Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

@JD90 I’m so sorry to hear things are so hard for you all. I totally understand that sense of feeling useless to be able to make any kind of meaningful change. A bit like Groundhog day give or take a few moments that feel like things might be looking a bit better followed by yet another meltdown. I am certainly so exhausted by it all.

Your having to deal with the police must have been a awful moment - I am so sorry you are going through this and completely empathise!

@MamaShelter the officers were actually both really lovely and not at all judgemental which I was very thankful for. Oddly enough about 2 minutes before they knocked on the door I was just thinking I wonder if anyone rang the police, as I've have probably done the same if I had witnessed the whole scenario. I know they will now do a safeguarding report and such and that's fine with me, we are currently waiting for an early help assessment meeting with school anyway. Which will hopefully be this week, luckily her new school have been absolutely amazing and I can't give them enough praise, which in a weird way makes it harder tbh because I feel as if I am letting them down. Stupid I know, but that's my own issues showing through with that!

That’s really good to hear @StopfordWife
Things are on the whole better here at the moment albeit beset by fairly ‘normal’ teenage issues. She’s even told school that she feels her relationship with me is really good at the moment which made me happy to hear. She seems to have a more steady group of friends and has found her rhythm at school a bit more. I still dread mornings where she will refuse to go but in the main she’s making it in.
But I can see other issues creeping up. Eating being the main one. I’m treading carefully.

Great to hear. Please can I ask what type of therapy it has been? Cbt or another approach?

I don't think I love my daughter anymore. It makes me sad to realise that. But she just isn't nice. I fear being around her. This is not just a teen thing either. She has gradually been harder and harder to be around since she was about 6 or 7 and I'm just really, really worn down. I don't like spending time with her, I try to avoid her these days because I can't say anything right, can't ask her to so anything without it being ignored and a rageful argument ensuing. I can't reason with her. I try to be so calm and supportive but honestly, I'm done.
I used to love her and I feel awful saying it, but I don't think I do anymore. I feel like I just want her to leave (she's nearly 15) to protect her 12 year old sister.
I feel a sense of sadness about her, I know she's only a child and probably thinks we (mostly me but also her father) are to blame for how she behaves but I don't feel love towards her anymore. Which I'm pretty sure makes me a crappy mum. It's not something I ever imagined happening.
I see most people here love their daughter, but don't necessarily like them currently, so I feel quite alone.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it sounds like you've been utterly ground down over a long period of time. Its exhausting, I know, but it will pass - even if it doesn't pass for a while, it will, so please hang in there.
Are you doing this all on your own, or is there a partner / dad who is able to take some of the strain? Is there anyone who your daughter has a good relationship with? Anyone who can get her out of her rage for a night a week?
I know that dynamics between mums and daughters can be especially difficult to manage (I've got boys and girls and I've definitely struggled a lot more with my girls!), but i hope you've got some support who can help you work through all of this. Be kind to yourself, whatever that looks like.

I live with her dad but he is out of the country on tour with his band for large chunks of time (it's his job so can't really complain, it is what it is). They argue just as much as we do. She autistic with PDA and has always been like this really, it's just I have less empathy and energy for it now. She's bigger than me, so when violent it's actually quite scary. I've just stopped feeling anything but resentment towards her. Which is sad. I know I can be a loving parent because I love her younger sister unconditionally even though she winds me up sometimes. I just can't feel love for her anymore. Which is a really sad realisation.
Both my parents died before I had children and I don't have friends locally. I used to but they all gradually stopped wanting to be around us.

@Nopepandathis sounds so tough. I always think that rather then being seen as a crappy parent the fact you recognise these feelings means you still care.

I have a friend who’s son has the same diagnoses as your daughter and it is SO HARD.

she has sought expert help for the whole family - the younger sibling has locks on their door now. It’s all just so difficult.

is your daughter having any kind of therapy or support? What about medication?

sending sympathy

That's awful if she is being violent, and obviously not OK for your younger daughter to be around. Not sure if Social Work are involved, but they may be able to advise about local services if there's violence?
Would it be an option to get some family therapy together?

Hi all
I hope you are doing ok. I'm going to vent and I'm sorry in advance!

TL:DR I have completely messed up with my daughters exams.

Long version- DD is now 18 she dropped out of school at 15 due to autistic burnout. School were hopeless and the council offered no help to find a place for her. Eventually she recovered enough to start attending an online school but they offer A levels and we are in Scotland so that system is a mystery to me. DD hates it but we keep going as she wants some qualifications.

She is in the final year now and there have been parents meetings about exams which I completely missed.

I am not making excuses but this year we've been dealing with DD and her desperation to attend a campus school but only one that meets such specific conditions it wasn't possible to find one. Also caring for an elderly relative who has now died; the sudden death of another family member; plus the usual drama of families. My work has also been hideous and I was made redundant at the end of November.

The online school doesn't run the exams you need to find a centre yourself and I'd identified one - the only one I could find in lowland Scotland but they don't do extra time and now it turns out the exam board has scheduled two of her subjects for the same day and the exam centre are saying they probably can't accommodate that.

I know I should have sorted this all ages ago. And the organised parents at the school are completely on top of it all! I just feel so rotten.

All I want is for her to finish school and have options. We spoke to a psychologist who said I had to lower my expectations but I genuinely don't have many. I just know she wants these qualifications because she thinks it will lead her back to her old life.

She doesn't go out without us, she only sees limited members of family.

People think we should have been tougher and not let her drop out of school but there was no option. She was hysterical at the thought of it.

And I know I shouldn't listen to people who don't have experience of autism but it's hard when everyone feels justified in offering their advice.

This all started when she was 10 when she stopped going to school for months and stopped eating - it took a lot of psychological help (destroying our savings) and time to get her eating again. We've had years where we survived on 3-4 hours sleep per night. Fortunately eating and sleeping are better now but school is always an issue.

Sorry that was huge I just needed to get it out. I'm trying not to worry DH too much as he has a very stressful work situation as well and we need his salary now!

Oh wow - you’ve all been though so much.

I think I’d be going into practical mode now. What’s done is done. Decisions were made and you can’t go back. No blame is needed either.

what CAN be done now?

@Chrysanthemum5 some exam centres who accept private candidates are full now, especially for those who require exam access arrangements, but some are still accepting bookings. You could look at ones in England and stay local to the centre for them. Even if you lived in England, some private candidates have to stay in hotels the night before.

Thanks @wickermum and @JustKeepBuilding I know I need to accept it now. I just had no idea that sorting a private centre would be so hard. All I can do know if hope the centre will allow the quarantine to let her do both exams. If they won't ill need to try to find another one.

Practical steps as the focus is a good idea.

Thank you both for being kind