Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

Don’t get a dog FFS, I can’t quite believe some of your posts op, ‘if we get a dog and split up it won’t be my fault’?? FFS, can you hear yourself, you sound unhinged

Take a step back, no dog deserves to be taken into this situation, utter utter madness

Ours is a poodle cross so obviously only has some poodle traits. He’s not very energetic at all. Or highly intelligent bless him. Have you thought about going to crufts so you can see and meet some of the different breeds?

Of course for him, it will be

Only if you both let this happen. You could get a retired racing greyhound. He takes it for a 20 minute run/walk first thing, it poos, he bags. Takes the dog home. Greyhounds mostly like to lie around, very soft and loving. Because you'd be adopting from a rescue, they will look at temperament, cat suitability etc. He walks it when he gets home. They aren't wildly intelligent, curious, energetic dogs like collies so training should be easier. But they tend to be nice and gentle. He can look for local training that fits with his schedule BEFORE you adopt.

If he wants a puppy HE can take months off work. Not practical? Well then not a puppy. If he wants a Springer which, unlike the sprinter greyhound, is an endurance dog. At least two walks of 45 minutes each day, longer if possible. So he needs to be up an hour earlier than normal. Longer walks at the weekends. They need proper training and entertaining. So he will need to plan that BEFORE you get the dog. Because it's a pure breed it has all sorts of health and mental health needs. He needs to research these and work out what to do if it get diabetes or separation anxiety.

at least we have tried it. It won’t be my fault.
If we don’t get the dog and we split up that will definitely be my fault.

This is a really unhealthy mindset and it speaks volumes. I get that you really don't want to talk about your marriage so I will offer you and good luck. It doesn't have to be like this.

Sounds tough, OP. My DH and I were both desperate for a dog, but I was wary of the increased work/responsibility . DH said he would pull his weight- sure enough he hasn’t really- or at least majority of work and all organisation falls to me. However, my workaholic DH has gradually become more domesticated as we have had the dog and I think we both find the dog a stress release (and love him to pieces).
Having a good dog walker and daycare to relieve pressure is important-our walker sometimes will do an evening walk allowing us an evening out or if we are busy we can schedule an extra day of daycare. So, if you can afford these options (pup care exists too) May allow you some freedom.
With regards to you thinking the dog will need playing throughout the day- you are right that small pups need a lot of attention. But as PPsaid, by6 months the worst is over. Also, there are toys/chews that can entertain a dog without your involvement. Our high energy boy has two good walks a day and is happy to snooze or Mooch about while I work at home for the rest of the day- and he is still under 2. I would avoid a high shedding breed as that will stress you out for extra vacuuming.

I agree with MrsTP

A poodle cross is an awful idea. A bright dog crossed with anything isn’t going to be a couch potato. Many end up in rescues for being bonkers.

It might not be ‘fucking awful’, to be honest, plenty of people, myself included really didn’t find their puppies all that horrific!

Course some did, but your puppy might be relatively easy and grow up into a lovely friendly companion that causes you no real trouble!

I guess I also think if we get the dog, it’s awful, we split up, then he will have to take the dog and sort work / care out occasionally then at least we have tried it. It won’t be my fault.

Does he know that's how you feel about it? I just genuinely can't imagine any rational person leaving their wife and mother of their child over getting a pet.

WRT would I expect someone to have another child if they had already agreed to it then changed their mind? Yes, I kind of would. And I would expect them to make themselves love that child. It’s incredibly unfair on the other partner otherwise.

To be fair, I also consider this a really unusual view. Say you agree to having three kids. But having DC2 leads to horrible birth injuries for you, or tokophobia or your DC2 is born with an illness that requires huge parenting resources. Technically maybe you could still have a DC3, but would really think it was unfair on your partner to choose not to? Circumstances change, life changes.

I look back on what I thought my life would be with kids and piss myself. I had absolutely no idea.

I am thinking that this isn't about the dog at all. Don't bring an innocent animal into a shaky relationship, it's just going to make it even more messy.

It sounds like you have had years of being the only responsible adult in the relationship and that's why you didn't get a dog, because you knew what would happen.

Dont get a dog, thinking it will help him be happy. Please, it's nothing like having a baby, even the crossest most difficult baby will grow up. A dog will destroy your home, your peace and give you even more work, and it's not like just having another baby because that is similar tasks, a dog is a whole new set of tasks and you are already over worked.

I know I am being very negative, I am sorry, but I feel so strongly about it. I am actually a dog lover, but, your plate is full.

I just wanted to wish you all the best.

I'm not going to tell you not to get the dog OP as you have obviously made your decision but I really, really would recommend waiting until your DC are older and can help out more because I can guarantee from what you have said about your DH that he will be totally minimising of what the dogs needs are (i.e. It will be fine with a 10 min walk once per day etc) and that you will end up doing the majority of the work.

Because of this I think you are absolutely right to be looking into breeds yourself to work out what you can or can't handle/ cope with.

I was never a doggy person. DH would veer from fancying some high energy dog one moment to saying 'all dogs are a menace' the next. DS just wanted any dog. For years we said 'no' until we came to a point when DS was in his teens and I had started to come round to the idea of getting a dog. We agreed DS could have the dog when he was 15 on the understanding he would be the one to walk it. However I was realistic enough to know that being the one who only worked out of the house part-time, that at some point in the future the majority of the care would come down to me.

We all researched breeds and vetoed any breed suggested by another family member that any of us was not happy with. E.g. We decided it needed to be small as our house isn't very big, DH didn't want anything 'cute and fluffy', and I refused any dog which I found intimidating.

We ended up with a Jack Russell which I know are not generally recommended for first time owners as they are quite feisty little dogs who definitely have a mind of their own. Benefits to us were that they are small, they don't require much grooming, they are generally quite healthy and as popular dogs it wasn't difficult to find a breeder. They can also be quite independent meaning they are less likely to suffer separation anxiety when you leave them. I'm certainly not suggesting that you go for this breed as they can be total PITA but our thought process is one you may like to consider.

We got a puppy and I will not lie the early months were difficult and DH really struggled with the upheaval even though DS and I were doing the care ( school holidays).

It is important you are all very clear on dog care arrangements during the working day and this needs to include the 'what ifs' for if the dog gets too upset at being left. We started leaving our dog for short amounts of time from after we'd had him 2 weeks building up to 3-4 hours when we returned to work / school in September but we were lucky that our dog was fine with this. I've learned from this board that a lot of dogs don't accept this. Oh, and he gets left for up to 6 hours now (3 years) - depending on shift patterns donor every day.

I think that if you are at home all day with your dog that it's important to just ignore him some of the time so he learns to settle by himself. It's not actually good for them to be stimulated all of the time (again some dogs may need to be trained to do this) .

I would recommend things such as a stair gate to separate areas of the house where you don't want dog to go (at least unaccompanied), it's a bonus if you have a suitable room such as a kitchen or utility room to shut him/her in safe to prevent damage to the rest of the house. Stuffed kongs and antlers to keep the dog occupied. A Thunder coat for if they become anxious.

Be realistic about costs - including insurance, vet bills, day care, kennels. Then add another half as much again!

I think from your situation if you are able to count in a dog walker from the beginning it will be less stressful for you knowing that if your DH does default on his promises that everything won't come down to you.

Good luck.

No, I thought I said, illness or horrific life events I would absolutely understand changing your mind about another DC; I did think I said that. Birth injuries I would say are absolutely fair enough. Changing your mind just because you don’t want the work is different. That is what I would be doing.

3luclystars, yes this is what I mean by harder work than a baby. They don’t grow up really and I would have to learn all the skills from scratch.

I appreciate I am annoying posters and am genuinely grateful for advice.

He doesn’t know exactly how I feel, no. I think there is no going back from a conversation like that so I haven’t had it.

Does your DP have a fund for his own "fun stuff"? I don't know how your family finances are organised but I would be tempted to get it in writing that if DP cannot walk a dog on any given day he will pay for the dog walker from his fun fund, and if he's inconsistent he'll have to pay for 5 days per week from his fun fund?

We share finances pretty much. I am trying to claw us out of our overdraft but we never seem to get there. So in theory we could spend ‘his’ money but it practice it would be shared family money. We simply won’t have the money for a dog walker on days one of us is there. I will have to do it if he doesn’t.

i think you should compromise and get a rescue maybe still a young dog, but that already sleeps, and is housetrained etc.

I think if you choose wisely and wait for a really good rescue one that is good with cats, it would be your best bet. Your husband should not bully you into this when he wont be doing the lions share of the care. It is in no way the same as getting a cat

There are some really knowledgeable people on here who could advise on breed. I’m a first time dog owner (you can probably tell) and I can only tell you about the dog we have. Greyhounds seem to be a favourite.

Don’t get a greyhound for Christ’s sake. Think of your cat at least. Can’t believe some people are recommending greyhounds. Ffs.

I feel so sad reading your thread, OP, and I'm half wondering whether you wouldn't be better posting something in Relationships too.

I know our poor cat

Think of your cat at least.

tbf the OP has said the dog is not coming until after the (old) cat has died...

The people next door to us rehome rescue greyhounds. So far they’ve killed at least two cats in the neighbourhood and maimed several more. I have nothing against them as pets, I’m happy that they get a nicer life after what must have been a pretty awful working life, but they are just not a risk you should take around cats.

And it’s not a training thing. There is an extent to which dogs are dogs. Like using a lead in a field of sheep.

I am trying to claw us out of our overdraft but we never seem to get there.

Have you looked at costs? Some things to think of.

Don't scrimp on insurance as cheap is false economy. Life time cover for as bigger yearly limit you can afford. Factor in excess as lots of simple issues tend to come under the excess so you will end up paying out for them.

Vaccinations.

Neutering if you go down that route.

Worm/flea treatments.

Boarding if you go on dog free holidays.

Food/treats

Collars/leads/harness which may need replacing as puppy grows

Beds (towels and blankets for those muddy days)

Toys

Training classes

Crate if you crate train

Does everyone have good coats and walking shoes as you will need them in the winter.

Also puppies chew so unless you supervise and everyone picks up their things you may find you need to replace chewed items.

Grooming (some dogs that don't shed can have high grooming needs)

My advice is to definitely get a puppy, rather than a rescue. I’ve done both but I’m an experienced dog owner.

A puppy is much easier to fall in love with, as they are unbearably cute. You can train a puppy to fit in with your family. Dogs are actually very trainable but you need patience and persistence.

Get a golden retriever bitch. The puppies are the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen. Goldies are intelligent and willing to please. They are kind, loving and loyal, especially the bitches. They are brilliant with other dogs, people and especially children.

Use a crate to train her and go to classes. Enjoy.

I would carefully cost this dog out. Pet insurance, food, dental, worming and flea treatment, walkers and kennels. Our dog is healthy but I reckon costs us at least 2k a year all in.