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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

563 replies

SockGoddess · 13/02/2023 12:07

Following on from MsAnnThropic's thread about struggling with a 13.5yo daughter, we found there were several of us in the same boat with unhappy, angry, difficult and/or themselves struggling teen DDs, and agreed to start a thread where we can discuss, vent and handhold.

Mine is actually only just about to turn 13 but I feel like I'm on edge all the time because of the nastiness and explosive rages, my work is suffering as she often misses school too (i WFH thankfully), and she refuses to accept any counselling or other support even though we have worked so hard to have them available. I'm so worried about her as I think it arises out of her deep anxiety, hormone storms and all the stress of puberty, the usual young teen friendship issues and changing schools. Anyone would be in a state and I want to help. But at the same time I'm often reduced to a weepy wreck and sometimes it feels like it will never end - though intellectually I do have hope she'll find a way to come though it.

Dear struggling mums of teen DDs one and all come for a chat, Brew, handholds and hugs.

We would also love to hear reassurance from those whose DDs have been like this and come out the other side, and what if anything helped.

I may not be able to post much for a bit as having a relative to stay soon, but will check back in asap.

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 14/02/2023 14:48

@SockGoddess thanks for the reply. I wish my mum had some support through it because maybe things would have turned out differently if she had. Good luck with your daughter and your future relationship with her.

Mykittensmittens · 14/02/2023 14:52

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I genuinely think it was. I put the book back where I found it, not many hours later she realised it wasn't in her bag (a backpack, which she hangs off one shoulder permanently unzipped and permanently losing/dropping stuff). She went into panic mode looking for it and hunted all over before I suggested checking the car - she was red as beetroot and sweating. Then shut herself in the room after. I asked what the upset was about - NOTHING - and she didn't want people reading her stories before they were finished.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 14/02/2023 14:53

Quite. It's not at all normal for teen girls to be like this. I hope you find something that helps both of you soon.

It's maybe not normal, but it does seem quite common for teenage girls to have serious angst, sometimes verging into MH problems, self harm, eating disorders, anxiety and so on. Of course it would be better for the stress of puberty to be manageable and for them to basically be able to cope. But many do struggle at least for some part of it. This isn't even new, I had severe anxiety and phobias myself, I had peers who had anorexia, suicide attempts, pregnancies, getting dangerously drunk, and running away at 12/13. But I think there are new factors that are making it even worse, especially social media and increased misogyny.

OP posts:
Mykittensmittens · 14/02/2023 14:55

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so you would think it's peer 'contagion' then?

I worry if we do that, if she really does have fragile MH, will that send her over the edge?

When she started with anxiety at school and we went in to speak to the counsellor, we did broach this subject and she absolutely panicked and made us promise we wouldn't. I refuse to promise, but said things need to change. So now she doesn't talk to me at all.

Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 14:55

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IDontWantToBeAPie · 14/02/2023 14:55

I was an enraged, furious, desperately sad teen.

It all came from not feeling listened to or cared about. Like I was playing a part.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 14/02/2023 14:56

And yes your issues if you have them likely play a major part.

Howdya · 14/02/2023 15:31

It's maybe not normal, but it does seem quite common for teenage girls to have serious angst, sometimes verging into MH problems, self harm, eating disorders, anxiety and so on

It is absolutely not common. Angst, yes. MH issues and self harm and eating problems, no. I have four teen and young adult dds all of whom went to girls schools and self harm and eating disorders were rare among their peers.

Howdya · 14/02/2023 15:33

I promise I am not minimising your experience but please do not think this is the norm.

I actually find this concept quite misogynistic. It is possible for teen girls to be happy and healthy.

Shekissedagirlandshelikedit · 14/02/2023 15:43

It might seem selfish or even completely unachievable to want to have some fun when going through awful teen issues, but I have to find pockets of happiness where I can or I'll sink.

We've been through hell. I won't go into it too much but Dd has been hospitalised at times and a chronic school refuser. We've been with camhs for many years. Her behaviour has left me utterly broken and questioning everything I've ever said and done trying to find where it all went wrong. I've been to dark and scary places and I never want to go back.

So I do yoga, go to gigs with older dd where I'm the eldest person there, drink wine with a friend who is also having difficult times, have the odd theatre night away with dh and this weekend I'm going to a sound bath for the first time which I'm really looking forward to.

The guilt and hurt of having a teen with issues never fully goes away, but I feel better equipped to cope when I have things to look forward to. It's vital IMO and I'd urge anyone going through it to make sure they make some time for themselves. It's also saving my marriage.

Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 15:57

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Shekissedagirlandshelikedit · 14/02/2023 15:58

ItsCalledAConversation · 14/02/2023 12:39

I was the teen daughter you’re all describing and have lived with a lifetime of my family deciding I was “deeply unpleasant” around age 13-14 and treating me as such for the rest of my life. Don’t do it to your daughters, you will never get them back. I’m sorry you’re finding it hard to support them and I’m sure it’s difficult but surely you don’t want them to go through a lifetime of this hatred from their own mothers. It’s so incredibly damaging to feel that your mother doesn’t love you. Or to be judged that teen hormones are somehow your personality now. I’m still in therapy for it at 40. Just don’t do it to them!

Totally agree with this. We're going through hard times but acknowledge its due to the process of separation that ALL teens go through in varying ways. It's also common in the animal world, although animal mothers font take any shit and literally kick them out to survive on their own 😆

Despite her behaviour we tell dd every day that we love her and we understand what she's going through and aways are there for her. She ignores us but I'm sure it's going in. I can't imagine ever referring to these times when she's through the worst, unless she brings it up first. We'll be healing and getting on with life and will leave difficult times in the past.

Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 15:58

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Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 16:01

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Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 16:02

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JustKeepBuilding · 14/02/2023 16:28

EBSA is more common than you think, especially since the pandemic.

Same for anxiety, self harm and eating disorders.

For example, the state of the nation 2022: children’s and young people’s wellbeing report showed “76% of 7-16-year-olds were reported in 2022 as having sought help or advice for a mental health concern in the previous year”.

Original poster
SockGoddess · 14/02/2023 16:34

Ursula as I've said we have been seeking out every possible kind of support we can, we are getting CAMHS appointments, school are on board, various kinds of family and MH support, I've spoken to social work, community MH support worker who is fantastic, and others. I'm not under the impression she's having a "normal" period of teen angst, I understand it's serious and I'm very worried, and just wish I could get her to accept help and support (other than just from me).

What I'm saying is that having these kinds of serious issues as a teen is not vanishingly rare. It happens, it happens quite a lot and it's known to be on the rise. It's been described as an epidemic of MH problems among teens, especially girls - and I don't thinks that's misogynistic as a PP said, I think it's more because of the pressures on girls about their bodies, harassment, porn, etc - it's because of misogyny. On top of all the general stress of puberty, school change and so on, and added impact of social media. The trans identification epidemic is another aspect of it that is clearly affected by social contagion and unfortunately currently being encouraged by schools, though there's hope that may eventually turn around. But in the past, anorexia has been a well-known social contagion and common in some schools.

OP posts:
JustKeepBuilding · 14/02/2023 16:38

It’s more likely can’t engage rather than won’t. And with the right approach would be able to engage with support, it’s ‘just’ finding what the right support is.

I know you probably know it is can’t rather than won’t/refusing but I thought I would post as some professionals latch on to the language used and will discharge saying DC won’t engage/are refusing to engage. When in reality it is the professional that needs to adjust their approach/refer onwards as it is is can’t engage.

Have you applied for an EHCNA?

Napmum · 14/02/2023 17:31

Just wanted to say. My sister was like this when she went through puberty. It seemed to be related to her having anxiety. She was worse to my Mum than anyone else but it was hard for all of us. My Mum once said that she had read boys challenge their father's more but girls, it is their mother's and the theory is it is related to hormones and animal instincts I.e. challenging the alpha of rhe same gender.

Anyway, she's mid-30s now and has been a loving normal human being for most of her adult life. We get on really well now. Just wanted to give you parents hope.

BeeBB · 14/02/2023 17:39

@Napmum that is good to know, would fit and is very reassuring fingers crossed. My SIL also had quite. a rocky patchy from puberty onwards with MIL and got mixed up with a ‘wrong un’ even though she did extremely well in her Career. She finally saw the light got rid of the boyfriend and gradually became much happier and more of a normal rounded person (she is lovely now). Has a decent partner and has a really close relationship with my now very elderly MIL.

Howdya · 14/02/2023 21:05

It's been described as an epidemic of MH problems among teens, especially girls - and I don't thinks that's misogynistic as a PP said, I think it's more because of the pressures on girls about their bodies, harassment, porn, etc - it's because of misogyny. On top of all the general stress of puberty, school change and so on, and added impact of social media

So why do plenty of teen girls cope with this without severe MH problems/self harming/EDS etc?

JustKeepBuilding · 14/02/2023 21:15

For similar reasons to why not all adults have mental health difficulties but some do.

Ursulaursula82 · 15/02/2023 07:07

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Howdya · 15/02/2023 08:50

JustKeepBuilding · 14/02/2023 21:15

For similar reasons to why not all adults have mental health difficulties but some do.

Well exactly. This is about teen girls with fairly severe MH difficulties, not teen girls per se.

Howdya · 15/02/2023 08:56

SockGoddess · 14/02/2023 11:40

ursula she loves art and, like a pp’s daughter, dogs. I have looked into therapy related to both but it seems hard to get dog therapy without a diagnosis/referral so far, however I am trying a more informal route of asking friends and neighbours. I looked into art therapy but not had many replies, and those that did reply were extremely woo in a way I know my DD would hate, but I’m researching more when I can.

Can't you just let her paint? Does it have to be therapy? Or get a dog if that's possible but with strict rules ie she helps look after it and is never angry around it?