I don't want my dog

[Notthisdog]

DP gave me a dog as a surprise birthday present in October. I've tried my best to love him and train him but there's always a nagging thought in the back of my mind that I don't really want him and I'm not sure what to do.

He is a good dog but he is not what I would have chosen for myself, the breed and gender are wrong for me.
The problem is, I would like a dog but just not him.

What do I do? The way I see it I've got 2 options. I can swallow my pride and admit it out loud, find him a new home and find a dog I would like in replacement.

Or I can carry on for another 15 years pretending to love him but really I'm only tolerating him.

Please don't judge me too harshly.

I feel for you OP. I would consider myself to be definitely more of a dog person than a car person, having grown up with Labradors from the moment I was born. However, I have never wanted a dog as I know how much of a huge commitment they are and I knew that I would also be lumbered with the walking, feeding, training, pop-picking etc. I never imagine if have to deal with it as my DH grew up frightened of dogs.
However, he started to talk about us getting a dog 'for the boys' (aged 7 and 10). They'd never asked for one and weren't too keen themselves. He got so caught up in the romance of long country walks, a dog curling up at your feet, a playmate for the children, do eventually the boys were won over too.
I was still digging my heels in - I definitely didn't want one.
He went quiet about it but just kept planting little seeds in their heads 'imagine if you could teach our dog tricks !', ' imagine stroking a dog when you feel sad '.

Eventually, he found a Beagle breeder fairly locally. He contacted them and found out that they were due to have puppies so asked to be kept informed. When the puppies arrived and were old enough he arranged, unbeknown to me, for us to have an afternoon out one weekend. Of course, we arrived at this house and immediately he and the two boys fell in love with the fluffy bundles. It was a really awkward situation and I just felt that I wanted to speak to him about it in private but before we knew it we were first on the list for a puppy, deposit paid and everything. I was not happy about it and didn't speak to him for a week. But he and the boys were ecstatic. He isn't usually devious at all but he knew he wanted a dog and he knew I would say no, so he got the children on board knowing that they are my weak spot.

Shortly after that, I became self-employed working from home )That was always on the cards anyway) and despite promises that he would take on the lions share of the dog duties, he refused to attend training classes because he claims he is still scared of dogs! I can't remember the last time he went into the garden to clear up any mess-I do it all. He ignores any training I have done with her, choosing instead to tell everybody that she is just full of character. I am stuck at home with the dog I did not want and yes I breed I would never have chosen. We are told constantly that she is a lovely dog and yes she has a lovely temperament. She is very playful, loves the children and i'm training her slowly. But as a self-employed person working from home, having a puppy but you didn't want grates a bit!
I am never unkind to her because it is not her fault but I do feel resentment because at the time I was launching my business, after five years of planning and building up the courage, I am now tied to a certain extent to the house because she is only young.
I would never have a puppy again and I would never allow myself to be put in this position again. He knows exactly how I feel, but thinks it's quite comical and assumes I will love her one day.

I don't agree with most of the comments I've read. (I've only read the first page)...

Getting a dog (or any pet) should involve a lot of thought and research and I totally understand what you mean about "the right breed". Every breed has deferent characteristics, behaviours and needs too so I think it's crucial to get the right dog for you and your family and I also think there is a difference in gender too - they behave differently. I think your partner getting you a surprise dog was a very silly thing to do - especially so soon after loosing your dog and something completely different to dogs you'd discussed!!

But, saying that - I'm a cat person really but my DS has wanted a dog since he could say the word (he's 10 now)... We lost our cat to cancer and I'm not working at the moment so we decided now was the right time to get a dog. Our choices were slightly limited as my son has allergies so we choose a Westie.... It's taken me a while to get used to having a dog and there have been times in the past where I wished I never got him and I wondered if I'd ever bond with him especially as I'm his prime carer, but I absolutely love him now and I would never be without him. We've had him 18 months now from a puppy!!

Although I think your partner made a huge mistake I would try and persevere as although I totally understand, the dog probably adores you now and it's not his fault!

Wow spikejack.... You poor thing! That was not a nice thing your OH did there! It's funny how OH & DC all say they'll do there share but never do so then we get stuck with it all!! Luckily my son has just taken on the dog walking now as I feel he's old enough and I struggle with my health! As you're the one stuck at home with him you shirks have at least been on board with it!!

This op just makes me incredibly sad. I have been involved in dog rescue, the reasons people give for wanting to rehome/abandon their dogs in some instances are pitiful. An awful statistic is that only 1 in 10 dogs get to stay in one home for life. Around 8,000 abandoned dogs are put to sleep each year by councils across the UK. We seem to be living in a throw away society where it has become acceptable to get rid of something we no longer want. A common reason for wanting to rehome generally stems from people not putting enough thought in to giving a dog a home, and all that entails. I do kind of get what the OP is saying and have some sympathy, as she didnt have any input in to the dog she now has, however there are no guaruntees she wouldnt feel the same about her preferred breed. A dog is a dog, you fall in love with its personality, not the breed.

Oh FFS the OP is not going to send the bloody dog to a rescue. And most of us know the stats.

Urgh the holier than thou posts from dog rescuers are really getting on my tits.

It's not very helpful though is it?

The OP feels crap. She has had a dog foisted on her that she doesn't want. But because it's a living breathing thing, she is supposed to just put up and shut up and care for it for 15 odd years.

She isn't going to put it in a rescue. She's never said that at all. But people keep banging on about it. For no good reason that I can see because it's entirely bloody irrelevant. This is about one poster's individual issue - not a public information announcement.

Wow what a lot of harshness.

It is only a dog. It's an animal not a human. It is being cared for. She's not going to dump it on the street, she's going to rehome it.

Agree with all above who said MN at most bonkers.

OP Find yourself a lovely dog you match. Enjoy your time with it. Be happy. Life is too short to be miserable.

Op I see where you are coming from. I chose my dog as I wanted a running partner and active friend , I love our time running across fields and through woods . I chose the breed to suit my lifestyle .
If I had been given a small lap dog as a gift I think i would have struggled . I'd have loved it but not as much as my furry bouncy runner.
Dogs need so much commitment , I think you enter a relationship of sorts together , it would be hard if there was no common ground ( if that makes sense) .
What a terrible situation you are in.

posting for arguments sake here now surely, as haven't all these things already been said over and over, and i wonder how helpful OP is finding them.

I really feel for you too Spike! forcing you to have a ddog anyway by deceit because he knew you'd say no?! OP,you're not alone! Its an awful way to treat an animal let alone your partner!!

I doubt OP will come back here. I hope she was able to see some positive posts, though and hasnt left this feeling like the worst dog owner in the world

I'm sorry this really annoys me I realize that its not your fault its your husbands for getting you a dog as a presant but its not the dogs fault if you don't want him then rehome him so the poor dog doesn't get attached to you dogs have feelings too you cant just pass them from pillar to post I rescue staffys and have seen so many not wanted it makes me sick

'Breed" is the problem here. I find it hard to talk about this in rl because it seems most people I know are getting designer puppies at the moment. I am fuming, when so many dogs sit in shelters and another person, who I thought had more sense says they are paying £100s to order up a Cavapoo or a whatever. Don't have a dog (or any pet) unless you are prepared to offer a home to one who needs it. The whole mindset of selecting what you want just upsets me. The whole animal breeding industry is part of the problem. Please please look after this dog and don't get another. A true dog lover would not even be asking.

No selecting a suitable breed is common sense.

As mentioned before, I have a collie/springer cross. He is a rescue stray and for all I know also might be part St Bernard. However his main characteristics are collie and springer. He is very energetic and requires stimulation and would not suit every dog lover.

He was probably abandoned by somebody who thought he was a cute puppy but didn't take his breeding into account.

How can anyone say that breed is unimportant, or irrelevant when choosing a dog?

If that is the case, why do warehouses use Dobermans as guard dogs and not Pugs?
Why don't Alaskans breed Yorkshire terriers to pull their sledges?
Maybe sheep can be rounded up by a Chihuahua

People choose dogs for their specific needs, and there is nothing wrong with that. If breed was irrelevant to purpose, there'd be armed police in airports searching for drugs with Sniffer Poodles.

laughing my ass off at the image of sheep being rounded up by a chihuahua. although, the majority of the little yokes I've seen think they're BIG FELLAS!

poodle sniffer dogs exist...and actually for things like guard dogs and police dogs which breed is used is often determined by how they look, guard dog breeds look scarier than a smaller dog who'd actually be much better at making a load of noise to let you know someone is there.

I've never met a purebred working sheepdog, I grew up in a rural area and while they're mostly collie, there's often a bit of terrier or spaniel in there too, so it's not as cut and dried as breed is the most important thing as far as traits go.

But it's not that breed is irrelevant...but if there's honestly only one breed in the world that could possibly suit you, you're being pretty ridiculous.

Breed traits matter, of course they do, but for the purposes of being a pet dog, there are many many breeds that are pretty suitable.

Without knowing what breed it is, what trait the OP doesn't think is suitable for her and whether the dog is even showing that trait (not all dogs of a certain breed behave as that breed should) it's pretty impossible to say whether it matters.

LyndaNotLinda I am certainly not holier than thou, and nowhere in my post did I state she was putting the dog through a rescue as a way to rehome her dog, you know what assumptions do. However if she did decide to rehome her dog then I would recommend a rescue as they will be able to make sure that the home her dog goes to will be suitable, and if it didnt work out then the contract should state they will take the dog back. Too many people use the likes of gumtree etc to rehome pets, which is a contributory factor to dogs being passed from pillar to post, without carrying out proper homechecks. I am sorry you didnt like my facts, but if what I said makes just one poster in this thread think twice before committing to adding a dog to their family, then surely that is a good thing. Many people I know are shocked at these statistics, and they are shocking, and people should be shocked. If you re read my post again you will see that I said I had some sympathy for the poster, and I do.

OP when I first read this I thought that you clearly weren't a dog person and shouldn't get another dog. I thought, and still think, that your OH and anyone that buys a dog as a present is a bit of an idiot. However on reading your later post I have more sympathy. I say get your second, more ideal dog too. Dogs are much better when you have more than one. They play together, always have company when you're out etc. We recently got our first little dog. I've always been a big dog person. I love her. She plays really well with, and adores our bigger dogs. It would be a shame for this first dog to be pushed out for a new dog. He's probably only just relaxed and settled into his new home. I'd be gutted to hear he'd been ditched and replaced. (However our middle dog had four homes before us, and doesn't seem remotely affected by it! We would never have anything other than a rescue).

Thought I'd quickly update this. I was hoping it would die naturally but it's obviously a topic MN feels strongly about.

I did voice my doubts when I first got dog. A mixture of guilt for DP and dog made me decide to give it my best shot, so that's what I did.

I've decided to keep going with him. He is a lot of hard work but I'm hoping half of that is the puppy in him. Like I said, he's a nice dog so I may end up falling in love, if not at least we can be mates.

Thanks for the advice, some of it was good and reassuring. Some not so much!

Well done OP. I think there has been a lot of over reaction and vitriol from judgemental posters with little empathy for your plight, which was not of your making.

Life happens, DP chose a dog you wouldn't have chosen, you've done your best, you are being very honest, you want the best for everyone involved. Dogs do adapt and we can't all love every dog or breed, I believe it's important to have a connection with a dog, that they feel right for you, because it really helps.

I've fostered dogs in the past and moved them on to homes where they have settled well with no real problems, and been very happy with their new happier situation. In each case I could see the connection between dog and new owner as they interacted with each other from the outset, and I could see the match was a very good one.

Sounds like you will be fine, as you say he is a nice dog and a good boy. All the best, I hope you grow to love him.

Oh look - it seems breed does matter after all www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_doghouse/2531303-So-were-getting-a-Vizslador-puppy-SOS. .

Does anyone know of any 'normal' dog forums where people who like dogs can talk to other people who quite like dogs, without it getting like this?

This is the least extreme dog forum I've ever been on...people tend to be much more vocal in dedicated dog ones.

Seriously? Ok! Maybe dog forums aren't for me!

I have found the facebook groups are not too bad. They have strict rules and shit. People have to stick to the question, not derailing it by getting into arguements with one another of different opinions. Dog forums are probably just as bad, if not worse than here.