Tips for a reluctant dog owner other than ‘don’t do it’?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Apologies for long OP. Trying not to drip feed.

So DH really wants a dog. Backstory is that I knew from when we first got together nearly 20 years ago that he wanted one. I agreed we would. We got a cat first (still have the cat who I adore) and now have two DC age 6 and 8.

I am part time, the kids are old enough and theoretically we could get one now. I have said that when DH is off then he needs to be responsible for the dog.

However, I am under no illusions. I know that it will be me doing the vast majority of the work. I don’t like dogs and I know also it will be harder then having another child.

I don’t find parenting or housekeeping (for want of a better word) easy and I know they having a dog will only make both of those things harder.

I’m not going to veto it. I knew when we met and when we married that one day I would have to get a dog. Looking back now I might have made different decisions but that is for another thread. I would never say he couldn’t get one. To me (just my opinion) it would be like one partner changing their mind on whether to have DC or how many to have. I would view that as an absolute dealbreaker and would never go back on such an arrangement. I don’t think changing your mind on that is acceptable (awful life events excepted).

So the point of my OP...

Any survival tips to get through it? How do I keep my marriage intact and my sanity? I feel he is unrealistic about the amount of work involved but at least I am realistic about how incredibly hard it is going to be.

I would want to get to the stage of liking the dog but am realistic that this may never happen. I would care for the dog, do the walks, the training etc. but am worried I would not love it.

DH and kids want a puppy. On the one hand I think that once the initial horror is done then in a couple of years at least you have a dog that has grown up with the kids and cat already there. Or is a rescue dog better but then what about behavioural problems?

OP, your life doesn’t sound great to be honest
You sound worn down, depressed and resigned to things being a bit shit
Don’t be a martyr, your lifestyle is not compatible with a dog, you will have to make huge changes. It’s not fair on a dog to get one to save your marriage ( which doesn’t sound great anyway)
I have a dog, I love him but he’s hard work and it’s even worse with dc trying to juggle everything. DH does a lot of walks etc and takes a very active role in everything dog related but it still largely falls on me because I’m at home the most. I know you said advise other than don’t do it but
DONT DO IT

I, too, worry about the dynamic and whether or not this is a symptom of deeper issues.

I will note that it is very, very, very different going from having a dog as a child to having one as an adult and having all the hard work. Bloody hell it's hard work in comparison to what I remember from my childhood. Sunny walks like today are delightful. Winter walks in the dark, cold and rain are a chore - and I say that as someone who adores DDog.

I suspect that he will quietly realise this, and show himself not to be sufficiently responsible within a relatively short period of time. From that point of view, I'd look for a short to medium term form of dog care, not starting with a 12+ year commitment. For instance

• fostering for a local dog rescue or breed rescue
• adopting an elderly dog
• looking after a friend's dog for a fortnight while they go on holiday
• Borrow My Doggy (ideally when someone is going on holiday)

Of course, he needs to stick to the agreement to do the walks etc while you have the dog in the household.

If he really wants a dog then he'd jump at the chance of doing any of the above. If he really wants a dog he'll be cooing over anything that isn't trying to rip your arm off (or at least, that was me when I was dog-less for 8 years). If he only wants a puppy of one breed and nothing else interests him, I don't believe he actually wants a dog enough.

I genuinely don't understand why you think you have to go ahead with this because you promised 20 years ago. You cannot compare it to having a child.

You wouldn't have known at the time how a dog can alter your life and it will be your life that changes.

The children will be interested for 5 minutes and will resent having to give up all their activities despite what they say now.

Also, why are you the one researching breeds, day care, costs etc. when he is so desperate to have one?

I doubt he is that desperate for one - he sounds selfish.

Have suggested all the above already as I have lurked in The Doghouse for a while. He doesn’t want to do any of those things and we don’t really have a dog we could look after while owners away except maybe BIL’s dog but they tend to have other people looking after her.

Well no but you can absolutely say the same for children. I had no idea how my life would change before I had then. I didn’t plan enough pre DC for what things would be like and I would like to be more organised for a dog.

Everyone I know with a dog says you should compare it to having a child as the lifestyle change, cost and work are similar and probably more.

I know OP will get pissed off soon because she doesn't want anyone telling her not to get a dog but...whhhhhhy?!?!? Why are you on here asking for advice?! You accepted he would want a dog but why on earth do you need to accept it is your responsibility? Why isn't your husband researching it all? And yes retirement might be 30years but why does he need one NOW? Why not in 10years when the kids get older? I just don't get why you are treating this dog like a child and acting like it is incredibly important!

If someone wants a dog THEY do the legwork and figure out a way to make it work. If they don't then bugger them!

I think what people mean when they say you can not compare it to having a child is that if you marry someone knowing they want children, then yes that is a game changer and possibly the end of a marriage if one party changes their mind. A dog is NOT comparable to this. It is not a game changer.

They aren't talking about how dogs are like children. They ARE like children.

It will not be harder than having another child. Hard yes, but not THAT hard.

My tips would be :

• get a short haired breed or one that doesn't shed
• Set your rules up front. I would suggest you use a crate and that you fix rules about where the dog is allowed to go. In my house that means no dogs upstairs. My DS has no dogs in the living room.
• be firm about sending dog to kennels, you Don't want to suddenly limit your holiday choices because the dog has to come too. This is one of the ways dogs are much easier than children.

He isn’t researching it as he thinks it will all be easy. It will be my responsibility as if I am in the house more I can’t just ignore the dog can I? I am trying to be responsible about it and not be cruel to the dog. I will be the one having to leave to do the school run then activities and wondering what the fuck I am going to do with the dog.

However, I have just spoken to him and said I expect him to do the legwork of research and figuring out the logistics.

As I have said, it would be worse in 10 years. By then the kids would be fairly independent and I would be going back to basically having a toddler. He grew up with a dog and wants the same for them.

OP why are YOU doing all the research here?! You don’t want a dog, your DH does. So why isn’t he sitting down and doing all the thinking about breeds and costs and work and routines and setting it all out to persuade you?

I wouldn’t mention the dog again. Let him bring it up, let him persuade you, let him make the case and put it in writing about how he will commit to looking after the dog. And if, not when, IF he gets a dog you have to stick to it being his dog. You have to harden your heart and not do the shit work of walks in the rain or extra housework or taking it to the vet. And if you come round to the dog and love it then that’s a bonus. But still don’t let him palm off the admin onto you. There is a surprising amount of thinking to do about a dog - insurance, vet, regular worm and flea treatment, socialising, booking dog holiday sitters and walkers if needed, or dog- friendly holidays if not. It all ends up being wife-work believe me.

And they Don't cost anywhere near as much as children - our DDog costs us about £1000 including meds, food and kennel stays.

I wish the children were that cheap.

The idea of a dog is a nice one. Summer days with a gorgeous doggie trotting alongside you. It’s sounds like he has a very idealistic view of dog ownership. Why are you doing all the research? A dog is not the same as a child. Plus you can take children pretty much anywhere but you can’t take a dog.

This isn't a dog issue. It's a husband issue.

Honestly, you'd get divorced if you said no to a dog? Then this is a marriage already in trouble I think. You ARE allowed to say no to this. You are carefully thinking it through but the facts are the facts here - you don't want a dog. His needs for a spaniel trump your mental health needs do they?

Stop talking yourself into something you do not want. Sit down and tell him that you just do not want a dog and if he wants to divorce you over this then crack on

Honestly, it doesn't matter if he's long held this desire to own a dog. EVERYONE needs to be fully on board and you're not. Disappointing for him but that's sometimes the way these things go

Surely people are allowed to change their mind? You seriously can't be held to something that you agreed to before you had kids....?

Failing that.... short haired dog. To keep cleaning down, perhaps don't let it on the sofa or upstairs.

Some greyhounds are safe with cats. Mine was incredibly aloof though, and didn't give much back. We adored her, but she was like " meh" towards us. It did make looking after her hard in the beginning....

This is an absolute disaster waiting to happen.
You are allowed to change your mind, you might think it unfair/unkind but if you don't want a dog the fall out will be far worse. Don't kid yourself you are being kind and selfless by giving in.

Yes you truly need to drop the martyr attitude towards this. Just tell him that after consideration, it's a no

Had to comment as I'm in almost exactly the same position.

DH always had dogs growing up, has always said he wants one. We got a house that came with a cat (!) and have grown to love the cat - however it's super easy without having to walk them/able to go out for the day/just ask someone to pop in to feed and water when on holiday.
His mum did all the hard work with the dog at home so he's never had to go rainy walks/poop scooping/admin/taking to vets/groomers etc.

I've said no. He said he will get a divorce so he can have a dog. I don't think he will. I would end up divorcing him when inevitably the novelty wears off and I'm left doing all the work!

I love dogs and wanted a husky puppy.

That would have been plainly ridiculous because of practicalities. So what we got was an older, rescue, racing bread cross, short hair.

If your DH wants a dog, he needs to think more sensibly than, 'I want a Springer puppy and someone else will do the work'.

Really do appreciate all advice.

I was desperate to have a cat. If DH hadn’t agreed to get a cat I would have seriously considered leaving him. If I hadn’t left him I would have never forgiven him.

So I think it is entirely reasonable to divorce if someone goes back on the deal to get a dog. I don’t think people should change their minds, no.

Sorry you are in this position Hip .

I think PP are right; I will leave it for now and get him to do some legwork and wait for him to bring it up again.

You're having a dog to save your marriage?

If you're dead set on doing this then get a low energy, non moulting breed. Something that's happy to chill most of the day. For goodness sake don't get a springer. That's just asking for trouble by the barrow load. If he really wants a dog then he'll compromise.

It sounds like he wants a dog with his childhood set up, where his parents did the care and he played with it a bit when it suited him to. Except you're taking on the parental role.

I was in a similar situation to you OP. We've agreed that DH would get a dog at some stage - with that being when he retires - but then DS who is an only would complain that we deprived him of a ddog when he was young and it would put the kibbosh on my grand plans to do a lot of traveling in early retirement.

So I relented and we got rookiepup. I know what my DH and DS are like and I also work pt 4 days per week one of which is from home, so I wrote a contract that we all signed before getting the ddog and have been quite tough on DH with it - and to be fair DH has really stepped up to the mark on it - don't even get me started in teenage DS.

We are different though as in DH also works a day from home and the agreement is that if I need to go into the office on my wfh day or just simply fancy actually doing activities of my own choosing on my day off, then he will arrange the dog walkers. Pricey but sorts it out . I also refuse to have any responsibility for coordinating the doggy day care as i've said i've done my stint organising care and school holidays cover etc for DS so I'm done. Still would rather we didn't have ddog than we did as just one more logistical issue but he is a lovely mutt with a great temperament.

In your shoes I would start thinking about what conditions would put the least amount of work on you if you really feel this needs to happen.In my case I refuse to get up at the weekend in the morning to let the ddog out if DH is around as my days of early starts are over. On my wfh day DH now has to do the morning walk as its just ground hog day if I do that and lunchtime walk. I also joined borrowmydoggy so I get respite that way if DH is away or we want to go out as a family for more than a couple of hours.

I was desperate to have a cat. If DH hadn’t agreed to get a cat I would have seriously considered leaving him. If I hadn’t left him I would have never forgiven him

Well, good luck to you then. People are allowed to change their minds when life moves forward. As we grow older we cannot possibly predict how we will feel.

I think half the problem might be that you seem to have put owning a cat above being with someone you love, so you are probably thinking he would feel the same. Most people would not consider leaving someone over changing their their mind about having a pet, that isn't the norm. I would imagine your dh hasn't considered leaving you over it, unless your marriage is unhappy anyway.

You are right, just leave it for now.

I was your dh 14 years ago. I was the one who desperately wanted a dog and agreed to do all the work. (Dh and dcat both took a lot of convincing). We got ddog and I can honestly say she made our lives better and she is dearly loved by the entire family including both generations of cat siblings.

But being the one who does all the work (as agreed) is stressful. Some things I didn't really think through and you should ensure your dh realises that these are part of his side of the bargain:

• letting dog out for a late night wee ... and in... and out ...and in and out just when the match or your favourite TV programme is starting
• planning alternative dog care every time you want to go on a longer family day trip (or visit to friends or work conference or event)
• taking dog to groomer or doing the grooming , bathing and anal gland emptying
• vet trips, not just when dog is sick but routine jabs, worming etc
• poo picking every day before your dcs can play in the garden

-walks in the rain and cold. Every day.

• training, not just puppy classes and obedience but repeated 5 minutes of recall etc every day again and again and again
• house training, standing out in a freezing gale or tipping rain praying dog will squat in the right place so you can reward the magic moment instead of cleaning the corner of the dc's bedroom AGAIN
• clearing up the mud, sick, poo, wee

Have a really clear discussion about what exactly he thinks he will do and even write it down. Unless your DH agrees to do all this every day (and not just when he's off work) then it's fair not to go ahead.However, as I said despite all the above, ddog has greatly enhanced all our lives, made our dcs' childhoods happier and brought us all closer together as a family. Even when our dcs were being horrible teens and hating everyone we all still loved the dog. She didn't cost anywhere near as much as dcs, let alone teenagers and she certainly hasn't been as much work as another child.

Holding someone to a promise made 20 years ago, without any regard for the current circumstances, on threat of divorce seems madness to me.

Choosing a hypothetical future pet, be it a cat or a dog, over a current actual relationship is a pretty unusual set of priorities.

Well yes, I wouldn’t say we had the best marriage anyway although my DH might disagree. If I had had a crystal ball I might have made different decisions. I find it very hard work.