What’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever said to your dog?

[TheHorseOnSeventhAvenue]

I have just told my youngish puppy ‘Barking is a place in Essex; not something we do in this house’.

I have a memory of my very straight-laced mother, who never babied any of us children, telling our horrendous but lovable rescue, she had to go out ‘to earn pennies for Bounce’.

"I can only watch the rest of Black Swan if you watch it with me. Come up here on the sofa." (He did, but he didn't look too impressed with the film)

"stop that teddy doesn't like it"
"put your willy away we don't want to see it"

Said frequently to our male 2.5yr old neutered male ddog as he tries to dtd with a soft toy.

In my head he replies "Teddy loves it.. Look he's smiling"

I have also asked him if Teddy fully understands consent and today said "you need to watch the cup of tea film on consent cus I'm sure Teddy DOES NOT LIKE IT"

On the subject of songs, I have actually rewritten the lyrics of the whole of Moonlight Shadow for my dog. The chorus goes:

5am in the morning
Woken up by an empty tummy
I see the sunrise dawning
And I know it's time to wake up mummy

I huff, I puff
They give me breakfast but it's not enough
I huff, I puff
Being small and furry is sometimes tough

Etc etc

I'm not sure she appreciates my musical genius (or my singing) sadly!

Love this thread.

I talk to my dog all the time so far too many to list.

One of my most regular though was: stop eating bark, you've got enough bark already - she's a small yappy breed, although I've got it under reasonable control and she doesn't tend to eat bark any more thankfully as it used to make her vomit.

When her behaviour is annoying me: if you don't stop that you'll be gloves before bedtime - she has beautiful long fur and would make a lovely pair of gloves, although not sure you'd actually get more than one small glove out of her.

Witnessed by a non dog walker who gave me a strange look " Father Christmas only brings presents for good dogs, so you need to start thinking about your behaviour "

I was reading this thread, went to the door to say goodbye to DH and heard DDog2 scrabble on to the sofa so I said "If you've touched those donuts I'm sending you oop north" (this refers to sending him back to where we got him - which is MIL who would spoil him rotten so it's a stupid threat).

We have laminate flooring I semi-regualrly threaten to cut off their feet because of the noise

DDog 2 is also instructed to "sing for your supper, come on and sing for your supper" followed by both of us howling together.

Others include "stop watching me pee," "stop eating the moisturiser you weirdo," "FFS why are you covered in bloody glitter" and "DH, I think she ate the pants you can't find."

I have 2 terriers (or terrors I suppose). Love them dearly but some of their actions are

“Have you just wee-ed on his head?” to dog 1, followed by “Have you just had your head wee-ed on?” to dog 2.

“Okay who farted” Stupid really because neither of the cats or the puppy can answer - it’s usually the puppy.

Not speaking as such but I spend ages making pig noises at the puppy because he absolutely loves it

I genuinely thought I would never have to ask DH if something had wee’d or pooed again.

Just remembered another

"Goddammit dog you are not a cat!"

(20 odd kilo English Bull Terrier..... likes to sit on the living room window sill people watching..... he doesn't fit, regularly falls off and gets wedged behind the sofa!!)

Can you pass me the remote controls please

Frangipan Our family dog was an English bull terrier. I loved him so much, he was a complete gentle giant - but I remember my dad saying things like "oh god, don't eat that / you're going to be sick / what have you eaten, your farts stink" 😂

He was also told on a regular basis to move incase he got sunburnt and "you're a dog, you're not meant to be friends with the cat / rabbit / squirrel / bird etc"

He regularly pulled the blanket inside his kennel up against the doorway and would then sit and whine because he couldn't get out, got himself stuck under the dining table chairs often and once stole my mums fleece dressing gown, curled up in it and somehow managed to wedge his head into the armhole and couldn't get out

Brilliant dog he was

Yes, You are Very Clever, Yes You Are, Yes, Yes
You Don't want that nasty chewing gum on the pavement, here's something MUCH nicer

in both cases I think the dog understands more than words...

I think in the END my dog will learn human speech..I am convinced of it

"The cat litter tray is NOT a serve yourself snack box."

Nobody loves you when you do that.
I’m sure the rescue would take you back.
Why are you such a massive dick?
You are not people. You are dog.

Various songs- mostly about how handsome he is. There are ones for different times of the day, home from work song, bedtime song etc.
I luffs my dog I does.

@DoodleLab we call the litter tray "the pick n mix" 😂

Behave both of you or I’ll sell ye on eBay to dog and cat
Stop wagging your tail in the cat’s face to dog whilst cat is sleeping on the chair.
If either of you trip me up you’ll both be rehomed to both dog and cat about 10 times a day
Stop sulking to the dog aboyt 100 times a day
Stop whinging to the cat the same
If you bite the leaf blower I’m putting you in the house
You have already been out several times today to dog with a tennis ball in his mouth
Dog is a rough collie cross and elderly cat is a tabby.

"Mind your language" when DDog is encouraging other dogs to play with him.

" I could build a sandcastle with this one"

Context - On beach walks DDog picks up stones, carries them, drops them, digs them up again. This is repeated along the complete stretch of beach. He eats/inhales so much sand it works its ways thru to his system. His poos later that day are rather crumbly

'Stop jumping in your water bowl'

'Take this to daddy' - then remembered a) she is a puppy b) the 'children' left home years ago!

I have plenty more..but can't think of them right now!

These are all fantastic.

I sing to my girl regularly, she sometimes joins in.

“No it’s not dinner time, you just ate”
“Give me big kisses”. She holds up her nose for a kiss

We had an entire conversation about sexual consent the other day after PestDog was found licking another dog's nether regions and was eventually told off after licking her ear
"Pigeons are friends not food"
"Don't pee on my strawberries" (he rapidly learned he wasn't allowed on my grow bags, but saw nothing wrong in jumping over them, nearly felling my tomatoes in the process)
"You are not a gentle lover" - while humping my leg and starting to chew my thigh.
"Don't even think about chasing the ducks" - he obeyed that instruction, but unfortunately I hadn't spotted the squirrel hiding behind the ducks...

He recently started humping my leg while I was being interviewed by a foreign TV journalist. I couldn't say a word on that occasion - thankfully the camera was only on my head and shoulders so I had to be thoroughly professional and carry on like nothing was happening as the journo tried not to laugh.

"Stop whining at me, use your words!"

So so many:

You are acting like a shark, stop with the snapping

You really are a dickhead, that is my foot not a toy

Your dad will be home soon and I’ll tell him what you did

Stop sitting on your (human) brother! Dis weighs 3 stone, 8mo puppy weighs 6.5 stone (st Bernard x) and adores sitting with people. Unfortunately you do tend to end up rather trapped. Also

'What do you think you're playing at?'

'Stop acting like a baby'

'You can play in the garden but no barking or you'll be straight back inside' - every time he rings his bell to go out 😂

Love this thread :). I do tend on the please stop humping that, it’s your bed!

Lol, I fortunately don't have a dog that like to eat dog poo, but we regularly tell her to stop eating rabbit shit (DS giggles at this) also that's she's not a cow when she eats grass (And then goes into my bedroom and throws it up 😡) and she follows me to the loo all the time, but strangely won't come in if I'm in the bath (She worries we're going to bath her) but just tick-ticks up and down the hall! Stupid whippet!