How does rehoming a dog effect children?

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

DD is 18mo. She worships the dog (a 6yo lab), but I'm a lone parent and I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair on my poor dog that he always comes last in the pecking order and I've come to the (very difficult) decision to have him rehomed .

The problem is my ex. I've given him the opportunity to say he'll have him, but he's in no position to do that. He has started saying that he's concerned about DD, that she'll lose the one constant in her life (), will forever be traumatised and never forgive me.

My argument has been that if I do it now, she'll forget him more quickly than if I leave it another year. (Not that I want her to forget about him completely, but she'll stop asking for him sooner.)

Could anyone reassure me that DD will cope? I was planning to take her away for a few days when it happens so that she's not waiting at home for him to come back.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

To be fair, I don't really think the OP has been flamed here at all.

She is struggling with the dog, and has seen rehoming as the only option. People here are merely sugesting other ways she could try to manage so that she could keep the dog AND not be so stressed by the situation- surely that would be the better outcome?

I know my parents never got over the guilt of rehoming my dog- my dad can't talk about to this day.

I acknowledged that it's not easy having dog(s)/ children and being on your own. I did the hour walk with 3 children under 5 (not saying I deserve any medals for that, btw!) and, as a pp said (sorry, can't recall who), although it is a real hassle it is actually such a good thing for the children to be out and walking every day. I found great friends in fellow dog-walkers, and my children got a meet a huge variety of people and dogs. The time we spent walking through the country park with the dogs allowed us great time for chat, and they are times I will cherish (although it wasn't easy at the time)

I'm really not trying to be mean to the OP, but I felt I had made a comittment to my dogs and needed to honour that. People's circumstances change all the time, but it's not un-doable to fit the needs of the dog in there somewhere. As others have said, rescue centres are stretched to limit right now, thanks to the recession- lots of people are suddenly finding themselves having to move to a smaller house/ work longer hours/ have less money, and the rescues are dealing with a huge amount of the fall-out. I can't see how it is helpful to pretend to the OP that this isn't so, and that her dog will be easily and quickly rehomed with a lovely family.

Yes, the doghouse will tend to have posters who care about dogs- that's not a crime! Noone is hectoring the Op, as far as I can see- just asking her if she has looked at all the possibilities. There are also huge advantages to having a dog around when you are on your own- I've always felt more secure knowing the dogs are there when DH has been away on long jaunts. The walking, although a hassle, is actually quite therapeutic, and a good chance for some together-time with the dc- lovely to see them puddle-suited up and splashing around gleefully. Some of the people I have met while out with the dogs have become life-long friends, and the company can be great when you need a rant. I walked with mums, older women and old men- lots of different viewpoints and sometimes a wealth of advice on all areas of life. And a dog is fantastic company when the dc are in bed, especially if it is an older well-behaved dog.

Of course, the OP is entitled to do what she ses fit- only she really knows her circumstances and the reality, but things might not be as bad as they seem- once her dd is walking and she doesn't have a pram to shove, she may find the walks etc easier. People are trying to help!

I really hope she does, BeerTricks.

'The walking, although a hassle, is actually quite therapeutic, and a good chance for some together-time with the dc'

This lone parent, who struggles to actually go out and can easily spend days indoors, completely agrees with this :)

Just a thought OP, if you're still reading, you say that your ex used to take the dog into work with him. Can he not do that sometimes now?

Well, to me, the association of rehoming a dog and having a child wonder if she was next was unnecessary and, well, cruel.

An 18 month old child is a remarkably resilient being whose primary attachment is to her mother. Her whole world revolves around her mother in fact, and not the dog, no matter how well they seem to relate. At 18 months a child will not in any way feel that she is next on the list and there would be absolutely no need to introduce that thought into her head when explaining that the dog has been rehomed due to unavoidable circumstances. She will accept whatever she is told -- she will have questions of course, but she will not think she is next or that this is what mummy does when things become a bit of a hassle at 18 months. It is a good thing to communicate your sadness at the loss of the dog and to share hers, but she will move on because the dog is not the centre of her world. (This is advice from the pov of the child, which is what the OP was looking for).

The ex sounds like a knob and if the OP doesn't want to have daily contact with him I wouldn't blame her, KC.

There is nothing guaranteed to drive you to insanity faster than trying to walk with an ambulatory toddler and dog simultaneously.

Toddlers need 100% of your attention if you take them out for a walk with the toddler walking. It is downright dangerous to try to keep control over both.

Mathanxiety, you talk great sense.

In all my years working as a rehomer then a behaviourist in rescue centres, one thing I learnt was to avoid judging people. It is a waste of energy, does not help the dog and, primarily, is not what I am there for, nor qualified for. As I have said,I could rehome a lab like the OPs many times over.

Life is tough for people and animals. Most people do their best and should be credited for that. OP, your daughter will be fine and I am sorry you have been left with responsibilty of child and dog while your ex walks away. Typical.

I did it! Obviously I must be a numpty...

Depends where you walk, I suppose. But at one point I had two in the double buggly, 2 dogs (one on the lead) and one (sometimes 2) toddling. We drove to the park, and never walked near roads. Is it really so different having to watch a toddler and a dog rather than watching 2 toddlers? So people with 2 toddlers shouldn't go for a walk in the park??

I think I'm a bit sensitive having just given a new home to a rescue lab tbh. I can see what he's been through - such change is hard for a dog to take. He is actually very docile, but also very anxious. He doesn't like going in the car, because he probably thinks he's going onto the next home :(

He started barking wildly the other day when we were out walking, completely unpredictably. We were approaching a van driver in a high-vis jacket, making a delivery. Because of his out-of-character behaviour I came to the conclusion that his old owner wore a high-vis jacker, and he was very very excited about seeing him again. It breaks my heart - he has no way of knowing this, but I will never, ever pass him onto another home. Over my dead body. But he is understandably insecure.

Op has to remember that this is about her dog too. I'm not for a minute saying that dogs take precedence over people, but just that they do deserve consideration.

And with that, I'm taking him for a little walkies and then going to bed.

'There is nothing guaranteed to drive you to insanity faster than trying to walk with an ambulatory toddler and dog simultaneously.

Toddlers need 100% of your attention if you take them out for a walk with the toddler walking. It is downright dangerous to try to keep control over both' I guess it's luck that I manage a very headstrong pair of small children and 3 dogs all at once then?

Oh, hang on, no. it might be down to training and hard work on all parts. Let's skip the enjoyment on all sides. It is not important.

Dooin, I genuinely applaud your parents and you for their choices, (especially to stay on Traveller sites, because sadly there are many who wouldn't go within bargepole distance of the Travellers).

But the OP may not want to skip dive. No-one should have to if they don't want to. What you and your parents do/did was freely chosen and you and your parents had and have the right to make the choices you make. So does the OP. Her priorities are no less worthy than your parents' or yours just because her choice is different from yours or your parents.

I guess it must be luck then, Dooin, because I have tried it and found it was not doable. Not on the roads I lived near anyway. Please tell me you are not really telling people that what works fine for you with a lot of training and hard work is perfectly fine for everyone else no matter what their circumstances. No doubt you will now regale us with tales of walking said children and dogs along the shoulder of the M1...

Are you willing to take in the OP's lab then, if you are so convinced it would be no trouble?

Are you seriously suggesting that training and hard work for a single mother of a toddler, who is returning to work, might be just what the doctor ordered?

You have the right to be completely wrong, KC.

At 18 months it's unlikely that your Dd will be affected for more than a week or so especially if you don't mention him.

My Dd loved my dog, but she died when Dd was 18 months and although she did miss her for a couple of weeks, it soon passed.

When I was 11 or 12, my Mum and Dad rehomed our dog and my brother and I didn't speak to them for a fortnight until they relented and brought her home again (Dads friend had her). She lived until she was 16 1/2 years old...long time.

"There's nothing guaranteed to drive you to insanity faster than trying to walk with an ambulatory toddler and dog simultaneously" If dog is constantly pulling on the lead, perhaps.......
And dangerous?......
Dogs walking to heal on leads. Child in buggy/on baby reins/holding hands by roads.
I do remember times when DD was baby/toddler and it was shite having to go out and walk the dogs in awful weather with a small person and battle with the wind and rain.....and then come home knackered, but unable to have a snooze as DD had slept in the buggy ( though I'd try to keep her awake on the walks ) . I had chronic pain and PND, but actually think getting out every day dog walking, saved my sanity.

My post was directed at a poster who suggested walking the dog would get easier as the child started being able to walk too.

Getting out every day walking without the dog could keep the OP just as sane with half the trouble and worry.

'Are you willing to take in the OP's lab then, if you are so convinced it would be no trouble? ' simple answer, right now? Yes. If she PM's me I will take in her lab. I have a lot more on my mind right now, but yes, I would.

What is it about detailing financial and time constraints plus being a single parent to a toddler and about to go back to work makes you think 'convenience' is the issue, Rhinestone?

Way to beat the OP over the head with the insinuation that she has some sort of personality problem too. Nice.

Seriously, what is wrong with you Doghouse folks?

Wow. I didn't expect to wake up to this.

I didn't flounce, I had to settle DD then went to bed myself

Some of you have been incredibly kind and thoughtful, others helpful with suggestions and others just shouldn't have bothered frankly.

So, to clarify:
No, I shouldn't have posted here and can safely say that I'll not be back.

My ex lives 4 hours away and has already said (when asked for financial help with the dog) "he's nothing to do with me anymore".

My list of reasons may have appeared to lack substance, but I don't have the way with words that others do and I find it very difficult to express how I feel about the whole situation and why I'm finding it hard.

I wouldn't want local teenagers to take him for walks. They wouldn't be the really decent walks he needs (they should be at school anyway) and he really is a handful, not just on the lead but hard to control by voice as well. I will admit this is due to a lack of consistency in his early training because whenever I wanted to do something (like train him to a whistle) my ex wouldn't do it too so it didn't work.

I'm fairly certain I have already stated that my chosen charity transfers dogs straight from old to new home so he won't be sitting around in a kennel waiting to be chosen. He would be with me until a suitable home can be found.

I love my dog and look at him every day feeling guilty that I can't do more for him.

If I go ahead with this it will not be without heartache and a great deal of consideration.

One option that came to me in the early hours this morning is a dog share. I know someone who wants to get a rescue dog and I'm hoping it's not too late to put this to her. My dog has stayed with her before and they all had a great time. It would certainly give me the break I feel like I need but he would still be in our lives.

Everyone has different ways of coping. What some find easy enough to get on with others find overwhelming. I said this to my dad the other day and I told him I thought I had a very low-level coping ability. He told me he thought the complete opposite and that I coped extremely well with everything. Just bear that in mind when you make judgements of people on threads. There's no way you can understand someone's life from just a few sentences or paragraphs.

Thank you. I'll be off now...

Well, Math. You've had answers to all your points, including the rather childish 'if you think it's no trouble why don't you take the dog?'. Were you surprised at Doin's positive response there? Did you realise she fosters dogs for rehoming herself? This thread is packed full of practical advice to allow the OP to possibly reconsider her decision. Yes, the Doghouse has people posting on it that don't feel it's ok to just rehome a dog because it's become a bit of a hassle. Why so surprised about that?

You have given your opinion plenty on this thread, and given the OP your support, which is fine. There is no reason to continue picking at the individual posters here, and there's no need to say what's wrong with you Doghouse folks? Seriously, I can't speak for anyone else on this thread, but I'm fine thanks. You arguing with everyone on here is unlikely to help the OP.

Cross-posted with OP there. OP I do hope it all works out for the best.