How does rehoming a dog effect children?

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

DD is 18mo. She worships the dog (a 6yo lab), but I'm a lone parent and I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair on my poor dog that he always comes last in the pecking order and I've come to the (very difficult) decision to have him rehomed .

The problem is my ex. I've given him the opportunity to say he'll have him, but he's in no position to do that. He has started saying that he's concerned about DD, that she'll lose the one constant in her life (), will forever be traumatised and never forgive me.

My argument has been that if I do it now, she'll forget him more quickly than if I leave it another year. (Not that I want her to forget about him completely, but she'll stop asking for him sooner.)

Could anyone reassure me that DD will cope? I was planning to take her away for a few days when it happens so that she's not waiting at home for him to come back.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

as one poster said, you don't have to "justify yourself" on here... but you did ask for views and as you've chosen to start a thread in the doghouse topic (rather than in child development / parenting / chat...) perhaps it's no suprise that people interested in dogs and with experience of dogs are those posting in response. Poor dog. You've been offered help and advice if you give more info re the current problems but you haven't told us. What do you plan to tell your dd? that he's gone to live with another family who can look after him better? please explain you would never do the same with a child won't you....

'please explain [to DD] you would never do the same with a child won't you....'

Really good point!

Ok, maybe I chose the wrong topic to post in.

At the moment I feel like I'm being really unfair on my dog. When we got him we were in a farm cottage and my ex was able to take him to work. Now I live in a tiny house and I'm on my own with DD. I know that there are lots of lone parents out there who cope with several children and dogs, but I feel like I'm not coping.

-He's strong and I find it really hard to control him on walks.

-I feel like I'm constantly rushing about trying to make sure he either gets 2 ok walks or one decent walk each day. It's not a rush every day but I have certain commitments during the week which mean I'm out of the house for longer than I'd like to leave him.

-I fret about him getting ill and not being able to afford to take him to the vet. It cost me £40 the other day to get his glands squeezed and all I could think of was how much food and nappies I could have got with that.

-When he gets muddy on walks I have nowhere in my tiny house for him to dry off. When I dry him off with towels I then have nowhere to store the wet and muddy towels. I have enough laundry to do without his towels to worry about every day as well. (This may not seem like a big deal but if you saw my porch you might understand).

-I'll have to go back to work at some point in the future and have no one who I can ask to look after him during the day. I certainly wouldn't be able to afford to pay someone to come in.

When my ex and I separated earlier this year there was no question about my keeping him, both for his sake and for DD's. But at what point do I stop being emotional about it and start being practical?

I have thought long and hard about this. Of course I love my dog and of course it breaks my heart, but I have to be realistic. Circumstances change and when we got him I couldn't have seen this coming. If I had I wouldn't have gone ahead with it.

The charity I have chosen try not to keep them anywhere between leaving one family and joining their new one. I will quiz them about their procedures and only go ahead with it if I feel he will be ok and happy.

I know there are people here who feel strongly about rehoming and I didn't come here to get flamed. A little understanding would be welcomed.

I haven't seen you being flamed on here. I've just seen people offering to help.

To the people reading this thread who find vet costs daunting - did you know that if you are claiming housing benefit/Council tax benefit (of any amount) that you are eligible to PDSA - that means all vet visits are £5 each. All you have to do is find a visit who accepts PDSA and complete an application form and get a £5 postal order to go with it. In many areas there are free RSPCA clinics and clinics and subsided veterinary from others such as Blue Cross.

It's possible to offer help in a more sympathetic way. Or maybe I'm being oversensitive; it's an emotional time for me so I hope you understand that.

Thank you for telling me about the PDSA. I didn't know I could get help with vets bills.

Wrt the pulling on the lead we can help you train him. Stopping pulling is quite simple, there are loads of ways you can train it you just need to pick a technique and stick with it. I guess training classes (around £5 per week around these parts) are out of the question?

I have a tiny house when my dog gets muddy I keep his lead on him and lead him straight into a quick clean room to dry off. Or you could let him do the mud thing at the begining of the walk and let him dry off so it can be brushed out and hoovered up at the end of the walk.

Are you planning on going back to work fulltime?

You're welcome. It depends on where you are as to how much help is available. The PDSA one is the only thing available round here (very rural) but does have to be sorted before an appointment www.pdsa.org.uk/pdsa-vet-care/eligibility. If you phone around vets there may well be more than one source of help available where you live.

I think there may well be solutions for all the problems you have listed, which is why I asked what they were earlier. I know how hard it is to be a single parent, and sometimes the responsibilities just heap on my shoulders and feel insurmountable.

You are going the right way going for a good rescue rather than the RSPCA or just passing the dog on via FB.

I'm working on pulling at the moment as my dog is very strong. Takes a while I think.

Leo - you sound v sensible to me. I wouldn't keep my dogs if I found mysdelf on my own. Your reasons are your reasons and you don't need to validate them to anyone. Lots of people here are a bit nuts over the top in their dog-love, for the rest of us life is tough and we just have to make the best decsicions we can. Your daughter and you rightly come before the dog!

Your daughter will probably barely even notice - she might ask for him for a day or two but she will forget very, very quickly.

Leo - there are a few methods of stopping lead pulling here which you might be able to use in the meantime www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_doghouse/a1340362-Desperate-to-stop-18-mo-dog-from-pulling-on-the-lead

As an aside have you actually spoken to the rescue yet? Most rescues are full to bursting, especially at this time of year. You might find that they have no space and if they do have space would it not be better dedicated to a dumped pound dog who will be otherwise killed in 7 days rather than a loved family pet, who has home?

Training takes time yes, but it depends on the dog and amount of time dedicated. My terrier picked it pretty quick, but he still needs retraining if we change anything. Changes like a change in normal walking route or lead = liscence to pull in his eyes, he gets the picture a lot quicker now we have the basics in place.

My Grey is still working on not pulling when she spots other dogs but we're getting there. Do you walk with a pram? If you do the stop start way would be easiest for you. When the lead goes tight, stop. Don't start walking again until the lead is loose and the dog is looking at you. He'll soon learn.

Are you sending him to a rescue? or hoping to get him adopted straight from your home? You might find (I dont know for sure but its certainly the case round here) the the rescue isnt waiting with open arms to take him straight away because theryre already full with other unwanted dogs. And PLEASE make sure its a no kill rescue, or your dog, or the one who cant get a place because hes there, wont get a new home at all

OP I havent seen you get a flaming either. Maybe you are a bit too sensitive about it, which might mean deep down you really dont want to re-home the dog?

With regards to the problems I think all of those are fixable.

• Pulling on the lead is easy to fix given a bit of time. Im no expert but I guess that different techniques work on different dogs. I have an SBT and she is extremely powerful and strong and used to pull me about, I tried the technique where when you feel the lead go tight because the dog is pulling, stop walking and only carry on when the dog comes back to you. Have some dog biscuits or treats with you aswell as a reward. I think having a harness defiitely helped also, do they do them for labs?

• I think we could all do with another hour in the day! This is just a case of better time management, hard with a kid but it IS possible, especially if you are not working (thats NOT a dig at SAHM or anything) and if/when you do return to work you really do find the time to do everything you need to. Its tiring but so is bloody everything

• Others have said about being able to get assistance with vet bills

• The laundry one - well, there is always laundry, whats another towel? I dont bother washing my dogs that often, and I have one of those fast trying ones (cheapo one from the pound shop I think) thats a piece of piss to wash and dry.

You have had this dog for a long time, dont underestimate how big the gap is thats left when a dog goes. Have you really explored all options to enable you to keep him with you if thats what you really want?

Our dog was rehomed when my daughter was 2.5. Three years later she still talks about her often and can occasionally be tearful about missing her. She does understand though that we made the decision that was best for the dog because we love her and wanted her to have the nicest possible life. We have also kept very much in touch with our dog's new family and get photos and videos and news.

Op - I didnt mention any aid to helping you keep your dog in my first post as I understood that you had a hard decision to come by and didnt want to push what obviously would be a highly emotive subject from you.

Ive looked at your reasons for doing so now, and although I can completely understand my point, I do get the impression that you are feeling very overwhelmed at the minute. You also have got quite defensive (rightly so) but I wonder if this is because you, in your heart feel this is not the right decision.

Some good ideas above about ways that may solve some of your issues. Re: dog walking if it is a good dog, its always worthwhile asking family/friends with a teenager if they want to earn some money. I used to have a 13 year old lad walking mine when I was at work for 2 quid a go. Mine isnt the best behaved dog but did seem to behave much better for him.

If you have a local park, look out for dog training classes which are quite cheap or someone you know with more experience with dogs who might be able to help you. I have a nose harness for my dog, collie springer cross as a chest harness just gives him too much umph to push with. A nose halti kind of thing is much more effective.

Perhaps have a think about it all over the next couple of days and then if you still feel this is the best course of action at least you can rest in your knowledge you did explore all options. 6 year old is a long time to make connections with your family for all concerned including the dog.

Hi OP, I understand you haven't come to the decision lightly, but I don't see any of reasons listed above as remotely insurmountable, certainly not enough to justify rehoming your dog. I really hope you can take a lot of the very good advice already offered.

I think that you obviously love your dog, but are feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Muddy dog - I just keep a medium sized, dark coloured towel by the front door and give him a good rub down on the way in. I don't even wash the towel every day, and I have have a huge labrador.

Pulling on the lead - Dog training techniques will help this. I despaired of my huge dog, he could literally pull me off my feet. I got a ex-police dog trainer to help (£50 housecall- but I was desperate) - he made the problem 90% better in 10 minutes flat. If you can't afford/get to dog-training classes, follow the links on here.

And don't forget that he is 6 years old - he will start slowing down as someone else said. He'll need less exercise and more sleep.

And I think you should really consider the fact that your much-loved dog may take up a place in a rescue/foster home (or come to that, in a permanent new home) that another needier dog could have. There are more dogs needing good homes than there are good homes available.

I to think that maybe you are rushing into this decision a little to quickly, your circumstances have changed very quickly and i don't think you have given yourself enough time to adjust.

When we lost our lost Lab (she was 13) of course i was devastated and missed the company when the DC were in bed, but i have to be totally honest and tell you that it was a relieve (after the devastation) to know that i didn't have to drag the DC out everyday regardless of weather. However 6mths on there was a massive hole in our lives, i could not believe how much i actually missed the having to go out in the pissing freezing rain!! . As your DD gets older the dog walking will get easier, and you can turn walks into a fantastic free entertainment ., plus i swear my children got more colds and bugs in the 6 months they weren't dragged out in all weathers!!.

Another thing i remember only to well was just how difficult it was to adjust from having to just the dog to a dog and our first child, the organisation of it all was just to much as times! and i had my DH to help so i appreciate just how much more difficult your situation is, but it will get easier!! In the mean time could your ex (if still local enough) not help with dog walking a couple of times a week? seeing as he seems so intent on you keeping him?

You mention that you will return to work, who will mind your DD?, could they not help with the dog too?

Another thing and please dont take this the wrong way (i seriously dont mean it that way :) ) but is there a possibility that you are depressed? it seems reading between the lines, that you are quite over whelmed by your situation .Could this be reason why little things like muddy towels are getting you down? after all he is 6 so its hardly a new thing to you.

What lady Montfort said. I say this as someone who has worked in rescue for years and is a mother of 2, with 2 dogs. It is hard and yes, you need to prioritise you and your daughter's needs. A lab is not a difficult breed to re home, especially one who has lived with children. Regardless of whether others think your reasons are "not insurmountable", they are to you. Your daughter will be fine, it is not the end of the world for you, child or dog. All the best.

3curedarlings talks sense. If your dd is only 18 months old and you're separated you've been through a lot in just a few months. You must be all over the place. I know I was when Ex-wanker left me when I was pregnant. I suffered depression for around 18 months to two years. Life just seemed like one, long, boring, dreary, uphill, struggle. I felt like I had the world on my shoulders and no-one to help.

I didn't realise at the time I had PND. Looking back it is blatently obvious. Could you speak to your GP?

Leo, I had to rehome my beloved GSX for similar reasons.

I was on my own in a tiny flat and having to work until 3.00am. The dog would howl and the neighbours constantly complained. I just couldn't look after her. I couldn't find another job.

It was the most traumatic thing I've ever done, but DD who was 2.5 was not actually that upset, although she still speaks fondly of the dog and we have pics up all over the place 7 years later.

I wish I hadn't done it, but she (The dog) was snapped up in weeks as she was used to children and well trained.

Good luck to you, but expect to be still crying about it after years. I know I am
(As an aside, I put on a stone in the month after her rehoming as I just wasn't walking as much!)

'I wish I hadn't done it, but she (The dog) was snapped up in weeks as she was used to children and well trained.' - I'm glad of that for your sake and your dogs Uterus, truely I am, but I don't want the op lulling into a false sense of security. Our foster Grey is a lovely dog. The best I've ever owned wrt children and easiness. She has been with us 6 months now and has only ever had one couple enquire about her. We've been told to expect to have her with us for the foreseeable future. She is one of the lucky ones. She has a foster home that will be here as long as she needs us. Many dogs in rescues have no such luxery.

The reason why she has been with us so long? She is the wrong colour. It is as simple as that. That is the reality of life in rescue for a dog. It's not easy. There are no-where near enough places and not enough homes. It is rarely the right choice for the dog.

You really are between a rock and a hard place, and you really do seem to be thinking of the dog's welfare. I am a single mum and could not possibly take on the responsibility of a dog even though I love dogs and the DCs would love to have one. I couldn't even think of having one when I had exH around (also a dog loving person, I'll give him that) and the DCs were small. We all compromised and got a cat and that worked out very well. There would have been simply too much to do with a dog.

Well done for recognising your limits and deciding to do your best for the dog in the circumstances. I think a housetrained lab who is used to a toddler would have no trouble finding a new home and if you are selective he should settle in and everyone will be happy.

I say everyone because your 18 month old will be fine. If you like, you can get her a cuddly toy, but at 18 months she will probably not miss the dog too much or for too long.

I do wonder if you are feeling a bit blue as Dooin and others suggest, though, as it's a drastic step to take. Are things ok with you, do you think? Sometimes a dog can be a sort of rock when you're going through a bad patch -- I know our cat was the creature that got DD3 through the separation and divorce of her father and me, the house sale, moving into the flat...

I probably should have added that we did get another lab 6mths on, my youngest DC is now 2.5 and we spend most of our mornings out with the dog and our doggy friends this can be up to 12 dogs some mornings some people would call me a knutter with a child so young around so many dogs!! but DS loves it, and has to be one of the most dog savvy toddlers you will ever meet!. Im so proud of what he is like with the dogs (cos on a whole he's a little sod most of the time if im totally honest!!!), he has speech and language delay, but i have to say the dogs bring the best out in him, he tries so hard to learn and say all their name, makes them all sit for treats, and tells them off big style if they dont sit for it!! all this is of course is underVERY VERY STRICT!! close supervision i will add (now see who gets flamed "a baby round so many dog??" fuck me thats sooooo irresponsible ).

Oldqueenie, that was a cruel post.