Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Oh the joys of anxiety ridden Sunday nights and 11pm messages telling me she can't sleep, feels really unwell etc etc etc. I'm dreading the morning already, I just want the term to be over!

I have no strength left for this.

We've limped through mocks, work experience and now it's back to trying to get to school.

She manages about 1/3 of everything she's supposed to do but even achieving 1/3 is an epic struggle to persuade her to have a go. It's draining everything from me.

She'd be happy to just stay in her room all the time.

Life shouldn't be like this at 15 years old. 😪

Oh the joys of anxiety ridden Sunday nights and 11pm messages telling me she can't sleep, feels really unwell etc etc etc. I'm dreading the morning already, I just want the term to be over!

I hear you, can’t come soon enough.

I actually think her school is trying to break her. I’ve let her have today off after a hideous day yesterday. I’ve not been on the thread for a while as I thought we had turned a bit of a corner, but no. One shitty awful day at school and she’s back to being a shell of herself.

sending hand holds and strength to all.

We’ve been doing fairly well lately. She goes into school 15 hours a week and has generally been okay.
now the end of term is looming she’s falling apart again. She hates the holidays. She’s complaining that there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. She wants to see her friends but everywhere is rubbish and no good or boring. The only thing she wants to do is go to London aquarium (we are nowhere near London).
I can see now she is going to spend weeks and weeks shut in her room. She won’t go shopping, she stopped going to the cinema as it was too loud. She won’t go to friends houses and doesn’t want them to come here.
When I was 14 I did anything just to be with friends wandering about. I don’t know how to entertain her. Pre covid we were out most days in the holidays doing something. I’m lost in how to engage her in some activity

We've just moved house and she leaves primary next week, emotions ramped to the absolute max here ! Can't wait for the holidays to start.

How is everyone doing ? I'm feeling at end of my tether at my dd and her volatile, aggressive behaviour. The slightest thing goes wrong and she explodes with anger. It's only day one of the holidays !! Argh

@lollipoprainbow
Similar here lollipop. Anger, aggression, hostility. Just had 3 nights away and so very glad we haven’t booked anything else in terms of holidays. It’s felt like having to share a jam jar with a very angry wasp.

Feel mortified, ashamed, sad you name it. Our new neighbours of two weeks have complained about the noise dd was making last night during a meltdown. We have only been there two weeks and they are so friendly. The lady knocked and complained and then swore at me. How can I ever face her again. My dd now says she doesn't want to live her anymore and she was so happy. Argh !!

I am sorry they complained. Some people are so inconsiderate.

They've reported me to the letting agent im devastated and scared we'll be evicted.

A lot of what has been said in here resonates.
dd17 has ocd tendencies and intrusive thoughts but seems so exhausted and stressed most of the time if things aren’t the way she wants. But she never knows what she wants. It’s a family joke that we decided what takeaway to get or what game to play based on what she wants, but she doesn’t know what it is, but will veto everything we suggest and get cross when we ask her to decide or say it has to be her decision.
the Sunday night / homework strops, tears, inertia. Completely different mood with friends. Is sleeping a lot a symptom? Like during the day? I find myself second guessing anything I try and book in case she doesn’t like it and feel such relief when she says she does like something I’ve arranged.

I’m a bit of a loss. DD had her first assessment for neuro pathways and they have come back to say they don’t think she has ASD/ADHD. To look at therapy for anxiety again.
I didn’t think she had autism but once everyone kept saying it, it made sense. School think she is, the therapist did, the 2 educational therapists thought she needing assessing for it.
She doesn’t just have anxiety though. She has issues with smells, noise, crowds, difficult subjects, textures, foods. She is completely routine obsessed. She can’t cope with any change at all. I’m just confused as I thought this was the path we are on and now we have to start again.

@SockGoddess There is a post in teenagers called I hate my 18 year old teenage son. I have posted on there a few times and it might be helpful.

Having survived (and I mean survived) a similar relationship with one of my DC I would suggest you read up on Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. This was a lightbulb moment for me.

Look into ADHD, privately if necessary it’s now covered by some BUPA and AXA insurance policies, particularly if she is generally lovely everywhere but at home and no one else really understands what the problem is.

in the meantime parent her as though she is ND. Do your homework, change your expectations and understand that whilst you are hating her behaviour she is not doing it because it makes her happy, she’s clearly not. Don’t underestimate the self hate she may well be feeling and what it is doing to her sense of self worth.

if she is ND you are her safe space and she can behave like this because she knows you will love her no matter what.

a formal diagnosis is not a label to hinder it’s a means to understanding and learning how to go forward. There is no cure but maturity will help and ND usually means that your DC is up to 3 years ‘younger’ emotionally that their peers.

Its a long winding path but if you can work with it there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Just checking in - have 15yo DD. In the last months of year 10 we had vaping, detentions and then I think she stole £5 from me.

things have been better in the summer holidays but urgh!

I have found my people! Really struggling with 12year old DD. ASD, epilepsy and mild CP from a brain injury which happened due to emergency surgery I had when pregnant. She’s been having suicidal thoughts and high anxiety on and off for years by really ramped up in the last month. She barely leaves the house, not seeing friends, explosively angry, won’t be left at nighttime as so anxious. DH and I exhausted. CAMHS waiting list 12 months, even for a child wanting to die. The system is so, so broken. Totally at the end of my tether. So nice to find people in a similar situation - as much as I wouldn’t wish this worry on anyone!

Ah @MamaShelter I could have written your post how are things now? My DD is 15 (16 in October) and it took us over two years to get a CAMHS diagnosis of ASD. We spent most of our savings on private help because she wasn't eating. When we got the diagnosis she wouldn't accept it and CAMHA told me that they have never had someone not accept their diagnosis so they couldn't help us.

Clearly that's a load of rubbish but they just refuse to even discuss it. So she's not been in school since February, barely leaves the house, has become nocturnal. I managed to get a meeting with an educational psychologist who gave us some advice that didn't work. Not sure when/if DD will go back to school. DH wants us to accept school isnt for her right now and take her out for a year.

Sorry for the moan it just helps to not be alone. Sometimes we feel like the worst parents ever. And friends and colleagues telling me they couldn't cope just drives me mad - I didn't choose this, and I'd rather not have to cope but there's no other option!

How are you all doing?

Update. My teen has greatly improved. Like, majorly. There was a complete rejection of the anti-depressants and that was revelatory. And the therapy is really paying dividends.

They're almost 16 now. Still haven't been to school but is applying to the local FE college and looking forward to it.

I think our child is on their way back. I hope yours are too.

Thank you all for your support and kindness at a very difficult time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but not being alone was a great confirm.

Comfort

That's lovely to hear. Thank you for posting.

Still struggling with mine unfortunately but glad there is hope.

@StopfordWife so lovely to hear about your positive progress! Long may that continue and I really hope the FE placement is successful.

We aren’t much further forward but I am trying to be hopeful. Keep us updated!

Unfortunately there is no progress here, if anything we've gone backwards again. Back to refusing school, saying she doesn't want to be alive, won't engage with any kind of help that's been offered. We even had a visit from the police on Saturday after she tried to bolt from the house following a meltdown (her boyfriend broke up with her again) and her step dad had to physically catch up to her and try and carry her back to the house to ensure her safety. She was screaming and shouting bloody murder and a neighbour down the street (understandably) called the police.
I genuinely do not know where to go from here. She isn't sleeping pretty much at all at night. Has already told me there is absolutely no way she can or will be going to school tomorrow. I'm at such a loss right now, made even worse by the fact I am due to give birth any day now. Which I am sure is a big part of the issue that she just doesn't know where she will fit in, but once they are here I am hoping she realises she won't be forgotten, or dismissed or anything else.
But it does feel like this is just the next thing in line of a whole host of well when this happens things will improve... and none of it seems to be helping at all. I feel like the absolute worst parent ever and just wish I knew what or how to help her, I feel so useless.