Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

The thing is OP that you are already making this your problem when it's his as he wants the dog. I am not saying you ignore it and of course you interact and walk it sometimes but it is his dog and he needs to do all the thinking/planning etc. Push things back on him, you need to make it clear that you are not even entertaining sorting these problems. Your children's commitments come first. You need to make yourself more unavailable. You need to ask him how HE is going to do things. I can't believe you're putting a dog before your family life.

Lastly if you do get a spaniel, get an outside kennel or run, then it can stay outside. If it barks and people complain they need to speak to your DH!

Your kids are school age. Go back to work full time. I know you said you don’t want to do that because you don’t enjoy your job but the answer to that is to get a job to enjoy. You’re going round in circles here. Try and pause for a moment and think logically.

So, ask your husband, just as you put there:
'If the kids have eg swimming lessons after school where I will need to be out of the house for 4 hours but the dog can’t be left what are you going to do? I can't just go out and leave the dog barking, crying, pooing in the house hmm? You know I don't know about dogs, but you do - what is your plan for those times?'

I'd say what you want (if you're doing this at all) is to be in the position of the lunchtime pop-in dogwalker, who gives your DH's dog a walk and a pee break but otherwise leaves it all to him.

He knows what’s involved anyway; just thinks it’s easy - he really doesn't know what's involved. Children never know what's involved in dog ownership. How can they? They're at school, out with their friends, not having to constantly think about who will let the dog out, feed it etc whilst they're out. And that's as it should be really. Except that he thinks he does know and is basing his decision making on incorrect knowledge.

Someone I know grew up with a collie. When she got her own dog as an adult that was the only breed she'd consider, since she knew about them and had lived with one growing up. So she got one. Then the scales fell from her eyes.

I always wanted a dog. My DH was unsure and several times I asked before getting one to say if he was a 'no' and despite most of the caring being down to me I would have respected it and carried in cooing over other peoples dogs. That's what you do in a marriage where you have equal say. It is obvious that you don't have equal say from your posts as it's all about how you have to sacrifice yourself as you are part time. Honestly in your shoes I would go full time rather than subject myself to misery for the next 15 years. I really think you should post in relationships but you haven't so that's my final say on it and will just post about the 'dog issue'.

I noticed you said He knows what’s involved anyway; just thinks it’s easy. I don't think he does know what's involved because I and lots of others on this board grew up with dogs and thought we knew that but it wasn't until we were fully responsible for our own puppy did we see the reality.

And I'm going to echo those saying not a spaniel, and definitely not a springer spaniel.

The happiest springer I know is an assistance dog, attached 24/7 to a very expert owner and permanently busy. The most miserable are probably the two left to snarl in a garden all day, closely followed by the one with the elderly owner who loves it but can't train it or exercise it properly.

There are some nice cavaliers in rescue. Frankly I think they'd be a better bet.

Plus I did promise. And no, it’s really really not ok to change your mind on stuff like that.

You see, I profoundly disagree with you. The sort of things we have been discussing - bringing children into the world, taking on caring responsibility for an animal - are things which have profound consequences for the people concerned. It is therefore vital that those people concerned are fully on board with the decision. As a result, these are precisely the things that it is “ok” to change your mind about; in fact, I’d say it’s imperative that they are considered again and again with the greatest of care. And if doubts creep in, if circumstances change? Then it’s not “ok” to carry on because you “promised” and you should absolutely have the courage to speak out and share those doubts.

The notion of the promise is simply inappropriate when talking about these sorts of things. I think so, anyway. Fair enough if you’re talking about a child we’d told could go to the cinema tomorrow, but not about whether or not to have another baby. Or to bring a pet into the house which will require significant care and will have a major impact on your lives and those of your children.

I know a family who got a spaniel and they wish they hadn't!

He won't even consider borrowmydoggy! So he is selfish, pathetic and really rather stupid.

He thinks because he grow up with a dog in the house he knows all about having dogs does he? Does it not occur to him that his mum/dad did all the hard work? How many dogs did they have because all dogs are different in some respect.

I get about your cat but I am sure that there are lots of dogs on borrowmydoggy that live with and/or are perfectly fine with cats.

Can you not have an honest talk with him and say you are willing to have a dog but you have some doubts never having had one before. Therefore looking after one for even a short period of time would be helpful. It would also let you see how your children are with a dog. Even doing it once would give you a reasonable idea but if you did it more than once with different dogs you would get to see what different dogs/breeds need.

If you do agree to getting a dog surely you should have some input as to what breed you get? Why should he just decide on a spaniel?

How many spaniels did he have growing up? If only 1 or 2 then does he not realise another one could (and probably would) be totally different?

Me and DH have had 14 dogs of the same breed over our married life. Admittedly 11 of them were rescues but they have all been so different. With the 2 I have now one is very laid back and placid, the other is nervous, is almost impossible to tire out and, at over 5, still chews anything you leave laying around

Dogs are often fine with cats,it's the cats that can end up not being fine.

You have a cat, that should be your reason for not getting a dog at the moment ever along with telling him you eventually want to work full time.

You have taken a seriously wrong turn. Nobody can get through to you. Do what you want and good luck with it all.

You have taken a seriously wrong turn.

Agreeing to have 2 children and a dog 20 years ago is not an actual contract. YOU DIDNT HAVE ALL THE IMFORMATION THEN. You honestly and sincerly agreed at that time when you thought your husband would be helpful and loving.

Nobody can get through to you. Do what you want and good luck with it all.

At the risk of getting flamed, and with respect and a desire to help (and save a dog from a miserable situation) - OP, are you on the spectrum? Because your rigid thinking is impossible to comprehend otherwise.

People change and circumstances change. People are allowed to say they made a mistake 20 years ago without knowing all the facts. But you don't seem to acknowledge that. It is incomprehensible to me.

You've agreed not to discuss it anymore but still aim to get one in a years time? So basically he wants you STFU. He sounds like a selfish twat with every post.

Christ on a bike! Do not get a spaniel! They are very high maintenance, they bark a lot and they are hyperactive. Just no.

You do sound really depressed, op. Who'll end up looking after the dog when you finally break down?

i think you sound like a bloody martyr now tbh. Get a dog or dont get a dog. You CAN actually say no if you predict it is going to be a nightmare. You could say to your husband that youll get one when he is closer to retirement, or if he can reduce his hours to enable him to look after his dog.
You dont actually HAVE to allow yourself to be pushed into taking a dog you dont want AND doing all the looking after. Just say fucking no if you dont want it.

OP you said about faking being happy with a dog. Do you think the dog will not know? Do you want him to be miserable? Because essentially he's going to be spending most of his day with someone who doesn't want him there. Think about him at least

I am really very grateful for the lots of good advice I’ve had from this but I think it’s time to leave it now.

You may enjoy having the dog. My mum really disliked dogs until I ‘persuaded’ my parents as a young teen. She fell completely in love with the puppy and it became ‘her’ dog. Any baby animal that you’re around is hard not to fall in love with.

I leave my pup about 4 hrs when I’m working. He’s never made a mess and the neighbours have said they never hear him barking or crying. It is possible to leave them for a while so long as they are taught to be alone from young and build it up.

Pup is 7 months and a cavalier King Charles.

I mainly feel desperately sorry for you. You’ll be doing all the shitwork because hubby dearest has decided he wants a dog regardless and you’re at home so you’ll have to deal with it. This isn’t what marriage is like. I’ve made a lot of compromises which go against what I talked to my dh about when we first got together but you know what that’s life and sometimes we don’t always get what we want.

I'm trying to imagine a situation where i insist on taking on a commitment that would involve my dh doing nearly all of the grunt work, just because 20 yrs ago i said I'd like one in the future.
I can't imagine it, no matter how hard i try.
Have you actually explained to your dh how concerned you feel about the practicalities of this dog.

I wonder whether you would benefit from some counselling for yourself, so that you realise you are an equal partner in your marriage. It seems like you've made a deal that he works full time and you do everything else, including facilitating his desire to own a dog. I am not sure that marriage should be like that.

However, you asked for tips, so here's my two pennies worth.
Don't get a golden retriever, whilst they are lovely dogs, they are not for the faint hearted. They are big and hairy and boisterous - fine if thats what you want, but if you are looking for a canine version of a cat - they do not qualify!
You need to research breeds thoroughly, the good and the bad of each. If you talk to a breed enthusiast (like you find at discover dogs at Crufts), they will just sing their breeds' praises and seem oblivious to their failings.
IMO a whippet may fit the bill. They would be able to go for long walks/short runs with your dh, they wouldn't be too strong pulling on a lead, they like their comfort and should sleep a proportion of the day. They can be 'needy' though, so you would have to balance that.
I would also suggest waiting til your children are older, mine are 10 and 13 and are able to take our dogs out when I can't be bothered, or we are short on time.

Good luck with your decision and don't rush into anything 'just to get it over with', a dog can live for 15 years.

I just want to come in here with a rather gruesome point re long haired dogs like golden retrievers and spaniels.
As if you weren’t already against the idea of a dog enough already

I have a long haired dog and I’m sorry to tell you that long haired dogs can sometimes get wee stuck to the hairs which if not addressed results in a revolting sticky smelly mass of solid stuck down hair and if they have a poorly tummy poo can get stuck in the hair also...

The prevention for this is a so called ‘sanitary trim’ (what my dog has) which is basically keeping a shaved down belly, inner thighs, bum and inner base of tail.

Or alternatively frequent checking and wiping.

So I probably wouldn’t advise a long haired breed.

OP, I really don't understand what you mean when you say that the kids have got swimming lessons and other activities and that you would need to leave the dog in the house and it would bark, cry, wee, etc. What I don't understand about that is I have 2 dogs, I work and so does DH and the dogs are left in the house when we are at work, before work we walk them in the morning and walk them in them when I get home (I work part time also) and they don't bark, they don't wee in the house, etc like you said your worry is. You gradually build them up to that and you should probably crate train them. Having dogs are the best part of my life but if I want to go out for a day or I want to go out shopping or do just normal things then I can, my dogs will be fine! I really don't get why you are worrying about it because what are you going to do when you are working part time and no one is in the house? You said as well you can't leave the kids with the dog but you can leave the kids in the room with the dog, the dog or the kids don't need to go everywhere with you if your in the house they are 8? I think you mentioned that's a reasonable age for you to go make dinner in the kitchen and the dog and the kids can stay in the living room. If your DH wants the dog, tell him he's the one who's getting up early, he's doing the main walks and that you'll let the dog out for a toilet. Dogs don't need constant attention like you have mentioned as well, my 2 dogs are sat chilling in the living room right now and one is a puppy, she'll stay like that until bedtime and she'll go straight to her bed and sleep until tomorrow morning for her walk. I wouldn't stress about it too much, you won't need to do as much work as what you think when it gets a bit older.

I wouldn't recommend a puppy to you though because they are A LOT of work, if you want a dog get an older one that isn't going to need that much attention.