hi @ClingFilmAndGafferTape This is something I've been thinking about too. It's very difficult, because as you rightly say, all I really want is her. 😢

I've ruled out anything to do with ashes as it just doesn't feel right. I'm considering a beautiful memory box for her most precious things, and also possibly commissioning a needle felted replica of her. My husband wants a photograph made into a canvas to go on the wall, but trying to choose just one photo from thousands feels impossible at this stage.

When we went to collect her ashes, our wonderful vets gave us a card with a handwritten message that contained a little packet of forget me not seeds to plant 'in remembrance of your dear friend and companion'. We bought a beautiful copper coloured planter (same colour as her coat) and we're hoping that they will be in bloom in the not too distant future.

Whatever you decide will be right for you. There are some wonderful, helpful posts on this thread when you're ready to read through it, but it will be hard at the moment because your loss is so recent. I'm still struggling nearly 6 months on. I thought I was hard as nails, but I'm so not. Dogs do that to you. 💔

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape We will also do a memory box, in time - I’m sort of putting it off because it feels so final. For now, we have a memory jar that has lots of little capsules that you pop memories on little pieces of paper and then keep the capsules in the jar to dip into. We’re doing it gradually and the jar is starting to fill up with all the memories. It helps to remember all the very many good times.

We also bought two beautiful purple rhododendrons as they bloom in my boy’s birthday month and they remind us of our old house, where he loved to roll around in the garden. It was lovely watching them bloom this year - obviously not the same but I think of him every time I look at them and it makes me smile.

We have a few pictures up now (so hard to choose from the many thousands we have of him) and another thing I did for a long time was to write to him - I found it really helped. I thought it would be full of sad things but I actually ended up writing mostly about all the happy times and his funny ways, it felt like a way of still speaking to him. I’m pregnant now and had to stop writing as it makes my terrible sickness worse but like to think I’ll pick it up again at some point. I found it really peaceful and it helped me work through some of my grief.

You will find something that feels right for you but it’s tough in those early days because you want to do everything for them but none of it is right as all you really want is them. I still wish my lovely boy was next to me but it feels a little less raw now - I can sit in the happy memories and be grateful for them. I hope you can find something that brings you comfort, whatever is right for you - thinking of you still, the early weeks are agony

@ilovecardigans Still thinking of you too - keep going one day at a time, for as long as you need to. I saw a quote the other day which said “What is grief if not love persevering?” - I think there is a lot of truth in that and it is quite a beautiful thought. Love remains and hopefully makes us better people for it ❤️

Hello
I hope you all don't mind me posting on here. I lost my beautiful dog last week and I'm still absolutely devastated. I haven't stopped crying since she went and I'm struggling to come to terms with her not being here.

I've got her ashes and made myself a ring and a few keepsakes, ordered a sculpture of her and got photos of her in every room to make her feel like she's close but I still feel so empty and lost 💔

@hogu - I’m so sorry for your loss, it really is the worst pain. And the early days are their own particular type of agony. It does improve though, I promise. Would it help to talk about her at all? Sending you strength

@MimPimMim Thanks for the reply.
I didn't know where else to post and yes it does help to talk about her, she's all I can think of all day everyday even though I have my little boy to look after I'm struggling as I feel I just need to sit and think about her.
I feel a constant sense of guilt, guilt for the time I didn't take her a walk, guilt for when I had my baby and she had to share me, guilt about stopping giving her rawhide chews because they were giving her upset tummy even though she loved them. Guilt for a million more reasons too many to list. I hope she knew how much I loved her, I pray she knew.
She was diagnosed with kidney failure in January and had 3 hospital stays since then, the rest was managed at home with various medication and subcutaneous fluids.
I miss her so much, I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently 😓💔

@hogu please don’t blame yourself for any of this. It’s so hard to accept, their lives seem so short, but sometimes it’s just their time and I know how hard it is to accept that.

We’re nearly three months without our gorgeous boy, and I’ve spent far too long trying to make sense of it and beating myself up. But it was his time, he knew he was loved, and although it feels so counterintuitive, we really did the kindest things for our boy at the right time. And you will have too.

Give it time, I promise it helps. There’s another thread on this board where someone has posted a link to a dog psychic. I was so cynical, but honestly watching some of her YouTube videos has helped.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear girl @hogu. I understand exactly what you're going through, as does everyone else on this thread. Yes, the guilt. It's absolutely hideous and it can consume you, but gradually it will feel less raw and painful and you will be able to focus on the happy memories of your beloved girl. If it helps to share some memories on here, I would love to read them.

Dear @MimPimMim, thank you as always for your kind and comforting words. I'm sorry you're suffering with such bad sickness. I hope you feel well again soon. 💐 xx

@hogu The guilt is terrible, I tortured myself for ages with all the what ifs. My biggest one was also whether my boy knew how much he was loved, I couldn’t bear the thought that he wouldn’t have known - especially because I couldn’t be with him at the end. By coincidence, I found a photo that my husband took of me cuddled up with my beautiful boy, both of us sound asleep on the night before we lost him. The look on his face is content, he looks like a dog who knows he is loved and it reminded me that he absolutely categorically did know. I truly believe dogs know and your girl will have done too. I understand the baby guilt too - I had my little girl a couple of years ago and my boy had to learn to share me. But when I look back at the photos, I can see he was always there and we just became a family of four instead. You will have made the right choices for your girl when you had to and the ultimate kindest choice when it was time. It’s hard to reconcile that with missing them so much but time does help, eventually. Keep going, one day at a time

Thank you @ilovecardigans - I appreciate it ❤️

@dibly What was the YouTube channel if you don't mind? I'd like to have a look..

@ilovecardigans The guilt is overwhelming.
I look at photos of her that I've taken recently and now see she doesn't look like herself. I know she must have been suffering but she was so brave not to show it for so long.

I love to talk about her, she's on my mind literally all of the time. I've surrounded myself with photos of her so I still see her all the time.

@MimPimMim That's good you can see things that way now, I hope I'm the same. At the moment I just feel like she was sad she had to share me, my little boy is full on all the time so barely gave me a moment to cuddle Candy. She used to like it when he went to bed so it was more peaceful and she could have my attention more.
I still find it hard to believe I'm never going to see her again, I keep looking for her! 😢

@hogu the videos are in this link m.youtube.com/user/DanielleMacKinnon . I started watching them thinking yeah right, but they’ve given me some peace and acceptance. Strange, I’ve always been a huge believer in euthanasia for humans but after this experience I just don’t know any more.even though it was time for our boy, the guilt and second guessing is so difficult to deal with alongside the loss. But the videos have helped me make some more sense of it all. I just skipped past any that didn’t feel relevant.

Big hugs, and take things day by day in these first weeks.

Hi I no what feels like lose pet i lost my German shepherd sasha 7 weeks ago people who don't get that connection that beautiful bond will never understand you have your memories no one can take them away