Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

@Oneearringlost I am so very sorry.

It is the last and kindest thing you can do for your boy and you and your children will comfort each other, just as you would when you say goodbye to any adored family member.

Thank you @muttsnutts and @spiderlight
I am so lost today. He was fine last week. And now he's gone and I loved him so so much.
It's clear we all understand here and that is so comforting.

Earrings I'm so sorry. Enjoy today and tonight - I enjoyed my day with my boy yesterday. He gave me a kiss before he went to sleep for the last time. I'm so lucky.

So sorry for jumping on the thread. I was going to start my own but I thought there was so much comfort on this one.

Love to you all - those of you who've ever felt what I feel today.

My boy

@DenisetheMenace Thank you. I hate seeing him in this much pain. I’ve never seen my husband like this before and I wish I could do more to help him. He wishes he could do more to make it hurt less for me, so I suppose it cuts both ways. Time is a funny thing - both the cause and the balm of pain. I am repeating the things that are being said on this thread to my DH. They are helping him as they are helping me.

@MuttsNutts Thank you - that is so comforting to know that you still dream about your girl and that it brings her back to you in a such a tangible way. I am so worried that I will forget the warmth of his body, the softness of his fur, the sound of his barks, his happy noises, the particular look he got when he tilted his head up at me as I stroked his head. I can’t bear to forget any of that. It was so hard this morning after seeing him in my dreams. I worry he won’t come back again. I am so desperate to see him. I know exactly what you mean about thinking that people will think you have gone a bit mad - we took my daughter out for a walk to a park where my boy used to go occasionally with his dog walker but where we had never been. It felt almost like doing something new with him. I realised I was trying to create new memories with him but without him. It is so hard coming home without him and not to him. I need an in between but I don’t know what that is.

@spiderlight Thank you for the link - the rainbows look beautiful. The lady on the website talks about your memories bouncing around the room as the light reflects off the rainbow. What a lovely, comforting thought.

@toomanypillows I am so so sorry. It is such an immense pain. I don’t know how I will ever get over it either. If it will help, and when you are ready, I will listen if you want to share how you are feeling or anything about your boy

Oh @Oneearringlost - I am so very sorry. Today most be horrendously bittersweet for you. No matter how long we have with them, it is never enough. And to know for how many years we was intertwined with your children’s lives must be a pain in and of itself, beyond your own pain. I will say that my mum has been wonderful - she seems to have known instinctively what to say, just by telling me that she is always here for me and letting me cry. Your children will be soothed by your presence and your words, I am sure of it. You are making the kindest, bravest decision for your boy and put your suffering ahead of his. He sounds wonderful. How lucky he is to have you and you to have him. I hope you get the chance to tell him everything you need to today and give him one last day of cuddles, kisses and strokes. I will be thinking of you tomorrow

@toomanypillows Please don’t be sorry about posting on this thread - it is the hardest thing and it is so important that we find support and comfort where we can. Please do share and talk here, it that helps - I will listen. I empathise so much at your shock of how quickly it happened, I am finding the speed at which he was suddenly gone so hard to get my head around. This morning, I kept thinking that it was exactly one week since his last appointment with the vet and she was so pleased with how he was doing, despite having had the first seizure the day before. None of us took it as a warning sign that he would be gone the next day, not even the vet. I had taken the morning off work to take him to his appointment. When we got back, I settled him in his bed and rushed off to a meeting. I wish I had stayed with him every minute while he was still here. I will never forgive myself for that. I know how hard it is when you think there is time and then suddenly there isn’t. You and your boy are in my thoughts. He sounds so lucky to have had you

@MimPimMim thank you for your generosity in your own grief.

I extend the offer to you. If you want to talk then my private messages are open to you. Reading your posts has really resonated with me - you have beautifully and eloquently written so many of the same thoughts I've been having and am having.

We are so lucky though aren't we?

I tweeted something just before we took him to the vets. I said

Dogs are angels sent to save us. And they can only burn bright for a short time.
It's ok. When they have to leave, they're fine
It's we who have their indelible paw print on our souls

And I've read it a few times since he left. I do believe it. Dogs are such beautiful souls.

My heart is sore today. My arms ache to hold him.

My beautiful boy.

I understand your grief and would love to talk about your boy.

@MimPimMim thank you, and no, we didnt start with writing our memories straight away, that took a while, but choosing a memory tea and coffee we did after a couple of days. At first we just used to sit and drink them together, and just take comfort in the silence and blankness of doing nothing, if that makes sense. I have a Fortnum and Mason tea blend, because the tins they come in are so beautiful, and they arent too extortionate for a special tea, the Lapsang I get is £10.95 for a 125g loose leaf tin, which lasts quite a while. I love Lapsang tea, and the colour of the tin is the same colour that PoleDogSr`s collar was. They do so many lovely teas.
It is such an awful time, and my thoughts remain with you, your beautiful boy really was the luckiest of chaps x

@toomanypillows I am so sorry, I hope that you manage to find some peace and comfort x

@Oneearringlost there are no words, it is so awful. My thoughts are with you today and tomorrow x

@toomanypillows Thank you so much - and likewise. We are very very lucky. That’s the wonderful, awful, bittersweet truth of it isn’t it - I’d do it all over again if I could. Time with my beautiful boy in exchange for this pain, I’d sign up in a heartbeat even knowing how immense the pain is now. Your quote is so comforting, thank you for sharing. I shall remember it. Dogs really are such beautiful creatures. It is just so sad that we cannot keep them for longer - that they are family members that we are destined never to grow old with. My heart is sore tonight too. I am wishing you peace and some rest tonight - and if that doesn’t come, some solace in the form of memories of your boy. He sounds wonderful

@PoleToPole Thank you - your kind words mean so much. The memory tea and coffee is such a comforting idea. I am going to suggest this to my husband, I think he would like this idea and I think it would do us both some good to sit quietly together with our thoughts and memories. I like the idea of slowly incorporating writing the memories together - in time, when it isn’t all so raw and painful. When I think about the memories now they are all so jumbled up together, all the extraordinary and wonderfully ordinary moments competing for space in my mind. My boy is everywhere in my mind and I want to savour him. My handsome, clever, cheeky, affectionate, funny, wonderful boy ❤️

@Oneearringlost Sending love and strength to you, your family and your beautiful boy today

@Oneearringlost Thinking of you all today

@MimPimMim How lovely you are to think of everyone else when still so consumed with grief yourself.

@Oneearringlost - thinking of you all this morning

@oneearringlost you are in my thoughts. So much love to you all

@MimPimMim thank you for your kind words.
I'm so so sad today. I don't quite understand how my heart can ever heal.

I keep telling myself how extraordinarily lucky I've been to have this boy in my life, and how utterly blessed every minute with him was - but the physical reaction takes over. I tell myself that, but the reality is I cannot reach out for him and it's devastating.

I didn't realise quite how many times I stroked him, held him, cuddled him, shouted for him, until he had gone. But my hands are lost and wandering. He was front and centre of my world.

I went for one of our walks yesterday without him and had his collar in my pocket so I could jangle it. I felt like an imposter - what's the point in walking if he isn't with me? But the collar noise comforts me as it has been the soundtrack to my life for 14 and a half years. I know he's not there but the familiarity of the noise helps with the physical reactions I'm having.

I feel sick and empty. I am losing his smell - I don't want to lose his smell but every minute it's fading. How can something that was so vibrant and vital and all encompassing be so suddenly gone? His smell was everywhere and now I'm struggling to grasp it. That set me off this morning.

I'm sorry to talk about myself so very much. I know so many of us are hurting here, but it helped me to read how some of you remembered your little friends and I hope that maybe this can be of comfort to someone else. It helps to write.

I love him so much. I will never get over this pain but I know in time I will smile again

I hope you're all OK today.

@toomanypillows Please keep writing if it helps. I will listen. I am finding that it helps to write too, and to share and listen to the many kind and understanding things that people have said. It helps to know that people understand. I have also been writing to my boy as well. Every evening for 15 minutes I go to sit on my bed, where we snuggled up at night with him and talk to him through my words. I treat it like a conversation, I tell him exactly what is in my heart. It makes me feel closer to him and gives me something tangible to channel the love for him towards. It is not anywhere near the same but it is soothing.

I understand absolutely how you are feeling. It has been a tough day today. They are all tough days at the moment. I keep thinking back to a week ago, when it was his last day and we didn’t know it. I would give so much to go back and do that day over again. I would stroke him, cuddle him, kiss him, soak him in. I would tell him everything I wanted him to know. I would tell him over and over that I love him. I would give him the last special day that we thought we’d get with him. I would savour every second.

I miss his smell too - I smell his bed every night and tell him I love him. I’m worrying that the smell of him is getting fainter. I miss the sound of him - I have been sleeping with his collar under my pillow and I jangle it in the morning, just to hear the familiar sound it would make when he did his morning stretch. I miss the feel of him. My hands reach out for him and he is not here. I worry that I will forget this warmth, his soft fur, the pads of his fur, how soft the inside of his ears where.

I tell myself that he is inside my heart and he will never leave me. That love remains. I hope one day telling myself that helps. At the moment, it all just hurts - I physically ache to be able to reach out and touch him or to call his name and see him appear next to me. I don’t think I quite realised how much the fabric of our lives was woven around him. We are undone without him.

I wish I had healing words for you. All I can say is that I feel your pain and I hear how much you loved your boy - he was so lucky to have been so loved

There’s a good article I found helpful online - it’s from New York Times and called Things I wish I had known when my dog died.

Hope you’re all ok.

Sorry for going AWOL. Bad couple of days. Thank you to everyone on here for your kind words, helpful advice (it really is helping) and empathy. So sorry for the posters who are experiencing the loss of their beloved companions.

I'm no stranger to grief, but this has knocked the wind out of me. I don't feel like the person I was and I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything. I don’t think I quite realised how much the fabric of our lives was woven around him. We are undone without him. Yes, that's it exactly, Mim. Time may mend the tear in the fabric, but the fabric will never be as it was - you will always see and feel the difference...

I have found this podcast a comfort. Nicky Campbell isn't usually my cup of tea, but he's done a super job here:

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/endless-love-gary-lineker-nihal-arthanayake-one-family/id1517275550?i=1000488132462

Much love and kind thoughts to you all. 💕

That article really resonates with me, Oliphanto. Thank you.

I'm still unshowered and sitting in my pyjamas. Oh dear...

Thank you for your thoughts, so, so kind. I will be brief as this is not my thread.
We said goodbye this morning.
DH, DS (21) and me. We all three were stroking him as he slipped into his last sleep with the sedative. We all were weeping. The vet was wonderful, calm, pragmatic but so caring and his words of reassurance that we were doing the right thing at the right time were deeply held and valued by us. These seemingly placatory words suddenly taken on huge value and tenderness.
It was watching my son which was the hardest
My daughter (23) did a video call last night and was in tears, luckily she has her lovely boyfriend.
My youngest DD (18) couldn't come, nor did she want to hear about it, she is grieving her way.
I just feel rather stunned, I can't believe he's not here. I'm just wandering around the house, aimlessly. I wish I could go back to this morning and stroke him again.
We watched as he stopped breathing.
He was 14 and a half, a King Charles Cavalier with the sweetest nature and heart in the world
I'll leave it there. Many thanks Mim for starting this thread about your beloved and for allowing me a way to express my sorrow.
"...And I, perchance, may therein comfort you". You have. And thank you to everyone else.

Awaiting the photo for the frame. The children gave him the bow tie on his birthday last year and he's worn it ever since.
This has helped.
Thank you, friends.

Oh, Oneearring, I'm so very sorry. It's so hard. So hard.

@Oneearringlost I am so very sorry for your loss. No words can make it any easier 😢

@ilovecardigans and @MimPimMim I remember the smell thing. I used to smell Tia's blanket and I was so worried I'd forget her smell. Or how silky her ears were.

I purposely used to do her favourite walks with the other dogs, so I could picture her in my mind running around. It hurt and made me cry, but it also kind of helped too. Anywhere that helped me feel close to her I wanted to be.

Dooley's liver biopsy shows no cancer. So he had a liver infection. Which is treatable. The vet said today Monday he was lying there unresponsive and they were sure they were going to loose him.

I know at his age I'm only delaying the inevitable and the fear of going through the pain of loosing him is awful. But it never out weighs all the years of love and devotion we get from them ❤️ that's why we keep on doing it

@Oneearringlost I am so sorry for you loss, there are no words really I am glad your vet provided comfort - you made the bravest, kindest choice for your boy when he needed it. Such an act of love. I wish you some peace tonight, if you can find it, and some solace, in time, through happy memories of your boy. My mum said to me that whilst you can still see them out of the corner of your eye, they are there keeping an eye on you as they know you need them. It helps me to think that, perhaps, my boy is still trying to comfort me now as he always did in life. Sending you comfort and hope ❤️

@Chesneyhawkes1 I am so pleased for you, I have been thinking of you and your little man - holding my breath for good news. It doesn’t matter their age or how long we have with them, all we want is more tomorrows. I am glad you have more tomorrows together. I keep thinking of my boys ears today, for some reason. I remember idly stroking them and marvelling at how soft they were. One ear of his used to flip back sometimes whilst he was sleeping and we’d watch him sleep like that. I am trying to imprint those memories on my brain.

@Oliphanto Thank you for sharing that article - full of truth, comfort and hope. It helps to know that people understand. I read somewhere that grief for a dog (or any beloved animal) is unrehearsed grief - we have no public template for how we should feel and for what we should do because this particular grief is often seen as less valid and so happens behind closed doors whilst people put on a brave face for the world. This thread has helped me kind and gentle with myself. I am not sure how to put on a brave face yet.

Oh @ilovecardigans - I am so sorry. I have also been taken aback by how much it hurts. I knew just how much I loved - love - him but, even so, the depth of my pain has stunned me. I relate completely to the fog you are in. My mum gave me the book The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse to provide some comfort at this time. In it, the boy says to the horse ‘I can’t see the way.’ ‘Can you see the next step?’ said the horse. ‘Yes.’ ‘Then just take that.’ I am trying to just take the next step, even if all I can manage for the next step is a deep breath. Please carry on posting on here, if it helps to write and talk. I will listen

I am dreading tonight - one week since my boy’s last night and when we lost him. I think I will have to steel myself to get through the evening. The what and the how and the why of what happened are all I can think about. This week now seems to have gone so quickly - how can it be a week already? We haven’t yet had the call to pick up his ashes and I feel an overwhelming urge to bring him home. I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about getting through this evening, although I know that the hurdles are all psychological and, really, this is nothing to be afraid of. It’s hard not be afraid.

And @Oneearringlost - please do continue to post it helps you to share how you feel or to talk about your boy. He sounds wonderful, how lucky for you to have found him and him to have found you ❤️

@Oneearringlost If it helps that should say...

You are such a lovely wonderful group of people.
@Oneearringlost I'm so sad for you. It sounds just like when our boy went to sleep on Tuesday (can it only be 2 days?)

I have reached out to some dear friends to me today who have helped enormously and there is a strange comfort in reading all of the words on this lovely thread - even though I would much rather none of you felt the pain, I feel comforted by the shared grief. Does that make sense?

Our boy (also 14.5) slept on the bottom of our bed - he always had ever since an operation 6 years ago when we couldn't leave him alone at night. We couldn't get rid of him after 😅
Last night we put some dark clothes in a little pile on the bottom of the bed, just so there's a visual essence of him. We know it's not him and it doesn't "fool" us, but as DH said "without him, the landscape of the bedroom is unfamiliar. The little dark patch of something makes the landscape seem familiar again"
If it was clear it would be too empty and not feel right. The little patch makes it feel right.

I am so loathe to vacuum the rug he usually lay on. I know it's gross and it will be full of his hair if I look to closely, but it feels a bit too final.

You have all helped me enormously. @MimPimMim you are doing so well - your boy sounds like an amazing little pal.

If I can be of any comfort in any way to any of you, please reach out. This thread (while I desperately wish I wasn't on it) is just so calming.

Thank you so much, Mim. It really does help to read and post here, even though I end up in tears every time! I just feel desperately sad for everyone. 💔

I'm so relieved to hear your positive news, Chesney. They all break our hearts eventually, but I'm sure you will enjoy many more happy times together and that's what you have to focus on.

toomanypillows, gosh I get that (about the rug). We have a big open-plan living room with glass patio doors which open directly to the garden. Roxy was such a clever girl - she would trot up to the doors and ask to be out (even to the end) and the glass is still covered with her nose boops. I may be mad, but I will have to ask the window cleaner not to clean that side of the glass when he next comes. At least for now anyway.

If I listed all the many, many things I miss about Roxy, I would go on forever. But, those ears were special. Like butterfly wings. And they smelt of honey (or buddleia blossom). I will end up sniffing every single buddleia bush I walk past this summer...