@Benji13 I have been hoping that you are doing ok - I saw a dog in the park this morning who looked just like the pictures of your Ben and I thought of you 
It really is a tough old road. I still see my boy out of the corner of my eye all the time, I think he knows that I still need him around. And he was in my dreams last night - it was brief but in it he heard his dog walker come through the door and he went bounding off to see her, happily heading out the door to have a walk with all his doggy friends. In the dream, I felt peaceful - I knew he was out having a lovely time and I knew he would come home to me. Whether or not it’s true, I find that a comforting thought now - he is somewhere safe and warm, having a lovely time, and eventually I’ll see him again. I hope so, anyway. Have you thought anymore about doing something as a memorial for Ben? We have found the rhododendrons that we will order and they should bloom this year, around his birthday - he would have been 13 then and I really thought he would make it. I still can’t believe he hasn’t. I do believe he stayed with us as long as he was able and he would have stayed longer if he could. I feel him with me all the time and that helps. I’ll be thinking of you tonight and hoping that the evenings soon start to feel a little less bleak
@ZaraCarmichaelshighheels Thank you for your kind words, it means so much ❤️ And you are spot on - a day was exactly how long my work thought it was acceptable to be sad for and then expected me to be straight back to normal. Grief for a loved one - a family member - doesn’t work like that for most people and my boy was most definitely a part of our family. We were a family of four and now we are three. You don’t just recover from that overnight. It has meant so much to me that people on this thread have understood and empathised. There has been so much kindness here, which has truly helped. I wish you many many more days making happy memories with your dog and I hope you can enjoy it without thinking of the hard times ahead. Dogs bring such joy to our lives and live in the now with that joy - it’s harder for humans to do that too without apprehension of what is around the corner. I hope your road together is long before you reach that corner - your dog sounds so lucky to have you 💕
@Dublincailin I am so sorry for your loss It is the most immense agony. The immediate days afterwards are unbearable. I remember collapsing to the floor the morning after we lost our boy and just howling. I couldn’t move, it hurt so much. I promise you, I know exactly how you feel and you don’t have to get a grip. And I don’t mind telling you that it has been five weeks for us and I also still have all my boy’s things out. It makes the house seem less empty of him. I am very sorry about his bedding, that must have been awful. But know he can’t be eroded - he is in your mind and in your heart, and no one can take that from you.
I wish I had some healing words for you. I can say that five weeks in, the fog is lifting a little bit - which makes me feel guilty but also helps me cope a bit more day to day. I am laughing more at the funny memories of him and I smile, as well as cry. It sounds funny but I can almost physically feel him with me, even though he is no longer here. It’s like he has imprinted on my soul and I can feel that he is part of me. Upthread, someone said that it is like her boy was in another room but that that room was in her mind. I understand that a bit more now.
I have found writing to my boy helps - I do it everyday and it gives me time to spend with just him again, remembering all the little details. The wonderful ordinary, extraordinary moments that made up our lives together. I tell him that I miss him and I love him. We are thinking about how we do a memorial for him. My toddler has a picture of him in her room that makes me smile when I see it. I also called the Blue Cross pet bereavement support line on a couple of occasions, once when I was so panicked about him not being here that I couldn’t breathe, and they were lovely. Speaking to his vet also helped. She knew him and us well, which helped to give me reassurance. It’s baby steps unfortunately, just keeping going one horrible step after another.
And your boy absolutely knew how much you love him. The guilt is a part of the grief and you didn’t give up on him. You did him a great kindness by making the brave choice for him, even when letting him go was the last thing you wanted to do. There is no greater love than that and love that deep embeds itself. Your dog will have known every single day how much you love him. Post here if it helps to talk about him, I understand and I will listen