I don't want my dog

[Notthisdog]

DP gave me a dog as a surprise birthday present in October. I've tried my best to love him and train him but there's always a nagging thought in the back of my mind that I don't really want him and I'm not sure what to do.

He is a good dog but he is not what I would have chosen for myself, the breed and gender are wrong for me.
The problem is, I would like a dog but just not him.

What do I do? The way I see it I've got 2 options. I can swallow my pride and admit it out loud, find him a new home and find a dog I would like in replacement.

Or I can carry on for another 15 years pretending to love him but really I'm only tolerating him.

Please don't judge me too harshly.

Tabulahrasa,

Exactly. After we'd had our dog for a week I could not have parted with him.
Dogs should never be a gift. It's a recipe for disaster. The poor dog - who didn't ask for any of this - is the real victim. :(

There are some very harsh replies on this thread. Those saying a dog is a dog are being ridiculous. I have two Caucasian Ovcharkas and a Fila Brasiliero. If I had been wanting, say a Labrador and DH bought a Fila or a CO for me I'd be pretty damn peeved as breed can affect your life hugely. Not all dogs are suitable for all situations. I adore my dogs, I would absolutely stick to the same breeds again, but I would very, very rarely recommend them as you have to have a pretty specific set up to make it work.

OP, do you think you don't love him because your resentment and shock are getting in the way? If you could find a way to move past it, would that help? How different is he to what you were expecting? In what ways? Could a dog walker or perhaps dog daycare a couple of times a week help things and give you a bit of a break?

Oh, really, Notthisdog?

Actually, find the dog a good home. You're not worthy of him.

This is so upsetting. Here is an assumption (maybe I'm wrong): I'll bet you want a cute ball of fluff that will sit on your knee and who you can dress up in silly outfits and coo over.

Man, I feel for your current dog and, honestly, in your shoes I wouldn't get another...you know, just in case it's not perfect in every single way!

I don't blame you for not wanting a dog you had no say in!

I would love dog!!! But I have health problems so my perfect dog is

Old
Lazy
Likes short walks and pottering. (And is a staffie)

If dh came home with a border collie pup I would be furious and wouldn't want it either.

Don't understand why wanting one breed and not another makes someone a bad dog owner

TheMotherOfHellbeasts

Going on your statement that 'a dog is a dog is ridiculous' both the OP and her DP are idiots. He, for getting a dog he had a very good idea beforehand she would not, and, she, for accepting the poor thing!

she would not *want

Sanchar: it's a bit late after the dog's been procured, isn't it, though?

Btw, speaking of harsh replies, I am normally very easy going but this kind of selfish shit makes my blood boil.

"If I had been wanting, say a Labrador and DH bought a Fila or a CO for me I'd be pretty damn peeved as breed can affect your life hugely. Not all dogs are suitable for all situations."

No, but yours are fairly extreme examples of how different breeds are...

If you'd always wanted a labrador and you ended up with a staffy, a cockapoo or a dalmatian - what can't you do with one of them that you couldn't with a lab, assuming you don't work in a job that requires a breed of dog to do it's original job?

There really are only a few breeds easily available in the UK which you'd actually really struggle to keep as a pet if it wasn't what you planned for.

Shmoo life is rarely black and white, we don't know the full story and quite frankly I don't like judging other people or picking apart their mistakes.

I disagree with people saying you're not a dog person because you don't love this particular dog or every dog. I think sometimes there has to be a chemistry between you. My dogs come from a breed specific rescue. All the dogs look identical but I couldn't take just any.

tabulahrasa yes they are extreme examples, but not impossible. As you say, you need a dog for a particular job, you have health problems and so can't have, say, a collie, you have a house rabbit so don't want a dog with a high prey drive.... The list goes on.

No. Some breeders will take a pup back. Every rescue I have spoken to(before deciding I'm too I'll to manage a dog at the moment) has said they will take a dog back at any time, even years later.

I remember you being given this dog (if you are the same poster). You got quite a flaming then too. But the person who really needs flaming is obviously your idiotic thoughtless DP. I sincerely hope you have explained to him VERY CLEARLY why he should never ever give an animal as an unexpected present and left him to pick up the shit.

I think if you really don't want this dog it would be better while it's still young to find it a good new home. But PLEASE don't get another 'rebound' puppy. If you resent this dog then now is not the time in your life for a new one, whatever size, breed or sex.

I hope you find him a loving home.

Oh dear, poor dog. It's not his fault and I really don't feel I could give any constructive advice as I bloody love dogs! Can I have him? What is he?. No, honestly, if I get another one my DH will kill me!! We made the decision last year to get a second dog. The first one is a smashing choc lab. She's gorgeous and I love her. We then got a cockapoo. She's loud, destructive and her recall seems to have completely vanished...AND I LOVE HER!!! I cannot get enough of this dog. My DH has admitted to me that he "just can't love her". The choc lab has now become "his dog" and the stunning, cute, adorable, intelligent cockapoo is all MINE. But my DH (who adores his choc lab) has stopped threatening to "give that cockapoo a dose of ketamine or kick her over the fence " and has said that if I love my pooch as much as he loves his he wouldn't dare risk our marriage...he goes before the dog does x

Nothhisdog-ours is a big male - and because of circumstances has to remain entire...... He gets on with all dogs - male and female - which is fortunate. You don't say whether you would leave yours entire or not, the only thing about getting a female is going through the seasons , if your male remains entire. There is lots of evidence that both sexes should mature completely before being done..... For a large breed male that is often 2 1/2 - 3 years, I know for our "breed" it is recommended that they go through two seasons. Having seen my dog around bitches in season , could not live in the same house as him , with a female in season - which is a pity as I wouldn't mind a girl.
All is not lost though if you don't want a puppy - you could adopt an older rescue female of your chosen breed.
My dog is very sociable and I know he would love to live with another dog.

Also OP, on your defence, my DH is the ultimate dog fan, but he just cannot seem to warm to my dog. I however, am a far superior person, and as I remind him, I am capable of loving more than one dog, and I see my girl for the wonderful creature she truly his....and his dog smells x

I understand that, TheMotherOfHellBeasts... BUT the OP came on her for advice, did she not? She actually said she didn't mind a flaming IIRC.
This situation was entirely preventable on two fronts: stupid man could have listened to his DP. And DP who received the dog could have said he was not what she was after in a dog and accepting him would not be fair to her or him. BOTH knew ahead of time the dog was not desirable. She knew and she'd told him ahead of time.
We don't know the full story but we can almost certainly assume that life will go on as normal for the couple, perhaps with the addition of a dog that 'fits', while the 'unsuitable' dog perhaps finds a good home or perhaps doesn't...maybe ending up in a rescue centre where he may be overlooked for months. But, you know, don't judge...
Yes, life is rarely black and white: sometimes you don't get the dog you thought you would, but, having got it, you adapt your life around it. It's a living thing, not a commodity to be ditched as the mood takes you.

I can see where you are coming fron OP. There is a big difference in breeds, and often with massive differences in needs.
I have a border collie - i have the time to walk him, train him and burn his energy off both physically and mentally. More important than time is that i want to.

If i was given a staff as a gift - i would feel as you do, along with guilt (as you probably do) due to the fact i wasnt happy and probably couldnt give the dog what he needed. I dont have confidence that i would be able to handle a staff so i would never choose that breed to try. Yet i think they are a beautiful, loyal breed...just not suited to me, i dont believe.

I believe you will persevere with him and i really, really hope you bond with him.

"As you say, you need a dog for a particular job, you have health problems and so can't have, say, a collie, you have a house rabbit so don't want a dog with a high prey drive.... The list goes on."

More what I mean is...if you couldn't keep a collie busy, that rules out a whole load of breeds, if high prey drive would be a huge problem, that rules out a whole load of breeds too.

But the OP hasn't said there's a mismatch with the dog, just that it's not what she wanted, but so far I'm not understanding a reason why that is actually to do with the dog rather than to do with it just arriving unannounced.

So it's more that I want to know why it's the wrong breed, other than just it isn't what she'd have picked.

Some people are 'a dog is a dog' people and some are not. My DH cares a lot about breed and what he sees as breed specific characteristics, I'm more of the first kind of person.

Is it possible you were still grieving for your first dog when the surprise second dog arrived? Could you have displaced some of your hurt at losing your dog to this newcomer who is not like her and was foisted on you by your DH? If I am reading too much into this, say so!

Shmoo yes, she came on there for advice. Flaming her, or berating her for how she got into this situation is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. Of course it was preventable, almost all situations in life are, but what's done is done.

All three of my dogs were death row rescues, I dragged a heavily sedated, half dead, ddog1 to my truck myself as they were seconds away from putting her to sleep as apparently her aggression was uncontrollable. She had put five behaviourists in hospital. Yes its an extreme example, but of you were faced with a dog like that when you wanted a cocker then you'd want to moan about it, I think! I knew what I was getting into and still there were many, many nights at first that I was grateful we have a good supply of wine!

tabularhasa my mistake, I thought she said the breed wasn't suited to her. Yes, I agree, and yes, more info about what the issue with the breed is would help.

I think what you did was amazing.
And, yes, I appreciate hindsight it 20/20. But, in the end, it's the dog who pays. I find that very hard.

I think I'm actually more upset with the DP than the OP. Why the hell didn't he listen to her? He knew her tastes and then got a dog completely out of keeping with that. It really upsets me that the dog is innocent and yet pays the price. If I'm harsh it's because I love dogs so much and hate to see them suffer or be treated like items to be passed around.

I love dogs and have had dogs for years but wouldn't want a dog I didn't choose or bond with. All dogs are different. They are also adaptable. We have always had rescue dogs and they are not traumatised they are lovely.

Of course it's okay to want one sort of dog over another. I would never want a working dog (collie/springer) as I don't have the time to walk them for two plus hours a day. I don't want a yapping dog as it would drive me insane. My mum doesn't want a hairy smelly dog, but that doesn't bother me. Don't keep a dog you don't want.