Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

The police have given us nothing. I actually blame them for a lot of what happened as the night she first ran away she was in a mental health crisis. We called the police straight away. She was finally located a day later - online by friends and picked up and taken to police station by friend's mum. Police then told us not to come and get her as she didn't want to see us. She then spent a few days moving between friends and family before deciding to live rough. At this time she wasn't involved in drugs at all, that started once on the street and escalated very quickly into addiction. We call police every time we can't locate her and as long as they get eyes on her they leave her to it. It was only social work involvement that made her live at home as she didn't want to go into the care system ( they will never take her anyway, they made that clear but she still thinks it's a possibility).

💐

Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing ok.

I've been doing a sort of novice reverse psychology approach with DD now - unwittingly really, but it's just how I feel. Having literally exhausted all the appealing, talking to, understanding, shouting, consequences, being drawn into circular arguments that get us nowhere etc etc (which has been going on for 2 years now really), I'm now responding to her disengagement with similar. I haven't gone in to try and wake her up at all this week, Me and DD1 have just gone to work and college as normal, I haven't taken her horse riding this weekend, told her I'm not doing her washing anymore, she's nearly 15 and can do it herself. I've basically gone on strike. She refuses to eat what I make, so I'm not plating her up a dinner anymore. I've been doing this for a week and last night it became clear it's starting to bothering her a little bit. She ventured out of her room last night and acknowledged we're not talking at the moment. I said if she doesn't want to engage with any of the support I'm trying to get for her, won't speak to anyone, kick off at me constantly, throws horseriding in my face every time I take her with her appalling verbal abuse and constant blame, then that's fine with me, it's her life and she can do what she wants, but I don't need to get involved and put myself in the firing line anymore.

She said she was going to report me for neglect to the SW. Tell the SW that I don't feed her etc. But I've already told the SW that she won't eat anything I make. Typical example, I made a roast last week, and I did mash instead of roast pots, she hit the roof, had a tantrum and got into bed refusing to eat it. Strangely for me, this mash actually turned out really nice!! DD1 loved it, DD1 took DD2's plate in to her room for her, she ate the whole thing begrudgingly. I just ignored her behaviour😀

Anyway - I'm in school in the morning to meet her HOY. He said DD2 can come if she wants, but doesn't matter if she won't. Kind of dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.

Good luck at the school meeting. Do you think your new approach is working?

My daughter is 17 now and most of the very hard work is over, her mood has stabilised, she communicates again, there are even smiles and laughs again which is wonderful, and we can even resolve mild conflicts fairly reasonably. That's the good news.

However I am totally exhausted by the effort of getting her to this place. She had to leave school as the overwhelm was affecting her mental health and is nearly always at home, with some external support of about 7 hours a week.

As a single Mum every need was met by me, every battle was on me, every intervention was managed by me. I want to just give up now and say right, the worst is over, she's ok. Can I please have space to focus on me now. I love her but I'm so tired of parenting.

Ps Other good news is that her relationship with her older sister is 100% better since D1 went to college and they got space from one another. It was painful to see the bitter hatred and pain there. Now when they meet they are chatting and laughing and play online games together etc. So thats brilliant too.

My 13 year old DD has just moved school and the change in her is so much better. Alot positive at home now. Still has the odd outburst and issues but nothing like it was before. She has a support worker now who helps her alot. Still a long process. Autism assessment is another 9 months waiting.

If it makes anyone feel better, my father raised 7 girls alone and I have no idea how!! Bet he's sick of my calls for advice haha

We’re having a bad week. They made DD sit in a catch up meeting last week and it always makes her worse.
she goes into school for 1.5-3 hours working with a 1:1 and they are desperate for her to go to a few lessons. She just won’t though.I don’t know where to go from here.
Her relationship with her friends is taking a tumble because they don’t see her. She can’t see the connection though.
I am meant to be having a meeting about her EHCP this week, have to push for it again.

Just to say - “shitsandwiches” - I like your approach. I think we all reach the end of our tethers.

@SockGoddess we had a few good weeks and I thought we were getting somewhere, even started to make some plans for myself with my free time.
As usual we have had a set back and I am back to being trapped at home, or acting as school taxi.
I think if I knew it would improve it would help.

Exactly the same here, Sock.
I felt really good after my meeting with the school. HOY lovely, Family liaison mum of 3 boys, 2 with SEN - totally on our side, offered to move DD into new classes because she's not happy in there, there's a particularly dominant, disruptive girl in there and DD struggles with that.
Said if she comes in for exam week, she can just come in, do her exam in the quiet room, not the main hall, and can go home afterwards like gcses.
Said she's never to worry if she's late, they don't care, she won't be in trouble, they just want to see her in.
Said this week is a great week to start again because only 2 more days of school due to the teacher strikes.
Didn't recommend Home Ed at all - apparently ofsted need to visit you at home, it's very full on - they've had HE kids come and resit past years, kids who have been moved from other schools to them where HE failed - it can work but it is hard and I would need to be here most of the time. I really don't want to HE, I'm not a teacher and I think we would kill each other.
Told me to push GP for camhs and that I should apply for an EHCP. It would support the child up to the age of 25 apparently, through college and Uni if they go.
I'm speaking to the GP tomorrow.
I updated the SW. SW asked could she come and see DD on Thurs at home. I said yes sure, I will have to be in work though so won't be here.

....DD communicating, by text - I told her I wanted her to be open minded and consider their suggestions calmly instead of kicking off in defence. She agreed to.

So I was feeling good on my way home. Get home. DD as usual in bed on phone airpods in. Initially open to talking but then straightaway - no I can't go back, I can't move into that other group, there are a bunch of gossipy bitches in there who will all be talking about me.
I said it's fine, the move isn't set in stone, they just won't move you and you can stay where you. No don't want to do that either because of the disruptive girl. I'm not going back, I can't go in there anymore, you don't know how much I hate it, I can't speak to the SW because you've told her I'm verbally abusive.

DD1 said when she got home from college, the front door was double locked so she couldn't get in with her key. Was ringing the bell, phoning DD2. Eventually she let her in, clearly just woken up, dog not walked or fed.

It's a mess.
'

Thanks @BeethovenNinth it got us communicating normally for a little bit, but it's descended again tonight. I'm just leaving her alone tonight. Think I'll try with her in the morning but I am not anticipating it will go well at all! And then I'll have to go back to disengaging again I think.

Totally empathise, heart. It's good that you are at least communicating, but the cost of all these painful years will mount up. I'm worried that we're not going to have a relationship at all by the end of this.

EHCPs don’t cover university. Although they can continue until 25, or 26 in some circumstances, they would cease if they went to university.

I don’t think you should EHE because parents often find it easier to get support when their DC remain on the school roll even if they can’t attend and by EHE you relieve the LA of their duty to provide education. However, OFSTED do not visit those EHEing at home.

I just kept reassuring her that I knew it was horrendously hard for her, that I was doing my best to help and that I was sorry if I let my frustration appear as angry sometimes. I kept saying we'd find a way through, that 13-16 were hellish years and there was light at the end of the tunnel.
Giving up on the battles to get her to school and accepting it was doing more harm than good was a key turning point. Well she was nearly psychotic one morning with trying to force herself to go in, so that decision was the right one.
Finding a pathway for her outside the school system is very hard but at least she is not a suffering human any more.

Well I just got screamed at that I'm the only person making her unhappy with my constant obsession with her apparently.

So fed up

Oh I am in tears reading these posts - this is my life!

DD is 15 and has a diagnosis of autism (which she doesn't accept is true) and we had a long period of school refusal and not eating at the end of primary. Spent our savings on help to get her eating again and she also returned to school.

Life went on and she was fine at school but awful at home, lockdown was a nightmare as she totally disengaged.

After the February half term she just didn't go back to school. They are trying to come up with solutions to get her through her exams and have said not to worry about coming in just now - to just start exam leave early. But she just won't engage.

Every night I'm up sitting in her room because she can't go to sleep on her own. Every morning DH is dealing with her - she insists on getting ready for school and puts us through no end of anxiety but then at the last minute days she can't go. She won't agree to not try so every morning is hideous.

I'm trying to do my full time job as well, DH has just started a new job. I'm so tired (and menopausal) so can hardly think

Sorry for rambling but reading this thread makes me feel less alone

Hey everyone

@heartlikepaper your words really got me thinking last night
I went in to DD2 this morning to see if she might want to try school. She just looked so depressed and broken, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders that I just thought, that's it - we can't do this anymore. She can't cope.

I emailed the school and SW and told them that she has said she can't face it anymore and wants to be online schooled. The SW texted me later and said 'That's a shame DD2 has given up on school' - and I said - yes, it is, for all of us and I'm really not happy that we should have been offered alternative provisions by now, instead I've been left floundering and struggling with all of this.

No response. I was really stressed at work anyway. I don't care if she thought I was short.

I spoke to the GP who said she will do a cahms referral but it may be declined because DD2 isn't a risk to us or herself and doesn't self harm, and only a cahms or private psych can prescribe antidepressents (I'm not pushing for AntiD's by the way, just another enquiry).

I just think getting camhs support, getting an ECHP, appealing for LA funding for online schooling seems insurmountable, and so stressful with obstacles at every turn, and I really don't want to be regulated by ofsted if she's still enrolled at her school - jesus! I'm like you @SockGoddess, she'd be better educating herself on snapchat than me trying to teach her 9 GCSEs so tonight I'm thinking I'm probably just going to have to bite the bullet and pay for online school where it's timetabled and done for you - to get her through the rest of Y10 and Y11. And then hopefully she'll be that bit older and less traumatised from school when it comes to considering going to college.

Flowers and hugs for everyone x

It is desperately hard when it feels like it's all on you and support is so hard to get. I feel for the children and parents struggling like this.

I'm in Ireland so services are different, D did get into CAMHS which provided some therapy and family support to help with the anxiety and depression.
I was able to get some funded home tuition from the dept of education as well - not easy to get, but it's something.
We pay for singing classes and there are some free courses like driver theory that she is doing now as well.
It took about 4 months recovery before she was able for any of that and it's built up slowly.
I work part-time to facilitate it all.
I did find it helpful that people reassured us that she would find her own way, and not blaming or belittling her. Her confidence was very low for feeling she had 'failed' at school, despite being very smart.

When you can, focus on reinforcing the good stuff and exploring things they might like to do.
See the little wins when they are there, in yourself and in your kids👍
Hope this helps.