What’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever said to your dog?

[TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue]

I have just told my youngish puppy ‘Barking is a place in Essex; not something we do in this house’.

I have a memory of my very straight-laced mother, who never babied any of us children, telling our horrendous but lovable rescue, she had to go out ‘to earn pennies for Bounce’.

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Just reading this and sniggering a great deal.
When I moved out at 17, my mum replaced the only framed pic of me with a picture of Jack the dog.
When he was hit by a car, she slept with him on a mattress downstairs for weeks

Anyway the thing I always remember her saying is "no, please stop eating the wall" 😂😂😂

[mydogisthebest]

I talk to my dogs all the time. When I let them in the garden I always say "no barking or you will come in" and, far too often, "stop humping out there"! They are both male

[Loolol64]

We got in from a walk and were both soaking wet from a sudden downpour. I rubbed my dog down with a towel and said "There darling. Do you feel more human now?" I still don't know where that came from.

[Poppiedeesmummy]

Random things everyday! Todays worst was definitely "I no how much you want to live in my mouth but I don't like it" 😂😂
My jack Russell likes to lick the insides of my mouth whenever I speak, yawn or just any chance she gets 😂

[Aimily]

I said the oddest thing without thinking when I went shopping with my mil this afternoon and as I left the house I said "Bert you're in charge, if dad acts up nibble his toes"

First, Bert is Ddog, his name is actually Teddy, not Bert at all, but I've always called him Tedbert and it has shorted over the years.
Second, he has no teeth so can not nibble.

[Lemonsquinky]

Bless you. When he sneezed, although I have said bless you when someone sneezed on the television.
This is why I tell you not to eat grass. While pulling a blade of grass out his bum hole.
Dat cat's not dere anymore.
It's raining, the cats won't be out.
Aahhh, you brought me the sock, what a lovely boy bringing me a present. Usually the stinky socks from the laundry pile.

[Lemonsquinky]

So it's okay for you to press your nose on another dog's butt, but they can't do it to you?

[Buddytheelf85]

‘Thank you for pressing your anus into my face, that was a real treat.’

[ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil]

'Get your foot out of my...(insert any bodily orifice here)'

[Cath2907]

Stop eating your sister's knickers.

Where the HELL did you get that nasty thing? Actually I don't care - go put it back!

You are a dog - you don't need shoes, go put it back.

[babyno5]

Omg what is that smell? I think something has crawled up your arse and died 😂😂

[ABitOTT]

We have an old rescue dog who likes walk at his own pace. Normally he dawdles so DH who hates dawdling sings "Come on Arnie" to the tune of that classic 80s hit Come on Eileen. Only found out today as was with them. Our dog ignored him & carried on at his slow pace.

Also our dog sings along with me if I sing what is known as the cuddle song. The words of the songare quite complicate so I'll write them here; "cuddle cuddle cuddle cuddle cuddle". If anyone else tries to sing the cuddle song to him, the dog growls & looks at them with distain.

I'm glad I'm not the only one here who asks the woofer if he wants his dinner. The difference with me is I'll then put on a voice pretending to be the dog. I also always tell him how delicious his food smells while I'm prepping it. All dog food smells like shit! Our dog gives me that kind of look which says; "oh I pity you pretending the food smells good, but I'll eat anything anyway including shit".

[Tillygetsit]

"Stumpy says no." Stumpy is an elephant clock and this is said when my 2 lurchers start begging for their dinner an hour early. Can't believe I just admitted that I named a clock. Our washing machine is called William. 😳

[ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil]

Tillygetsit I've named cars, DH's guitars, stuffed toys (I'm in my 30s...) and a hoover. But never a clock
and now my washing machine is looking at me

'I told you, peeing on a nettle is going to hurt' was today's offering.

[UnicornPug]

My dog has his own theme tune, a bit like spongebob square pants.

I say ‘I love you more when you DON’T put your tongue in my mouth’ every day.

Also, when I come in and he’s so pleased to see me I do a while running commentary thing while he’s lying on me and whimpering... ‘oh, I went out and you were here and it was the worst day ever! And I missed you and you missed me? But it’s ok now because I’m back and you love me and I love you and it’s all good...’ And he just lies there all loved up and DH is because he’s being ignored

[Idlikeabunchofbananasplease]

Omg too funny guys, Stop humping dad's leg, go get your toy buddy, no that's not your toy that's a bucket, and last but not least stop eating cat shit

[Travellinghappy]

‘Put your willy away when you’re on the sofa’ and ‘no licking your bum on the sofa’. Bit of a theme here 😆

[TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue]

Today we discussed Brexit - luckily we have very similar views.

In less erudite moments we made up ‘The Waggy Tail Song’ - this involves a great deal of bottom-wiggling and wagging from both of us - we shall only be singing it in the privacy of our own home!

[Accountant222]

I going to take you to the beach next week Bo Bo for your birthday

[Hoppinggreen]

I explain everything to my dog
“We are going out now but will be home by 2 ( which is silly because there’s no clock in his room) but you will be fine with a lovely chew and your snuggly bed and you did have a lovely walk earlier. We love you very much and will see you soon”

[Saucery]

“No one wants to listen to you out on a nice walk!” as she barked at Invisible Things in the lake.

[harrypotterfan1604]

If you keep behaving like that other dogs won’t be your friend they’ll think your nasty 😂

[aposterhasnoname]

OMFG that’s a walking stick, where the fuck did you get that from! Shit!

[RosieEffect]

'That's why you don't have any friends' when barking at other dogs

'If you don't stop barking you're going to lose window privileges.' When threatening to close the curtains.

'Is there a bumble bee in your beard?!'

'You're MY baby' pretty much everyday.