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The doghouse

If you're worried about your pet's health, please speak to a vet or qualified professional.

Original poster

What’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever said to your dog?

124 replies

TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue · 28/03/2019 18:52

I have just told my youngish puppy ‘Barking is a place in Essex; not something we do in this house’.

I have a memory of my very straight-laced mother, who never babied any of us children, telling our horrendous but lovable rescue, she had to go out ‘to earn pennies for Bounce’.

OP posts:
Spaceunicorn6789 · 28/03/2019 18:56

GET YOUR TONGUE OUT IF MY MOUTH on an almost daily basis. It's her favourite thing to do every time I yawn.

Kobea · 28/03/2019 19:02

Don't bite the cats arsehole you dirty fucker

Stop stealing knickers

Have you eaten another candle?

These were just from today. I could easily give you 20,000 more. He is 6 months old.

YorkshireIndie · 28/03/2019 19:04

Just because you farted does not mean I need to smell it

Context: the dog had moved closer to me in bed and then farted. So so kind

Squickety · 28/03/2019 19:05

Daily:

No, I'm going for a wee, it's a one person activity and you can't come with me

GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF MY FOOF! Not a sentence I'd ever said pre Ddog Grin

ScarletPower · 28/03/2019 19:07

"PUT DOWN THE KNIFE, HERE HAVE THIS SPOON IT'S GOT YOGHURT ON IT!"

Life with a dog that is big enough to counter surf.

missbattenburg · 28/03/2019 19:08

"If you stick your nose in there, I am going to piss on it"

Battendog has pushes his nose in between your knees/legs when asking for fuss. Cute.

He has absolutely no sense of it being inappropriate to do this when you're sat on the loo. Not cute.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/03/2019 19:14

Did you see that??? (Near car accident when we were walking) my dad once asked the dog if she remembered the Thomas the tank episode from last week then he realised a,no kids were in the house why was he watching kids TV b, he was talking to the dog c, no dogs on the furniture rule had definitely been broken!

Original poster
TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue · 28/03/2019 19:55

I know I have also been in the garden saying:

‘ Those are my pants, they are not your pants; puppies do not wear pants’.

I have not mastered the art of not trying to reason with her so our conversations are odd.

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 28/03/2019 19:58

Urgh u eat like such an animal
Hmm

ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil · 28/03/2019 20:04

Oh god.

'Who stole my knickers?' (3 dog household)

'No, you can't jump on my lap while I'm peeing'

'Don't eat your fathers glasses'

'Who crapped on the PETA leaflet?'

'Oh god, whose poo is that?'

'I've told you before, don't cock your leg on the penguin'

'How the hell did you get into the fridge?'

'I can't believe you opened the child gate.'

'Put. The. Battery. Down.'

My neighbours must wonder wtf goes on in our house Blush

user1471453601 · 28/03/2019 20:08

Look at my watch (while turning my watch face to her), it's 3:00, you get fed at 4:00. Didn't work and I gave in at 3:40

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2019 20:12

Not me but DH “now what have I told you about chasing the cat?”
In a very calm and reasonable voice

MellowMelly · 28/03/2019 20:12

In the last week...

‘Eating the babies poopy nappy is not the way forward’

and

‘Give me the toilet brush back you feral beast’

BertrandRussell · 28/03/2019 20:14

I once genuinely said “Oh, Mabel, can you get my book while you’re over there please?”

FrangipaniBlue · 28/03/2019 20:33

"Put the traffic cone down!!"

"We don't eat other people's poop!!" (Although eating our own poop is perhaps acceptable Confused)

YorkshireIndie · 28/03/2019 20:49

Here is another one: I am just going to the toilet. I do not need company

Anyone else found life with a dog means going to the toilet to a spectator sport? Only me - OH does not have this glory?

ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil · 28/03/2019 20:53

Yep, 2 ddogs looking at me, one trying to climb onto lap Confused

If I actually manage to shut them out of the bathroom, they scratch on the door till dh lets them in!

Elephantina · 28/03/2019 20:56

That better not be cat shit.

Prequelle · 28/03/2019 21:01

'Don't lick my bloody nipple!'

For some reason when I've just got out of the shower he makes an absolute BEELINE for my nipples. Sorry I know this is TMI.

ilovepixie · 28/03/2019 21:02

Stop licking my eyeball!

TheFaerieQueene · 28/03/2019 21:04

You won’t like miso.
(I bet she bloody would!)

Ohjustboreoff · 28/03/2019 21:08

To dog - Will you stop licking DS's willy!
To DS - Stop letting the dog lick your willy!

Not something I thought I'd be saying... ever!

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 28/03/2019 21:14

Socks are not snacks

pansydansy · 28/03/2019 21:23

"Make better choices Hilda" after I found her chewing yet another peg from the garden.

"Fuck off you dickhead" after I caught her chewing my new rug.

"Stop humping Rogers face " the cat

"Battersea has spaces" after I caught her peeing in a shoe

All today. Dh asked me who I was talking too 🙈

It's all fun and games with a 6 month old puppy!

ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil · 28/03/2019 21:40

Ah, the eyeball licking. Strangely glad its not just me.

Also 'No, I don't want your tongue up my nostril'

'Stop humping his front leg.'

Have actually said 'look, its fine if you're gay, but I don't think he's interested.'
Outside. In public. While trying to remove randy (on lead) terrier from a grumpy looking Alsatian. Tbf, Alsatian owner now keeps his dog on a lead too... and walks the other way if he sees us Blush