What’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever said to your dog?

[TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue]

I have just told my youngish puppy ‘Barking is a place in Essex; not something we do in this house’.

I have a memory of my very straight-laced mother, who never babied any of us children, telling our horrendous but lovable rescue, she had to go out ‘to earn pennies for Bounce’.

‘ I can go to the loo unsupervised ‘

Said to new Dalmatian who wants to be EVERWHERE with me .

Leaving the vets (after him misbehaving)
“You made us both look fools”

"You are not human, so stop acting like you are "

"Why are you sleeping on top of my head"

"Stop licking my nipple"

"Gosh that's lovely of you but I can't give birth in that hole."

He dug me a den like a proper huge den under the playhouse the night I went into labour. He knew I was in labour but I didn't!

I don't have a dog but overheard this exchange between my neighbour and her dog-

Woman: Get here now!

Dog: Barking

Woman: Are you deaf? I said get here now!!

Dog: Barks twice

Woman: Don't you bark at me

Dog: Barks back once at her in a ' I will do as I want kind of way'

Made me laugh

Stop running, act your age! Which is a waste of breath because she's deaf and can't hear me anyway 😊😂

"We don't roll in poo in this family"
For context, my dog is a rescue. So then I said "maybe you rolled in poo with your old family but we don't do it here".

I just said "don't growl at your sister, she's only little" Very jealous big sister behaviour. (who gets to sit next to me on the sofa. we have to take turns!

Oh ffs get your head out of the pick n mix )this is code for litter tray) 😂
The puppy is chewing something. Oh ffs it's a shit 😂

I once asked the dog if he would like some lunch.

Ohjustboreoff totally wins

Stop chewing the babies leg.
Said every day.
It's not so much of a chew as a "why doesn't this thing play with me" tug.
The baby is 3 months old.

To my cat, not dog: don't be a wanker

Pretty much every day I say to him ‘shall we do your dinner?’ As if one day he’s going to say ‘do you know what, I fancy a meal out tonight. Shall we go to the pub?’

‘Stop being a knob.’
‘If you don’t stop that I’ll put you on eBay.’
‘Are you tired?’
‘Look! Cows/sheep/horses/a train!’

"Well I knew we should have got a more appropriate dog!" he looked really sad and I felt bad

I talk to him all the time. Every day I say "Im off to get your sister (school run) No, sorry you can't come. Stop giving me the sad look..."

I sing ditties to the dog

"Who's the BESTEST dog, who's the BESTEST dog, you are the BESTEST dog, you're the bestest dog"

In the street often. Occasionally when I don't know someone's behind me. And memorably on a train at Charing Cross when I thought everyone had got off and I was preparing her for the busy walk down to Embankment.

I'm too old to be embarrassed, I just shrugged 🤷‍♀️

I make up songs for my dog all the time haha

Sing to 'Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer

'Dexter the English Bulldog
Had a very smelly bum
All of the other bulldogs
They would turn away and run

Then one rather farty day
Mummy came to say
Dexter with your bum so bad
You, smell just like your dad'

I have possibly hundreds of songs I sing.

I sing too. we have a bedtime song. If you watch Rhett and link on gmm (relevent username!) they have a mail song so weve changed it to bedtime song.

"You know what time it is, it's bedtime and bedtime means sleeeep!"

Glad I am not the only one who sing puppy ditties. I have the most horrible singing voice; poor dog.

The ‘i’m going to swap you for a kitten’ is also used a little too regularly.

"Whippets don't need glasses" (she was just robbing my DM's reading glasses)

"Put the crayon down"

"You are my favorite- don't tell the others"

"If you wait like a good girl I'll get us a treat" (She waited in the car while I nipped into Tesco, so we shared a piece of rotisserie chicken in the car)

"Are you a dickhead trapped in the bathroom again?" (she can nose the door open to get in but can't get out).

"ugh...don't lick my back"

I can't believe you shit that out whole ! Said to the Labrador.

Stop rubbing your penis. Said frequently to both male French bulldogs.
Don't piss on your brother,also both male frenchies !

Get your face out of the cats arse . Said regularly to puppy ,followed almost immediately by ,don't try and kiss me when you've just had your face in the cats bottom !

Put that poo down ,also the puppy .

“Stop licking the rabbit”

“Get off her, she’s your mother”

“Seriously Frank, get off my lap and let me pee in peace. It’s not a spectator sport you know”

“I’m sorry Finty, he must take after his father”

All of these are said to/about the same dog.

Will you just have a fucking piss?!

Said at 11.30pm after 20 minutes of nice "do wee wee" and me desperate to go to bed....it worked though!

I did once try to explain about the air braking system of the artic lorry, when she got spooked near the road as they made that noise. Realised, quite quickly that I didn’t understand it myself!!!