Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

@spiderlight Thank you for asking about him, he was such a good boy. I don’t really know where to start - he made these noises when I was stroking him that we used to call his happy noises, he would rest his chin on my knee and look up at me with his big soulful eyes (sometimes for treats but mostly just for a fuss and to tell you he was there), he would lie next to me and place one paw on me as if to say that I was his person, during his last few months we let him sleep on our bed and he would curl himself up against me then match his breathing to mine - our little hot water bottle. He was so clever and handsome and cheeky and affectionate. He was my best boy and I miss him so much. I want to go back and have more time with him. I would give so much to get a little more time. The crematorium have just called to ask about our wishes and I’m struggling to take it all in - he was here and now he’s not.

He sounds absolutely lovely, and he was clearly so very loved. He was a very fortunate boy. My heart truly does go out to you. We lost one of our beloved dogs in 2014, with just four days from a cancer diagnosis to having to let her go, and our very special 16-year-old boy two years ago. There's honestly no pain quite like it, but it's sadly part of the deal when we open our hearts to a dog - we take on this pain at the end so they don't have to. Sending you a huge unMumsnetty hug and wishing I had magic words to make it hurt a little bit less. How's your little girl taking it?

She keeps finding things of his and then asking me where he is. I have just been telling her that unfortunately he’s not here, as she’s too little to understand anything else, but then she keeps going to look for him in all his usual spots. It breaks my heart both to watch her looking and to have tell her each time that he’s not here for her to find. I imagine she’ll adjust quickly as she’s so little but that makes my heart hurt as she has always absolutely adored him and to forget him seems so wrong. I suppose it will help to put his things away but I can’t bring myself to do that just yet. Even his water bowl is still out but it seems so final to empty it and know it won’t be filled up again. When does this all get any easier?

@spiderlight I’m sorry for your losses - I am trying to take comfort in the fact that our final gift to my boy was to his suffering and turn it onto ourselves.

@YouHadMeAtWoof How is your dog getting on today?

I had a water bowl down for weeks after, and found his bed really comforting (yes I got on it a couple of times!). It’s just overwhelming to think they’re gone, such a big part do every day and it’s real grief so unfortunately the only way to get through it is to go through it. Someone said to me we invite people into our company but dogs into our solitude. It takes time, OP. Handhold for you - he sounds like a lovely lovely dog.

It's 2 weeks tomorrow since we lost our beautiful girl and I can now just about mention her name without crying. It is such a painful loss and I know I will miss her and remember her always.
Your boy sounds absolutely gorgeous OP, he will definitely have known how loved he was and it sounds like he had a great life with you. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to remember all the happy times of which there will have been many.

@YouHadMeAtWoof sending you big hugs too. It is the worst decision to make but I'm so glad I was brave enough to make it for my girl. I know she was suffering.

"Someone said to me we invite people into our company but dogs into our solitude. "

This is so beautiful and true.

Sending you hugs, OP. It is so hard to lose a fur pal. My own 15yo hound is still with me, but not for long I fear.

I am so sorry for your loss and my heart for you right now is breaking 💔.
I lost my boy in August after thinking that he had picked up a cold thinking I was taking him to the vets to get an antibiotic to getting a phone call to say that he had cancer all through his little body and that they could try and drain fluid that had gathered and see where they could go from there.
I pleaded with them to do everything possible so that he came home to me and they did try.
He was treated from 10am until 2pm and then I got the call that crashed my works that nothing was improving and he was suffering 😭.
I wanted to be selfish and I was in a way I did ask for them to do something anything to get him better but there was nothing more they could do.
I got to go down and hold him while he passed talking to him all the time the vet also moved back so I was able to kiss his little head and just tell him how special he was.
He was also 13 and my first fur baby and not a day passed since that I have not cried for him.
It is grief as they are family without any doubt and prayers for you and your family and may the memories that you have gathered over the years help you find solace

@MimPimMim

So sorry
Sending love
They are precious parts of our lives. I still think about my first dog. My second girl is almost 9 and she is a huge part of our lives and really my fourth baby.,

Just allow yourself to grieve
That way you get to the point where one day there will be a smile in amongst your tears

They stay with you. Always
❤️

Thank you all for your comforting words - it is helping to be able to share and turn my grief outwards a bit. My husband is absolutely distraught (in 20 years together, I have never seen him like this) and this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I thought we’d get more warning that time was nearly up and we’d be able to spend a last day together doing all his favourite things. And saying a proper goodbye to him. Instead, I keep reliving the moment that he collapsed over and over in my mind - it is all I see when I close my eyes. I haven’t slept at all since then. I’m exhausted, I feel like I’m wading through a thick fog, but I can’t sleep. I know, intellectually, that one day this won’t hurt as much but I just want to climb into bed and not come out until it isn’t as bad. I don’t know how I go to work on Monday and act normally when my heart is broken. I want to howl and wail and give into it but I’m worried about unplugging my grief and making it worse for my husband. I both want to go forward in time until it hurts less and go back over and over for one last cuddle with my boy.

@Oliphanto What a beautiful phrase, I shall remember that - thank you. It is exactly that, he was so integral to the quiet parts of my life that I don’t know how I wrap the rest of my life around the enormous hole he has left.

@Soppyspanieleyes I am so sorry for your very recent loss - it must all still feel so very raw

@Dee261 Please don’t think you were selfish - you were in shock and you wanted to give him a fighting chance because you loved him but you made the right choice when you needed to. You did the bravest, kindest thing for your dog. I need to get to a place where I can sit with my happy memories but I just can’t get rid of my last images of him from my head. I don’t want to remember him like that.

@OnionsAreToxic Wishing you joy and love in the time you have left with your dog - which I hope is plentiful and filled with making happy memories.

Oh, you’ve brought a tear here OP. I remember it well - 5 months ago now. I do now smile at our favourite places and I’m almost at the point I can get a big photo put up etc, but his ashes are still in the house, his things in garage and I do relive his last day too much. But it does get easier and you do process it and the good memories come back in right over the top of the horrible moments you’re reliving now.

Be kind to yourselves, I really do feel for you. It’s such a different kind of loss - after all, some people can never get another!

Another dog has found me, one who had a bad start and is now working her way into my solitude. It’s a totally different relationship and one I didn’t imagine at all when grieving.

I sometimes think I must be mad to set myself up for it again, but I found I had to do something with the love, it kept me so busy cos she was bonkers on arrival and I suspect it’s going to be worth it EVEN knowing I’ll have to go through that again. I tell her about my beautiful boy too, and I love seeing black labs (which he was and she isn’t) out and about - though I secretly think they’re not a patch on the utterly perfect one I had

Such heart thieves, their only fault is they just don’t live long enough. But your gift to him was a good life and his gift to you is you can carry him with you. In time. Unmumsnetty hugs.

We still have our old boy's bed under our bed. I kept his toy box in the corner of the room where his bed had been, with his blanket folded on top of it - I couldn't have borne for that corner to be empty and no dog stuff around. Another sweet rescue boy found his way to us eight weeks later and we bought a new bed for him but he was delighted with all the toys that were already here.

@Oliphanto @spiderlight Thank you for carrying on talking to me about my lovely boy - today has been a worse day than yesterday and I feel utterly bereft. My mum has been over today (we’re her support bubble) to look after my toddler as I’m just not functioning. I think I’m in shock about how quickly it all happened, especially as we saw the vet on Wednesday morning who thought he was doing really well and then by the end of Thursday he was gone. I keep reliving it all over and over in my mind. I wish I had done things differently - if I’d known it was his last day then I wouldn’t have been at work, I wouldn’t have got stuck late on a call and missed precious time with him, I wouldn’t have worked in the evening when it was the last few hours we were ever going to get with him. I would have spent all day with him, doing his favourite things, telling him how much I love him and imprinting every last detail about him on my mind. I keep looking for him as if he is going to appear and, of course, he never does. I put my hand down earlier like he was there to stroke his head just as if by doing so then he would appear. I want him back with all of my being. I know it’s impossible but I want more time. I need more time and I can’t have it. My grief is overwhelming me and I just want my precious boy.

I only threw out my childhood dogs collar & lead last year , and he died in 1977. Sorry for your loss.

Oh love :( It's just all-consuming at first, it really is. They are such a part of the fabric of our lives, but when they go it's so stark. I lost my dad four weeks before we lost our old boy Archie, and when he went there were arrangements to be made and a funeral to plan, people sending flowers and cards - when a dog dies, there's none of that structure to guide you through the process, just boom, gone. So hard to comprehend.

With time, I promise you, you will be able to think back to all the happy times you had with him without this immense pain, and I truly believe that some part of them stays with us. My DH and I have both had very vivid dreams that have felt like visits - whether it's wishful thinking, I don't know, but it helps. You had no way to know that it was your last day with him yesterday, and as far as he was concerned it would have been just a normal, safe, familiar day. He will have known how dearly loved he was right to the end - that shines through so clearly in your posts about him that there's no way he wouldn't have.

I buried my best boy at the bottom of the garden and it took me years before I could even venture down there without dissolving. They shatter your heart into a thousand pieces. No matter how many years we get with our dogs, it's never long enough. Im so sorry for your loss.

Dogs know when you love them. He knew.

@MimPimMim
It is heartbreaking it really is.

@spiderlight your most recent post is just lovely and so true

Sorry for your losses too

I’m so, so sorry.
It happened exactly like that with my boy who had cancer too, last summer. He’d been going along fine after diagnosis, seeing the vet every month who was amazed at how well he was doing. Then it suddenly went drastically wrong for him. He too collapsed with a seizure, while he was happily eating his dinner. I managed to bring him round & thought he would be ok but it was not to be & , like your situation, my husband took him to the vet that evening as he was in a bad way & there was nothing more they could do. I was in absolute bits at the speed & felt I’d let him down by not being able to be with him.
I still miss him dreadfully, his little box of ashes is in the sitting room, can’t bear to part with him.
So I am so very, very sorry that you’re going through it too.

Dear Mim, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved boy. I really do feel your pain. We lost our deeply loved little old girl just over 3 weeks ago in similar circumstances and I've never known pain like it. I cry myself to sleep most nights and can't bear to tidy away her beds or toys (and like Oliphanto I've curled up on her bed...). It helps to look at photographs and talk about her funny antics with my husband, but when he's away at work the house feels so empty, I can't bear it. I walked for hours alone in the freezing cold yesterday just to get away from it.

It helps to be able to 'talk' to doggy people on here, I think. We all understand and there is an abundance of kindness & love which will envelop you gently.

So sorry op, that's so sad 😞

Every day he felt loved, safe and happy with you and your family, right to the very end. You did as much as you could and he was so, so lucky to be so loved so much. Huge hugs OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I cried every day for six months when our dog died, and I still miss him and the fun we had together very much, though we remember it happily now. It's awful that one of the family has such a short life compared to the others, but I'm sure you made it a very happy one and that's all any of us can do.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost beautiful 3 dogs over the years and I still miss them all. We now have another family dog who was rehomed to us asleep at my feet. They are all wonderful souls who give so much to us over the years, it is heartbreaking when we lose them. Thinking of you.