Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

I’m sorry to join what may be starting to feel like a pile-on, OP, but I’m afraid that your marriage sounds breathtakingly awful. You sound deeply unhappy with your life choices and it sounds as though you feel they are part of what compromise in marriage means. But it doesn’t! That’s not what compromising to make a marriage work means at all. Can I ask an intrusive question? What compromises would you say your husband has made over the course of your marriage?

What would happen if you said you wanted to go back to work full time and focus on your career now your kids are getting older? What would happen if you said you didn’t want a dog and weren’t prepared to do anything to help him?

It’s ok, I think people have been realistic but kind in their replies.

I don’t really want to discuss my marriage in depth but I wouldn’t get divorced due to house, kids, finances etc. Plus I have no desire to work full time. I don’t really like my job and after years of young kids I want a break and some time to myself.

I would think the sacrifices he has made are having to work incredibly hard so he can provide for us and so I can be part time. Also I don’t think either of us would get together if we met now. We are too different from each other I think.

Puppies are bastards. Complete bitey monsters that you can’t take your eyes off for a moment.
Older dogs? Can be a companion. Breeds are a massive factor. Mine is happy with an hour. Max two of exercise. Then she sleeps. I couldn’t be doing with a breed that was busy and unsettled in the house. Grooming is also a consideration.
Honestly if you don’t want a dog then really really don’t get one. Who will be doing the dark, wet and cold dog walks? De fleaing and working and clipping claws and grooming and cleaning up accidents? Who will be responsible for ensuring the dog doesn’t eat shoes or chocolate? Who’s going to take weeks off to settle it in and what if it gets separation anxiety and can’t be left. At all. Will you be happy never having a day out with all the family of the dog can’t come? What if he changes his mind and wants to leave you with the dog and take the kids out himself?

My fear is if I say I won’t help him he will get the dog anyway and then as I say I will have to help or it will poo and wee everywhere and destroy the house. Also I can’t just ignore it as that would be ridiculously cruel.

I think if I absolutely said no then of course he would accept that. I also think I would then have no ‘excuse’ for being part time and would have to go back full time to a job I dislike.

My dog is very small and low maintenance,dh didn't want another after our old Staffie died but I did.I do the walking,poo picking and playing etc.He doesn't eat a lot either.I think if your dh is adamant he wants one he should reconsider the breed imo.

Exactly wolfie. One of us will have to stay with the dog. So if he took the kids out I’d have to stay with it. Hence my OP asking how to make stuff like that more bearable.

OP, it really does sound like you have much bigger problems than learning to like/love a dog

Honestly? I waited bloody years for my dog and I adore her. But our whole life revolves around her. Can’t go out to watch a film at the cinema then have a meal out as we would be away from her too long etc. What makes it bearable? I adore her. I can’t honestly imagine anything else could.
Wouldn’t you personally be better considering what would make your life better rather then what he wants?

Could you, and I say this gently, try and look at things the other way round? You don’t want to increase your hours in a job you don’t like but that means you’re dependent on your H and that means you feel railroaded into accepting things he wants, like a dog for example.

So what would happen if you thought about it that way round - what kind of job would you like to do? And how would you get to that point - do you need training, etc?

It is clear you’ve decided that breaking up is off the table but given the amount of misery that (it sounds like) flows from that decision, I would urge you to rethink. It is not worth sacrificing your whole life for. And this IS your whole life that you’re throwing away here, OP.

Like others I think this is a much deeper issue than "just" the dog.

Do you work part time because of the kids or because you "have no desire to work full time"? I do think expecting a spouse to fund what is effectively a lifestyle choice is a big ask.

In terms of what they do - BastardPup is one next week. On my day off I am on my own with him. He comes with me to walk DS2 to school and usually has a kip when we get back. Then he will either chill out for the day or be a total pain in the arse, wanting to be out and then in, needing play and generally seeking attention.

We both wanted a dog, have had dogs, researched the breed and went for a very reputable breeder. But the last nine months have still been very hard work, and you have to think about every decision - where you are going, how long for and whether you can take hound with you or not.

I definitely wouldn't consider a Springer as they are nuts.

He’s going to stay at home for the next 15 years on day you go out. You will have no kids then. And u will be going out on these days on ur own

And please please please don’t stay together for the sake of the kids. My parents did that. It is an immensely emotionally unhealthy lesson to teach children.

PCohle it’s a bit of both. I work part time mostly because in my professional field full time would include unsocial hours and with where we live even office hours with a commute are difficult with childcare. If they want to do weekend activities, have someone there after school, swimming etc then that would all be dramatically reduced if I worked full time.

Also I admit there is a big part that is glad of this as I want some free time to try to get the house sorted, go to the gym etc. I bloody well earned it after 7 years with very little time.

If you let him do the research you could end up with a dog you definitely don't want! A big dog that eats a lot, poos a lot and needs a lot of walking. Can I suggest a Chinese Crested Powderpuff? Mine is gorgeous, very affectionate, loves everybody, and hates walks! When I show her the collar and lead she runs off and hides under the coffee table! So we only go out when the weather is nice. She does one little poo every day. She's my best friend and I can't imagine life without her.

The thing is, the puppy stage is hellish in parts , but it doesn’t last as long as human baby and toddlerhood. Depending on the breed, you should be getting into your stride with a pup at six months, really on good form by a year, and with the odd teenage blip, sorted by the time they are three. My dog is five now and very easy. Relaxed and happy as she is always with someone, very well socialised so friendly with dogs and people. Pretty well behaved with the odd bit of selective deafness and thieving. I absolutely love her. I found the first month horrendous, she was eight weeks old when we got her, a month younger than any dog I’d had before, so it was a shock. She took quite a while to house train, due to the way our house is set out (the garden is downstairs, and the stairs were too steep for her ) but I felt on top of things by the time she was five months.
Yes my life would be less restrictive without a dog, but she makes me happy every day, and she is a big and important part of our family.

To me you sound the sort of person who six months in would be besotted with a dog, but only you know if you would in fact spend 15 years resenting it. Looking after someone else’s dog is all well and good as a trial run, but it is like looking after someone else’s child, it gives you an idea of the basics and the hard stuff, but no idea of the love .

reading op words seems she is unhappy with her marriage her children and her job i cannot see a dog would do anything but make the situation worse

To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement.

People are allowed to change their minds. We always thought we'd have two children, if husband told me I'm not allowed to change my mind and I can't go back on what I said several years ago or he'd divorce me I'd show him the door myself. I wouldn't be forced into having a bag with a man who I know will leave bull if work to me and I wouldn't be forced into getting a dog if I don't feel ready for one either. Does he genuinely expect you to not have changed in the last 20 years?

Who'd be taking the time off work for it to settle in? No matter if you get a puppy or a rescue it could take a few weeks to settle in and nail toilet training? Sometimes more. You wouldn't be able to leave the dog for a few hours a day straight away and would have to build up. Who would be reducing work to do this? What if you end up with one that gets very very very anxious when left alone ?

Puppies are very hard work. It was frustrating for every one of us at times and that's with both me, dh and our teen dd being one hundred per cent on board. They can be little shits for chewing, are the kids good at not leaving shoes and toys and clothes etc laid around. Does your husband pick up after himself ?

Puppies need watching all the time in those first few weeks and months. I love my dog to bits but it was hard work and frustrating at times when you forget to move your book from the sofa arm and the dog destroys it.

If you don't want a dog then there's a chance you could strongly resent just how much of a change to your life it is. Esp as you have young children who need your time and attention too. The kids could resent it if it means they have to miss their activities until puppy is fully settled and not stressing and anxious when alone. You can't leave the puppy for four and five hours several times a week straight away. There'll be times you can't give the girls attentions they want if you're dealing with the dog and vice versa.

I'd wait until they kids are older. Or even until he has retired and is around to do bulk of work with it.

What I'm reading is that you want to honour a commitment to do something you absolutely don't want to do made 20 years ago. While knowing that your DH will not honour his commitment to do the work a dog entails. So you have to keep your promises but he doesn't. Is that it?

You already know he’s going to leave it to you. Absolutely don’t do it.

Just to clarify I do love my kids. I especially love them getting older. Parenting primary age kids can be a lot of fun. I love that they are that little bit more independent. I really don’t enjoy the toddler stage and a dog seems to be permanently stuck there.

He thinks he could take a couple of weeks off but to me a puppy needs months of one of us being at home most of the time. I have no idea how people square that with kids activities etc. So I would be the one taking the time off realistically.

labaz, I fully expect absolutely everything to be worse after getting a dog.

single a dog who hates walks sounds great!

At least your post gives me some home SirVix .

I was in the similar position, my partner was all "i'll do everything"

Don't believe them its a lie.

I love dogs but they are hard work if you are not prepared to commit to them 100%

Especially if you are the one that all the walking training and general work falls to.

Just don't do it.

MrsTerry, I would not expect DH to do all the work. I don’t think he every promised that as me ignoring the dog would be completely impractical.

The didn't say all the work, I said the work. Everyone has to work hard with a dog. Particularly a Springer puppy! In this house I do most of the walks, DH picks up all the poo, I deal with the care/dog walker, he does the vet.

Forgive me but it sounds like you think he won't pick up his slack. Maybe I read that wrong.

I didn't!