Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing OK.
It was 6 weeks yesterday since we lost J, and I had a really challenging weekend for some reason. I really felt his loss again and struggled.

But last night, a lovely friend of mine came to my house (we doorstep distanced) and brought a sculpture of J that her boyfriend had created for us, to put in the garden.
It's J's exact silhouette

It's so beautiful and was so thoughtful. We've put him in the garden (where he always loved to be) and when I look out of the window, the landscape is right now.

It gave me so much peace. I actually felt at peace last night.

I still cry, daily, but I have some sort of acceptance now and I think it is the kindness of friends and the visual of my baby.

Hope all of you are finding your own peace x

I'm
So sorry
Your pain will be acute. It will physically hurt you. It will dim though. We lost our dearest dog 2.5 years ago and got a new pup 4 months later. Even now I almost well up thinking of his predecessor. But I also often think of him sitting at new pup's shoulder telling him what to do and what not to do and how much we loved him.
I have kept his ashes and he's going into the ground with me. New pup ( now a hefty 2 year old) will go on with DH.
God we love our dogs don't we? They are often what bind our families together in the toughest of times and celebrate our joys with us through the language of tail wagging
Oh gosh xxxx

@toomanypillows oh the sculpture sounds lovely I’d love to see a photo of it ❤️
We have hung a little metal paw shaped hanging in the conifer near our patio and it’s a lovely reminder of our boy.

Like you it’s 6 weeks today for us. Sooo hard. I still cry every single day but I suppose we are simply getting used to Ben not being around anymore. Then occasionally it will knock me for six that I won’t see my beautiful boy again and it’s like a full body blow.

@scentedgeranium your lovely words made me cry - your old boy sitting at your new pups shoulder - that’s beautiful and gives me a kind of hope that we will feel better in time and be able to open our hearts to another lovely dog. Thank you ❤️

I hope you too are finding some peace everyone . Sending love xxx

The hard thing as you all know is that shocking feeling that you won’t see them again. It’s unbelievable and breaks you in two. That still sweeps over me and takes my breath away.

Absolutely, Benji. I find that I function reasonably well during the day when I can keep busy and active, but the evenings are a struggle and I especially dread bedtime as I often lie awake for what feels like an eternity. It's the long, dark night of the soul and it's when I miss her the most.

Much love to you all. x

Picked him up today. It's so comforting to have him back home. Spent ages wondering which would be the best spot for him. Have had a little chat and am sure will do so regularly. Have been to work, usually there on my own so that's ok, Can't bring myself to walk around the village. Can't face the questions yet. Love to you all going through this

I’m glad I found this thread. I thought I was going mad with the grief of losing my boy. He’s been my shadow for 12 years, the biggest character, the funniest dog I’ve ever know. He leaves such a gaping hole and I have huge guilt over the way he died. I don’t know how to move forward or even how to stop crying all day. It helps to know that others feel the same way, although I am desperately sorry for you all.

@scentedgeranium Thank you for your kind words and I’m so sorry for your loss. It brings me some comfort to think that your boy is still so clearly with you. I remember all the details of my beautiful boy so vividly and I worry that I will start to forget. I can’t bear the thought of that but you have reminded me that they live on with you. Thank you 💕

@sweetgenevincent1 I am glad it has brought you some comfort to bring your boy home and I hope it continues to do so. Before I leave the house now, I tell my boy to look after the house just in the same way that I always told him that before we lost him - it helps to keep up some of the familiar things, in a bittersweet kind of way. I had a silly voice that I used just for him (and he would get so excited - I can picture his wagging tail and doggy smile now) and I still chat to him in the same way now. It sounds funny but I can almost physically feel him with me, somehow. It gives me hope.

@Rach247 I am so so sorry for your loss It is agony. I wish I had some healing words for you but please know that people do understand - I know exactly how you feel, including the guilt. I try to remember that the guilt is part of the grief and your grief is testament to how much you love him. And it is clear that you love him very much. How lucky he was to have you and you to have had him. Sending you the strength to go through it, one day at a time. I’m thinking of you

@Dublincailin I hope the days are getting easier, I have been thinking of you

@ilovecardigans @toomanypillows @Benji13 I have been having a bit of a digital detox but have been thinking of you all. I hope you are all finding some peace. It is two months for us today and I still think about my boy all the time. I think of the many (and oh there are so many) happy memories and I hold him close in my mind. I know that he is with me, always, and that brings me comfort. There are better days and there are worse days but it feels a little less raw now, which helps. I feel him still with me and I dream about him often. I let myself think that somehow I will see him again and I hope that’s true. I remind myself that love doesn’t disappear, it transforms - he has taken a piece of me with him but left a piece of him with us. And what a fair bargain - this grief in exchange for all the love and happiness. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. How lucky we were and are. I am thinking of you all and sending you love ❤️

Thank you @MimPimMim,

I am not sure if they are. The only way to get through is to not think about it, but then I'm wracked with guilt. The memories and reminders are everywhere.

I am still waiting for my beautiful boy to come home. They said about 3 weeks so I will email today. I need to fulfil my forever home promise. That will be bittersweet.

@Rach247

I won't be of any use to help you but the ladies are much more together than me. Just know I do understand exactly how you feel and this is a safe place to express your grief with people who understand.

I understand what @QueenPaw said about been homesick. It's how I feel. He was my strength, my security, my safe place.

I don’t know how to pick myself up enough to get through the days. I’m on maternity leave and my young children should be a good distraction, but I’m just too sad. I can’t get my heart high enough to play and be normal. The days and weeks are stretching ahead with nothing to look forward to or to distract me.

I so strongly relate to everything you’ve all said, especially @MimPimMim

It’s just exactly how I feel and I can’t see a way forward.

And of course, when we’re upset, our dogs are the ones we want most of all for comfort.

@MimPimMim just dropping in to let you know that my beautiful boy was pts on Monday. I collected his ashes today. I am bereft

Oh @OnionsAreToxic, I am so sorry I really hoped you would have more time together - I do hope you were able to make some more memories to treasure in the time you did have. It is so hard when we lose them, they leave such a gaping hole in our hearts and our homes. We know we have made the kindest, bravest choice for them and yet it is still agony. I am thinking of you during these early, awful days and sending you a handhold. I hope, in time, you can find some peace in the good memories and the love - which, I have come to realise, never leaves us 💕

@Rach247 I have been thinking of you this last week and hope some of the initial shock has started to subside, I know it took a while for me. I found it difficult to keep myself in a good place when I was playing with daughter in the early days. At first, it’s pretend as you are breaking inside and then their joy and exuberance becomes your salvation, as someone wiser than me said upthread. I’m still thinking of you as you get through these first few horrible weeks - keep going, hour by hour, day by day. You can do it

Hi everyone. I haven’t visited our thread for a while. I’m sorry. I am sorry for all the others who have been affected by the grief of losing their fur baby. It’s been 15 weeks and two days since my Sooty gained her wings. Her bed and water bowl are still in same place. I’m too weak to move anything.
I have done something amazing. Sooty was a breed of terrier you dont see much . We didn’t know until we did some research after she passed. We joined the breed Facebook group and found it so amusing seeing those beautiful pooches doing weird doggy stuff. Before I knew it I had contacted the ( few) breeders in uk. I was delighted when a lady contacted me, said she felt for me and had just had puppies and I could have one. My baby is four weeks old now, I get daily videos and updates. It fills me with joy. He will never take my girls place but we love him so much already. I can’t wait to meet him. I feel sadness and joy together. I am definitely going to cry when I hug him but I have so much to share with him and tell him about my lovely girl.
Hugs to you all. Hoping the beautiful weather will bring back wonderful memories x

I'm so glad for you, curly. How lovely to have some happy news.

I haven't visited for a while, but I have been thinking of you all still. It's been just over 13 weeks for us and mostly I'm okay, but I have days when I'm just consumed with loss and grief and can't face the world. Today was one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Love to you all and wishing you a peaceful Easter. x💕🐾🌸

@ilovecardigans

I'm so glad for you, curly. How lovely to have some happy news.

I haven't visited for a while, but I have been thinking of you all still. It's been just over 13 weeks for us and mostly I'm okay, but I have days when I'm just consumed with loss and grief and can't face the world. Today was one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Love to you all and wishing you a peaceful Easter. x💕🐾🌸

Hello, I understand why today was hard, I felt it too. On sunny family days we have the most memories. X

@ilovecardigans

I'm so glad for you, curly. How lovely to have some happy news.

I haven't visited for a while, but I have been thinking of you all still. It's been just over 13 weeks for us and mostly I'm okay, but I have days when I'm just consumed with loss and grief and can't face the world. Today was one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Love to you all and wishing you a peaceful Easter. x💕🐾🌸

You have to breathe through those awful days. You can come through it. I am a member of the uk corgi Facebook group too. They are also a breed I adore. You should join and just smile watching those beauties. Hugs x

I finally collected my L last night. How has 6 weeks passed without him?

My heart is breaking all over again.

Hi everyone. Sorry I've not been on here for so long - I came off most of social media to be honest, as I have just been in a different headspace.

It's been 10.5 weeks since we lost J. Not a day has gone by where I haven't cried at some point. It is less all-consuming now, but when the grief hits (and it does, every day) it hits just as hard as it did in those first few days.

I know you all understand, and I've been trying to put it into words but I'm not sure I can. He was so vital and so real and so important to my daily landscape. Having over 2 and a half months where he's not been here is just so alien. I still can't quite believe it - every now and then I go to give him the end of a sausage, or put something in his bowl. I've found myself reaching for him, just as a visceral muscle memory. Sometimes I go into a room and it hits me that the reason I've gone in, is because I was going to him.

I still remember how he felt in my arms. What it was to have him look at me. When I was sad or angry or down or just in need, he was always right there. Oh to have that again. I always appreciated him, and I loved him heart and soul, but I never realised how big the hole in my heart was going to be when he left. Nothing even comes close to plugging it.

I always thought I would have another dog when the time was right...and maybe I still will. But right now, it's only him I want and nothing else is going to come close. I just want my J and knowing that I can never have him again is just so heartbreakingly final, I don't know what to do.

This thread helped me so much in those early weeks and I want to thank you all. I'm so sad for those of you who have joined. It's a sad group to be a part of, but it's comforting to know that there are some people who get it.

I miss him so much.

Thanks so much, curly, all hugs very gratefully received. I'm very fond of corgis, so I'll have a look at that Facebook group. Coincidentally, this little chap popped up on We Rate Dogs today and he did make me smile!

twitter.com/dog_rates/status/1380293325182279680

Everything you've written resonates with me, pillows. This thread has been a great comfort and I'm very grateful for the kindness, openness and support of everyone who has posted.

Much love to you all. x 🐾💕

you have to think of them no you,its a killer i know been their several times,remember the good times sending a hug xx

Hi everyone,

11 weeks for us yesterday, I think about my beautiful boy all the time and miss him so much. It feels like an eternity since I last saw him and yet no time at all. I remember him so vividly - I can still see him, hear his barking, listen to his little noises, smell the wonderful smell of him and his biscuity paws, feel his soft fur under my fingertips, his wet nose against my face. I can still feel him with me and I truly believe he is. That helps - it’s not enough but it helps.

I’ve found out that I’m expecting our second child (early days still but I feel like we have shared so much on this thread so I hope no one minds me sharing some good news!) and have been horrendously sick with it. It makes me miss my boy even more, as he looked after me during my last pregnancy as I had hyperemesis then too - he spent nine months cuddling up to me and just being there. I need him now too and he’s not next to me. It continues to break my heart every day. He is - and always will be - a part of our family, I can’t shake the feeling that he should be here. I try to remember that he is always is - love never leaves us, after all.

I think of you all and this thread often - it has given me such support and sanctuary when I have needed it the most ❤️ Sending much love, strength and comfort to you all - you are a wonderful group of people and I could not be more grateful for your kindness. Thank you

@MimPimMim can be the first to congratulate you on your wonderful news.

He is there watching over you. When you are sick he is beside you, just like first pregnancy. He is lying beside you just been your comfort.

It's not enough, it's never enough but he is there supporting you.

You have a new life coming and someone who you get to tell all about your boy as he was your family.

He will never be forgotten

Thank you, Dublin ❤️ One of the benefits of early pregnancy is the vivid dreams so I see my boy almost every night and when I wake up it is just like we were together only a minute ago. Bittersweet but it helps, somehow. I like to think that he is checking in on me. Sleep well beautiful boy, see you in my dreams 🐾 🐾

Dear Mim, I'm so pleased to hear your lovely news. There's no doubt that your boy is still watching over you. x 💕🐾

'Dogs are our link to paradise' - Milan Kundera