Dog PTS tonight - I am devastated

[MimPimMim]

My beautiful boy was PTS suddenly tonight - he had a seizure on Tuesday which the vet thought was a one off and then collapsed again with seizures tonight, which didn’t stop until he was sedated at the emergency vet. He had been diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago but the vet thought he had a good number of months to go. It has all happened really suddenly - I was cuddling him at 10, he collapsed at 10.30 and was gone by 11.45. My poor husband had to take him to the emergency vet with my boy having seizures in the car - I couldn’t go as we have a toddler and someone needed to stay with her. My heart is broken and breaking for him - he was nearly 13 and we have had him since he was a puppy. I can’t believe he is gone and I can’t believe I couldn’t be with him at the end. I am thankful my husband could (especially as we are in lockdown) but i just hope he knew how much I love him too. I miss him already and can’t believe he has gone. I don’t really know why I am posting this, I supposed I am in shock and just so sad. How can he not be here anymore? My heart feels broken - I know we made the kindest decision for him but I just can’t believe this has happened.

Hello all
So it’s 3 weeks tomorrow since I last saw our boy. This was his last nights sleep at home, I wish I’d known I would have held him all night. He wasn’t well that night but he had been so up and down for the previous 2 weeks that we sort of took it in our stride. If only we had known it literally breaks my heart.
Every day we are a little bit further away and i hate it.
Life’s so bloody dull. No doggy smiles, or cuddles.
Thinking of you all. Hoping our friends are having fun up there. That’s the only thought that gets me through.
I’m still beating myself up thinking about the goodbye we said in the vets. He smiled and licked out tears away. What truly kills me though is that when the vet put the injection into the Canula he whined and cried - I’m so scared he was saying no don’t do this to me. My dh says it feels cold going into the vein that was all, but it’s haunting me. 😞

Thank you for checking in pink houses, I really appreciate it. It is just miserable. I keep waiting for the bit where I am beginning to feeling better and it doesn’t arrive. I’d like to remember the good memories without bursting into tears. It’s hard. And there’s not much real life support so it helps to know that people understand, awful as it is. Thank you ❤️

benji I feel the same. I keep remembering new things, things I wish I had or hadn’t done, that make me feel even more desolate. It’s four weeks for us on Thursday and I can’t bear that it is nearly four weeks since we were all together. I keep reliving the last bit as well. I’m still having to fall asleep whilst I’m watching something as otherwise it all plays on repeat through my mind and I start to panic. I know we made the kindest choice - the only choice really - for my beautiful boy and I try to take solace in that. I hope you can too. You made the hardest, bravest, kindest choice for your boy. Such an act of love. I read something today that talked about ‘heart’ animals - animals that you have such a deep bond with that it is like you were made for each other. My boy was - is - my heart dog and it sounds like Ben was yours too. How lucky we are to have had them. Our grief is the size of our love. Thinking of you tonight and sending you some peace

Mim, thank you. x

@Benji13

Hello all So it’s 3 weeks tomorrow since I last saw our boy. This was his last nights sleep at home, I wish I’d known I would have held him all night. He wasn’t well that night but he had been so up and down for the previous 2 weeks that we sort of took it in our stride. If only we had known it literally breaks my heart. Every day we are a little bit further away and i hate it. Life’s so bloody dull. No doggy smiles, or cuddles. Thinking of you all. Hoping our friends are having fun up there. That’s the only thought that gets me through. I’m still beating myself up thinking about the goodbye we said in the vets. He smiled and licked out tears away. What truly kills me though is that when the vet put the injection into the Canula he whined and cried - I’m so scared he was saying no don’t do this to me. My dh says it feels cold going into the vein that was all, but it’s haunting me. 😞

I know all these rubbish feelings. My baby was already asleep when we got there. She didn’t even flinch. I still thought the vet would come out with a miracle cure. I kissed her goodbye but she wasn’t aware. I didn’t know it was our last day either. My head is full of this stuff. It so hard. Let’s keep chatting here. We are all feeling like this x

I remember this. I wasn’t with my boy at the end. It was my poor dh and my teen ds. My dh has never got over it and we can never talk about our boy in front of him.
Is there any way you could turn your minds away deliberately from thinking about the end, just to give yourselves some respite? Your minds are searching for an answer, trying to make sense of something, but you are not responsible and did everything you could. Do not allow guilt in here.

Hi everyone.
It was 3 weeks yesterday that we lost J. I had an interview yesterday so I went out for a long walk in the morning to clear my head and get ready.
I did go somewhere that we used to take J but not our "usual walk." Currently there are only so many options, so it's inevitable that I end up somewhere I used to take him.

A lovely dog came bounding up to me and I stroked her head. She was the total opposite of J (he was little, black and male and she was big, golden and female) but I honestly think the act of stroking her triggered something in me because about 2 or 3 minutes later I just started crying.

The lovely women who were with the dog stopped me to ask what was wrong. So of course I told them about J and showed them a photo. They were so lovely - really understanding and asking all about him. It's weird but the kindness of strangers does something so special.

I did feel a bit better afterwards but then I got upset again last night and again this morning.

I think I can't believe I'm into my 4th week without him. I'm still in denial I think. I don't know.

8 years ago we went on a 20 day holiday which was the longest we had ever (before or since) been away from him, and I missed him so much I swore never again.
So now it's officially the longest time I've not been with him and of course, he's never coming back.

I was talking to DH yesterday about the "last times" we did certain things and how we didn't know they would be the last time - like the last time I opened the back door for him to go out or the last time he sat looking out of the window.

He was so active and "normal" right up until suddenly collapsing. And then that was it.

I miss him so much. I know we all miss them.

I hope you're all OK today.

@toomanypillows

Hi everyone. It was 3 weeks yesterday that we lost J. I had an interview yesterday so I went out for a long walk in the morning to clear my head and get ready. I did go somewhere that we used to take J but not our "usual walk." Currently there are only so many options, so it's inevitable that I end up somewhere I used to take him.

A lovely dog came bounding up to me and I stroked her head. She was the total opposite of J (he was little, black and male and she was big, golden and female) but I honestly think the act of stroking her triggered something in me because about 2 or 3 minutes later I just started crying.

The lovely women who were with the dog stopped me to ask what was wrong. So of course I told them about J and showed them a photo. They were so lovely - really understanding and asking all about him. It's weird but the kindness of strangers does something so special.

I did feel a bit better afterwards but then I got upset again last night and again this morning.

I think I can't believe I'm into my 4th week without him. I'm still in denial I think. I don't know.

8 years ago we went on a 20 day holiday which was the longest we had ever (before or since) been away from him, and I missed him so much I swore never again.
So now it's officially the longest time I've not been with him and of course, he's never coming back.

I was talking to DH yesterday about the "last times" we did certain things and how we didn't know they would be the last time - like the last time I opened the back door for him to go out or the last time he sat looking out of the window.

He was so active and "normal" right up until suddenly collapsing. And then that was it.

I miss him so much. I know we all miss them.

I hope you're all OK today.

I’m sorry you felt sad in the park. I talk to every dog who walks past me too. Such a painful time. It keeps hitting me too that I won’t see her again. I hope the interview went well. X

cardigans I’ve been thinking of you. Hope you are ok

curlymom Thank you for the offer to keep chatting, it means a lot. My work told me today that I don’t seem like my normal cheerful self and I need to put more effort in to bringing some energy to work. I’m doing my best but I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup. There’s no space at my work to not be on your A-game all the time and I feel like I’m suffocating. Although I wish you weren’t feeling the same, it helps to know that people understand.

I still half think there is a miracle cure for my boy, I know that’s impossible but I can’t bear to think that I won’t see him again. I remember calling the emergency vet as my DH rushed my boy there to talk through his medical history and they (very kindly) told me that we could wait until he got there. They must have known it was inevitable then. How could they have known then and I don’t even really believe it now?

pinkhouses I’m sorry you weren’t there at the end with your boy, I wasn’t either and I’m having trouble getting over that. My boy’s lovely vet has been very reassuring about it but I never imagined a scenario where I couldn’t do that last thing for him. It’s hard to get over. My DH says it was peaceful and I keep telling myself that we did the best for could for him, which is what counts. I just worry that he was looking around for me and he couldn’t see. I don’t want him to have needed me and I wasn’t there. It breaks my heart.

pillows I hope the interview went well yesterday. I’m in awe of you for having the energy to get up and do it. I’ve been in internal job negotiations over the last few months and have run out of energy for any of it.

The shock of it all hasn’t worn off me for me, either. We are the same as you - one minute he seemed to be doing really well, the next he had collapsed and then he was gone within 1.5 hours. Thinking of all the last things is so hard. I do this all the time. I’ve still been filling up his water bowl because I can’t bear to stop doing it. Sometimes I think I’m losing the plot because I know he’s not here but I need to still do things for him. I can’t bear to not be able to do things for him anymore. It hits me over and over again that’s he not here anymore. It’s agony. I’m thinking of you.

Sending strength to us all today. It’s hard ❤️

@curlymom thank you. I'm usually alright in the park, but somehow this encounter set me off. It doesn't take much really.

@MimPimMim - you know it's ok that you weren't there. He wouldn't have been looking round for you because everything you've written about him shows how deeply your love was embedded in him. He would have been completely secure. And no doubt he was thinking of you - because you were his safe space and those thoughts of you would have been with him right when he needed them to be.
It's so much harder on you than on him - and I'm so sorry you weren't there - for you. But please please know, he absolutely knew how loved he was and that would be all he felt.

I was there with J at the end. It hurts so much to remember it. I am glad I was there, but I have to keep bypassing that memory because I don't want it to be the overriding one. I remember him full of life and silliness.

A friend of mine has made a shadow sculpture of J for my garden. She's not brought it round yet, but I'll show you all a picture of it when she does. It's life-size and built in his silhouette. I can't wait to have it in the garden - I know it's not him, but when I look out I so expect to see him there... I really think this will bring comfort. That was his favourite place to be.

MIM and Curly. Thank you for asking about the interview - it was for a PhD so I had to muster up the energy - I've spent 4 months putting together a proposal so I couldn't let the opportunity go.

I won't find out until April though, and now the interview is done, I feel the emptiness in the house.

It will get better for us all. It will.

So much love to you all ❤️

Thank you pillows - your kind words have made me cry, in a good way ❤️ It’s four weeks for us today and it’s still so hard. I keep thinking back to all the last times that I didn’t know were the last times. I keep telling myself that he knew he was loved and safe and secure. That’s what counts. And you are right, it’s far harder for us than for them. I think that I didn’t realise how hard it would be (and how could I have done?), despite knowing how much I love him.

What a beautiful gesture from your friend, such a lovely thought. I can well imagine that it will give you comfort to imagine your boy pattering around the garden as you look out. I still see mine out of the corner of my mind as I look around our garden, in all his favourite spots and getting into mischief!

I hope you are managing some rest and self-care after the stress of your interview yesterday. I imagine all your adrenaline was going and I hope it is not too much of a come down today. The empty house is hard. It’s like they are both everywhere and nowhere, which is very difficult to reconcile.

Sending you strength and smiles as you think of your boy

Just catching up. It’s nine weeks tomorrow for us. Not crying every single day but I have found a little focus.

1. Thinking of getting qualified in dog training
2. My dog was a rare breed so joined up lots of chats etc on Facebook to see other people’s pictures and stories

Love to everyone x

Oh huge hugs... I know that feeling so well my DH took our old boy to the vets and he never came home. So I never got to say goodbye..

Checking in to say hello. The snow has gone and the days are getting longer and warmer. I've been walking for hours and hours each day just to get out of the house when my husband's at work and numb my brain. I bumped into Trixie, one of Roxy's little friends on Wednesday. She's a dear little thing, with a red coat and a black button nose, like Roxy. I bent down to scruffle her ears and she stood up on her back legs, put her paw on my hand and gently licked my face - it was as if she knew. Well, that finished me and there were many tears. Fortunately, Trixie's dad is a lovely chap and he understood completely.

Living in a dogless void is horrible. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

curlymom Thinking of you today I find the day when it is another week since we lost my boy really hard. I brings on an inevitable bout of the ‘remembering the last times’ - I felt really tense all yesterday evening, thinking back to four week ago when it was my boy’s last evening. I could literally feel the minutes ticking by and I kept trying not to look at the time. I know it’s irrational as, really, it was just another evening but it’s hard to feel the time moving on. The dog training sounds really healing - I am always very envious of people who spend their days working with animals, it must be very rewarding. I’m glad you have some things to focus on and I hope the healing is slowly beginning. It’s a long hard road we’re on ❤️

@itwillbehormones Thank you - hugs gratefully received. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to be there at the end for your boy, it’s such an awful shock. I think not having been able to say goodbye makes it so hard to accept. My boy had been to the vet for various things before but he had always come home. Even this time, at the emergency vet, I still thought there must be something - anything - they could do and he would come home again. I still can’t really believe he won’t be back. It’s like he’s in another room and if I look hard enough then I’ll find him. It’s a hard thing to live with. I keep telling myself that I didn’t get to say goodbye because we did the right thing for him in rushing him to the emergency vet and then making the kindest decision to let him go. I know that intellectually but it’s hard not to feel haunted by not being there at the end. I know exactly how you feel. I really hope you are ok and that you find solace in the happy memories now

cardigans Cross-posted with you - I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are ok. The dogless house is just awful - I feel my boy’s absence everywhere. I have to leave the lights on and the radio playing when we go out because I can’t bear to come home to a dark, quiet house. It’s not even nearly the same but it’s something. My husband was working late on Wednesday night and my toddler was in bed so I watched a film in bed - I couldn’t bear to be downstairs by myself. I’m not sure how I get used to this either.

Trixie sounds like a real poppet - dogs are so intuitive. They fill our lives with such a particular type of joy. It’s no wonder the hole is so vast when they are gone.

I’m still so sad but sometimes I am just struck with awe about what a wonderful dog my boy was and how lucky we are to have had him. Of all the dogs and people in the world, he found us and we found him. And Roxy was so lucky to have had you and you her - the stars must have aligned that day ❤️

Oh Mim, I'm crying again. Thank you for your kind words - you always seem to know what to say. Roxy was our absolute treasure and I think we used up our lifetime's worth of good luck when we got her. It's like the film, The Wizard of Oz where everything is drab black and white at the beginning and shifts to glorious Technicolor. Roxy was our Technicolor.

Back to drab black and white... I hate it.

Hello all
Oh @ilovecardigans your words above are so bloody spot on - yep life is just back and white without our boy too.
Wasn’t little Trixie a sweetheart sounds like she knew bless her - I would have been in pieces too. Sometimes I really do think dogs just know.

Hoping everyone is ok. It’s a slog isn’t it. We have passed the 3 week mark and tbh still can’t believe bens gone. Dh and I cry every day on and off and coming back in after a walk I still can’t believe he’s not here. It’s a real shock and jolt. I’m back to not sleeping very well. Last night I dreamt of Ben for the first time and it was sooooo good to see him I cuddled him and buried my face in his ruffle. I woke feeling completely bereft.

Every week my poor dad who had early dementia asks where’s Ben and I have to explain again that he’s gone. Dad gets all upset again - it’s very hard. My poor dad Ben was his joy.

Your words about being chosen and lucky are just what I said to dh tonight. Someone was looking down on us that day nearly 13 years ago when we went for a ‘look around’ at the rescue kennels. The perfect little pup was waiting for us - how bloody lucky were we and we got the best dog in the world - us! I will be forever thankful for that.

I feel lost tonight without our boy I hope he’s ok wherever he is. He needed us so much.

Sending you all love and hugs this weekend xx

I think that's the answer, Benji - be thankful for what we had and try not to be sad that it's gone. But oh my Lord, it's a slog indeed.

I'm so sorry about your dad. My mum had dementia and she used to ring me in the early hours of the morning thinking that dad had left her (he had died many years earlier). Every time I had to gently explain that he had indeed 'left' but not in the the way she was thinking. It was heartbreaking.

You know, if we could harness all the love on this thread it would be quite something...

cardigans I completely agree - it’s like a fog has descended. Our lives were richer with him in them. I try to remember that I am carrying him with me, in my heart and mind, but it is so hard when I would give so much for him to be here again. There has been so much love and kindness on this thread, I am so grateful for it. It is hard, in real life, to put on a happy face and I worry that being so sad in front of my husband is stopping him from healing. Here, I can just fall apart and people understand. And support. And find support. It is helping me so much, thank you.

benji I am so sorry about your dad - so very sad for him but also heartbreaking for you. My heart goes out to you. I’m also not sleeping well still, particularly getting to sleep, and then waking up is such a jolt because I remember all over again that my beautiful boy is not here. My husband often leaves early for work and my boy would have been next to be on the bed, usually having wriggled right up against me in the night. It’s horrible not to have that anymore. There is such a gap left where he was. A silence that is deafening.

Sending you all strength and hugs this weekend. The weekends are difficult without long, muddy dog walks - hearing excited barking and stopping frequently when there were new smells to be found. Watching my boy crash out when we got home, in his favourite spot, happy and exhausted from his walk. Sleep well, wonderful boy.

In the wise words of A.A. Milne and Winnie the Pooh - “How lucky we are to have had something so wonderful that it makes it so hard to say goodbye.”

Lovely words from all of you as usual. As @MimPimMim has said - whilst it's so sad that we're all in the same boat, it is of some comfort to have a place to come where people understand.

I miss J so much tonight. Just little things that have changed that bring it back that he's not here - opening the door to the post earlier and not checking to see that J isn't going to run out. Going into the kitchen and not having to open the back door.
It just adds up to the landscape of life looking so different now.

I hope you are all finding comfort in your memories of these precious little souls.

@MimPimMim

curlymom Thinking of you today I find the day when it is another week since we lost my boy really hard. I brings on an inevitable bout of the ‘remembering the last times’ - I felt really tense all yesterday evening, thinking back to four week ago when it was my boy’s last evening. I could literally feel the minutes ticking by and I kept trying not to look at the time. I know it’s irrational as, really, it was just another evening but it’s hard to feel the time moving on. The dog training sounds really healing - I am always very envious of people who spend their days working with animals, it must be very rewarding. I’m glad you have some things to focus on and I hope the healing is slowly beginning. It’s a long hard road we’re on ❤️

@itwillbehormones Thank you - hugs gratefully received. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to be there at the end for your boy, it’s such an awful shock. I think not having been able to say goodbye makes it so hard to accept. My boy had been to the vet for various things before but he had always come home. Even this time, at the emergency vet, I still thought there must be something - anything - they could do and he would come home again. I still can’t really believe he won’t be back. It’s like he’s in another room and if I look hard enough then I’ll find him. It’s a hard thing to live with. I keep telling myself that I didn’t get to say goodbye because we did the right thing for him in rushing him to the emergency vet and then making the kindest decision to let him go. I know that intellectually but it’s hard not to feel haunted by not being there at the end. I know exactly how you feel. I really hope you are ok and that you find solace in the happy memories now

Yes I feel like that too. Every week another anniversary with so much meaning. You know grief has so many stages too. And everyone reacts differently. I’m the one in the house who cries out loud, my children sit quietly. My poor husband tries to help us all and deal with his own grief. He dealt with cancer this last year too. The dog was amazing for him during these times. Just need to keep thinking of the good times x

Oh pillows, I know exactly what you mean - there’s so many little, ordinary moments when it hits home all over again. My boy always used to wait under the table while my toddler was eating, on alert to catch anything dropped. I still reach down to absent-mindedly stroke him - I can almost feel his soft fur under my finger tips but then he’s not there. It breaks my heart every time. We seem to have so many gaps in the day now where he used to be, the days feel longer than they used to. Thinking of you today, weekends without doggy adventures are especially hard

curlymom Something I read today said that one day the overriding feeling will be joy at having known them at all - I hope that’s true because at the moment it is hard to remember the good times without feeling sad that there are no more to come. It’s like I’ve reached the end of the story and I keep wishing for more chapters but there aren’t any. I thought there were more chapters left, more time together, and I’m still struggling to believe that there isn’t.

My husband is like yours - trying to help me with it and I do worry that I’m stopping him from healing by being so visibly sad. Our boy was always there for us when things were hard too, we would always look to him for comfort and he always gave it in that special ways dogs do. And now he’s not here to give us comfort, when we really need it. I’m still writing to him, which helps. It’s soothing to have some quiet time, reflecting and talking to him. It helps to have a found a way that still feels like we are spending time together. I really hope your husband is cancer-free now, it is a terrible disease. How much your girl must have helped him then, just by being there. Sending you strength and lovely memories of her this weekend ❤️

Hello people
Just wanted to say hello and hoping everyone is doing ok.
It’s been a month for us this week and it’s a bloody hard road. We cry everyday and evenings seem particularly difficult 😔 I’m not sure why they feel like a big black hole.

I still can’t really truly believe that I won’t see our boy again - I feel a terrible panic.

I know this is time. I get that.

Sorry but this feels so so hard.
I hope you are all ok xx

I’ve been following this thread from the start but haven’t commented probably because I know this is going to happen to me in the next year or so and knowing that I will feel as devastated as you all here, you are all so brave putting one foot in front of the other, particularly in this society where pet bereavement is so under acknowledged, it makes it a million times harder because grieving so deeply for a pet is not allowed, well no more than for 24 hours anyway. I can’t get my head around that we are supposedly an animal loving nation but the effects of pet loss are barely acknowledged or understood. For all of you suffering my heart goes out to you, and I truly hope you all find some peace soon, your dogs were so lucky to be so loved by you

Hi all,

I joined up to reply.

I put my beautiful boy to sleep last night.

I am devastated and no one gets it. I'm been told to get a grip.

He was my beautiful boy, he chose me. I wasn't planning on getting a dog, but he was my best friend.

I have a LTI and he always knew when I had to slow down, he would lie with his head on me. He would sleep beside me, on the other pillow otherwise

He even saved my life when I got sick during night raising the alarm.

All his bedding was taken and thrown out. People are eroding him from my life and I want his smell back. All I can see is the big empty space where he should be.

How do I get through? I have no one to talk about him to. I'm breaking.