How does rehoming a dog effect children?

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

DD is 18mo. She worships the dog (a 6yo lab), but I'm a lone parent and I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair on my poor dog that he always comes last in the pecking order and I've come to the (very difficult) decision to have him rehomed .

The problem is my ex. I've given him the opportunity to say he'll have him, but he's in no position to do that. He has started saying that he's concerned about DD, that she'll lose the one constant in her life (), will forever be traumatised and never forgive me.

My argument has been that if I do it now, she'll forget him more quickly than if I leave it another year. (Not that I want her to forget about him completely, but she'll stop asking for him sooner.)

Could anyone reassure me that DD will cope? I was planning to take her away for a few days when it happens so that she's not waiting at home for him to come back.

Any advice would be most welcome. TIA.

leo Apols if this has been said before but have you contacted your dog's breeder? They should want to take the dog back themselves, rather than see it go into the rescue system, or might know of other owners who want to adopt a mature, child-friendly dog rather than a puppy. I thought I wanted a puppy, then met my older dog at her old kennel - it was love at first sight, and her being older and housetrained were actually plus points for me as a novice owner.

It sounds as if you're dealing with more than just the annoyance of muddy towels, and your dog seems much loved - which is why most posters have been so keen to keep you together. I hope the dog share idea works out (and if the ex is so keen for you to keep the dog he should be contributing towards a dogsitter/walker/insurer - or keeping his nose out) but wrt rehoming, if you can hang on until after Christmas, as Scuttle says, it would be better for the dog - the rescues get even more crowded now, and rehoming over Christmas isn't a brilliant idea (all the fuss and tinsel and disruption).

Math stated her points eloquently and with dignity, I cannot say the same for one who quite frankly has had to resort to foul language of the highest order (really C$%T)?!?

The Doghouse quite rightly is a passionate place for people who love their dogs, but when taking part in a discussion is there really any need to bait posters as one MNter did (read back) which then of course will cause a distraction away from the main aim, to help the OP?

Everyone has the right to offer advice and an opinion, they do not however deserve to be targeted by some who think their right to that opinion includes personal judgements and foul mouth attacks.

If all The Doghouse wants is one of the same opinion having a open forum is a bit pointless.

Math had to defend her points and she did so whilst not reacting to the above comments, to suggest she has argued with other posters and not helped the OP is wrong.

The OP has now reached a plan to move forward which is why I am having my final say on how this thread developed.

Most of the posters here, whether I agreed with them or not had vaild and reasonable points to make, and did their best to guide the OP,some however seem to use this forum as a vent to bully others for not following the same beliefs.

Can you really say that The Doghouse applauds members who call other posters C$%NTS?!?

The Doghouse is not 'an entity' you know. I can't speak for Katherine any more than I can speak for Math. People have posted their opinions here as individuals, but many people felt that the welfare of the dog was worth a mention. 'The Doghouse' doesn't 'want' anything - it is a topic on a forum.

I'm surprised that people are surprised that posters on 'the Doghouse' put the animal's welfare as a priority.

Not surprised in the least as my other post states, quite rightly so when entitled the Doghouse, but likewise the OP came to a forum she felt she would gain the most relevant advice from those who have a common interest.

The welfare is of course an important and relavent factor and the majority of posters got that across, offering lots of advice and options.

In respect of being an entity,it is unfortunate that one in particular seemed to 'want' it as an exclusive club for those against rehoming in fact informing Math to "sod off then"!?!

I totally agree with you regarding posting as inviduals,however the nature of mumsnet reagrdless of content of forum is to create a online community, and what I am surprised about is that no one else appeared to find those particular comments crude.

As I said earlier, the majority of comments advice and opinions offered whether myself or others including the OP agreed were made in the good spirit and proves it unecessary to resort to such tactics.

And in my opinion is not inkeeping with the respect that people who take the time to post and get involved deserve,we all have a right to agree to disagree and not be called an offensive derogatory name in the process.

where do you get the idea (math and perhaps some others on here) that there is some sort of doghouse manual, some agreed party line here? i find that pretty insulting actually. anyone can post here (as shown by this thread!), including those who care passionately about dogs as well as those who maybe know or care very little for them... like the whole of mn it's not some closed shop. no one has been rude or unhelpful to the op.some have been pretty insulting to their fellow posters. seems v unnecessary..... just saying.

re my comment about explaining to toddler carefully about dog going that is what i would do, hence my post. others may think "she wouldn't think that", that is their view. it would concern me that she might. that is my view.

Actually, if you read the post, the poster said 'sod off then' in response to a derogatory remark about the Doghouse, and not to the OP. There is no need whatsoever for a single remark to be made about 'The Doghouse' at all. These remarks don't help the OP - and there are many on this thread - just starts a bunfight. Everyone is an individual posting on here, and by nature of the subject matter, the majority of posters with an interest in posting here will be thinking of the poor dog being re-homed.

Leo, the dog share could work. I looked after a friend's dog when she worked for 2/3 days a week after she split with her partner. I hope it works for you. Training issues can be sorted and will make walking the dog sooo much easier.

OP The dog share idea sounds like an excellent idea, i so hope you friends are interested :) it would be so much easier for them too!!

Math Have to say i am very offended that you seem to think that me walking my toddler and dog together is "dangerous!" what a stupid comment?! Id like to say that i must have a better trained dog and better parenting skills but to be honest i doubt that either is true!

My toddler is with me with me for EVERY morning walk, i can honestly say i dont think i put either him or my dog in danger what so ever!!.

Math you are mad. I used to carry newborn in a sling, 20 month old in 3 wheeler buggy and dog on either side when we went for a walk round our village..
Dog share sounds worth a try

this is how i walk the dog (please vote!!)

The key words there are 'sling' and 'buggy'. Someone upthread was suggesting that a walking toddler and dog pulling on a lead was a recipe for a good time and no problem.

It really is dangerous to try to have a walking toddler and dog walk together. What do you do if your dog is attacked by another dog and your child is not restrained in some way? What if your god takes off after a squirrel or cat? What do you do if your child steps off the curb while you are scooping poop? (In fact, how do you manage to scoop poop while holding a child's hand beside an even halfway busy road?) You would need a lot more hands to do it safely in a lot of neighbourhoods. Good for you if you live in a quiet area, maybe near a park, but a lot of people live in a more urban environment and the hazards alone would make it impossible without even thinking of the nature of dogs or toddlers.

'where do you get the idea (math and perhaps some others on here) that there is some sort of doghouse manual, some agreed party line here? i find that pretty insulting actually. anyone can post here (as shown by this thread!), including those who care passionately about dogs as well as those who maybe know or care very little for them... like the whole of mn it's not some closed shop. no one has been rude or unhelpful to the op.some have been pretty insulting to their fellow posters. seems v unnecessary..... just saying.'

Answer: from here --

'Did you realise she fosters dogs for rehoming herself? This thread is packed full of practical advice to allow the OP to possibly reconsider her decision. Yes, the Doghouse has people posting on it that don't feel it's ok to just rehome a dog because it's become a bit of a hassle. Why so surprised about that?'

The Doghouse seems to be a rather clubby place where people know what others do in their spare time, judging from that post. And also judging from the post where I was invited to sod off. I have an opinion contrary to the majority here and apparently that is something that does not happen often enough on this Topic.

It also seems to me that there are a good few people who are so 'passionate' about dogs that they have lost sight of sense and the ability to prioritise. When an owner cannot take care of a dog the way the dog needs to be taken care of then for the sake of the dog, rehoming is not just desirable but necessary. To suggest otherwise is pure sentimental hogwash. A lot of you seem to be projecting your own human emotions and experience onto the dog situation here, just as the OP's exH is projecting his guilt onto her using the dog as a prop (and maybe even his desire to suggest that the OP isn't the rock of stability in her DD's life).

Throughout this thread there is confusion of sentimentality with sense. One is good for the dog and one is not. If people really cared about the welfare of the dog they would try to separate out their own feelings from the situation and try to examine what dogs stand for in their lives.

WRT 'surprise' (KouklaMoo):
I don't think I was as much surprised as appalled that people would dismiss a well thought out and clearly very difficult decision that was made on the basis of what was best for the dog as a willingness to dump the dog at the first bump in the road. Apparently it is not possible for some to see how much of an insult that is to the intelligence and the intentions of someone who loves her dog. That is 'loves' as opposed to 'worships'.

My dog died when my dd was 18 months. She is now 13 and only 'remembers' him when we look at pictures. She forgot him very quickly. Please don't worry - I hope you can find a good home. My folks have rehomed loads of labs and they settle well into the right home too.

are you always so angry and vituperative in the way you choose to express yourself math? you do seem very cross indeed, but i am genuinely not quite sure why. people have different views. hardly a shocking discovery....

Sympathies op. I am going through similar, rehoming a dog and I have 3 small kids, but I know it is the best for everyone including the dog and my kids will get over it. Best of luck

Speaking of anger and vituperation, thank you for asking the poster who saw fit to call me the C word whether that was her usual style.

Sad you seem to see disagreement with the holy orthodox Doghouse Religion as anger and vituperation.

This really is a parallel universe.

i didn't see anyone on here call you the C word. where? . it helps explain why you sound so very angry! but your tone is really rather unfortunate (imo). i have not been rude to you at all, yet you seem to think you have some fight to pick with me. i don't get it... and think i need to give up trying quite frankly.

'KatharineClifton Sun 13-Nov-11 00:33:19
Message deleted by Mumsnet.'

MNHQ got there first it appears. An unfortunate post like that reflects only on the poster.

Again, maybe you are confusing disagreement with anger?

Can vouch math was called a cunt. I think it was deleted.

Imo, this full thread has lost its original point. People gave advice, people tried to help OP, some where not very nice, some where.

Its totally gone from the OP now and gone onto a slanging match between posters. Everyone has a different opinion, I do think its a tad shit to start calling people cunts. Perhaps this thread has ran its course now.

poster mathanxiety Sun 13-Nov-11 18:42:08
The key words there are 'sling' and 'buggy'. Someone upthread was suggesting that a walking toddler and dog pulling on a lead was a recipe for a good time and no problem.

It really is dangerous to try to have a walking toddler and dog walk together. What do you do if your dog is attacked by another dog and your child is not restrained in some way? What if your god takes off after a squirrel or cat? What do you do if your child steps off the curb while you are scooping poop? (In fact, how do you manage to scoop poop while holding a child's hand beside an even halfway busy road?) You would need a lot more hands to do it safely in a lot of neighbourhoods. Good for you if you live in a quiet area, maybe near a park, but a lot of people live in a more urban environment and the hazards alone would make it impossible without even thinking of the nature of dogs or toddlers.

For starters no people didnt say that it was ok to walk a pulling dog with a walking toddler (or at least i didnt see this, tho ive not read back). The OP was given lots of advice on how to train this out of her dog tho.

What would i do if my dog was attacked, I would drop his lead just as i would if i was walking him alone, i would NEVER put myself in the middle of a dog attack/fight. However the chance of my dog being attacked while walking on lead in the streets in my area (which is a very busy urban area) are slim, ive never seen a dog off lead in the streets around here. In the park i avoid and walk the opposite direction of any dogs (well if im totally honest its the owners body language i look for) i dont like the look of.

Re chasing sqirrels/cat ect, thankfully my dog has a rock solid recall and he wouldnt continue to chase if i called him back.

Re picking dog crap up, Thankfully yes we do live near the park the walk is about 5 minutes (toddler pace) across a very busy road. He has never actually pood on route (either way). However i have on several times looped the dogs lead over my foot while i tend to my DS (grazed knee, grubby hands ect) so i would do the same and OBVIOUSLY pick it up.

I have only recently stopped using the buggy, and on days when the weather is really bad or i just cant be arsed to run around after my toddler, i will still take the buggy, some days he doesnt like it but thats just tough, its an hour it wont kill or mentally scare him.

Its ridiculous to say its impossible, that like saying you life ends when you have kids. Where there's a will theres a way!! during the school hols and at weekend i walk dog and my older 2 DDs too, one of which has ASD. Trust me if i can manage most people CAN if they WANT to.

But that is all very nice and mighty fine because you have decided that for you and your dog, these things are possible.

Do you not think the OP has gone over in her mind the possibilities and weighed the amount of extra work and training (and let's not forget the bit about time and money), and come down after a good deal of thought on the side of what is right for her in her circumstances, which are not your circumstances? She has had the dog for 6 years and loves him. She is not discarding him on a whim. Money and time and a return to work and what her DD needs and what she needs are real problems.

And so what if she simply does not want to? Are we really saying here that a dog is a for better or for worse proposition? If so, then this really is a religion.

i know i said i'd give up... but, but
math, you may find it very hard to understand or empathise with this view but many pet owners really do believe that when they choose to take on a pet they are making a life long commitment to that pet. you may feel very differently. but that doesn't make them wrong, nor does it fairly characterise them as members of some sect or cult or religion.

Math - would you go onto the feminism/womens rights topic and ask ' why are you all so feminist?'

Math - 'MNHQ got there first.'

MNHQ did not get there first - threads are not moderated. You or someone else reported it. Too delicate, for the word cunt, perhaps.

There's a vast difference between Feminist/Women's Rights board and this one. I post and lurk there a bit. The difference is the fanatical zeal pro-dog zeal and denial of human reality that is evident here.

There's a difference between sentimental attachment to dogs and being sensible about how you express your love for your dog. Sometimes if you really love him you have to face facts and let him go. Somewhere in all the zeal and sentimentality on this thread the question of what is the best possible compromise for the good of all concerned, including the humans, has been forgotten.

Just because the OP has priorities that are different from those of many here doesn't make her wrong, or a bad dog owner.

I disagree strenuously with the idea that people should be made to feel guilty for making conscientious decisions that are best for their families and their pets in the long run and the allied notion that someone who has a lot on her plate already should be asked to try harder to keep her dog when she has already stated that she has neither the time nor the money to realistically do much more for him.