Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Oh he’s lovely Dublin, what beautiful markings. Thinking of you tonight

He’s beautiful Dublin

Every morning at this time, I wske up. The silence is deafening.

He would get up around time to go outside to go to toilet. I would wake to him pottering around.

I went into office today. I had to go in. I was pretty much on my own.

I feel so guilty, there is no trace of L in there for a while I felt normal and I don't want him thinking I don't love him and miss him.

My DS spent the whole weekend drinking to forget. I think he has a lot of regrets. He moved out for over a year and when he moved back L had really slowed down plus L had moved into my room and never moved back.

My friends all found excuses not to see me this weekend. They all made plans with me for each day and each one let me down.

I am still been told to get over it. Dam I wish I could.

He was collected for cremation today. Not sure when I get him home.

People in the main area shit Dublin I’m so sorry they let you down and that they have no empathy, it might be worth calling the Blue Cross Bereavement line, it’s clear you have no support or understanding from anyone and as much as online support can be a comfort, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone, here is their number 08000966606. I really hope you can find some peace soon

I am awake as usual, L usual toilet break.

@ZaraCarmichaelshighheels, I'm in Dublin, I can't ring them. I did take @MimPimMim advice and email them but I didn't hear from them.

I have his Christmas blanket in bed with me. Only one left his smell is not on it and have his collar beside me on his pillow.

I’m really sorry that you are struggling for real life support Dublin, people largely just don’t understand. They haven’t been lucky enough to experience the bond with a dog that you have. I’m not sure when you emailed them but the Blue Cross can take up to a couple of days to respond to emails I think. They also have a live chat service (open same hours as their phone line), which might be worth a try. It could also be worth having a look for anything similar in Ireland - a quick google showed up a service called Solace Pet Loss Ireland? They look like they have lots of good resources and a number you can call. That might be worth a try. I’m thinking of you and sending you strength, keep putting one foot in front of the other

Thank you @MimPimMim.

I found solace last night and saved their number. I am going to ring them today.

I should be trying to support you all as well but I can't hold it together to help anyone.

I had my beautiful old boy pts this afternoon. I'm undone. Too soon to say much but this thread has been such a comfort. Love to you all, He was a rescue dog and we had him from one year.

He was 14 1/2

@sweetgenevincent1
I am so sorry to hear that. It's a horrific pain that so many do not understand.

When you are ready this thread is waiting.

When you are ready the ladies on this thread will give you the platform to express that grief.

cailin and gene, I'm so sorry. If all you can do is manage to keep breathing right now, then you're doing pretty well. I've lost both my parents and some very dear friends in recent years, but I was quite unprepared for the utter desolation I experienced when I lost my dog. The first week was particularly horrendous.

Two months on and I still feel an unfathomable depth of sadness, but I am able to function on a day-to-day basis. I think about her every hour of every day and I miss everything about her. QueenPaw put it so perfectly - I was homesick, but she was my home and I couldn't go there.

I found this in a recent newspaper article and I hope it helps a little:

I told her every day that I loved her, but sometimes I wonder if it was enough. The grief feels like an emotional accounts system, with the pain directly proportional to the joy I had when I was with her. I owe her this immense grief, because she gave me so much love and such an incredible life. I’m grateful that I get to keep the memories of the joy, which will never go away.

Much love to you all. 🐾💕

Cardigans Thank you, that sums up exactly how I feel ❤️ I have been thinking of you and hoping that you are ok. Sending you hugs and much love 💕

Dublin I hope you have managed to get in touch with someone to talk to in real life. It really does help to have someone to offload to that understands and that you can talk it through with. I am sure that the days don’t feel like they are getting any easier yet but they will and, in the meantime, I hope you can find some solace in your wonderful memories of your boy

@sweetgenevincent1 I am so so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you feel and it is just the most unbearable pain. It is six weeks tomorrow for us without my beautiful boy and Cardigans puts it perfectly above - I miss him so much but I am managing to function better on a day to day basis now, whereas at the beginning I could barely move from the grief. I can talk about him sometimes now without crying and looking at the pictures /videos brings me comfort alongside the grief. My boy is in my heart and my mind, always. I feel like I can sense him with me, which helps. Your boy sounds so loved, how lucky for you to have found each other. I am thinking of you and sending you love, strength and a massive handhold

I have been thinking of you too, Mim. It really doesn't get any better, does it? You just find a way to function in this horrible new normality, but it's so bloody hard.

I would give anything to have her back with me. Anything.

I have L collar on his pillow beside me. It keeps slipping down to where L would put his head.

I had 2 really busy days in work, which is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I am distracted and a curse because when I stop the guilt crashes in.

It's a week tonight and I am dreading it. How could it be a week since I last saw my boy already?

I am back working from home and he would lie beside me his head just waiting for my hand to move down and he would push his head into my hand for a rub. That won't happen today.

DS and friends keep walking where L's bed should be and I want to scream at them that's L's walk around it they way we did when he was here. But I can't because they don't feel the same.

I am replaying my last precious day with my boy. I can see him lying in his spot asleep with his legs lying out in front of him and head right up beside my desk.

I had to work that morning, but I downed tools at 1 and got washed and dressed and got him ready to have a last trip to the beach. He wasn't there for very long but I got some pictures. I just have none with me or with both my son and him.

I wish I had more pictures, loads more pictures.

I worked from home most of last year. Even though I didn't actually spend one on one time with him, was he happy to just have me near? To have a snooze and to hear me tapping or talking away when he woke?

Hi all. I've been absent from the board for a couple of weeks as a poster but have been reading. So sorry to see our numbers swelling, but so very glad that there is such a welcome place for us all to be.

Just over 5 weeks since J left us. He's still everywhere I look. I still feel him.

The visceral pain is subsiding but not a single day has gone by where I haven't cried for my boy.

I think it is getting better in some ways. But every day is a step further away from the last time I held him and that pain will stay with me forever.

So much love to all of you. Thus board has been such a comfort and continues to be x

Oh Cardigans, I know exactly how you feel It’s hard. Really hard. Especially on the really tough days, if that makes sense. I’m functioning better but it all just takes so much effort. My toddler helps but once she’s in bed then I just run out of steam. I keep just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding on. Nothing else to do but that really. I’m thinking of you and your girl 💕

Pillows I’ve been thinking of you and hoping that you are managing. I know just how you feel - my boy is everywhere, which makes it both harder and easier at the same time. I see him out of the corner my eye often and sometimes think I hear him - I like to think he knows that I need him to keep an eye on me. He was always such a good boy that I know he’d want to stay close. It’s six weeks tonight for us and I still cry a lot too. But I think it’s important to let myself feel my grief and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I hope you are being kind to yourself in whatever way helps you

Dublin I read this today and found it comforting:
There is not so much ‘moving on’ as ‘moving forwards’. And as you move forwards, you always do so with your loved one by your side, in your heart, within your very breath. They are a part of you now and always. You move forward with them.
That really resonates with me and gives me some hope for the inevitable moving forwards without my boy. I am thinking of you tonight, the one week anniversary is very hard

@MimPimMim, yesterday was so bad I rang Solace. She talked to me for 2hrs. She gave me huge reassurance that my beautiful boy will be cremated alone and it is him that will come back him. This is the closest I can do to keeping my promise of a forever home.

A friend came up last night to distract me.

I still feel so much pain and I am made feel stupid for crying over my beautiful L.

7 long days without my support. I feel bereft and adrift. I am the strong one in my group of friends, but I took strength from him and his love.

I genuinely do not remember our lives without him. He became intertwined in every decision.

I am also taking comfort that he reached a longer age than was ever predicted with all his health issues. It was expected 9yrs but he would have been 15 in April. The vet told me that was due to the constant care and the good food he was given.

@MimPimMim I had a diary which I got for Xmas I hadn't used. I bought special pens and I wrote my darling boy last night. Told him I loved him, I missed him and I desperately want to see him again, to please visit me in dreams. I also told him he was coming home, he would always have a home with me.

I found it comforting. I am still crying every day but I am trying to not let it overwhelm me.

@toomanypillows I want time to stop and for me to just lie with him in bed scratching his ears absentmindedly while I read. I don't another day to start cause it's another day he won't be here. It's another day away from hugging and talking to my beautiful boy.

Around this time last year we had a scare with my lovely boy and took him to the vet thinking the worse,so I feel,I have had a bonus year.

On tues I know we did the right thing for him. We could have maybe hung on a few days but there would have been no dignity or quality for him.it woild have been a selfish act. Doesn't make it any easier.

I hear him all the time. Just the house making noises I suppose. Sometime I forget. All his things are still around and his personal sofa which he spent a few hours on each evening is out of my line of vision when I'm watching tv so I can almost pretend he's there.

My husband is a wreck. Ok one minute then he says the grief just overwhelms him. Luckily he has his own business and I work for him a few days so we don't have so much pressure that way

I just can't wait to get his ashes back so he's home where he belongs

@sweetgenevincent1, I'm the same, need my beautiful boy home.

Hello lovely people
I’ve not posted for a little while but been reading your messages.
Sending love and strength to everyone who is missing their best friends. It’s a hard and long road.

For us its been 5 weeks on Wednesday since our beloved boy was last here. I miss him every minute of every day and it’s so incredibly hard. I’ve had a couple of lovely dreams where I’ve given him a lovely cuddle, it was so good to feel him.

On Tuesday evening I joined a small group meditation on zoom with a medium lady I saw with a large group before the pandemic. It was a very relaxing meditation session then after half an hour I was surprised that she gave messages to a few people - me included. Now I’ve never really been into this stuff but she said she had my nan there and said things from the past then she said there’s a dog here with your nan! She was with you when the dog passed over recently. He’s ok he’s still around and still sometimes sleeps on your bed. Another dog will come to you your nan says.
Well do you know I found that incredibly comforting. The thought of my boy with nan ( who loved dogs) helps.
I hope he’s ok.

Some of the words above are very comforting too, knowing you guys understand helps. This board has helped so much.
The hard thing as you all know is that shocking feeling that you won’t see them again. It’s unbelievable and breaks you in two. That still sweeps over me and takes my breath away.

Like you @ilovecardigans I would give anything just to have Ben back here - even for 5 minutes just a visit to tell him how much we miss him and love him - anything 💔