Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Thank you all for your kind words, it is comforting to be able to talk about it and I am trying to find some hope but it is so very hard at the moment. @spiderlight I am going to hold onto that and hope for the same - my heart is shattered at the thought of never seeing him again. I am not a religious person but I need to believe that I will see him again. I am taking comfort from your words about his last day being a safe and familiar day, thank you. I am eaten up with guilt about missing time with him and not being there with him at the end - I keep thinking through what I could have done differently and the time I could have spent with him. My husband is absolutely distraught tonight and I keep telling him what you all are telling me but I can’t quite believe it when I try to reassure myself.

I am so sorry for all your losses, the bond and love we share with our dogs is so special. There is an empty space in my heart and home that is so loud in its silence.

@Darklane @ilovecardigans I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful dogs in the same way. The seizures at the end are haunting me - I wish we’d had some warning so that we could have spared him that. I keep going over and over in my mind whether there was anything that I should have picked up on. I completely understand about the pain of an empty house - we only moved midway through last year and now I can’t bear the emptiness without him. We even slept in the spare bedroom last night as my husband had to leave for work early today and I couldn’t bear to wake up in my bed without my boy. He slept curled up next to me, matching his breathing to mine, and not having his warmth next to me in the morning is unbearable.

How do I carry on? I’m due back at work on Monday and I can barely even hold it together for my toddler. She has been looking for him today and I can’t bear her confusion when she can’t find him. I almost believe that she is right and that he is just round the corner, in another room just waiting to be found.

@MimPimMim oh you have made me cry , it's so so sad when they go it's heartbreaking I really feel for you. I know exactly how you feel it's horrible , an actual physical pain in your chest. Our beautiful lab x died in April very suddenly. I noticed her breathing wasn't right took her to the vets she was riddled with cancer , her lungs were full of fluid and she had to be put down we had no warning at all. She was 12 and we had had her since she was 6 weeks old. I still really really struggle to talk about her without crying I miss her so much. Take a few days off if you can as you won't be able to concentrate on work anyway. Lean on your dh you need cuddles x

I'm so sorry. I lost my childhood dog back in 2006. For years afterwards I had a recurring dream of us being at the vet to put him to sleep, and him fighting the vet off and miraculously being well again.

It is the hardest of times. I have two dogs now. One is 14 and I know her time is coming.

I am so so sorry you have lost your beautiful boy. He knew you loved him and you did the very best for him. If you can take a day or two off work sick then do so

Thank you for your kind thoughts, it really is helping. I need to keep it somewhat together as my husband is distraught - in nearly 20 years together, I have never seen him so upset - and it is comforting to be able to talk about how immensely painful this is. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, it physically hurts. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight. I almost don’t want to get through it as that means being further away from when my beautiful boy was here - I don’t want to be separated from him by time, too.

@pumpkinpie01 I am so sorry for your loss - I completely understand the shock. It is breathtaking how our lives - and theirs - can change in an instant. Is there anything that is helping you cope? I am struggling to imagine a time when I am coping better with this, I am trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other but just feel frozen from grief.

@MimsyBorogroves I really wish you so much joy and the making of more happy memories with your girl - may you still have many days left together.

I am struggling to imagine a time when I am coping better with this, I am trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other but just feel frozen from grief.

Mim, I hear you. The first week after we lost our girl was horrific. It's getting slightly better now, just over three weeks on (i.e. I can actually eat). It's only been a couple of days for you, so be gentle with yourself, you will still be reeling from the shock.

Everything you have said so far in your posts, I've been there. It's awful, just awful. All I can say is try and distract yourself as best you can and keep busy with the mundane and the routine. And if you need to take time off work, then do so. x

@ilovecardigans Thank you for carrying on talking to me - it helps to be heard. I feel both afraid of letting go too much as it hurts so much and like I might explode if I keep it all in. Posting on here and talking to kind people is helping me let it out in manageable amounts.

It’s actually getting worse not better, today has been unbearable. I’m not sure how to be kind to myself - I’m putting all my remaining energy into keeping it together for my toddler. I miss my boy so much. The walls of the house feel like they are closing in on me, I can see him and hear him everywhere but then I realise that he’s gone and I just can’t bear it. I even heard him bark this morning, at what would have been the time to take him downstairs and go out into the garden. I miss his voice and his sounds and his smells - the house is deafening in its silence. I miss his presence. I miss his warmth and his fur and his eyes. I miss the way his head would tilt to one side when I’d tell him that I loved him. I miss him following me around and reaching down to absentmindedly scratch his eyes or tickle his chin. I miss him sleeping next to me and hearing his contented breathing as I stroked him. I can’t believe he has gone. The only thing that will make it better is to have him back and I can’t have that. There is a him shaped hole that is everywhere and I feel so empty.

Oh Mim, you sound so utterly bereft. I understand. I could have written your last paragraph, almost word for word.

It feels as though the light has gone out of my life and I'm struggling to find enjoyment in things that I previously used to love doing. I suspect that the current situation isn't helping things as we are all more isolated from one another. I can go days without seeing or speaking to a single soul other than my husband and I'm starting to live in my own head far too much.

Keep talking on here if that helps. Always ready to listen and offer a virtual shoulder when you need to have a good cry. xx

I'm still here too and my heart is breaking for you. I remember those awful first few days all too well, and not wanting to feel better because it would mean being one more step away from the time when he'd been with us. Your boy wouldn't want you to be this upset though. I bet he used to come running if you were crying. For now, you can only feel what you feel and try to keep functioning through it, but as it eases, try to let it go, because that will bring you closer to the time when you can think of happy memories with him.

If you feel that you really aren't coping, the Blue Cross offers a pet bereavement helpline that I know has helped a lot of people: www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

Thinking of you, and of you too @ilovecardigans

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's awful.

My 14 year okd jrt is in the vets now fighting for his life. Been there since yesterday. He's very poorly. I don't know what to do with myself.

I lost my Dobie 3 years ago and I still miss her terribly.

I'm in tears for you reading your posts. It's unbelievably hard. My 13 yr old terrier died in my arms in November and it was horrendous. I knew he was ill and thought I would have the chance to take him to the vet in calm way - stroking him and talking to him as he drifted off as my previous dogs had done but it didn't happen that way.

Don't ignore the way you are feeling. You are in shock. I was exactly the same - feeling sick, shaking. It gets better but even now that I have a wonderful new puppy I get flashbacks to the day he died and feel overwhelmed again.

so sorry, its utterly heartbreaking.

I am so sorry to hear this. It is just awful when you have to say goodbye to them and you realise that they are in our lives for such a short and precious time.

I had to have my 15 year old labrador boy put to sleep in November 2019. The first few weeks were dreadful. It felt almost as though I had lost one of my children. In time though, I did process it better. I had him cremated and I have his ashes in a lovely wooden urn. It is in the shape of a box with a picture frame on the side and I have inserted a photo of him as the beautiful and exuberant young dog that he once was into that. It sits in “his” corner now on a table, with another keepsake box containing his collar, lead and a clipping of his hair. All that has helped me as it felt like he came back home to where he belongs and is still here with us.

Sometimes I still think I can even sense him around the house, which is comforting. I like to believe that those we have loved and lost never really leave us. They are still there and we will see them again one day.

I hope you can start to find some comfort soon. You gave him a great life and he knew he was well loved.

Thank you so much, spiderlight. x

Oh, Chesney I'm so sorry. You must be absolutely beside yourself. I really hope he pulls through.

So sorry for your recent loss, hairbrush. I hope that I'll be ready to welcome a dog into my heart again sometime.

Topsey, I will be making up a 'memory box' in time. What you have done sounds beautiful.

So sorry OP.
It is the worst thing but in time the pain will ease.
I’ve lost 2 beautiful companions, one just broke me. The only thing that helped was working with a rescue charity and fostering and helping more dogs.
I never thought my heart would heal but in time it has and now I’ve given my heart to another dog who is elderly now herself, and so it goes on.

Thank you all for continuing to send me your kind thoughts and comments - it really is helping me to talk and share and listen. I am repeating your kind words to myself and my husband when we are breaking down over my the loss of my beautiful boy. I am so sorry to hear about your losses.

@Chesneyhawkes1 I am thinking of you and your boy and holding my breath that he pulls through

@spiderlight Thank you for the link. I don’t know if I am coping - I can’t sleep, can’t eat, my mind is consumed with thoughts of my poor boy and his last night. I keep worrying that I could have done more for him, I worry that I took him for granted - he was my constant, always there, he was such a good boy and never wanted anything more than to be with his people. I had a terrible pregnancy (HG) with my daughter and he spent the whole nine months lying by my side. I can’t help but think that at the end he knew I wasn't there - he opened his eyes briefly and saw my husband but not me. I worry that he was searching for me and couldn’t find me. That thought is haunting me. The vet thought he would have at least six months left. Not six weeks. I thought there would be more time. There was so little time and I didn’t make the most of it.

@ilovecardigans I understand exactly. I feel flat and dulled and empty. My daughter is the only reason I am getting out of bed. We took her out in the snow earlier - the first time she has ever seen snow - and all I could think was that we were three when we should be four. I just stood in the snow and cried.

@Topseyt It does feel like that and, really, he was our first baby. We loved him unconditionally, we cared for him, we played with him, we looked after him. He depended on us and we tried to do the absolute best we could for him. And now he is gone and my love for him is still here but he is not. I sat next to his bed last night, smelled his blankets - which still smell as if he has just got up - and told him I love him. Then I howled because he is not here to hear me say that and he never will be. I want so much to believe that I will see him again one day - I keep trying to make myself believe that. The finality of this has just broken me - I feel broken into so many pieces and I don’t understand how I ever put myself back together again. I’m not sure I even want to as I will be putting myself back together without him.

@FreshFreesias Wishing you so many more happy days with your precious girl - may they be plentiful and filled with joy.

Thank you both. The vet has called and no improvement yet. But I will continue to hope.

After I lost my Dobie I drove around for weeks with the duvet I wrapped her in to take her to the cremation place in my car. I just couldn't bear to part with it. The cremation place gave me a paw print and some of her fur with her ashes.

I kept them for ages in the box as doing something with them felt too final. But after a year I planted them in a pot with a rose bush.

I cried walking my other dogs every morning as there was one missing. But slowly, very slowly, I started to be able to remember her with happy memories and not cry.

Sometimes even now I'll have a good cry - a fb memory or something will come up.

The first weeks were awful though. Just a desperate feeling of loss and emptiness. I would get 4 bowls out at dinner time instead of 3. I really really feel for all of you that have lost a beloved pet recently.

@Chesneyhawkes1 I am hoping with you and have been thinking of your boy this evening

People keep suggesting things to me to help give me closure but I don’t feel ready for that yet. It’s too final. I don’t feel ready to say goodbye. I suppose that’s part of the problem. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel ready.

@ilovecardigans I completely agree that the lockdown is making it worse. I feel like we are trapped in a bubble of our grief, unable to go anywhere or do anything that might provide a momentary distraction. It’s impossible to escape the thoughts that are going around and around in my head. Grief is isolating enough as it is, without already feeling cut off from the rest of the world.

Mim I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through it in 2018 and it was truly terrible, I still miss dog now.

Give yourself time to grieve and know that your dog had many, many happy years with you and still love you forever ❤

Thank you @StrawberryFizz26 and I’m so sorry about your loss. I am just devastated and it is getting worse by the day. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I don’t understand how I’m ever supposed to get used to him not being here. I don’t understand how I’m ever going to get used to missing him.

I told two work colleagues that he had died as I needed work handing over on Friday. One hasn’t even acknowledged it and the other has just sent me a message saying that she hopes I had a good weekend and here is a list of work things to do today. How can I have had a good weekend when my beautiful boy has gone? Why does his death and my pain not even deserve an acknowledgement? I can barely move from the pain and they expect me to keep going as if nothing has changed. I have told them that I am not coming in for a few days but I don’t really know what to do with these few days - I keep thinking there is some magical answer as to what I should be doing. Except try to sleep and eat, which seems impossible right now.

Hi Mim. Big virtual hug from me and wishing you strength to get you through your day. Your colleagues sound a bit crap TBH, but some people have no clue how to react to another person's bereavement. Sadly, some people also have no idea how painful it is to have loved and lost a dog, or any other pet. Equally, they may well have their own personal pain that they keep hidden. Keep talking on here if it's helping. I'll keep checking in. x

Thing of you and sending kind thoughts, Chesney.

Mim, and all who have lost. Your boy sounds like such a treasure Mim x

Grief always get worse at first, its almost like at the very start you cant really believe it, it just doesnt seem real, and then the bitter reality of it sinks in and you just despair . I don`t think the grief ever really goes away, but it consumes less of your daily thoughts as time goes on, and becomes more manageable.

Sometimes it is best to just do nothing, and not try to do anything. Not putting yourself under any pressure is important, I think. Obviously there are things you have to do, for your DD, work and so on, but the rest of the time, just let yourself be, and let yourself do nothing and grieve if you need to. You will be able to do things and focus again when you are ready, do not rush yourself beyond the essentials

A while after PoleDogSr passed, when we were ready, the DC, DH and I all build a small memorial garden for him, and planted forget me nots. The physical effort of it, the talking about him and recounting memories of him really helped. It was a very sad thing to do, and I still feel sad when I sit on the bench there and think about him, but it helped to process the grief, particularly for my DC I think.

Thinking of you and everyone else x

I’m in tears here reading about the passing away of the lovely pets we have had. I just know I will be totally heartbroken when my super Springer goes. I don’t think non pet owners have any idea how much we love our dogs, every dog I have ever owned has been a wonderful friend, companion, and giver of love. My thoughts go out to all who are hurting tonight.

sorry for your loss, remember and allow yourself to grieve as its a well loved part of your family you have lost

hugs

@MimPimMim
You will never be the same
You will always mourn him leaving you because he was such a special and loved part of your life. Made so many memories with you. In all the photographs and part of good and bad times.
I think you wrote you don’t want to put yourself back together again without him: the thing is you won’t really. It’s perfectly fine and true and right to accept and make peace with the fact there will always be a little paw shaped part that’s missing.
I still have my first dog’s puppy collar from twenty years ago. Still have my cats. Life does go on and at first it seems so wrong and cruel but one day you think of then with more of a smile than just tears.
You won’t be ready yet. I don’t know when it will happen. But you will know.
Right now though just let this wash over you. Grief for the passing of a truly beloved companion dog for all of a who’ve been there and face it again one day is both the price of love but also the proof of it.
In my darkest days and moments my nine year old dog has and does get me through things. My mum says her heart belongs to me. We are all privileged

You had and still have his heart. Dogs know and feel love in a way most humans never do. To have reciprocated that and given him reason to trust and bond with you his whole life is something you should always cherish. Him passing doesn’t take that away.

Hope this helps in some small way as I know the pain is overwhelming ❤️