Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

@MimPimMim congratulations to you that’s such lovely news 😊 I wish you all the best and am sure your boy is by your side ❤️

I’ve been occasionally popping on here to see how we are. I’m so sorry to the new folk who have joined this sad club.

For us it’s 10 weeks this coming week since we lost our beautiful Ben. It’s still so very very hard. We miss him terribly. We have been doing a lot of work in the garden and it’s so hard out there without him. I still feel completely bereft tbh. I had a lovely dream last night and he was so vivid. I woke up feeling heartbroken again.

Our poor oldie cat Alfie who is nearly 17 and was Bens best pal was diagnosed on Tuesday with skin cancer. We have to make the decision whether to put him through surgery to have it removed. Who would have thought it - bloody cancer coming for him now! We lost Ben to liver cancer 😢 What a year. Alfs had blood tests run to check if he is otherwise well for surgery. We will know tomorrow.

Sending love to you all and to our beautiful dogs who I hope are up there having a ball.

Thank you, Cardigans 💕 You have been in my thoughts, I hope time is bringing you some peace and more good memories than sad. I am finding that time has made the grief less raw, which is something at least. I love that quote - there is such truth in it. Dogs are indeed the way we experience peace, in the quiet moments just being together and living companionably side by side. It brings me comfort to still feel my boy’s presence and I hope you still feel your girl with you, I’m sure she is there 🐾

Thank you Benji and I am so sorry to hear about Alfie. Cancer is just awful and this news must be a terrible shock, after everything that happened with Ben. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow and hoping for the best. Sending you strengths, hugs and luck - you are in my thoughts

Sorry - late to the party.
Huge congratulations @MimPimMim
lovely news.
Sorry to hear about Alf @benji13
What a bloody year.

Thank you @toomanypillows 💕 You’ve been in my thoughts - I hope J has been visiting you in your dreams or, in the quiet moments, out of the corner of your eye 🐾

@MimPimMim - the boy is definitely around. I miss him indescribably and time is a double edged sword - every day is a step towards healing but also a step away from my last day with him.
On Tuesday next week he would have turned 15. I thought we'd get there.

But we're going to plant a tree for his birthday so I'm looking forward to that.

Hope you're all OK today x

@toomanypillows I know exactly what you mean - we are getting our house redecorated soon and it feels wrong in a lot of ways. The carpets he lay on will be gone, the rooms will look different. I worry, irrationally, that he won’t recognise it as home. And then I remember that his home was with us and so he will be here, as long as we are.

I’ll be thinking of you on J’s birthday - it is my boy’s 13th birthday this Sunday and I never for a second imagined that he wouldn’t be here. It hurts. Last year, he humoured us by wearing a birthday hat for some silly pictures, we’ll look at them on Sunday and smile as we think about how lucky we are to have had him. We bought his rhodendedrons and potted them last weekend - I’m hopeful they will bloom in his birthday month. They have a little stone with his name on in each pot and it makes me smile to think of him out in the garden. He loved it out there - although he would have been more interested in digging up the plants than admiring them!

Sending love to us all 🐾

I had commissioned a canvas of L for my sons room, he had wanted a canvas so I felt it was fitting tribute.

He was originally his dog but L had other plans and picked me.

Anyways I had ordered the wrong size so I ordered the correct one. I cancelled the wrong one straight away. Two arrived on Wednesday. It is not re-sellable but the second is perfect size for the hall.

L always would stand exactly under the spotband wait for me to come in and would walk backwards watching me.

I can't help but think that is him keeping his presence in the house.

It was his birthday on the 6th although we never celebrated it. We always celebrated his forever home day which is in September.

I had been told to prepare last year he wouldn't make it but he decided differently. I guess I thought he would always be here, he kept defying the vet.

The pain is intense today

Hi all,

I am just checking in with everyone.

Hope everyone is going ok. The thread seems to have gone quiet.

It's been 9 weeks since I lost L. Only 13 weeks yet it seems like a lifetime again.

@MimPimMim how is your pregnancy going? I know you may be feeling it more poignantly with your hormones.

I must have dreamt about him last night as I woke up feeling the pain again.

I still cry daily over my lost pooch. I’m crying now typing this. I’ve had 2 new puppies for 5 weeks now but as lovely as they are, they’re not her.
I PTS ‘a week too early’ and I still wonder if I did the right thing.

It’s gorgeous out today so no doubt we’ll be taking the puppies somewhere nice for a walk. It’s not the same without our queen

Be kind to yourself Op, grief needs to be grieved, you will be sad for a while but that is normal and allowed.

My last dog was the only constant on 18 years of my life, I knew he was old and sick but we were so entrenched in our little routines that it was painful to stop them suddenly so I didn’t: I kept living the light on for him in the hallway and filling his water bowl until I felt better and could stop, some people would think that is crazy but I saw it as the dog-human equivalent of lighting a candle for him.

((Hugs))

I PTS ‘a week too early’ and I still wonder if I did the right thing.

If it helps, I put to sleep a week too late and I am sure it was the wrong thing . So much unnecessary suffering

Hi @Dublincailin, how are you getting on? It’s been over four months for us now, since we lost our lovely boy, and it’s hard to believe where the time has gone. We miss him everyday but smile about him a lot now, when we talk about the things we would do together or his funny little ways. He still feels like he is with me and I know I can never really lose him because I carry him safely with me. He is in my heart and mind, always. My pregnancy has been tough so far and I do think about how much of a comfort he’d be. He was my little buddy last time, cuddled up with me on the sofa or in bed helping me to feel better. We really are so lucky to have had him. I hope you are finding some space to grieve and some peace. It’s not easy, they leave their paw prints on our hearts forever 🐾

@NoProblem123 I’m so sorry for your loss They stay in our hearts, don’t they? You will have made the kindest, bravest choice for your dog and you did the right thing, I am sure of it. I hope the new pups claim their own space in your heart, in time, alongside the love you will always carry for your girl ❤️

@KarmaNoMore I am sorry for your loss and thank you, this thread had really helped me to know that people understand I did the same thing with the lights and the water bowl, until one day I felt I could stop. I couldn’t stop the routines until I could smile about him more than I cried because then I knew he was still with me. The dog-human equivalent of lighting a candle is exactly what it felt like. Your boy will have known how much you loved him - how lucky you were to have found each other. I hope you remember him with smiles now. Hugs gratefully received 💕

Five months on and I think about my beloved girl every single day. I can honestly say that I'm still completely broken hearted, but I've managed to find a way to navigate the days and get on with 'life'.

Recently, we've managed to recover a little of the joy that we lost when we lost her. We began to hand feed the birds in our garden and now have a veritable flock of young & adult blackbirds, thrushes, starlings and sparrows who greet us at the back door each morning. They are so lovely, with their individual personalities and quirks, but I've managed to resist giving them names (so far...). We put out a little water bowl for them too and they've been drinking and bathing in it.

It's horrible being without a dog after 16 years, but right now I absolutely could not contemplate any other dog. She was the one. My one and only.

@ilovecardigans oh sweetheart it’s 5 months for us now too. Like you our hearts are still broken and we miss our darling boy every single day.
We are on holiday for a week now in Cornwall and although it’s lovely it’s also very hard. Our boy should be here and would be having a wonderful time with us. He loved the seaside. We cry every day still and tbh feel bereft still. Not sure this will ever feel any different.

@Benji13 xxx

Me too. I want to think about her and remember her every day (and always), but inevitably end up in tears. I miss her so much.

I've had this thread open for over a week now and still can't bring myself to read it more than the first few posts. I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost your darling dogs. My beautiful girl was pts 10 days ago and I am so so bloody sad. It was very sudden, I didn't know she was ill and didn't have time to collect my thoughts before she was gone. It was literally one day she wasn't right, next day to the specialist and he said it was the kindest thing to let her go. There and then. I miss her so much. Much love to everyone on this thread, we've all got paw print holes in our hearts, and actually we are so lucky to have had that

@ilovecardigans I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are getting on I miss my boy every day too. I mostly miss the little moments where he’d be curled up next to me or how I’d idly stroke his head. I can still feel his soft fur under my fingertips. He was my one too, I know just how you feel. Your birds sound delightful, I bet they bring you such joy every morning - I’m glad you have found that again 💕

@Benji13 I’ve been thinking of you too - I hope you’ve managed to have a good week away, despite Ben not being with you. It’s hard when there’s a gap where they should be. Thinking of you

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape I am so sorry for your loss I know just how hard it is, especially when it is a shock. If you can manage to read this thread, there are some wise words by people who have gone and got through it, which hopefully might bring you some comfort. The shock took a while to wear off for me and I found the first month, in particular, really hard. A few months on and I smile a lot about my boy, remembering all his funny ways and little quirks. I miss him but I also feel like I still have him because I carry him safely with me, always. Someone upthread said about her dog that it is like he is in another room but that room is in her head - I understand now exactly what she meant, although it’s hard to explain. I hope you can find some space to grieve and be sad - it’s a cliche but you have to go through it to get through it. I’m thinking of you and wishing you some peace. Your girl sounds so lucky to have had you and you to have her ❤️

[quote MimPimMim]@ilovecardigans I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are getting on I miss my boy every day too. I mostly miss the little moments where he’d be curled up next to me or how I’d idly stroke his head. I can still feel his soft fur under my fingertips. He was my one too, I know just how you feel. Your birds sound delightful, I bet they bring you such joy every morning - I’m glad you have found that again 💕

@Benji13 I’ve been thinking of you too - I hope you’ve managed to have a good week away, despite Ben not being with you. It’s hard when there’s a gap where they should be. Thinking of you

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape I am so sorry for your loss I know just how hard it is, especially when it is a shock. If you can manage to read this thread, there are some wise words by people who have gone and got through it, which hopefully might bring you some comfort. The shock took a while to wear off for me and I found the first month, in particular, really hard. A few months on and I smile a lot about my boy, remembering all his funny ways and little quirks. I miss him but I also feel like I still have him because I carry him safely with me, always. Someone upthread said about her dog that it is like he is in another room but that room is in her head - I understand now exactly what she meant, although it’s hard to explain. I hope you can find some space to grieve and be sad - it’s a cliche but you have to go through it to get through it. I’m thinking of you and wishing you some peace. Your girl sounds so lucky to have had you and you to have her ❤️[/quote]
Thanks for your kind words @MimPimMim. I'm not ready to read the thread yet, but I will do. I'm so sorry you went through so much pain and am glad to hear that things are easier for you. I read your first few threads and your heartbreak was clear. I understand how you felt. I am picking my girl's ashes up tomorrow and I am dreading it - seeing that place again. It's quite a long drive too and I spent the whole journey there talking to her and promising we would make her better and the whole journey back with an empty car sobbing and confused about what had just happened. She was a challenge, had behavioural problems from her life before I met her but she'd made such amazing progress during our time together. I can honestly say that when she went she was happy and knew she was safe and loved. Last summer was so wonderful, it was the first year I fully trusted her off lead around people and other dogs, we had such a fab time together going to some lovely places. She lived for her walks and I feel cheated that she won't get another fun summer exploring this year. We should have had a few more years together. It's too sad.

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand how hard it will be for you tomorrow. Will be thinking of you and wishing you strength.

@MimPimMim You are such a kind and thoughtful person. You always find the words to help everyone on this thread. I hope life is treating you gently. xx

Thank you @ilovecardigans, you too

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape I’ve been thinking of you today and sending you strength. I hope it has brought you some comfort to bring your girl home, where she belongs - I found some relief in that, at least. Sending you some peace for tonight.

@ilovecardigans @MimPimMim Thank you both for your messages. It was a tough day, retracing the route and remembering my promises to her, then being in the building where we were last together. I cried so much - I wanted my beautiful girl back, not a box in a bag... but the staff there were very respectful and kind. This may sound strange, but I have put her where she used to lie, and I can feel her spirit here again. I can't see her or feel her but I can sense her. Or maybe it's just late and I am tired. Thank you for being kind to me and thinking of me, even though you don't know me. I appreciate that so much.

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape That doesn’t sound strange at all, I felt exactly the same - it was heartbreaking to pick him up but I felt like he had come home. I still do. Be kind to yourself, it took me a good month before I was really able to hold myself together and longer that before the fog started to lift. Thinking of you and sending you strength - it does get better, I promise

@ClingFilmAndGafferTape xx

Hope you are holding up okay. It's such a hard road to travel. Sending you kind thoughts. 🐾💕

Hi Mim and Cardigans, thanks for your messages and kind thoughts. My darling dog is home now. She is in the corner with her toys. Not that she played with them but they were hers to ignore. The house is so quiet and still without her.

Can I ask, if you don't mind, and having still not read the full thread, what if anything you have done to commemorate your lovely dogs? I am looking at jewellery made with ashes and portraits. But nothing feels right because I don't want a piece of jewellery or a portrait, I just want her