Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

All puppies are different, some are seriously difficult but I can honestly hand on heart say my puppy, now adult dog was nowhere near as hard as a child!

I have 3 kids and oh my god, they are intense.
My dog is largely an absolute angel!

Survival tips:

• A crate!
• Take the pup out on waking, every 30 mins through the day and before bed so any house accidents should be minimal.
• Stock up on chewy toys and always have one on you so you can immediately correct (stern AH!) and shove chewy toy into its mouth every time it goes to chew something.
• Expect to be bitten, when it happens don’t make any noise just calmly immediately stop play/stroking whatever and leave the room for a few mins.

Finished reading the thread.

I don't think it should be just him doing research on breeds. A puppy is a massive responsibility and should be a joint decision. You should both be researching breeds and the best fit for your family and discuss it.

I have a condition that means I can't walk far and we spent hours researching ways to have dog walked if husband is away and I'm unwell and we have three or four options in place.

Dd was a teen and on board. It's important she knew she can't leave shoes or chargers or books on the couch arm and to not leave valuables about in case dog chewed them. We spent months making little changes so it wasn't an all in one go thing. We thought we'd planned for everything and we're still overwhelmed at just how much attention puppies need.

If dd had after school commitments that meant the puppy would be alone four hours a day a few times a week we absolutely would not have added a puppy to the mix.

They are hard work in a strong marriage. In a not great one and one person left doing the work for a commitment they don't want there's more chance of making things much much worse.

It sounds like you want to please your dh and give him what he wants in exchange for working part time. You’re the main care giver I assume. You wouldn’t expect another person to have another child they didn’t want. A springier would be insane. I’d see what research he does. Whose going to go to puppy classes? Him?

For the love of god, don't get a springer.

Also, I notice reading back he wants a springer spaniel.

My experience is obviously not reflective of ALL springers in the world, I am basing it on the relatively small amount I have met but I seriously dislike them as a breed!

My old neighbours had one that was insanely territorial and incredibly aggressive whenever we tried to use the garden, when my eldest was a baby in the pushchair I had two loose springers creep towards him staring him down snarling, it was absolutely terrifying and had their owner not seen and retrieved them I wouldn’t like to think what may have happened.
A large number of the dogs who have aggressors at my dog (who is now dog aggressive as a result) without provocation have been springers.
I really dislike them and try to avoid whenever I see one.

What about a nice red and white setter instead?

My brother wanted a dog (he still does). Sil was part time and they got a springer puppy. The poor thing was fastened in its crate for long lengths of time from day one, either while she dealt with the kids, while she cleaned and cooked, when guests came, when the kids cane home from school basically any time where sil couldn't watch it or when the puppy would get excited. They ended up rehoming.

They got a rescue recently when kids were older with both adults working full time. Sent back less than two month later when it wasn't settling in and they got sick of not being able to go out on days out if nobody to look after dog.

I don't think there's any tips to make looking after a puppy you don't want less hard or more tolerable.

If i was to give one piece of advice, just ONE thing I was allowed to say on my deathbed, if I actually had one breath left, I would say Do not get a dog.

I know to you, I am a stranger on the internet but please PLEASE heed the warnings. I can't even put in to words how much stress you would be inflicting on yourself if you get one. Please believe me.

I also think those people who fall in love with their dogs even though they had initially hated them have some version of Stockholm syndrome.

Thanks again for all tips.

WRT would I expect someone to have another child if they had already agreed to it then changed their mind? Yes, I kind of would. And I would expect them to make themselves love that child. It’s incredibly unfair on the other partner otherwise.

Like when men keep women hanging on and wasting their chance to have kids then turn around and say they actually they don’t want kids after all. It’s a shitty thing to do.

I should have said 15 / 20 years ago that I didn’t want a dog definitely but I was madly in love still then (pre real life pre kids).

He claims he will go to classes but that would have to be on his one day / evening off. What if the class is on a different day? I don’t think he would shy away from the work when he is at home it’s just he is at work a lot).

It is going to be fucking awful, I get that.

I guess I also think if we get the dog, it’s awful, we split up, then he will have to take the dog and sort work / care out occasionally then at least we have tried it. It won’t be my fault.

If we don’t get the dog and we split up that will definitely be my fault.

Honestly if you split up over not getting a dog then you are probably better being apart. Don’t get a dog if you think it’s going to be awful and make your life worse. What kind of partner wants to force a supposedly loved one to do something they absolutely don’t want to do?

Where the blush came from I don’t know.

If you are really going to care for a dog you don't want simply to appease your DH I would seriously make sure you investigate breeds and make sure you have the final say in choosing the right one.

All breeds have downsides but it depends on what you are ok to live with. Springers are hunting dogs. I have a cocker and used to train alongside springers at gun dog training as both breeds share certain traits. I do not recommend either breed for you because you really need to manage that instinct especially off lead. Lovely dogs but can be bloody hard work and I say that as someone who researched and choose a cocker spaniel.

Ok this is good. Not a spaniel then.

I equally think it's a shitty thing to ask someone to promise the feel way about anything in 20 years time when they have no idea what they life will be like in 20 years time or how the person doing the bulk of the caring, cleaning will feel about adding more commitments that they will be mainly responsible for.

I don't think you not wanting a dog that will impact your life more than his is anything at all like men who pretend to want a baby to keep a woman dangling.

Pretending to want a baby so you don't get dumped is shit, yes. But equally expecting someone to never feel differently about their life, to never change views and expect them to follow through with a promise they made decades ago in very different circumstances when you know they don't want to is also shit too.

I guess I also think if we get the dog, it’s awful, we split up, then he will have to take the dog and sort work / care out occasionally then at least we have tried it. It won’t be my fault.

Gosh if you are thinking along those lines I would say the most probable scenario is that you split up and he leaves the dog with you because he would not want to do any care of it and probably guilt you into continuing to care for it for the sake of the children

He doesn’t know I am thinking along those lines. I think he thinks getting a dog is much much easier than it is. Of course for him, it will be .

What about a poodle? We’ve got a poodle cross. He’s fantastic. He’s 5 months and very chilled. Loved by us all. It is extra work. There are times when I think urgh what we will do about him when we do X. But we’ve mostly accommodated around him.

How is this good?
You’re miserable in your marriage and your job and you want to make your life harder by taking on a pet you don’t actually want at all?
Bonkers.
Say no. He can wait until he stops work, can work from home, seriously cut down his hours or find daycare for the dog all day. Don’t be a martyr.

Can’t you look after a dog for a friend for a couple of weeks? A test period will be great for you and help you work out what breed to get. I always thought I wanted a cocker but after looking after one I realised it would be too much for us.

I'm losing patience with you now OP.
You said yourself that if you don't agree to a dog you'll have to go back to work full time to a job you don't like.
Get a different job - one you do like.
People are allowed to change their minds after 15 years or so. It's ridiculous to say you can't.

But no, you are determined to make life as difficult for yourself as you possibly can and make yourself out to be a martyr above all other martyrs.

Personally, I pity the dog.

A poodle? A highly intelligent, highly energetic breed known for being clingy with their main caretaker?

I love poodles but that is the very last breed I would suggest.

P.s. agree with poodle cross as a good fit if you do decide to go ahead but definitely a rescue