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Original poster

How does rehoming a dog effect children?

301 replies

LeoTheLateBloomer · 12/11/2011 10:58

DD is 18mo. She worships the dog (a 6yo lab), but I'm a lone parent and I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair on my poor dog that he always comes last in the pecking order and I've come to the (very difficult) decision to have him rehomed Sad.

The problem is my ex. I've given him the opportunity to say he'll have him, but he's in no position to do that. He has started saying that he's concerned about DD, that she'll lose the one constant in her life (Hmm), will forever be traumatised and never forgive me.

My argument has been that if I do it now, she'll forget him more quickly than if I leave it another year. (Not that I want her to forget about him completely, but she'll stop asking for him sooner.)

Could anyone reassure me that DD will cope? I was planning to take her away for a few days when it happens so that she's not waiting at home for him to come back.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

OP posts:
Signet2012 · 12/11/2011 12:28

I think you daughter at 18 months old will be much more resilient than you think. She may ask for him but I think she will probably not be traumatised as a result of him going for the rest of life OP

I think if your exp thinks at 18 months old a dog is the only constant in her life then he is being slightly mad.

I have a dog who I adore and would never be able to come to the decision to rehome him lightly so I feel for you if you have had to make this decision.

Will any friends or family be able to take the dog in? So you can still have contact?

winnybella · 12/11/2011 12:34

I don't think she'll be traumatised for the rst of her life, but she will be shocked when she discovers he's gone and sad for a while, I think.

Why is it so hard? Is there really no way you can keep him?

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 12:37

Can I ask why you have to rehome your dog? Being a single parent isn't a reason.

I think that rehoming a dog without a reason teaches your children that animals are as expendable as inanimate objects.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/11/2011 12:48

Maybe at 18mths it will have a minimal effect on your dd, but my parents rehomed my dog when I was 7- they mentioned rehoming him, I never thought they would do it, in a million years, but I woke up one morning and he was gone Sad. it truly truly broke my heart. I told them I would never forgive them, and I never really did Blush, although I have a great relationship with my dad now ( and my mum before she died), we can never talk about this, and my dad feels really terrible about it.

At the time, I vowed as soon as I was old enough, I would buy the same breed, and NOONE would take it away from me. 15 years later, I did exactly that! That dog is now 16.5 years old.

I got him when I was young free and single. Since then, I have acquired another dog, a few rabbits and assorted cats, a husband and 3 children. DH is in the RN, so works away sometimes for months at a time, and I did the trudging round the park for an hour every day with 2 dogs, 2 toddlers and a baby, so I do know it's not easy. I hope it all works out for you, OP, but if you know deep down that you have to rehome your dog, I would do it before your dd gets older.

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 13:09

I only ask for further details OP because there may be a solution that you haven't thought of. Not that I would have the answer but there are lots of wise Mumsnetters on here who could possibly help.

DrNortherner · 12/11/2011 13:15

I don't think it will affect her too much, she will get over it, but what about you?!

If you do rehome where will he go? We got our lab from labrador welfare they are a charity based in Sheffield and can help if you are in Yorkshire.

MollyTheMole · 12/11/2011 13:21

I dont understand why being a single parent means you have to rehome your dog.

6 years you have had the dog? Poor thing Sad

Original poster
LeoTheLateBloomer · 12/11/2011 14:07

It's not a decision I've come to easily, believe me. I'm just not able to give my dog what he needs. Everything's changed since I got him and my circumstances now make it really hard.

I'm not asking whether I should rehome him or not and don't feel I should have to justify myself here, I just wanted to asked about DD. I agree that she is resilient and I think my ex is using her feelings as a way of trying to make me feel guilty. (Of course I feel guilty but I feel worse knowing that my dog could be getting so much more than he's getting from me).

Thanks for the link DrNortherner. I've found a labrador rescue charity in the south west that I'll use.

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 12/11/2011 14:15

leo I am sure it was a hard decision to come to and not one you have taken lightly.

A rescue charity will ensure he gets the best possible home for him.

NatashaBee · 12/11/2011 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LeoTheLateBloomer · 12/11/2011 14:23

Thank you.

OP posts:
MollyTheMole · 12/11/2011 15:03

at least make sure its a no kill rescue otherwise he might end up being destroyed if they cant rehome him

oldqueenie · 12/11/2011 15:25

what do you think op? what effect do you think it will have on her?

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 15:40

It's very odd reason. I'm not asking you to justify yourself but animals are not disposable objects and you have not asked once how it will effect your dog, which is sad.

There are usually ways to work around things, it maybe that you can't see the wood for the trees iyswim and if you let us know what else is going on or exactly why you feel you can't cope with your dog we might be able to come up with some different options for you.

A 6yo lab, unfortunately, will already be classed as 'old' and is likely to be overlooked in a rehoming center for the younger dogs, staying with you is likely to be best outcome for the dog, even if he doesn't get as much time from you as he used to and lets face it what does once you have children?

Wrt how your daughter would feel, I don't know. My parents rehomed my GSD when I was a teenager and I have never forgiven them. I'm still not sure if she was actually rehomed, I doubt they'd ever dare tell me the truth, but your daughter is likely to be too young to remember. Saying that dd2 was around that age when we lost our JRT and she still pines for her sometimes. It's not a very good lesson to be teaching your child, though, is it?

takeonboard · 12/11/2011 15:43

Poor you Sad

We rehomed our dog when my DS was 8yo. We had no choice due to a major family illness and upheaval/life change. It was a very difficult decision for all of us and my husband said the same as your ex, but my son understood the circumstances and knew how we tried everything else first. He accepted the decision although he was very upset and has never blamed anyone for it, he still misses his dog sometimes but hasn't been affected long-term.

You don't have to justify your decision on here at all, its devastating enough for you to make the decision in the first place. At 18 months I think she will very quickly move on and get over it, small children live in the moment IMO.

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 15:44

What Dooin said!

Poor dog :(

Takver · 12/11/2011 15:52

I have to say that we left three cats when we moved countries (they were semi-tame strays and had spent so long with the person who took over our house by the time we had a permanent home that it seemed better for them to stay with her). DD was 2 when we left them to come to the UK, and really didn't seem to miss them at all despite being very attached to them.

Our dog also had to spend 2 months with DH's parents during the move period, and entirely against our expectations neither DD (nor dog) appeared at all traumatised by the separation - obviously we explained that it was just temporary, but she wasn't really old enough to understand that.

minimuu · 12/11/2011 15:54

Don't really know about kids (Although have 5!) However if the situation is impossible to keep the dog and you research the rescue and how the dog is rehomed and honestly do the best for the dog - then I guess you and your DC will be able to feel the best decision was made for the dog and have some degree of closure with that.

However you do need to be aware that there are more dogs than homes, are you happy with the thought of your dog being kennelled for quite some time, or maybe not rehomed at all? Do look for a no kill rescue and be prepared to wait for when they have space for your dog.

I am aware that you have made the decision but you may be surprised at what your 6 year old lab wants. If he has a good walk a day and can potter around with you and your DC he really does not need much more. As time goes on he will need less exercise and more naps by the fire so maybe less demanding when you have a young DC.

My experience with DC is to always be honest and explain the situation I know yours is young and I am sure she will get over it very quickly.

Is there nothing we could do to help? Feel free to pm if you think I could help at all.

KouklaMoo · 12/11/2011 16:02

Poor dog - is there really no other way OP? It just seems so heartbreaking for your dd and the dog. Does the dog actually suffer from being 'bottom of the pile'?

I've just rescued a 5yr old lab - we've only had him a month and already I can't imagine life without him. Please make sure you use a no-kill rescue.

HowAnnoying · 12/11/2011 16:11

I had a six yr old springer rehomed through springer welfare, he didn't go in kennels, he stayed with me until a suitable home was found. (About 4 weeks) My 4 yo and 2 yo have not been traumatised at all, but then I do have another dog. Your 18 mo will be absolutely fine, and so will the dog once its with owners that can spend the time that it deserves.

KouklaMoo · 12/11/2011 16:13

Btw my rescue dog definitely shows signs of insecurity and separation anxiety which I'm sure have been caused by the upheaval of his rehoming. He has basically gone from:

Irish Pound (rescued age 2-3)
Rescue Centre
Couple who adopted him
Back to Rescue centre (husband of the couple had a stroke; wife was blind so couldn't care for the dog anymore)
Foster family
Us

All in the past 2 yrs. So do please think of the dog - it may not be the case that he instantly gets rehomed into a loving family. He may stay in kennels as Minimuu says, or be moved from foster family to foster family. It's all very sad.

If you could ask the dog what do you think s/he would choose?

Ephiny · 12/11/2011 16:14

My parents fostered a puppy when I was young, and I remember being very upset when he went, even though I technically knew he wasn't staying for good, I'd convinced myself somehow that he would. I was a good few years older than your daughter though, most likely she won't even remember after a while. I mean, at that age kids get distraught over losing their favourite toy, but it doesn't traumatise them for life!

Personally I think the dog will be affected more and the effects will be longer-lasting. I'm not judging your decision as I don't know you or the details of your situation. But I find it odd and sad that you don't even mention how your poor dog will cope.

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 16:18

Yes taking a dog away from all they know and love definately affects them. Our foster was taken from a shit filled shed, to the rescuers home to my home, each time she ended up somewhere she will get more attention but each time she has become more insecure and needed more training and reassurance and it's taken her longer to settle. She spent the first three days with us crying constantly. The only people who have ever shown an interest in her sent her back to us after just one day because they could not cope with the constant pacing, crying and whimpering. She continued the crying and pacing for another two days, when she returned, even though she'd only been gone a day.

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 16:25

One day Shock Really wanted a dog then.

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 16:28

The rescue I work with, luckily for the dogs, make you have a two week trial period, before signing the dog over to you. During that time they are in regular contact with the rescue and the foster home won't take in another dog. We often get dogs back for silly reasons. last time I spoke to the manager she told me someone had sent back a dog from a related rescue because it growled at their child and then walked away after the child 'accidentally' poked it with a plastic sword Hmm

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