Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Hello everyone! Just checking in so that I can find this thread more easily in future.
Anyway, I have 3 daughters, two of whom are 16 and 13.
A prison sentence would be easier than my life

I can totally relate, in fact, I posted on MN a while ago because I was at my wits end with our DD ,now 17. DD has been incredibly difficult, has always been very strong-willed and independent, but became nasty, rude, uncommunicative and didn't want to be around us (me, her dad and older sister) since about the age of 9. She was apparently a model student at school but mean and angry at home and caused all sorts of conflict and animosity. She has had me in tears on many, many occasions. We tried family meetings, which she often wouldn't join, or would quickly storm off or it seemed to make matters worse, we have suggested therapy (family and alone), which she would not consider, car journeys passed in silence, meals out and family holidays ruined. Mothers day and my birthdays were soul-destroying, and largely ignored by DD. It felt like she hated us all.

On the very rare occasions she would open up in any way, she said she didn't know why she was angry and to just leave her alone. She has struggled with heavy periods, which I think has had a lot to do with it, and we also moved house and a little further from her friends when she was about 12, which I think was a big mistake on our part. With hindsight, we can now see that she felt we took her away from her friendship group, and friends are everything to teenage girls. And then of course lockdown exacerbated things.

I have no answers OP, but from everything I have learned, it is a phase some go through and, I am told, most seem to come out the other side nice human beings. The last few years have been awful, but DD is now improving, for no apparent reason, but the signs are there and I am clinging onto the hope that we will one day be close. I am sure DD isn't happy with the way things have been either. Everyone and every relationship is different, and families deal with this sort of thing as best they can. Personally, I don't think that threats/punishments work - we tried all that and it was counterproductive. A couple of years ago we made a huge effort to concentrate on the positives, let DD know we love her and are there for her and ignored as much of the lower-level stuff as possible. DD dropped out of college but is now doing a PT job and learning to drive, and I get the impression she is feeling more positive about herself and her future.

I just want you to know that you are not alone, I am sure you are doing the best you can for your family and your DD and I send you a huge virtual hug. This too shall pass, hang on in there!

Can I join please even though DD is only 12? She's autistic, can't cope with school anymore so she's not attending. And although she's being assessed for a possible EHCP we're not expecting anything useful to come of it and are on the brink of deregistering her and home educating for at least a couple of years. She's permanently on the edge of burnout at the moment, a little better than she was when we were still trying to force school attendance of course e.g. she's generally better regulated in terms of her mood and her eating has improved a bit (had autism-related issues with that since she was tiny). But she's up until 3am, sleeps until lunchtime, become VERY resistant to showering/bathing which is grim. She has started puberty but not yet had her first period; I'm kind of dreading that as I'm not expecting her to cope well with menstruation. We are deliberately keeping everyday demands on her as low as possible so she can recover from burnout and because her presentation of autism means that low-demand parenting is the only way forward. But every day I feel guilty that I'm getting it wrong, that she's living half a life and she's not even quite into her teens yet.

4 teens at home. 1 awaiting ASD assessment..
Life isn't pleasant right now!
Dd 16 has turned a corner.. 2 attempted suicides last year and school refusing. Back at school on a reduced timetable but back at least. Self harming has also stopped. .
My adult dc often joke how am I not a junkie /alcoholic..
Wish I had time to drink...
A bath in peace is a real treat.. Teens are him upstairs having a joke imo.

I have teen girls and have posted before about my DD14 being deeply unpleasant.

I took the advice given here a few days ago and focused on positives and ignored as much of the negative as i could and it has really made a difference to both me and her - my DD even went for a walk with me this morning.

Don’t deregister. Parents often find it easier (though not easy!) to get support when their DC remain on the school’s roll, even if they can’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s ‘problem’ whereas if you EHE it is easier for others to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

If DC can’t attend school full time the LA must make suitable alternative arrangements. But if you EHE the LA will say you are making suitable arrangements thereby relieving them of their duties.

You should also apply for an EHCNA. An EHCP can provide much more support, including therapies DC wouldn’t otherwise receive. If attending a school isn’t suitable EOTAS is possible.

I actually posted about issues with school attendance a while back, though possibly under NC. I was recommended the not fine in school FB group and have found it to be really helpful as made me feel much less alone.
My DD😏 is 13, the outbursts and rage are definitely a lot. I think I've cried more about things with her in the last few months than in the previous 12 years! It's constantly exhausting. She also initially refused counselling offered by school but seems to have got a bit more on board with the idea over a period of time.
No advice just know I'm here with you too.

My daughter was like this, and has come out of the other side so I can offer some hope.

In her case it was a combination of hashimoto's thyroiditis which led to exhaustion and pain, and also undiagnosed adhd.

None of these were helped by her other parent who used to shout at her for being lazy and not trying and tell her she'd never get anywhere in life.

It was a tough few years so my thoughts are with those of you going through it.

My daughter is now lovely and at university, something she feared she would never attain when she dropped out of sixth form.

I could really do with this thread today. Although my DD has just turned 18 recently she started to get worse and worse from around age 12-13 onwards. Sorry to everyone with younger DD’s.

She has spoiled days out, holidays, meals (like another posters daughter has) and frequently affects my mood, reduces me to tears and on days like today I feel like I have completely failed as a mum. In the past I have tried to talk to her (in the car on a walk etc), suggested counselling, seeing a Dr for blood tests but she out and out refuses. I would love to spend time with her and for her to behave reasonably but she rarely does.

She has had friendship issues and was bullied around age 12-13 by ex friends. She has always been quite young and immature for her age and she really wasn’t ready to start her periods around 12-13. I do think she is a little ND. She has learned to drive, has a pt job, is currently doing A levels, has applied to Uni and sometimes she can be quite savvy and mature. But her bedroom is an absolute pig sty (unmade bed, dirty clothes, underwear, crockery, bits of homework, crafting, wet towels discarded on the floor etc. She also eats a beige unhealthy diet, cooks weird concoctions for herself but never tidies up after herself.

She calls DH and I by our christian names which we find inappropriate and disrespectful but she continues even though we have asked her not to and said why.

Most of her anger and moodiness she directs towards me.

Occasionally and more frequently than previously she can be briefly lovely, fun, kind, thoughtful, grown up and insightful etc but this is always short lived and she quickly goes back to moodiness, anger, being secretive, lying, filthy and messy etc.

Can I join?

My DD is 12 and we've recently basically watched her have a breakdown. She hardly goes to school, and has attempted suicide twice this week.

We're waiting for a private ADHD assessment but it's a month away and I don't even know if we've got that long.

She's under CAHMS already but they're fairly useless IME. If one more person says 'there's an app you can download' I'll honestly scream.

Have you tried a less direct form of MH support? One that relies less on verbal communication and potentially taps in to whatever DD’s interests are. Some DC who can’t engage with other forms of help can engage with that.

@JustKeepBuilding no what do you suggest please? Its even more difficult now she is 18, really stroppy and fiercely guarded and independent.

I have a friend/ex work colleague that DD doesn’t know who has two dogs the same breed as our dog and DD loves dogs. She has a lot of experience with slightly older kids with autism and MH issues due to her job role and I have thought about arranging a sneaky meet up with this friend if the friend was agreeable and for them to try to have a chat whilst doing something with the dogs (but she, DD is so clever and intuitive that I am sure she would smell a rat and be extremely charming and nice and behave in a relatively ‘normal age appropriate way than she does at home with us).

@BeeBB It depends on DD’s interests. If she likes dogs what about animal assisted therapy? Either more general animal assisted therapy or something more specific - therapy dogs, equine assisted therapy, I’ve even heard of alpaca assisted therapy!

Other options could be art or gaming therapy.

Away from therapy sessions you could look at an assistance dog/training an assistance dog or care farm. Many find them beneficial.