Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

Can’t he walk it before he goes to work? It’s the walking that’s the biggest inconvenience. And, as you say, the days out where you can’t take the dog.

Your DH is checking all the warning signals for being a rubbish dog owner here...

• idealised memories of having a dog as a child - tick
• unrealistic about the amount of time and care needed - tick
• insistence on getting a puppy even though it does not suit the circumstances - tick
• choosing a breed that also doesn't suit - tick
• pressurising someone else into accepting the dog - tick

I'd lay money on him also...

• wanting to get a dog from a poor breeder because it's cheaper or easier than researching and waiting
• growing tired of the puppy after a few weeks
• giving up on walks etc within 6 months
• not putting the effort into proper training and only ever going to a few classes before thinking he is 'done'
• refusing to rehome the dog when its behaviour starts to really cause upset in the family yet also refusing to take proper action to change that behaviour

sigh.

Sorry OP. You have my sympathy for the shit situation here.

A springer spaniel? Yes, they are what you say, very needy & affectionate & they want to be with their person - all the time.

I was in the same position as you & could've written your post, a DH who always wanted a dog, me who preferred cats & had never had a dog or wanted one. My feelings & concerns were very much as you describe. Then the time came to get one, a springer of course. We got a rescue, she decided I was her person, attached herself to me & barely left my side until she died 10 years later. I was not expecting that, and I was not expecting to come to love her but I did.

Now we have her two successors, both of whom are affectionate, needy & high energy. We got both of them as pups & they were very hard work at first. Of course, both of them decided that I am their person. One attached to me immediately, to the other I was second choice after DS1 left home. I admit that I do find the clinginess difficult. I literally can't go anywhere at home without being followed & I often feel that I have ten legs rather than two. But I do love them & don't mind doing the care that they need because it has to be done, and DH does his share.

I too found everyone always wanting me difficult with small DC & now they are older it's the dogs that want to be with me all the time, even when there are other people at home. I really enjoy the break when DH takes them out for a long walk. Then they come home & make a mess of the place again

So I understand your concerns, very much so.

I adore my dog but oh she is hard hard work. She is definitely my dog, I pay for her food, vet bills etc and do about 99% of the walks. When she was younger I was a SAHM so there all the time, now I work part time and DH works from home 2 days a week so she’s only left one day for 6 hours. Can’t get a dog walker as she is very scared of strangers and is a pain to walk but she’s 6 now and is fine being left. Holidays are planned around a friend who also has pets, we book holidays round each other which is fab.

When she dies I really don’t know if I want another one, I have cats and they are much easier

.

He can walk it before work yes but I am guessing if the dog is in the house it will want a walk? Or at least playing with. I can’t just ignore it, my understanding is they need almost constant interaction? Plus I will not be able to leave dogs and kids alone.

Ugh.

Reading what I have on this thread you don't want a dog, focusing on the negative (naturally as you don't want a dog) and should probably not get a dog. Puppies are arse holes, top and bottom. Once they get a bit older they don't need constant interaction, I don't even know where In the house my dog is at the moment. He's not overly affectionate, won't say no to lying next you getting a snuggle if invited but just as happy lying on the floor. Luckily dp walks our dog 3 times a day, but I will sometimes take him out if need something to do or the kids need to burn of energy. Thing that bugs me the most Is the tippy tappy noise of his claws on the laminate when hes in and out of a room, annoyed us so much to the point we redecorated our whole house so we didn't have to listen to it 😂

I don’t understand this and why you are so set on this. It’s almost martyrish. Say no. Dh is a big boy I’m sure he will cope with the disappointment

The wise words of posters when one person usually the woman wants another baby. If the other parent says no it’s no. Same applies here surely?

People can change their minds. Yes I’m sure your dh would be upset but this is a life changing decision. And it would mainly fall on you.

We have a five month old poodle. My dh didn’t really want a dog but I did and as a sahm the work falls to me which is fine. He’s a great really chilled boy and I love him to bits but he is another responsibility along with the three kids. My dh loves him to bits. He’s the son he never had 😂We decided on a puppy as two of the kids have Sen and we really needed a young dog who would grow up around them and not be scared by their meltdowns. But it is a commitment. We work around the dog and it has worked out but life is that bit harder. If your dh is forcing you into a dog I’d be reconsidering my marriage.

My main tip would be to think carefully about the type of dog you choose. There can be such a huge range of energy needs that you might find the solution to this problem is to choose a dog which is less energetic.

This would mean steering clear of typical family dogs such as labs and spaniels - although a cavalier would probably be fine.
Dogs can be hard work and at times you will regret getting one, but you will also hopefully fall in love. There are lots of benefits of dog ownership and as much as the work involved is a drag, I have grown to love my daily walks.

You would be fine to leave a well exercised dog for 4/5 hours. That would be a bit tricky in the puppy stage though. Have you got family/friends nearby that would be willing to help? The puppy stage doesn't last long.

Also, I would do plenty of research on coat type and think about what that involves. Personally I would never go for a long haired dog again as although it looks very nice clean, it does not stay clean on wet muddy walks. My short haired dogs sheds more but is much easier to keep clean. All dogs are different and you can reduce the work by thinking carefully about breed type and what you are willing to put up with. Same with training. Put some work in and ensure you have the dog behaving the way you want and life will be easier in the long run.

Eg I regret letting our first small dog on the sofa as it was hard to say no to the second one.

It may not be as bad as you are imagining but honestly there has to be a part of you that wants to make it work out well otherwise you are going to resent your husband and the dog!

I'm in a similar position, OP. My husband and both kids (12 and 9) are desperate for a dog. I work from home so I know it would end up being my responsibility. My husband works odd hours so sometimes leaves for work at 4am so not possible to do a dog walk earlier.

I am also a rubbish housekeeper and worry about the mess, and I don't know what dogs DO. If I was in the house all day with it, what would it be doing?

I'm not totally opposed, I just didn't have pets growing up so I don't really 'get' them.

I feel quite guilty especially as my son has ADHD and dogs are meant to be really beneficial. It's a tough decision!

your family having a dog sounds like a total disaster

Dogs are great, but puppies are a hellish amount of work.
Do you think you might grow to really love a dog, given how you feel about your cat ? Have you ever known a dog properly ?

Well if you do agree , which I don’t think you should ,you should at least get a suitable dog which is not a springer spaniel puppy . My dh didn’t want a dog , and it took me over 20 yrs to persuade him , he loves the dog but he only does anything other than cuddle him and feed him biscuits if I’m away or out for a day . He never walks him , infact no one walks him except me .

Can you persuade him to get a show cocker instead of a springer? They are much less needy and far more docile.

The dog will know you don't love him - they're not stupid.

You sound so miserable and defeated in this and in your marriage

I wanted and needed a dog (escaping significant illness) and got one without my DH's knowledge. For me, she wasn't a bind or tie at all - she gave me the liberty to get out the house, get some exercise, make new friends and she was my rock. She gave far more than she took.

My (ex)DH was ambivalent towards her and the dog mainly ignored him.

And what about the poor bloody cat that has lived dog free all it’s life. I can’t believe someone suggested a greyhound, like greyhounds don’t chase small furry things 🤨

The problem here is not the type of dog or adults vs puppies or rescue dogs vs pedigree whatever. The problem is that there are clearly some serious problems in the relationship between the OP and her husband, and she sounds utterly beaten down and almost depressed. Is he a dickhead in general OP, or just in this particular thing? How can he care this much about some bloody hypothetical dog and so little about the feelings of the woman who has borne his children?

I love cats but if I married someone who was afraid or them or allergic to them or just really disliked them for some reason, I would suck it up and just pet other people's cats when I saw them. The person who doesn't want the pet gets the deciding vote in this kind of thing, ESPECIALLY if that person is the one who will do most of the work.

You will be fine. It's not like you don't like animals, you will love the dog, it will be impossible not too! Just make it clear that it will be your dh that has to do the work, be really strict about it, I'm sure the children will help too.
You have a cat so just make sure you get a dog that is going to be okay around cats, that means you may have to get a puppy though!

I just don't understand why you are so set that your husband MUST have his dog. Why?! It's not like human children where it's serious if you don't agree!
Why on earth are you agreeing to something like this when a) you are absolutely miserable and dreading it and b) you acknowledge your dh won't pull his weight and look after it?!

For goodness sake, don't get a dog. Tell dh he can have his dog when he retires and can dedicate his whole day to it. Why must this be done right now?!

Just make it clear that it will be your dh that has to do the work, be really strict about it

How? The DH will walk the dog a few times until the novelty has worn off, then start finding excuses. The OP will be left with a choice of saying "Will you walk the dog please? Will you walk the dog please? Will you walk the dog please?" all day long until she is fed up (and inevitably gets accused of "nagging") OR walking the dog herself, and sooner or later she will cave and start doing it, because the poor dog is sitting there looking miserable and she will feel sorry for him. DH won't walk the dog and won't care when the dog looks sad. Because if he was the sort of person who actually cared about dogs, he wouldn't be bringing a dog into a household where most of the work will be done by someone who resents the dog's presence.

I'm sure the children will help too.

I'm sure they won't--at least, not with the rainy walks, the poo picking, the cleaning dog hair off the carpet for the nth time.

This dynamic is worrying op you are so resigned like you have no say at all and you don’t matter despite the fact that you accept being the one that will do most of the work. It’s quite odd tbh. Your opinion matters as much as his actually more as you will be doing the most work

Yes I am worried about the cat. She is old and the unspoken thought is that when she dies we would get the dog. She is just awesome, I absolutely love cats and will be so sad (of course) when she dies.

amysantiagoperalta, sounds very similar .

MsT, I think it is a really dickish move to tell someone you will have kids with them then change your mind. They have planned their whole life around this. I’d never do that to someone.

Marriage not great no but no way do I want to separate etc.

I’m sure the children will do fuck all to help me. Am under no illusions there!

Thanks for advice re breed etc as that is very useful.

Well I am part time so household work needs to fall to me. I have the easier life (supposedly).

To be blunt, I don't think getting a dog is the right move. Yes your OH wants one and you said he could at some stage but as pp have said, a dog deserves to be genuinely wanted and loved by all members of the family and will pick up on resentment. It would not only be unfair on you but also and more so on a dog if you were to get one. Before you know it you would he arguing with your husband, resenting him and the dog, your dog would either live a miserable life with someone who hates it or end up in rescue because you didn't want it. Just do the right thing and get another cat.

To answer a few questions, it could be 30 years at least before he retires. I wouldn’t make him wait that long.

I’ve always accepted I will have to have a dog, just looking for some tips on how to make it less awful. I would be extremely annoyed if it was the other way around and DH went back on the agreement.

I know a couple of dogs. BIL has a dog who seems chilled out and lovely but they lucked out with him.

Get a short haired tiny dog as a compromise

Don’t get a rescue - they are wonderful but unlikely to let you have one with small kids and part time work PLUS first dog

Make him take the first 2 weeks off

Crate train

Mellow. Honest to god my dog is our second child