Masterchef. It's back. Go on, you know you want to. Thread the 1st

[Halsall]

New series, starts Monday the 13th (unlucky for some?) on BBC1 at 9pm. Starting on a low gas now so the Greggggg 'observations' can build up gradually to a nice rolling boil.

THANK YOU ❤️ to @MrsTommyBanks for spotting the date and sending out the Mastercheffians bat-signal

@SchadenfreudePersonified
@ellenanora5
@RomaineCalm
@GrouchyKiwi
@Wolfcub
@Taffeta
@fourquenelles
@whatashower
@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow
@PencilMuseum
@jay55
@ilovesooty
@iklboo
@shirleyphallus

Apologies to anyone I've missed and I trust you'll see the thread. We need the equivalent of an email group!

56 new contestants to find nicknames for

No, lovely Laurence won

Cooking with dry ice/liquid nitrogen @ellen.

Me and my partner LOVE Masterchef. Love it like slags. Can cats be judges? We have two very judgy cats.

Those are very judgy faced (but gorgeous) pusks.

Cats would ba AMAZING judges mazylou!

While dogs would just scoff everything and then vomit up the stuff they didn't like much, cats would approach the proffered plate with their noses wrinkled in disgust . . .

. . .they would poke things suspiciously with a reluctant paw, and mew piercingly - "And this is . . . ?"

When told what it was, they would sniff contemptuously and shake their backsides at it.

Only on the rarest of occasions would they actually approve of anything.

We would all be ecstatic!

Thank you mazylou, my brain isn't working well today couldn't think of it

Your cat would ace a staring contest

Schaden cats would definitely be more discerning judges than old wobble-chops

Loving all the gorgeous dogs and cats. Can my Jess apply? She is old, wise and incredibly fussy. She does a cracking sad face when presented with something she disapproves of. She would completely ignore anything swanky.

Bloody phone. Wanky! Although she prob wouldn't like swanky either.

I think a jury of dogs and cats would really be far preferable to the gurning grocer.

Scahdenfreude - I agree.

Couple of dogs and a cat & I'll vote for John Thorode to stay because he isn't Gregg & we should have him because Gregg pretty much repeats what he says. I love the idea of cats just turning their noses up at everything & Edie and Sailor just chucking aside the 3 way beetroot & then tucking into the tiny bit of duck / lamb / rabbit / beef .

Those two beautiful cats do look very judgmental. Jess is sweet and Edie but I'm still supporting Sailor

I'm team Sailor too @Davros He is quite elderly & a bit slow in his walks but a lovely temperament. I suspect he would just lie down whilst they were cooking and not bother them with needless " Cooking don't get much harder than this " nonsense. But am sure stop watch could be attached to his collar.

@MrsTommyBanks - I would vote for Jess to be in the round where they have to serve 3 cooks / previous winners / restauranteurs in the dining room. I suspect her face could say a thousand words.

MrsTommy

Could we rely on her to fart horribly when presented with anything inappropriately named eg "cauliflower steak " ?

(Also, for "deconstructions", "umpteen ways" , smears or blobs of stuff on a plate that actually makes their way into the description of the meal, despite the fact that there is less than a gram of ingredient there, plates that just have food on one half, anything that should in a herbaceous border, AND

ANY MEAL SERVED ON A BLOCK OF DRIFTWOOD DECORATED WITH SEAGULL FEATHERS, OR ON A ROOF SLATE DECORATED WITH CROW FEATHERS OR GRASPED IN A CLAW LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A VINCENT PRICE FILM FROM THE FIFTIES, OR IN A TINY MILK CHURN, OR MINIATURE SUPERMARKET TROLLEY AND THE GRAVY IN A JAM-JAR, ETC -

whatever you're serving - put it on a f*cking plate!

Horrible farting can definately be arranged Schaden I can just up her liver intake

Woohoo!

Yup. I am with @Schadenfreudepersonified here , but I shall not shout. - though the inappropriate serving suggestions I utterly agree with. Have I dreamt this or did someone actually try to serve something in a boot ( Not MC - just the internet )

That said - if I am told e.g. I will have - let's say mashed broccoli - I expect to see some mashed broccoli. Not what looks like you have left over after you have cleaned the plate for the dishwasher. Same applies to other purees or jus.

I realise my example is poor. I shall take myself off for telling off by Sailor.

did someone actually try to serve something in a boot

FFS - don't give them ideas . . . .

That said - if I am told e.g. I will have - let's say mashed broccoli - I expect to see some mashed broccoli. Not what looks like you have left over after you have cleaned the plate for the dishwasher. Same applies to other purees or jus.

That is exactly what I think, Basilisk. Any named item needs to be

a) reasonably identifiable, and

b) plenty of it

(Northern woman here . . . we don't do food by halves)

Well @Schadenfreudepersonified - I am not Northern , but I do not think you have cornered the market in acutally having something nice to eat

So a silly example & not from MC but if - let's say ( and for the avoidance of doubt I am making this up ) - someone said I am going to serve you lovely cooked salmon ( one way , two ways , three ways - I'll live with any of those ) with ( insert foraged greens / flowers of your choice here ) with a sun-dried tomato guacamole. I would think - Oh that sounds nice. Imagine my disappointment when they have dipped the back end of a spoon in said sun-dried tomato guacamole and just rubbed it over the plate. Would it be too bad to send Sailor to bark at them until I actually had my sun-dried tomato guacamole ?

Some of the things they do look so beautiful - but two pipette's worth of a sauce - can you actually taste that

I realise this reflects more badly on me than the contestants. I'll still bet on myself against Gregg , and actually will bet on Sailor over me.

I'm not Northern either (well, a bit, more of a mongrel really, I digress...) but I am somewhat middle class and this I feel could be my downfall. Without actually picking up the plate and licking it clean I don't think I would thrive on MC portions.

I think a dog and cat judging panel would be great. The dogs would crawl up to the plate on their bellies hoping (in vain) to avoid a thorny swat from the cats who would be sniffing it suspiciously for worming tablets. The cats would (of course) have first dibs. Following tasting there would follow some elaborate coughing and retching before the chef's work was brought back for a second opinion from the dogs.

Awesome.

Would it be too bad to send Sailor to bark at them until I actually had my sun-dried tomato guacamole ?

It would be obligatory in my book.

I hate to see a smear of what is supposed to be food

The cats would (of course) have first dibs. Following tasting there would follow some elaborate coughing and retching before the chef's work was brought back for a second opinion from the dogs.

Who, being dogs, would delightedly devour the vomit!

@myimaginarycathasfleas - are you Gregg "without actually picking up the plate and licking it clean I don't think I would thrive on MC portions."

I do not believe you are myimaginary No I have decided you are One Of Us ( for what that is worth ) I like your dogs v cats judging panel.

So @schadenfreudepersonified ( could you get a nn with fewer letters - just that it takes lot to type - though the name is great - sorry should not have said that )

So in my mind - cats would look at dishes and turn noses up. Then John Throrode would put dishes on floor for dogs . Sailor will be chief judge - whichever one he goes for ( but as I said - pretty much not worse than Greggs option) If the BBC insist on keeping Gregg then he can do 3rd choice after cats and dogs and do his cheeky chappy thing ( I suspect Sailor will fix him with a Basilisk Stare at that point ) It could not be worse could than Gregg's asinine comments

I would love to see cats or dogs looking at a "plate of food" and just looking at you with their big brown eyes and saying , " this isn't food - it's flowers and scrapings. " Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.

Hurray, I can't wait.

Not sure if this will work - but here are my two - bet they could be more congenial than Gregggg