Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

563 replies

SockGoddess · 13/02/2023 12:07

Following on from MsAnnThropic's thread about struggling with a 13.5yo daughter, we found there were several of us in the same boat with unhappy, angry, difficult and/or themselves struggling teen DDs, and agreed to start a thread where we can discuss, vent and handhold.

Mine is actually only just about to turn 13 but I feel like I'm on edge all the time because of the nastiness and explosive rages, my work is suffering as she often misses school too (i WFH thankfully), and she refuses to accept any counselling or other support even though we have worked so hard to have them available. I'm so worried about her as I think it arises out of her deep anxiety, hormone storms and all the stress of puberty, the usual young teen friendship issues and changing schools. Anyone would be in a state and I want to help. But at the same time I'm often reduced to a weepy wreck and sometimes it feels like it will never end - though intellectually I do have hope she'll find a way to come though it.

Dear struggling mums of teen DDs one and all come for a chat, Brew, handholds and hugs.

We would also love to hear reassurance from those whose DDs have been like this and come out the other side, and what if anything helped.

I may not be able to post much for a bit as having a relative to stay soon, but will check back in asap.

OP posts:
Original poster
SockGoddess · 16/02/2023 11:50

Thank you so much to those offering stories of recovery, they mean a lot to me. One of the hardest things for me, because my DD is refusing any help, counselling or medical appointments at the moment, is the feeling that it could go on for ever and we're trapped in limbo. I'm putting a lot of hope in her coming around to accepting help eventually, and/or her finding things a bit easier as she gets through the worst of the hormonal changes and brain changes, though I know that's not the sole factor.

PatButchersEarring I can relate to so much of your post including the difficulty of dealing with violence. You have a natural instinct to fight back when someone hits you, but at the same time a natural instinct to protect your child and it is very hard in that situation. I've also handled things badly before, but I've been advised to just not engage, walk away, protect myself by going in my room our outside the house, and calmly say I we can't discuss things when she's in this state, and I will talk to her when she's calmed down. If there's any violence try to defuse it asap by just leaving the scene (if she's safe) and making clear you'll be available when she's calmed down. I've also been told the lashing out in my DD's case is to do with her intense anxiety and panic and to try not to take it personally. This advice has helped, it helps defuse the situation when it happens, and I think has made it less frequent.

To you and others, I have found there is a lot of support for both her (though she won't accept it yet) and for me. I have called a parentline helpline, got help from GP who is being fantastic, and referral to Camhs, school can offer a lot of support, counselling, options to miss things she can't cope with etc. (which again she won't take but it's ready and waiting), Barnardos have given me an hour with a support worker, school have referred us to an MH community support service and we have a worker who visits the house, social work children's services have said to call them out of hours if things get really bad etc. Nothing is helping her at the moment because she won't engage, but all these people have been there for me to talk to at various points and the range of services mean I know who to call in an emergency. I've also asked friends for support, even though I'm an introverted type who doesn't normally cry on people's shoulders, my friends have understood and been supportive.

So please if it helps try looking up all these things in your area and asking for help. Given the state of the NHS and public services I have been really amazed by how much support has been on offer and being able to offload and ask for advice has helped me a lot.

OP posts:
PatButchersEarring · 16/02/2023 19:27

Thank you @SockGoddess and others. I have been in touch with Early Help today.

I'll be honest, my DP, though he means well is often oblivious to many of the issues and doesn't really step in with how she speaks to me or her brother unless I prompt him to do so. I find this utterly infuriating and sometimes I wonder how much she is kind of acting out our relationship dynamics, although it's likely I am overthinking this.

Either way, we as a family, need some help and the wheels have been set in motion.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 17/02/2023 23:04

That’s great that you’ve got something started Pat.

have had a rollercoaster couple of days with really bad meltdown and anger last night and I didn’t follow my own advice of staying calm 😞 but a calmer day today and even some niceness. Which is great but the rollercoaster is exhausting.

OP posts:
BlibBlabBlob · 19/02/2023 12:14

SummerWinds · 15/02/2023 09:06

Apologies in advance as l am referring to my son's experience which was very similar.
I have spent years researching school refusal, anxiety and panic attacks, it is very complex but what worked for me, and plenty of others in same boat was to take school out of the equation. Force does not work, it may temporarily but for most it makes everything a whole lot worse and just prolongs the agony alongside the missed education.
Acceptance that the school environment is not the right fit for your child at this stage in their lives is key. It's not a failure on anyone, it just is what it is. If a plant did not thrive or flourish in a certain environment you would move it, simple as that.
At 13 young students are perfectly capable of being in the driving seat and taking control of their own education, online. All of the information is there online. From unlimited free tutorials covering every subject and advice on how to well in exams.
My son was home educated/ self taught, from age 13 due to an anxiety disorder. He didn't require any assistance from myself, no tutors, no paid online school. l kept on working as normal. He achieved top grades in every subject. It can be done. He is now studying A levels now and thoroughly enjoying it, as well as working part time. He is totally unrecognisable from how he was at 13, in everyway. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I could never have imagined this outcome 5 years ago, we were a family falling apart. He had huge anger issues, extremely low mood and zero motivation. He talked of suicide because he felt due to not being able to attend school his life was over. It was utterly heartbreaking.
You often find students get better naturally at dealing with their anxiety as they move into their later teen years. Age 13 seems to be stage when things badly fall apart and life becomes hell. So much time is wasted waiting months, years waiting for medical appointments and trying/ forcing coping mechanisms that don't work, maybe for mild anxiety, but not for an anxiety disorder.
It is so wrong and so limiting to think only one kind of education fits all, as in school.
I see time and time again on here people advising to keep the child in school no matter what when when they have no previous experience or knowledge of these issues.
If you go on to the Not Fine At School website you will see the huge extent of these problems and the consequences of trying to make something work for the sake of pleasing others rather than taking into account your child's actual wellbeing.
Often once the young person realises there is still a way to obtain a good education which is more manageable for them things vastly improve, it gives them hope that all is not lost.
This is not an overnight cure, it takes time, look at deschooling, this is critical for making HE work.
Students who study from home often sit IGCSE' s where they are marked solely on exams. My son say his at a nearby college, there are also exam centres dotted around Uk.
Other things that helped, his Bearded Dragon repitile, good diet, better sleep schedule, exercise.

Thank you so SO much for this, it really gives me hope for our future! We're pretty much set on this path because, as you say, it's very very clear that our one-size-fits-all education system simply does not work for many children and our autistic daughter was literally traumatised for many years by being forced to go to school. People who tell you that school is everything, school is the only way, force them to attend by whatever means necessary... they simply don't know what the hell they are talking about. And staying on roll, going through the EHCP process, etc - it's all still about getting them back to school. Inclusion. Even when it's making them ill. Even EOTAS packages, which are basically tuition-only in our area and as rare as hens' teeth anyway, still have the ultimate aim of reintegration into the school environment. The only way for our children to heal and eventually get an education that really works for them is to opt out completely.

We are being assessed for a potential EHCP at the moment, have our Ed Psych appointment in the next couple of weeks. But we already know what the outcome will be i.e. elective home education. There's just no school or even one to one out-of-school tuition system that she can engage with right now.

So many of our children, particularly the autistic and academically-able ones, are being let down by our education system. There should be a better alternative. And there are so many ways to improve schools and genuinely make them more inclusive but there's no appetite for change. People seem to think that taking away the uncomfortable 'smart' school uniforms, the obsession with rules and regulations that don't even make sense half of the time, the system of academic competition and pressure, the rewards and punishments, would just lead to chaos. Fundamentally we don't trust children and schools always assume the worst and insist on having complete control of their kids and using fear to do that. It's so damaging, for ALL kids. We need to do better.

But the only thing I have control over right now is what we do for our DD, and I can't ask her to keep sacrificing her mental health and wellbeing any longer.

JustKeepBuilding · 19/02/2023 12:24

And staying on roll, going through the EHCP process, etc - it's all still about getting them back to school.

It doesn’t have to be, at all.

Even EOTAS packages, which are basically tuition-only in our area and as rare as hens' teeth anyway, still have the ultimate aim of reintegration into the school environment.

Again, no it doesn’t. EOTAS absolutely doesn’t have to be aimed at reintegration.

Regardless of what LA you are in it can be far more than tuition. You might have to appeal for it, but it is more than possible. I know this because I have helped many parents across the country IRL and on MN secure good EOTAS packages. My own DS1 also has an excellent EOTAS package, he will never return to a school as no school can meet his needs.

Therapies, mentors, exercise/sports clubs, cooking/music/drama/art lessons, care farms, APs. Equipment, resources, subscriptions/memberships. A budget for trips out/accessing the community. Professional time… I could go on, the possibilities are endless.

…one to one out-of-school tuition system that she can engage with right now.

EOTAS doesn’t have to involve any tuition.

Chipchop80 · 07/03/2023 07:30

I’m adding myself here. My 17 year old daughter is wonderful. Currently she hates sixth form and her mental health is not the best, she has a bit of a loser boyfriend who I like but I think has stunted her. I worry for her happiness and lack of friendships, I worry she’s missing out on experiences though I’m not really sure what other teens do. I also worry I’m projecting what I think she should be doing, though it’s much different these days than my day in terms of socialising. It’s caused me awful anxiety because I just want to know she’s safe, it seems to have triggered the paranoia I had during post natal depression.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 07/03/2023 10:06

Hi chipchop. I just checked the thread again as we’ve been having a tough few days, and saw your post.

I know what you mean about your own anxiety/past mental health experience being triggered or brought up again. I wonder if seeing our DDs grow up reminds us of our own past more than with a DS, or I think that’s what it’s like for me.

I remember being in a bit of a limbo at 17 too, though no social media in those days. You’re kind of grown up and ready to fly the nest but also not quite and it’s scary. You can have an “adult” relationship but you have so little experience and make mistakes (well we all can to be fair).

Have you tried any counselling or support for yourself?

OP posts:
louise5754 · 07/03/2023 10:57

Hi op. My dd is 13 in august. I just can't handle it. I have anxiety and autism and everyone says it's my fault as I'm not strict enough. I do understand but it's all so overwhelming.

WhippetyStourie · 07/03/2023 11:19

I need this thread tonight. I'm sorry but I haven't had time to read all the previous posts but I will do.

My eldest DD is 15 and I have no idea where she is tonight (not in UK) it's already late and she was dropped off in the city at lunchtime and just hasn't bothered to come home.

We have had an awful almost 6 moths (although she has had lots of MH issues prior) but she ran away from home in Oct of last year and we didn't get her back under our roof until January. In the meantime she was sleeping rough and got into drugs which had never been an issue before. She has been clean for 4 weeks but after disappearing again tonight I'm sure that's the end of that.

She has BPD, suspected ADHD, depression, all sorts of issues but it is this total lack of care for the worry she puts us through that just brings me to my knees.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 07/03/2023 12:11

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time too Whippety and louise. I'm emotionally drained today and have to work, so just offering a big mutual hug and hand squeeze for us all. ((((us))))

OP posts:
WhippetyStourie · 07/03/2023 20:57

It's morning now and she didn't come home at all. No contact. The weather was horrendous and she has likely been sleeping in a doorway when she has a safe and loving home to come to. We have a social worker coming to see her today and she won't even be here. I have been awake for half the night, vomiting with the anxiety caused.she doesn't care about us at all. It is so hard loving someone who thinks so little of you.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 08/03/2023 11:15

So sorry whippety, that must be horrendous for you. Flowers Really hope you hear from her soon.

OP posts:
Howdya · 08/03/2023 11:26

Any news @WhippetyStourie ?

Abra1t · 08/03/2023 15:44

We have a social worker coming to see her today and she won't even be here.
Might that bring you more support for her as it will show just how bad things are? I hope she shows up soon, it must be desperate for you.

Shitsandwiches · 08/03/2023 22:10

Can I join you all? I'm just reading through the thread with relief that it's not just me. I empathise with everyone here Flowers. I have a 14yo DD, it's just me, her and her older sister who is 17. No problems with the older DD thankfully, but my younger one has never enjoyed school, always been highly emotional and anxious, has experienced her fair share of trauma (we had a hard time with their father and have been no contact with him for the last 4 years).

Over the last couple of years she has become increasingly verbally abusive, unreasonable, unhelpful, she neither trusts nor likes anyone it seems, once she kicks off she can't come back down again, she is dysregulated and has to have the last word, slamming doors (we live in a top floor flat and I worry about the neighbours downstairs - I've told her so many times to stop doing that...) she is a prolific school refuser, has never really enjoyed school since primary, but after lockdown that was it, she topped 55% attendance last year, and we are currently at 60%. I self referred to social services and have an Early Help SW who has been suggesting all these great sounding things for her, Art therapy, mentoring etc, but DD refuses to engage in anything. The school have tried to set her up with CBT but nope not interested. She doesn't like the family liaison officer. School mornings are HELL. I can't remember the last time she woke up in a good mood. I have ranged from talking and appealing to her, goal setting and consequences, to threats and shouting when I'm trying to get out the door to work and realise she's not going to go to school. Or I get called by the school that she hasn't shown up when I thought she was going. I shudder when I see the school are calling me.

She's been moved down to the bottom sets (Progress 8) because obviously she's behind everyone where she was previously. This has exacerbated an already awful situation, she feels humiliated, that there's no point going to school because she's not learning anything. She's a bright kid, writes really well, used to love reading, curious about things and used to always be telling me science facts and that's all stopped now. She does love horse riding, I take her every week but I didn't last week because the verbal abuse in the car afterwards was just appalling due to the slightest thing not going her way. I've just been so worried that she is permanently damaged and is going to be a horrible adult and we will not have a relationship. Nor will she have one with her sister. They are close but older DD really struggles with her as well and they can have terrible fights.

I'm going into school on Monday morning to meet her HOY and the family liaison officer. HOY said DD was welcome to come to, but she won't. It's because I've asked for advice on home/online schooling her. I really don't want to, I can't really afford it, she wouldn't join any home ed groups, she will just be further isolated, I can't begin to imagine the likely screaming matches we'd end up in....daily. I wish I could just pack her off to boarding school and not allow her home at weekends as I wouldn't be able to get her back on the Monday! Anyway, HOY was great and said he wanted to make sure we had exhausted all other options before consider a drastic move like that.

Shitsandwiches · 08/03/2023 22:14

Gosh I'm so sorry for what you're going through Whippety x

JustKeepBuilding · 08/03/2023 22:21

@Shitsandwiches Is the LA providing alternative education? You don’t need to afford home education/online education, it can be funded by the LA. You should also apply for an EHCNA.

If DD likes horse riding have you considered equine therapy?

It is far more likely to be can’t engage rather than won’t and DD needs support to engage and the provision amending.

Shitsandwiches · 08/03/2023 22:27

Yes thanks @JustKeepBuilding I think that's I'm going to be talking about on Monday with HOY, that they have to provide an alternative education and give me some ideas/support etc. I will look at EHCNA.

I just heard about equine therapy so I'm going to look at that for her and I think you're totally right actually, that it's she can't engage not won't - thanks for the reframe!

I'm just drained and living on eggshells, not looking forward to coming home after work....I feel like I'm back in my marriage!

JustKeepBuilding · 08/03/2023 22:32

@Shitsandwiches The duty to provide alternate education lies with the LA, not the school. It should have begun once it became clear DD would miss 15 days. The days didn’t need to have already been missed or consecutive. Email the Director of Children’s Services informing them of the situation and requesting provision. If you are ignored or the provision isn’t forthcoming email again reminding them of their duty under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and threatening judicial review. If that fails contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

When speaking to professionals try to use can’t and correct others using won’t as some will jump on it as a reason to discharge saying it’s a choice. When it isn’t really.

Shitsandwiches · 08/03/2023 22:42

ok brilliant, thanks @JustKeepBuilding I've just had a look at SOSSEN, I hadn't heard of them. Will also email the LA. I feel like we've just been totally under the radar which in one way has meant I've had no legal threats or anything like that, the school have probably left her alone because they know her past, but it really can't continue. I can't cope with it and we need support. I did try to get her an anxiety diagnosis with the GP, but DD wouldn't cooperate and the GP was out of touch. Told me to enlist the support of family ........my family are non-existent.
Anyway, thanks again.

JustKeepBuilding · 08/03/2023 22:45

@Shitsandwiches SOSSEN have lots of helpful information on their website and an advice line too. IPSEA is another very good resource with another advice line.

Have you had a carer’s assessment? And apply for DLA if you haven’t already - use the Cerebra guide to complete the form.

WhippetyStourie · 08/03/2023 22:48

DD messaged her dad in the morning- said she stayed at a friend's and was drunk. She came home at 5pm- had spent the day at a homeless support place in the city that she likes to hang out at. She was very clearly drug affected but continued to deny it. Ranted for hours about her 'abusive' childhood, our toxic parenting, how we caused her BPD and drug addiction and that she just wants to go back to living on the street. I finally persuaded her to take a Valium and 2 paracetamol and she went to bed.
The social worker is coming today but she told me on the phone that since DD has a safe home and such supportive parents that they will be closing her case and withdrawing their support of us. It took us months of her being on the streets and some very drastic action (on paper we abandoned her when she been admitted to hospital and the hospital were forced to call in the department) just to get them involved and now they are leaving us to it.

I can only see one outcome for her and can't think of any way to stop it.

Shitsandwiches · 08/03/2023 22:50

No I haven't had a carers assessment. I'm currently working full-time and a single parent so I wouldn't have thought I would be entitled to DLA. If she ends up online schooling, I will need to speak to my employer (NHS, so they are quite flexible) about condensing my days, WFH but would have to go in to the office 1 day a week. I can't see a way round that really.

Shitsandwiches · 08/03/2023 22:56

@WhippetyStourie I can't believe the SW has 'stepped you down', you are a family in crisis - what criteria could you not be meeting? You really need support. I don't really know what I'm talking about, but I'm assuming you've exhausted a lot of other avenues like police support? Or national charities?

JustKeepBuilding · 08/03/2023 23:03

DLA isn’t means tested. You should apply.

You can request a carer’s assessment. On their website Contact have a model letter you can use.

Unless you are EHE (which you really shouldn’t do as it relieves the LA of their duty to provide education) the LA will be the one responsible for delivering provision, you can’t be forced to alter your work. Although the LA may try to get you to don’t feel you have no option.

Swipe left for the next trending thread