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The doghouse

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Original poster

How does rehoming a dog effect children?

301 replies

LeoTheLateBloomer · 12/11/2011 10:58

DD is 18mo. She worships the dog (a 6yo lab), but I'm a lone parent and I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair on my poor dog that he always comes last in the pecking order and I've come to the (very difficult) decision to have him rehomed Sad.

The problem is my ex. I've given him the opportunity to say he'll have him, but he's in no position to do that. He has started saying that he's concerned about DD, that she'll lose the one constant in her life (Hmm), will forever be traumatised and never forgive me.

My argument has been that if I do it now, she'll forget him more quickly than if I leave it another year. (Not that I want her to forget about him completely, but she'll stop asking for him sooner.)

Could anyone reassure me that DD will cope? I was planning to take her away for a few days when it happens so that she's not waiting at home for him to come back.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

OP posts:
morethemerrier · 12/11/2011 22:44

Ill stick to the facts.

Ex is using DD's attachment to the dog as a emotional hammer to hit you with.

Decision has been made for yours/your DD/the dogs benefit.

Your DD will be fine, the dog could have died or ran away and she would have had to face the same seperation situation.

Now my opinion, OP is NOT disposing of the dog, her circumstances have changed since she committed to the dog, working longer hours/financial restraints/vet bills/sole responsibilty for care of dog. She stated she was a single parent I am sure with those factors in mind. Likewise I am sure when she did make that commitment,she never expected to have to make such a haed decision.

She is making the only decision she can having looked into other options and not just tying it to a lampost. I am fairly sure that having loved and cared for this dog for 6 years this will be as equally hard for her, not many have considered OP's feelings?

Her first priority is DD and that is who she asked for advice about, yet more proof that she is not making the decision lightly. And surely in seeking a home through a rescue centre as opposed to passing it onto someone else without the vetting and checks that rescue centres make is irresponsible?

To be flamed for what she has probably already had to work through and knows herself in order to get to this point is very harsh.

And the dog will be better off in a new home where it can get the attention it deserves, without feeling the burden that is currently being felt for valid reasons with the OP.

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 22:45

3cutedarlings, you've just described my second child. She is four now and is so compassionate towards others and towards animals.

She also has a speech delay and it helps her to practise pronounce all of her 'friends' (think canine) names and give them small commands. She used to love hanging out with the doggy crowd when she wasn't at school after we dropped off dd1. She still talks fondly of the time 'she was one of the dogs'. I am sure mixing with other adults and their dogs helped her confidence and compassion.

She is allowed to play in the park opposite our house because she knows that many dog walkers there, there is never a time she is not supervised by somone she knows, iyswim. Our dog is to thank for that.

LadyMontdore · 12/11/2011 22:46

I can't believe any child under three would miss a dog for very long at all and certainly not be tearful about it unless someone else was kind of encouraging those feelings and dwelling on them.

KouklaMoo · 12/11/2011 22:49

The dog is a living creature with a home. Unless things are dire (ie in the case of my rescue lab, whose owner had a stroke), he should not be rehomed just because things are a bit of a hassle. It's not like selling an old car.

mathanxiety · 12/11/2011 22:50

I somehow didn't see the paragraph about your ex (the bastard).

Please see what he is doing for what it is: he is trying to assuage his own guilt over the split and what it might do to his DD by heaping torment on your head. He is doing this to make him feel better about himself. Don't let him beat you up about your decision. Your DD will be fine.

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 22:51

'And the dog will be better off in a new home where it can get the attention it deserves, ' - What new home? this dog has no new home yet and there is no guarentee it will get one.

All the problems at home are easily over come. This is not a case where rescue is needed. Training and time management is needed, that is all. It might not seem simple to the op atm, which is understandable considering all she has been through, but it will work out in the end and Op will be wondering what all the fuss was about.

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 22:52

mathanxiety - I think you have misread the post you call cruel.

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 22:53

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

LadyMontdore · 12/11/2011 22:54

Well I'm guessing OP has left the thread. Well done some of you for adding upset to someone who just needed a bit of handholding. This is a parenting website and OP is a mum worried about her dd. Sad She doesn't want to rehome the dog but has descided that she has to, that's up to her. Some of could really do with putting people first sometimes, I hope you feel ashamed.

LadyMontdore · 12/11/2011 22:56

Dooin - you can't jus say 'rescue isn't needed' OP has clearly said that she can't cope with the dog, her situation has changed!

mathanxiety · 12/11/2011 22:59

The dog is an animal for whom the OP is making the best decision possible in the circumstances. The bottom line for the dog is that he needs a home where his owners can afford to keep him and keep him healthy.

I think we can credit her with being fully cognisant of the fact that he is living and that it isn't like giving away a bowl of goldfish. If he wasn't a living creature (duh) there would be no reason to post. Have people lost sight of the fact that it is the 18 month old child who is the rightful focus of the OP's concern, and that there are financial and time demands that cannot be ignored in her life?

I don't see how anyone can dismiss sensible concerns about a dog's welfare, lack of space, lack of money as problems that don't amount to any more than 'a bit of a hassle'. It is worth remembering that all of this decision-making process is being undertaken with an arsehole of an ex breathing down the OP's neck.

mathanxiety · 12/11/2011 23:01

'What do you plan to tell your dd? that he's gone to live with another family who can look after him better? please explain you would never do the same with a child won't you....'

No I haven't, KC. It was a cruel post.

morethemerrier · 12/11/2011 23:02

-I'll have to go back to work at some point in the future and have no one who I can ask to look after him during the day. I certainly wouldn't be able to afford to pay someone to come in.

Dooin - how is this one easily resolved by training?

KatharineClifton ????? How have I not helped the poster you must have me confused with another poster!?! I was supporting her!!! Try reading my post again dearie!

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 23:02

Ashamed? No. I have nothing to be ashamed about. The op and her child are in no danger. Op is feeling a little overwhelmed with her life atm, which considering she has recently found herself as a single parent to a small child and a dog is no surprise.

Molly coddling her and giving her the replies she wants regardless of whether they are right or not will not help her. She has owned this dog for 6 years, just giving it up without a second glance is never going to be the right choice and she will blame herself for the rest of her life if she does so.

I am more than happy to continue to direct Op to the right help in keeping her lovely little dog as are other posters. Everything she is feeling right now is normal and is something she can get through.

Personally I think she is sleeping rather than flouncing owing to the small child she has to wake to in the wee hours.

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 23:02

So the OP isn't fit to keep the dog, but is fit to keep the child. Whoah peeps, listen to yourselves!

mathanxiety · 12/11/2011 23:03

Morethemerrier, that was a great post.

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 23:06

Why is not easily resolved by training? She can train the dog not to pull. If she really wants to she can train him not to run in mud, though imo, that would be a shame. I love muddy, happy dogs. It wouldn't be as bad as dumping your 6 year long family member into a rescue with no guarentee of him ever finding a good home. That is the truth of rescue, like it or not. There are not enough homes. 6 year old dgs are bottom of the list, unfortunately.

morethemerrier · 12/11/2011 23:06

Right back at ya mathanxiety! Grin

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 23:06

''What do you plan to tell your dd? that he's gone to live with another family who can look after him better? please explain you would never do the same with a child won't you....'

No I haven't, KC. It was a cruel post.'

The child sees the dog as a constant part of her family. The dog is going. The child would see the dog is going/gone. It would be wise to explain that it would never happen to the child. Children understand life in a way that is very very different to the way we understand it. It would be cruel to take the chance that the child believes she could be next to disappear.

KouklaMoo · 12/11/2011 23:07

The thing is, Math, is that when she posted her reasoning, there wasn't really much that had much substance. pulling on the lead, dirty towels, may return to work in the future...

I think the OP is more likely to be feeling depressed and overwhelmed after her split. Rehoming the dog is possibly something that could plague her with remorse and guilt once the initial relief at not having to do walkies has passed.

mathanxiety · 12/11/2011 23:08

Where is the 'without a second glance'?

The OP isn't fit to keep the dog? The OP is making a sound, practical (and difficult) decision for the dog with his welfare in mind, because her circumstances do not allow for a good life for him. I am sure she will grieve for him but I am sure she will find peace knowing that her dog is having a better quality of life than he could with her.

(I now realise that everything I have heard about The Doghouse is sadly true and I am aghast.)

KatharineClifton · 12/11/2011 23:10

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

KouklaMoo · 12/11/2011 23:12

Yes, I love the assumption that a loving home where the dog will be happier is a given, according to some posters. Where is the guarantee that the lab won't pine for it's home, pull on the lead and be back in the rescue place waiting for yet another home within weeks?

Sorry OP if this does make you feel guilty, but I don't feel ashamed (as one poster put it) by pointing these things out to you. A dog should only be rehomed in the severest of circumstances.

And no, I'm not DBF! I just agreed with her lots and now she's gone :(

LadyMontdore · 12/11/2011 23:12

Katherine - that's ridiculous, the child is 18 months old she will be fine (unless OP makes massive drama of it). Are you suggesting that if a dog dies children need counselling or something.

I'm just shocked that some of you have so little sympathy for someone who's reached a hard decision.

I'm not giving her the answers she wants - I agree with her choice. We aren't all crazy dog people here! Some of us put people first!

DooinMeCleanin · 12/11/2011 23:12

math are you reading the posts? Where is this bed of roses better life? It does not exist! FGS!

The life the dog has is perfectly fine. One hour walk a day, fine. Soon it will be shorter. Dog is getting on his years now, potential adopters will realise that. There are lots of puppies and young dogs in rescues they can and will take home instead of Op's dog.